by Nikita Singh
‘You need to relax, Ma. He’s almost a grown-up now. He can—’ Maahi began, but her mom cut her off.
‘Don’t you enable him!’
Sarthak appeared on the screen, shoving his head in between the camera and their mother. ‘Yo, sis. What’s up?’
‘Why are you talking like that?’ Maahi rolled her eyes.
‘Like wha’?’
‘If you’re trying to be cool, you’re failing miserably. You sound retarded!’
‘That’s offensive to people who’re, ya know, retarded fo’ real.’ Sarthak snickered.
‘Sure. I apologize to all retarded people in the vicinity who heard me and are offended. And by that I mean you.’ Maahi laughed.
‘Why you gotta be mean, yo?’
‘Stop. Talking. Like. That.’
‘You’re no fun.’ Sarthak’s face disappeared and Maahi could see her mother again.
‘Hey, come back!’ Maahi said.
‘Why?’ Sarthak asked. ‘So that you can lecture me too?’
Their mother shook her head, staying quiet. Every time she was tired of being a parent to Sarthak, she would delegate responsibility to Maahi for a moment, and take a step back. Even though Maahi was only two years older than him, and Sarthak pretended to not care about whatever she said to him, she knew he valued her opinion and was somewhat reluctantly grateful for it too.
‘I’m not going to lecture you. Just come here. I want to talk to you.’
‘Then talk. I can hear you.’
‘Stop being a child, Sarthak. What is this I’m hearing from Ma? About these new friends you’re going on bike rides with? You know you have to be safe, right? There’s nothing wrong with making new friends and riding motorcycles, as long as you use your judgement. You wear a helmet, don’t you?’ Maahi asked.
‘See? Lecture.’
‘Sarthak.’
‘What?’ Sarthak let out an exasperated groan and appeared on the screen a moment later. Maahi could see the right half of Ma’s face and left half of Sarthak’s. She was struck by how similar they looked. Growing up, everyone always told them that Maahi looked like their father and Sarthak looked like their mother, but she never really saw it. But spending these past few months away from them, not seeing them every day, she began to see what everyone had been talking about. They had the same roundish face, the same straight nose, the same brown eyes. Anyone who saw them could tell they were related.
‘You know what you’re doing, right?’ Maahi asked quietly.
‘Yes. Stop worrying about me,’ Sarthak said seriously, and those three seconds of seriousness were enough to reassure her.
‘Good. How’s everything else? How are studies?’
‘How do you think?’ their mother interjected. ‘He never—’
‘Ma!’ Maahi and Sarthak said together.
‘Fine, I won’t say anything. No one listens to me in this house. I don’t know why I even try. I’m just wasting my breath. Everyone here does as they please—’
Sarthak clutched her by her shoulders and pulled her into a bear hug. Maahi saw her mother’s slight frame disappear into her brother’s long arms. She couldn’t help but feel a bit jealous.
‘I can’t breathe!’ their mother yelped and Sarthak released her, laughing. ‘I don’t think you realize how big you’ve grown. Do you know, Maahi, he’s taller than Papa now?’
‘Really?’ Maahi asked.
‘Yep. I’m 5’11” now.’ Sarthak smirked.
‘Just one inch taller than Papa. Big deal.’
‘You just jelly beans ’cause you just a little nugget yourself.’
‘Oh God, you’re not going back to talking like that again, are you?’ Maahi shook her head.
‘Yes, tell him how ridiculous he sounds when he talks like that,’ Ma said.
Just then, Maahi heard a clicking sound on her door, and realizing that her roommate, Gunjan, was back, she plugged in her earphones. She nodded at Gunjan and mouthed hey, before resuming her Skype call. They talked for a few more minutes in a low tone, and when Gunjan left the room to go to the bathroom, Maahi quickly hung up and pretended to be asleep, pulling the covers over her head.
