by Lauren Dane
She shook her head, shoving back her frustration, wanting him to hear her. To understand. “That’s not it and you know it. It may have been at another time. It may have been even a few months ago. I’m willing to make many sacrifices for you. But being reasonable here, let’s lay it out. We can both have dreams in Seattle. Your business has you traveling all around as it is. I did some research on Seattle’s environment for a small business like yours. It’s just as good as Los Angeles considering how international you are anyway. My job is specialized. There aren’t a lot of openings for what I do. Add to it the fact that Washington doesn’t have reciprocity, meaning I’d have to go through the bar prep all over and essentially start from zero in another state without contacts when I have my dream job here. When you weigh that, my staying and you moving makes sense.”
“So now you’re making a spreadsheet about my life? So you can have me in Seattle? Because you think you love me?”
She touched his face. “Don’t. Don’t minimize it. I know I love you. I’ve known for months. But love isn’t everything, Eamon. It’s not enough.” She leaned in and kissed him softly.
“What does that mean?”
“After tomorrow, once we get back home it’s over. This isn’t enough for me. I need more. I deserve a man who’ll choose to be with me.”
“What? This is ridiculous. You say you love me and then you break up with me? All because I won’t give up my life to be with you? You knew from the beginning that I was based in LA.”
“I did.” She slid back down into the bed. “If you think moving to Seattle would be giving up your life I really don’t want to be with you. I’ve felt that way and I never want to be the source of anyone else feeling it. Especially you. We can still be friends. I don’t want to lose that. I can’t imagine you not in my life in some way. But just friends. We’ll have one last, lovely day and then we’ll both move on.”
He got up and began to pace. She desperately wanted to cry but wouldn’t. She didn’t want him to feel guilty nor did she want to feel like her tears would manipulate him.
“How can you just spring this on me now?”
“Spring it on you? Eamon, that’s not fair. I’ve tried to talk to you about this multiple times over the last few months. You said yourself we’d talk here and then you changed the subject over and over. Would you rather I did it on the phone? Via email? At the airport tomorrow? When is the right time to risk yourself and tell someone you love them and want more?”
“You’re giving me an ultimatum. That’s fucked up.”
She nodded. “I am and yes, it’s not fair. I’m sorry. I wish I could keep on this way but I realized as you were inside me just now, when I felt like I’d never been closer to any other person, that I can’t. I want all of you and I had to demand it since you wouldn’t just talk to me. I don’t want a hey let’s get together in two months and have sex for a week sort of relationship. Not with you. I love you. I want to be with you. I’m not trying to be unfair or unreasonable and yet, I can see why you think I am.”
“So you’ll let this go? Let us go on? Because I care about you. Deeply. More than I’ve ever felt for another woman and I don’t want to lose what we have.”
“No. I mean that part.”
He turned, his face plainly wearing the anger and frustration he felt. She knew he loved her, he didn’t need to say it back for her to know. But there had to be more.
She held her hand out. “Come back to bed. We’ll have this last day and when we go home, it’ll be as friends. Always that.”
“This is wrong, Cat.”
She sighed. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I don’t want to hurt you. We did this before and we came out just fine. We can do it again.”
“Five years ago I didn’t feel for you what I do now. You’re part of my life. I don’t want this.” He stalked back to the bed and grabbed her, hauling her against him and inside she broke at the knowledge this would be over in a day. He’d go back to his life, she to hers and there would be nothing else. For a moment, she considered relenting but she had to be strong.
His mouth was on hers, stealing her breath. His hands against her hips, fingers splayed, held her tight to his body as he continued to take from her with sweet, drugging kisses. She drowned in him and didn’t bother to try to save herself. She was already lost.
He kissed down her neck, slowly, his hands sliding over her skin, leaving gooseflesh in their wake. They weren’t just kisses, he was tasting her, committing her to memory. He wanted to burn himself into her skin, into her soul, blurring out any other man who’d follow.
Eamon wasn’t ready to walk away but he couldn’t follow either. All it left him with was a desperate need for her, a need for her to know she was his, even if she was with another man.
No other woman would taste this good. He knew it as he drew the flat of his tongue along the seam between her thigh and her body. No other woman’s gasp and throaty moan would bring him to his knees the way this one did when his mouth found the sweetness of the folds of her pussy. No other woman would give herself to him this way, opening her thighs, her fingers sliding through his hair, holding him to her.
He loved that she took what she wanted. Loved that she wasn’t ashamed with him. He loved that in bed, she was as much a match for him as outside it and he would miss her. God would he miss her. But he didn’t give in to ultimatums and he wasn’t ready for the next step. As angry as he was, he understood her perspective too.
For now, as the bundle of her clit slid beneath his tongue, as her thighs began to tremble and she cried out his name when she came, for now, she was his and there was nothing else.
He rolled her over, drawing his tongue down her spine, kneading her muscles, making her even more boneless before putting a pillow beneath her hips and entering her in one stroke.
The sheen of sweat on her pale skin shimmered in the light coming through the drawn curtains. Her hair covered her face as she arched back to meet his thrusts. Their timing was perfect. They’d been together so many times, the connection between them was so intense and deep that they were simply in synch.
