by Nikita Singh
‘I heard that guy’s back in town—Kishan. Your ex.’
‘I heard too.’
‘Did he try to talk to you?’
‘Yes,’ Maahi said quietly. ‘I have nothing to say to him. It was a long time ago and it doesn’t affect me anymore,’ Maahi said. She was glad she meant it. ‘But that’s not what I’m asking you. I’m asking if something’s up with you?
Sarthak was quiet for a moment, and Maahi could tell there was definitely something on his mind. She noticed how tired his eyes looked, weary with dark shadows underneath them. He had shaved that morning, which made him look much younger, even though Maahi always saw him as a baby anyway. He pursed his lips and shook his head.
‘What?’ Maahi prodded, panicking a little inside. She was so used to seeing Sarthak upbeat that this person in front of her scared her.
‘I broke up,’ he said finally.
‘You had a girlfriend?’
Sarthak glared at her.
‘What? How was I supposed to know if you never told me?’ Maahi asked, exasperated.
‘You never asked.’
That made Maahi pause. She had been so caught up in their plans for Cookies + Cupcakes, her equation with her parents and her relationship with Siddhant that she hadn’t been able to give any time or thought to her brother, with whom she was sharing a roof. Laila and she had set up a webpage and started marketing their brand digitally and selling their products to build a name, so when they weren’t working on the pitch and business plan or weren’t at their jobs, they baked from home to fill the orders. Maahi also had college, on top of that. She was taking advantage of the one month she had left before her final year at college began, but time was flying. There was too much to do. ‘You’re right,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Nah, I could’ve told you. You told me about Siddhant.’
‘Then why didn’t you? Do you want to talk about it?’
‘It wasn’t anything serious; there was nothing to tell. She was in my coaching class for JEE. We had only been going out a few months, but I thought it could become something. It was different with her. But we had to end it,’ Sarthak said. Maahi felt a punch in her chest when she saw how sad and wistful he looked.
‘Why did it have to end?’ she asked slowly. She walked over to him and sat next to him on the giant bean bag.
‘She’s going to Kharagpur. I didn’t get in.’ Sarthak snickered suddenly. ‘All this time everyone’s been saying they are so proud of me for getting into IIT-B, when I’ve been cursing myself for not getting into the college she got into.’
‘Did she get into Bombay?’
Sarthak shook his head and got up. ‘It doesn’t matter. It wasn’t that serious. We couldn’t let it get serious because of precisely this reason. And then the JEE results came. We talked about long distance, but fuck that. That shit never works.’ He gave her his hand.
Maahi took it and got up. ‘Are you okay?’
Sarthak shrugged. ‘It was only a few months, but I really felt something … I could’ve really fallen for her, if I let myself. Maybe I did too. A little bit. I couldn’t help it. And trust me, I tried.’
‘Yeah,’ Maahi said quietly. ‘It doesn’t work like that, does it? Can’t really control it.’
‘Yep.’
‘But it will get better. You have to give it some time.’
Sarthak nodded. ‘Want to go for a ride? I’m sick of being inside. There’s nothing to do. All my friends have already started moving to their colleges and I don’t want to see people from my coaching—they keep asking about her. And you’ve been so busy with your shit.’
‘Let’s go,’ Maahi said. She cleared her throat. ‘Also, umm, watch your language.’
Maahi flipped off the tube light and sat down at Siddhant’s desk. They had plans to meet for dinner but he got stuck at the hospital. Neither of them wanted to cancel, so he asked her to go to his apartment and told her he would join her as soon as he could. He ended up getting delayed further. So, Maahi ordered food with Alia and Eshaan. After they ate, Maahi came to Siddhant’s room to work on her logo while she waited for him.
There was so much work to be done for Cookies + Cupcakes. Maahi had taken over the design templates of the logo, menu, flyers and business cards. They were also planning on some promotional T-shirts and caps, but that was Phase II. Maahi pretended that she wasn’t crumbling under the pressure of setting up a new business, but she wasn’t doing so well. She usually had help from Laila, but Laila was in one of her freaking-out phases, so Maahi was allowing her some time off, away from all this. She had some of those too. At any point during these past few months, one person was always drowning in pressure and scepticism while the other carried the weight for both of them.