Maahi wasn’t friends with her roommate, mostly because neither of them tried to talk to each other. The room they shared was tiny, with dirty green walls and two metal beds pushed against opposite walls, divided by one long study table between them. Their hostel was multi-storeyed, with small rooms shared by two girls selected at random. Maahi and Gunjan had started off on the wrong foot when Maahi arrived on the first day of college with her parents to find Gunjan hanging out with three boys and two bottles of vodka. Her side of the walls were plastered with Metallica posters and the corners of the room littered with cigarette butts. Maahi’s mother asked her to stay away from that girl.
In fact, her parents were so bothered that Maahi began looking for other accommodations in areas near college. She hadn’t realized how tough it would be to find a half-decent place and gave up after the first few days. Some off-campus hostels didn’t allow girls to wear sleeveless tops, some had banned mobile phones with cameras, some didn’t let outside food to be brought in and a few even forbid girls to pillion ride a bike, let alone own one. Maahi saw a hostel room that she got particularly excited about, before she found out that they allowed visitors only once a day, and only in the hostel lobby. They even had CCTV cameras installed and there were no male visitors allowed after 7 p.m., including fathers of the students. In the end, Maahi decided to accept her current living situation. Sure, her college required a fax from her parents three days in advance if she wanted a night out, but it wasn’t as if she didn’t have a secret way to sneak out.
Gunjan had been away the last few days. Maahi needed to keep their interaction to the minimum, as instructed by her mother, but she wasn’t sleepy yet. She texted Kishan from under the covers for a while, before he went to sleep. She then texted Rohit and caught up with him. She heard Gunjan move around the room, and maintained a low profile until the lights were off and she heard no sounds for a while.
Maahi got up, shuffled her feet in search of her slippers and put them on before leaving the room. She stood outside in the balcony in partial darkness. It was quiet, and the light breeze held just a tinge of coolness. Maahi rested her arms on the cold metal railing and leaned forward to look up. She couldn’t see the moon from where she was standing, but she could see some stars hidden behind the smog. And that was enough.
In the morning, when Maahi woke up to the sound of Gunjan’s alarm, she couldn’t go back to sleep. Gunjan, however, had no trouble falling asleep again. Maahi fetched her clothes and toothbrush and made her way to the shared bathroom. She felt a little disoriented; she had only caught a few hours’ sleep. Priyanshi was by the sink brushing her teeth when Maahi entered the bathroom.
‘Hey! Morning,’ Maahi said, forcing herself to sound cheerful. She still felt slightly guilty about ditching them the other day.
‘Hi.’ Priyanshi’s voice was muffled.
‘I think I’m going to hop into the shower first.’
Priyanshi nodded.
Maahi entered a stall and put on the latch. She hung her clothes on the door and turned on the showerhead, which sprayed cold water on her. She jumped back and struggled with adjusting the temperature for a minute before getting it just right. She made out Priyanshi’s voice over the hum of the water, but couldn’t hear what she was saying. She turned off the shower.
‘Did you say something?’ Maahi asked.
‘Just asking if you feel better now,’ Priyanshi repeated.
‘Yes. Yes, I feel much better now.’
‘Okay, great.’
‘Thanks for asking,’ Maahi said, as she heard Priyanshi walk away. She struggled with getting the temperature right again, and eventually gave up, leaving the water a little on the colder side. She figured it was at least better than getting burned.
When she got back to her room, Gunjan was up, and so was the volume
of her laptop, which was playing American rock music from the 90s.
‘Morning,’ Maahi said shortly and went about gathering her stuff for the day’s classes. She intended to be out as quickly as possible, but Gunjan was in a chatty mood.
‘Heard you were sick?’
‘Yes, a little.’ Maahi spoke loudly, to be heard over the music.
‘Were you really, though? You can tell me. I won’t judge you for lying to stay away from that group of losers. Freaking nerds, all of them.’ Gunjan rolled her eyes.
Maahi felt disgusted. ‘No, I didn’t lie. And I don’t think they are losers at all.’
‘Fine. Don’t tell me. But everyone knows you weren’t really sick.’
‘What does that mean? And how do you even know any of this?’
‘They saw you at the bus station after you told them you couldn’t go out with them because you were sick. That’s how they know. And even the nerds talk, and others hear, and then they talk—do you really need me to explain to you how word goes around? Gossip 101,’ Gunjan said and proceeded to laugh at her own joke.