Her inner walls hugged him, not wanting to let go as he pressed deep and pulled nearly all the way out and then pushed back again. So damned beautiful, so sexy and full of life, she was one of a kind.
And she whispered her “I love you” as he came deep within her.
Their last day was bittersweet. She seemed determined to put on a happy face and pretend nothing was wrong but damn it, his life was crashing down around his ears and he didn’t want to pretend.
He sat across from her in one of the resort restaurants and greedily took in the way she held her glass, the way the breeze caught a loose tendril of her hair and dragged it over her face.
“We don’t have to do this. We can put off deciding until after June when you’re graduated and everything.”
“I’m graduated now. I just haven’t walked in the ceremony. Besides, what difference will it make? I’ll just lose my heart in four months instead of tomorrow. The thing is, no matter how much it hurts for me to admit it, you’re not ready or willing to choose me. And that’s, well it is what it is. I’d say I didn’t blame you, but that’s a lie. I want to be enough for you. But I really, really don’t want to rehash this now unless you have something different to say. This is our last dinner together and I don’t want it spoiled by beating this dead horse any more dead.”
If he didn’t know her any better, he’d think she was so remarkably cool and calm, but he saw the faint tremble in her lips as she spoke, the sheen of unspent tears in her eyes and he couldn’t take it.
“Damn it, if it hurts you so much to do this, why are you doing it?” He stood, tossing his napkin aside. “I don’t want to break up. You clearly don’t want to leave me either. Tell me why we’re doing this!”
“Because I can’t go on living half a life. I’ve reached a place where I can live a full life and when I was with you last night I realized how alive I
am when I’m with you and I compared it to how I feel as if I’m living half a life when we’re apart. I just admitted to myself that I can’t go on this way.” She took her glasses off and wiped her eyes. “I’m telling you that I love you enough to let you choose to not be with me. And I respect myself enough to want more than a long-distance relationship with a man who can’t even tell me he loves me out loud when he obviously does.”
“This is bullshit.” He tossed some money down and stalked away from the table. “I’m not playing this game with you!” he called out as he walked away.
She watched his retreating back and finally gave over to the tears she’d only shed in the shower. She put her head down on the table and wept.
And by the time she got back to the room, he’d packed his things and gone.
She read his note, his scrawl familiar and painful to see. He couldn’t stay and face the situation. He didn’t think there was anything left to say. He’d gone back home early and he hoped they could speak again in a month or so. As friends.
Anh opened her door and took one look at Caitlin before simply opening her arms and hugging her tight.
After Vittorio made her cocoa laced liberally with Kahlua, she tucked up on their couch and spilled the entire story.
“I know it was sudden. I feel like a bitch. But it just, I love him so much and it felt like a lie every time I tried to talk to him about the future and he evaded me. It hurt to leave him every time, more each time. Maybe I’m asking too much. Maybe he’s right and I should move. Maybe this is all about Adam and me not wanting to move.”
“In the first place, when is the right time to have that discussion? You’ve tried to bring it up multiple times over the last months. He’s put you off over and over. In the second place, he fucking left you in Mexico? I ought to fly down to LA and kick his ass. What sort of man does that?” Vittorio fumed. He never fumed! He rarely said much of anything about Caitlin’s personal life, leaving it to Anh to say what needed saying. “And lastly, cara, this might have some roots with Adam, after all, you do know what it feels like to give up everything for someone. But he’s not giving up everything. Much of his work is portable whereas yours is not. This new project will have him traveling even more you said. He can take wedding pictures in Seattle as easily as in Los Angeles. He can fly to New York from Sea Tac just as easily as he can from LAX. Being with someone means you give things up when they can’t as easily, so the next time they make the sacrifice.”
Anh butted in. “And why is it always the woman who has to move? Who has to give up her job for the man? That’s what you’d be doing. You’d be less than a 1L law student if you gave up this job now. You’d have to start over in California. Sure, the law is comparable in many ways for abuse and neglect. But they’ve got their own interns grooming for those spots. And you’d have to take the bar there, which means more time off. You’d be set back years for this move; conversely, he’s got contacts here and all over the damned world. Adam was a powerful object lesson but this is not about Adam. This is about you and Eamon. I’m sorry. I am. You’re amazing and wonderful and why on earth he’s not running to you, I don’t know.”
“He didn’t abandon me,” Caitlin said, her voice thick with tears. “He left a note. He’s hurting and he didn’t feel like there was anything else to be said. I had a way to the airport. He knew that. I just don’t want either of you to think he’d harm me or endanger me in any way. He’s not like that. He’s a good man.”
“He’s a moron.” Anh stood. “Come on. Guest room with you. Tomorrow Vittorio will make waffles and bacon and we’ll go shopping. You don’t need to be alone.”
Vittorio caught her looking at the front door. “Don’t even think about it. Let us be here for you.”
She let Anh lead her into the guest room while Vittorio got her suitcase from her trunk. She thought she’d be awake all night but after the way she’d cried pretty much for the last twenty-four hours and the Kahlua in the cocoa, she was out once she snuggled down under the blankets and closed her eyes.