Just when she was struggling to keep her eyes open, she got a message.
Siddhant: Still here. Doesn’t look like they’re going to let me off any time soon.
Maahi: Should I wait up?
Siddhant: No. Go to sleep. I might be able to join you in a couple of hours, but I can’t promise anything.
Maahi: That’s okay. Have a good night.
Siddhant: I’m really sorry. Sweet dreams.
Maahi: No, please don’t feel bad. I totally understand. You take care of yourself.
Siddhant: I do feel bad. I haven’t seen you in forever.
Maahi: Finish your work and come home. I’ll be here.
Siddhant: The only thought that’s keeping me sane right now. Seriously.
She had a smile on her face when she went to sleep that night. They had been seeing each other for almost a year, and even though they started slow, deciding not to read too much into it—be each other’s companion, spend time together, share and be there for each other more than anything else—they had come to really depend on each other.
Maahi’s thoughts went to Kishan. She barely thought about him, that too in passing, but ever since she’d heard he was in Delhi, she couldn’t help but think about him. It reminded her of how she had changed completely over the last three years. From the wide-eyed teenager with rose-tinted glasses to someone who had a passion and ambition for something. She now tried to face challenges instead of being afraid.
And yet, she couldn’t deny that she wasn’t entirely fearless, not when it came to love and relationships. After things ended with Kishan, she had been very cautious. She wasn’t ready to invest emotionally in another person. But over time, without trying, she had developed feelings for Siddhant. She saw people in relationships all around her, struggling, unhappy and frustrated. When she looked back at her relationship with Kishan, that’s what she saw too. Maybe time had warped her memory and she had a skewed perception of how things really were. The thing she recalled most vividly was never feeling at peace with herself. Never feeling content.
When things started getting serious with Siddhant, she got scared. The last thing she wanted was to get into something that would add to her stress. But their relationship had grown in a way that gave her a certain amount of reassurance. Siddhant had only made her life easier. Apart from the incident after their first date—the Mario Kart night—when he had stopped talking to her for a while. She didn’t think about that; they had come a long way from there.
Maahi liked sleeping in his bed; it smelled like him. She had told her parents she was staying over at Laila’s because they needed to work. Which they did, but Laila was being useless, and Maahi was taking over. She sometimes wished she could tell her parents about Siddhant. She hated having to lie every time she had to come out to meet him. But she was already walking on thin ice with them. They had made a compromise that she would stay in college in exchange for their approval for the bakery. Until now, they only had a webpage and a title of home-bakers that they weren’t exceptionally proud of. They had a long way to go. Maahi planned to drop out of college as soon as they secured funding. She feared her parents’ reaction when that happened. On top of everything else, she couldn’t tell them about Siddhant. At
least not yet, when she and Siddhant didn’t even know what they were doing and hadn’t discussed a future.
For now, she was happy just being where she was. Even though he wasn’t there, she could still feel closer to him. She missed him; they hadn’t seen each other in over a week, but something was better than nothing. And this was definitely something.
14
‘No, don’t wake up. Go back to sleep,’ Siddhant whispered in her ear.
Maahi turned her head to look at him, but couldn’t see anything in the darkness. She felt his arm coil around her and rest at her waist as he lay down next to her on the bed. ‘What time is it?’ she asked.
‘Four. Almost five. Go back to sleep,’ Siddhant repeated.
He held her to him, her back against his chest. Maahi could feel the warmth of his skin. She snuggled in. They both fell asleep instantly.
The next time Maahi opened her eyes, she found them in the same position—Siddhant asleep behind her, still holding her.
She couldn’t go back to sleep. She turned towards Siddhant, sideways, and looked at him, whatever she could see in the dark, the only light was the blue blinking one coming from the Internet router against the wall. His slanted forehead was partially covered with his messy hair. He clearly hadn’t got a haircut in weeks. She wondered if all doctors had to work this hard, and if they all had trouble finding time to get haircuts. She didn’t mind it. Siddhant was usually very organized and she liked moments like these when he wasn’t trying to do anything. The unkempt long hair was more natural and endearing. It made him look younger, but that could also be because he was sleeping. He always looked younger when he was asleep. She was tempted to touch his hair, but resisted.