‘Crap,’ Maahi muttered under her breath. She thought about how Priyanshi had behaved in the bathroom and saw it in a completely different light, given the new context. She felt worse than before about lying. She needed to clear the air. She rushed down to the mess, hoping to find Priyanshi or Dev there. She could try to talk to them, casually maybe, bringing up how she had to go out that day when she was sick.
Priyanshi wasn’t around, but Maahi saw Dev at the counter with a bottle of flavoured milk. She walked up to him, but when he turned to her, she lost her courage.
‘Hey, Maahi. How are you?’ Dev said, showing no signs of anything unusual.
‘Good morning,’ Maahi said. She picked up a plate and walked around the counter to fill it. Her hands were shaking and she ended up making a mess of serving herself breakfast. To buy some more time for herself in order to calm her nerves, she walked over to the juice bar, and took a minute contemplating which one to get. She finally settled on mango milkshake and got a bottle. When she turned around, she saw that Priyanshi and a couple of her friends had joined Dev at a table. Gunjan’s words rang in her ears. Losers. Nerds. But when Maahi looked at them, that’s not what she saw.
She saw sweet people who had been kind to her and offered to be her friends. Maahi had somehow messed that up without realizing how and when it happened. She felt another pang of guilt. Talking to Priyanshi or Dev was one thing, but she couldn’t face all of them together. Losing the courage she had been able to build, she walked to a table five tables away from where they were sitting, and ate alone.
A few weeks passed and Maahi got used to being alone again. She tried to mend things with Priyanshi, and on the surface, it appeared to have worked, but sometimes when she passed them between classes and made eye contact, Maahi felt there was still a hesitation, a distrust. It made her wonder whether there was something else going on under the surface. It was a small enough issue to be forgiven and forgotten by then, but maybe not. Maybe she really had hurt their feelings.
Or maybe Gunjan had said something to add fuel to the fire. The thought crossed Maahi’s mind a few times, but she discarded it, convincing herself to stop being paranoid. In any case, Maahi found a rhythm in being by herself. She didn’t mind eating alone, walking to classes alone, sitting with whoever had an empty seat next to them, walking back to the hostel alone. Sometimes she did wish she could have people to study with in a group, but she quickly learned to get over it.
Kishan had been busy the past few weeks, so they didn’t get to spend much time together. They still managed to meet once a week, mostly on Sundays. Maahi didn’t particularly mind the drop in the frequency of their meetings. The pressure of her coursework was rising and she was grateful for any time she got to study and finish her assignments. That didn’t mean she didn’t miss Kishan.
Maahi was rapidly approaching the end of her first semester, and when she thought about it, she was amazed by how much she had changed. From the cheerful girl who was always surrounded by her loving family, close friends and a boyfriend she couldn’t go a day without seeing, to a solitary creature. Maybe that’s called growing up. She couldn’t help but feel proud of herself.
She was meeting Kishan later that day to help him pack. The project keeping him busy at work ended that week, and he was taking a weekend trip to Puri with his colleagues before it got too cold to go to the beach. Kishan had asked Maahi to come, but she knew her parents would freak out and not let her go. She thought about going without telling them, but chickened out. She kept imagining her parents landing up at her college to surprise her when she was over a thousand kilometres away. She also didn’t have enough money for the trip and couldn’t ask her parents for it without giving them a reason. Kishan offered to buy her tickets but she didn’t feel right doing that. Having been raised in a middle-class family, Maahi had seen her parents work hard for their money and what trickled down to her was the idea that she had to earn her keep. She wanted to go with him, but it just wasn’t feasible.
When she reached his apartment, she was exhausted from her day at college. She had an assignment submission deadline that day which had kept her up the past couple of nights. It was a Friday evening, she was mostly done with her week’s coursework, and was ready to relax a little.
‘Hey there!’ Kishan said, holding the door open for her.
‘Hey,’ Maahi said, kissing him on the cheek before walking in. ‘What happened here?’ She gestured around the living room, which was in a mess. Maahi couldn’t fathom how someone with such few pieces of furniture could create a mess of this magnitude.