“You did what?” Laura demanded, mouth hanging open. “You left Mexico early? You left the best thing that’s ever happened to you in a foreign country on her own? You just let her go? What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Why are you taking her side? You were on my side a few months back, remember? You said she should move here! Anyway, I told you, she gave me an ultimatum that I had to move there. I have a business here and I don’t like ultimatums. Plus, who the fuck says I want to be in a permanent relationship? No, it’s better this way. I called the resort to be sure she had a shuttle to the airport. I just checked and her flight arrived in Seattle without incident last night. I didn’t leave her on her own anywhere. She got there on her own and she’s a big girl, quite capable of getting home.”
Laura shook her head at him. “I’ve never taken you for stupid. But Eamon, this is stupid. Beyond stupid. She’s perfect for you. Smart, beautiful, independent. You’d never have a dependent, you’d have a partner. You love her. I know you do.”
“She wants me to move up there! She refuses to come down here. How much does she love me?”
“I know I was on your side. At first. But I’ve gotten to know her and know her situation over the last year and a half. Michael moved to an entirely different country for me because he could do his job anywhere and my parents needed my attention. Look, I love you and Michael and I love having you here with us. But you can be a photographer in Seattle just as easily as here. I know contacts are hard to come by, but, well, your contacts are nationwide anyway. You can move there and have your business. You expect her to move here? To start over where she was three years ago and build contacts all over again? Re-take the bar here? Get a new job when she’s got her dream job there? The question is, if you love her, why would you want her to throw all that away when you moving would be the simplest thing? You love Seattle, you told me that many times.”
“I’m done having this discussion. No one gives me ultimatums.” He got up and left the room. He would get over her.
Chapter Eleven
Caitlin settled into her new life the best she could. Her job kept her busy enough and now that she had time, she allowed herself to build a social life.
She and Amy had just had dinner and Caitlin had walked home from a very lively table, still drinking, when her phone rang and she noted the area code.
Taking a deep breath, she sat and picked up.
“Hello?” She knew it was him but she couldn’t bear to act that way.
“Hi. I’ve missed talking to you and I’m sorry I didn’t call you back. I was pouting.”
She’d called him two weeks before, a month after they’d returned from Mexico and had left a message. It had killed her each day when he hadn’t called back. She felt the slap of that inattention more than when he’d left Mexico earlier.
She licked her lips, not quite knowing what to say.
“I’m sorry. I was an arsehole. We’re friends.”
“I’m sorry you were hurt.”
“How’s work?”
“Good. I have an office now.” She laughed and began to relax as she told him about her job, about her cases and her day-to-day life.
Something was missing, she realized. That spark between them, the easy give and take they’d had and she wondered, sadly, if they’d ever truly be the kind of friends they’d been before.
“How’s your work?”
“I just got back from visiting two of the program sites for the grant. It was good, you know? These kids, some of them have nothing but they protect the cameras the program loans them. They’re more careful with their equipment than most people who photograph professionally. I’m impressed. By them and the instructors.”
“Good, kids need that. I’m proud of you for doing it. How are Michael and Laura?”
“They’re fine, they send their love and ask after you. Laura frowns at me a lot.”
“How are you?”
; “I’m all right. I went on a date the other day.”
Well, that was unexpected. Well, not entirely, she knew he’d start seeing other women eventually but Christ, it had only been six weeks.
“Oh.”
“It wasn’t…nothing happened. It was stupid. I thought I could get past things. But. Anyway.”
“I have to go. I’m glad you called. I’ll talk to you later.” She couldn’t deal. Her heart was breaking and she just couldn’t hear his voice another moment. Tears pricked her eyes, swelling her throat.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know why I told you that. It wasn’t anything, I swear to you.”
“Have a good night, Eamon.” She hung up and sobbed, ignoring the phone when it rang moments later.
That was fucking clever. Eamon put the phone down after he left another apology on her voice mail. Why had he told her about the date? The tears in her voice were unmistakable and he was an asshole because for one brief moment, he’d been satisfied that she was in as much emotional turmoil as he’d been.
He scrubbed his hands through hair that was far too long. He needed a haircut and probably a shave too. He’d been utterly and completely miserable since he’d come back from Mexico.
In a moment of loneliness, he’d let a mutual friend fix him up with a woman he’d have gone for before Caitlin. But their date had been pure hell. She’d been one dimensional. Nice, pretty, great breasts, but shallow and silly and…not Caitlin.
His problem was that no one but Caitlin was Caitlin. No other women could be her. Could he live with that?
He grabbed his wallet and his phone and headed over to Laura and Michael’s.
“Caitlin, please don’t take this the wrong way, I don’t want to hurt your feelings. But he’s moving on. He’s dating and he told you about it. The prick. You can wallow around or you can move on too. It’s a date. Dinner. With a handsome man who is into you. The drawbacks to this are what exactly?” Anh asked Caitlin over a cup of coffee in the Starbucks down the street from the courthouse. Months had passed since she and Eamon had split but she just didn’t think she could let go.