His long, thin face was covered in a stubble. Maahi could tell he hadn’t shaved in two or three days. His beard made his nose look longer, more prominent, and his chin subtler. Maahi wished she could see his eyes—her favourite thing about him. His brow cast a shadow over his deep-set eyes, those intense eyes that she could never look away from, especially when he laughed, resulting in adorable crinkles in the corners.
His lips were slightly open. Maahi could hear his slow breathing. On impulse, she rested her weight on her elbow and leaned in to kiss him. She was careful not to disturb him; one small kiss was all she needed. She lingered just above his lips for a second, looking at him, and then let her lips touch his. She moved them gently, holding his between hers, pulling in, before releasing.
Maahi pulled away, but couldn’t resist going in for just one more little kiss. This time, she didn’t move at all. She rested her lips on top of his and held them together between hers, pausing for a moment. She could feel his breath on her face. She laid her hand on his chest for support, feeling his heartbeat under her palm.
This time, when she pulled away and lay down on her back, Siddhant moved with her. He rose and turned towards her, as if he was being pulled to her by some unknown force. His eyes were still closed. He rested his elbows on either side of her and kissed her mouth unhurriedly. He gave her several small kisses, moving back after each of them, just to lean right back in and kiss her again. His eyes were closed, Maahi suspected that he was still half asleep, but that didn’t stop him.
His mouth slipped from her lips to her cheek and then her ear, leaving a trail of wet kisses. He hid his face in her hair and grunted. Maahi only heard the end of his sentence. ‘… smell so good.’ He kept lying there, smelling her hair. He supported half of his weight on his elbows, half on her.
Siddhant rubbed his nose in her hair, his cheek grazing hers. The gentle scratches on her face sent shivers down her spine. His face still in her hair, Siddhant supported himself on one arm and slipped the other down her body—starting at her waist, moving down to her thigh, her knee, and further down to her ankle. He held the heel of her foot and moved it away, pushing her legs apart. His hand travelled back to her knee, held it and pushed it further away, making space for himself between her legs.
Maahi rested her hand on his shoulder and felt his muscle flex as he held her hand and pulled it up, next to her head. He finally lifted his face from her hair and looked at her. He leaned forward and kissed her before moving back to look at her. He came in to kiss her again. Pinning his one hand under her chin, with his thumb grazing her lower lip and the other holding her hand down, Siddhant kissed her passionately. His lips moved against hers, sucking, nibbling.
Maahi moaned. Her eyes shut and her spine arched back to receive his kisses. She could smell Siddhant’s musky scent spread through her. His lips were soft, gentle yet persuasive. His tongue made its way into her mouth, coaxing her to open it further, let him in. They pulled back and caught a quick breath before their lips touched again. She opened her eyes to look at him, but his eyes were closed.
‘Siddhant,’ Maahi whispered.
‘Mmm?’ He continued kissing her. Maahi just shook her head. ‘What is it?’ he asked.
‘Nothing. I just like your name.’
‘Mmm,’ Siddhant grunted and slipped from her lips to her neck. He nipped at it, causing Maahi to quiver under him. His fingers found the bare skin between her T-shirt and shorts. He placed his palm down on her stomach and slithered it unhurriedly to her lower back. He pulled her closer to himself, her stomach arched up to nestle softly against his.
Her hand finally free of his captivity, Maahi placed it on his chest, running it up to his shoulder, and then back. She reached down and pulled his T-shirt up, using both her hands. Siddhant rose up and helped her take it off. As soon as it was on the floor, Siddhant leaned in to kiss her again. Maahi ran her fingers freely on his back, feeling his smooth skin, his taut muscle.
‘I haven’t seen you in so long,’ Siddhant muttered, releasing her lips to look into her eyes.