‘I honestly have no idea. I am as unorganized and dirty as you are organized and clean.’ Kishan shrugged, looking around the room.
‘Good thing I like it dirty!’ Maahi said, tongue-in-cheek. She couldn’t believe she actually said it aloud, but it slipped out before she could put a leash on her tongue.
Kishan laughed. ‘Don’t even go there right now. I’m all over the place. If we get into that, we’ll get nothing done.’
‘What do we need to get done?’
‘Are you kidding me? Packing! I don’t know if I even have clean clothes; my maid hasn’t been here in a week. I’m so sick of wearing shirts and trousers to work, I can’t even remember the last time I put on a pair of jeans.’
‘Last week, when I was here,’ Maahi said. She went to his bedroom and swung open his cupboard door. ‘Don’t be so dramatic about it. You’re coming back on Monday morning. We only need to pack for two days.’
Kishan stood by the bedroom door, his head leaning against the wall. ‘I don’t even know where to begin.’
‘You’re such a spoiled baby! Okay, why don’t you start by picking out two pairs of shorts and three T-shirts? I’ll make a checklist of the things you need to take.’
‘What if it’s cold?’
‘We’ll check the weather then. Keep your swimming shorts if you’re going to go swimming.’ Maahi laughed. ‘You really are hopeless, aren’t you?’
‘I kind of am.’ Kishan nodded, sticking out his bottom lip.
Maahi eventually asked him to sit down on the bed, which was opposite the cupboard, while she packed for him. He sat there saying yes or no to clothes that she picked out. They were both surprised when she was done in under half an hour.
‘You have a talent. A real talent,’ Kishan said, pointing at the suitcase Maahi was zipping up.
‘This is hardly a talent.’ Maahi shrugged, but inside, she felt warmed by his comment. She pushed the suitcase against the wall and joined Kishan on the bed. They both fell on their backs, legs on the floor. Maahi sighed loudly.
‘Thank you, baby,’ Kishan said. ‘Now if you could be a good girl and clean the rest of my apartment…’
Maahi giggled, her eyes closed, her lips stretched in a smile. ‘Right.’
‘I wish you could come with me.’
‘Me too.’
>
‘I’m going to miss you,’ Kishan said, his tone sincere.
Maahi opened her eyes and looked at him. He was looking at her. She touched his beard. ‘Me too.’
4
Maahi drove in silence, while Kishan reclined in the passenger seat, looking lazily out of the window. She was picking him up from the airport in his car. She had accompanied him to the airport when he was flying to Puri, and had taken his car back to her hostel. It was 5 a.m. on a Monday, but Maahi was glad for the opportunity to talk to him in person before they both got caught up in their week.
‘How would you feel?’ Maahi asked.
‘I wouldn’t feel anything. Because there is nothing to feel,’ Kishan said. Maahi could sense the anger underlying his clipped tone.
‘You didn’t tell me she was going to be there.’
‘Because I didn’t know she was going to be there in the first place. I’ve told you this. Don’t be unreasonable, Maah—’
‘Don’t. Kishan, no. Don’t even pretend that this is normal and I’m the crazy one here.’ Maahi tightened her hold on the steering wheel. ‘You had several chances to tell me. I didn’t have to find out on Facebook that you’ve been vacationing with your ex-girlfriend at the beach. That’s not how it should be, and don’t try to tell me otherwise.’
‘She isn’t my ex-girlfriend because she was never my girlfriend in the first place.’
‘Right—my bad. Fling. Isn’t that what you like to call it?’
‘Don’t make a big deal out of nothing. You’re taking this way too seriously,’ Kishan said.
‘I’m not! You’re taking it way too lightly. I would’ve been okay if you had just told me she was there, that’s all. The fact that you lied—’
‘I didn’t lie—’
‘Stop it!’ Maahi shifted in her seat. She really didn’t want to fight with him that early in the morning. ‘Fine, you didn’t lie. But you didn’t tell me either. Withholding the truth is quite close to lying in my eyes.’
‘It wasn’t important enough to be mentioned. We bumped into each other and decided to hang out—that’s all. It’s not as if she’s my enemy and I have to cut her out of my life completely.’