‘I know.’ Maahi touched his nose with hers.
‘I missed you.’
Maahi wanted to say something, but she struggled with finding the right words to express her emotions.
Instead, she held the back of his neck and drew his face closer to hers. She kissed him, her one hand on his chest and the other playing with the hair at the base of his neck. Siddhant rose up on his knees, his body between her legs. He pushed them apart. Maahi raised her head from the pillow as she sat up, their mouths never breaking contact. Her long hair cascaded in the air, landing on the space-grey pillowcase in waves. Siddhant caught hold of a few strands and played with them.
She pushed him backwards by his chest, getting up and turning him over on his back. She straddled him and ran her fingers up his stomach, to his chest, stopping at his neck. Supporting herself on her knees, she bent forward to kiss him.
Siddhant reached for her T-shirt and pulled it off in one swift motion. Maahi kissed his chin and trailed her tongue over his jaw before circling it around his earlobe.
He groaned. ‘You’re killing me right now.’
Maahi didn’t stop. Their bodies touched, and shared heat. Maahi placed her hands on each side of Siddhant’s face and held it in place while she explored his mouth with hers. He welcomed it, he participated in it. They played with each other’s lips. Maahi traced his lower lip with her tongue before sucking on it.
Siddhant held the back of her head in place as he kissed her. He slipped his other hand up her stomach and then around, reaching for the clasp of her bra. He unhooked it. Holding the straps in both hands, he helped her take it off, sliding his fingers down her arms in the process.
He looked at her with such intensity that Maahi’s cheeks turned red. She bent, trying to hide herself in him. Her hair fell on his face, which he moved out of the way. ‘Let me look at you,’ he breathed.
Maahi shook her head, her lips grazing his chest.
‘Tickles,’ Siddhant said. Maahi did it again. ‘You…’ Siddhant held her eyes before letting his glide to her lips, her neck, all the way down to her stomach. He pushed her on her back and reached for the waist of her shorts. ‘We won’t be needing this,’ he murmured, pulling on the pink ribbo
n that held her thin cotton shorts in place.
Siddhant’s fingers touched every inch of her legs as he pulled her shorts off leisurely, teasing her. He bunched them in his fist before throwing them to the floor. He lay on top of her, resting his weight on her body, as he kissed her mouth. She could feel the rough fabric of his jeans against her hips.
Maahi pulled him towards her as they kissed. He pulled back slightly and looked at her. Their eyes met. A small smile appeared on Maahi’s face. Siddhant kissed her forehead, and looked her in the eyes again. His fingers rubbed softly against her cheek as he examined her face, his eyes moving from her eyes to her cheek, to her lip and back to her eyes.
‘You’re so beautiful,’ Siddhant murmured.
Maahi breathed harder, matching the rhythm of Siddhant’s erratic breaths. Her eyes were darker, his eyebrows casting that mysterious shadow over them. He fumbled with the knob of his bedside table, looking for the box of condoms. His lips were parted slightly, blowing warm air on her face. Maahi reached for his zipper, her fingers unsteady.
Siddhant let his hand slide over her jaw, over her neck and pause at her breasts. He followed the movement with his mouth. Maahi arched her body back. Her eyes shut, her fingers digging in his shoulder as she felt his mouth on her. She gasped for air, her lips parting.
Maahi lay in bed with him for a long time. Siddhant had barely got a few hours of sleep, and went right back to sleep. Maahi was surprised he had even woken up in the first place. He had been up for over thirty-six hours before that. But that’s the cost of following your passion, she reasoned. He loved what he did, and was working hard for it. She needed to get up and get back to her work too. They were meeting with prospective investors late in the day. She had to go over the pitch presentation with Laila and make sure she wasn’t still freaking out.
Maahi slipped out of bed and into the bathroom. She took a quick shower and came out. She would ring Laila on her way so that they could meet up and revise their presentation thoroughly. Having done it over and over again, it was difficult to be as enthusiastic as they had been in the beginning. It was, however, important to remember that they might have done it tens of times but the investors were only hearing them the first time. It made Maahi nervous. A lot was riding on this.