"You're a natural at that." Josh had been standing at the foot of the bed watching.
"At what?"
"Mothering." He took my hand and led me to the living room. He pulled me to him and wrapped his arms around me.
"Want something to drink?" I pulled away without looking him in the eye and went to the kitchen, got him a beer, and poured myself a glass of chardonnay. He sat in the chair, and I sat on the sofa.
"Well, tell me about it."
"I saw him."
"Rodney?"
"Uh, huh?" I took a long sip of my wine and tried not to look at Josh but I could feel his stare boring a hole through me.
"So?"
"It's over between us. He has someone else." I didn't look at him, and I felt tears gather under my eyelids.
"What does that mean?"
"I'm not sure, but I'm very hurt and sad."
"I'm sorry, Susie. I hate to see you hurting, but take all the time you need. I told you I'm in no rush. I'm not going away." He talked in a whisper as if he wasn't sure he meant it, but I couldn't deal with his feelings, I was too wrapped up in my own.
"Can we talk about Emalene?" I asked. I'd been thinking about her the entire time. I'd talked to Joe several times but he never let me speak to her.
"She's better and will probably go home from the hospital this week."
"What did they find?" I was standing in the living room in front of the chair where he was sitting.
"I'll let her tell you." He stood up and took me into his arms. I realized it felt good that Josh could help me forget Rodney, but I would never use Josh or be dishonest with him. I snuggled into his embrace and wrapped my arms around his waist. We stood there for a long time.
*
When I called Emalene on Sunday, Joe answered and asked me to keep Lilly until Wednesday. He said Emma was asleep and he'd have her call me back, but she never did, and I figured Joe didn't tell her.
I picked Lilly up at her after-school program when I got off work on Wednesday and we rode the bus out to Springfield Gardens. She was jumping up and down, and I was holding her pink duffle bag packed with clean clothes on one shoulder and her school backpack on the other when Joe opened the front door. Lilly jumped into his arms and he picked her up, hugged her, and put her down. She took off running down the hall towards the master bedroom. Joe turned and walked into the house and left me standing on the porch. He never said hello, thank you, come inside, nothing.
I let myself in and went to Lilly's room to put her things away, then I found Joe in the kitchen. He was sitting at the table with a half-empty bottle of bourbon in front of him and a large shot glass. He filled the glass and downed it. Then he poured another shot.
"You okay?"
"This glass is too small." He got up and found a tumbler in the cabinet next to the refrigerator. He sat back down and poured the glass half-full of bourbon.
"Joe? Are you okay?"
"NO! I'M NOT OKAY! Stop asking." He downed half the liquid in the glass and put his head on the table. I walked out and went to Emalene's bedroom. Lilly was in bed with her and they were sitting with their backs propped against the headboard. Emma was as beautiful as ever but very thin. I hugged her, and we chatted for a few minutes. I wanted to know what the doctors found, but she didn't want to talk in front of Lilly.
"Do you want me to pick Lilly up at school tomorrow?"
"I think I'll keep her home with me the rest of the week." She hugged Lilly, and the two of them snuggled under the covers and giggled. I was happy Lilly was back with her mother. They were good together. I marveled that I wasn't jealous of their relationship and I hoped it was because Emalene's goodness was rubbing off on me.
I let myself out of the house without saying anything to Joe. When I got home I was worried; too wired to sleep. I poured myself a glass of wine and called Josh.
"Please tell me what's wrong with Emma." I sat at my kitchen table, one hand holding the phone, the other holding my aching head. "She can't talk to me with Lilly around and I don't know how to get her alone."
"Can I call you back in just a minute?" He sounded like I might have disturbed him and I was taken aback. He'd always been so available to me. We hung up, and I drank my wine and poured myself another glass. I rarely drank more than one, so I knew I was in a bad place.
He called back about thirty minutes later.
"Emma said you should go to see her tomorrow. I'll be there, and I'll take Lilly for a walk or something." Josh was speaking slowly and softly, and it scared me.
"Why can't you tell me now?"
"Emma wants to tell you herself." He took a deep breath and sighed.
"Josh. You're scaring me. This sounds serious." I rubbed my forehead as if to push the thoughts in and out.
"Just go to see her tomorrow afternoon. I'll see you there." He hung up, and I listened to the dial tone for several long seconds thinking about Emma and wondering what was wrong with her that was so secretive. I had to wait another day to find out.
*
"How long have you known?" I was sitting on the ottoman facing her in her over-stuffed chair.
"I had surgery two years ago, and radiation. We thought it was gone. But…"
"Oh, Emma!" I put my head in her lap, and she stroked my hair and said something like, "There, there. It'll be fine." But I knew it wouldn't. What would I do without Emalene and Joe? And what would happen to Lilly? "Did Josh know two years ago?"
"Of course. He helped me when I was first diagnosed. He lined me up with the best breast surgeon in New York and got me in with a leading research oncologist. I don't know how I would have handled the medical part of this without Josh."
"But he didn't tell me."
"I don't think he felt it was his story to tell. I'm telling you now. The surgery two years ago was to remove the tumor. Two weeks ago, after you and Lilly left for Louisiana, I had a double mastectomy."
"Emma, how serious is this?"
"Serious but treatable. I'm going to start chemotherapy on Monday. I might need your help with Lilly if it makes me sick. I don't want Joe to miss too much work, yet."
"Anything. I'll do anything you need." We didn't talk for the longest time. I just let her stroke my hair, and I inhaled her scent of lilac mixed with something like lemons. Finally, I lifted my head and looked at her. It was hard for me to believe she was sick.
Later Josh drove me home, and I asked him about Emma's prognosis.
"I don't know, Susie. Cancer is such a difficult disease to predict. Two years ago we removed the tumor and she had a series of radiation treatments. We thought she was healed, and in many cases, that's all it takes. With this recurrence, radiation will not work; the only option is chemo." He was driving slowly and looked at me out the corner of his eye.
"She looks thin and pale, doesn't she? I'm worried."
"Yeah. Me too." We drove into my parking lot, and he stopped the car but left the engine running. I looked at him, and he smiled and winked. I wanted to be mad at him for not telling me about Emma's cancer. I wanted to stay mad at all of them for keeping secrets. But, somehow, in the face of the seriousness of things that were happening, none of that seemed to matter.
Again, I thought how much I had grown over the past year.
*
The next month was a blur of putting one foot in front of the other, trying to move on from Rodney, but feeling stuck. I was also concerned about my family's problems—Mama gone, Daddy sick. And worse, Emalene had cancer.
Lilly was the bright spot in my life. I lived for Wednesdays and Saturdays when we would be together. During most of the week I'd go to work, come home, read, work on my Catfish stories and go to bed. On Wednesdays, I'd pick Lilly up at school and she'd spend the night at my apartment. I'd take her to school Thursday mornings and watch her curls bounce as she ran into the building, waving her hand over her shoulder saying, "I love you, Susie."
On Saturdays, I would rest
ock my fridge and pantry, wash my clothes, vacuum, and try to stay busy until about three o'clock when I'd head back to Springfield Gardens.
Every week Emma looked a little better and seemed a bit more chipper. The chemo treatments were hard on her, and the doctors had to reduce the amount and frequency. When she was having treatments, she was lethargic and stayed in bed a lot. And she was thin, but was always in good spirits and happy to see me when I arrived.
As soon as I walked in the door, Joe would walk out without a word. I'd stay until he returned, unless it was after ten at night, which it often was, in which case I'd spend the night with Lilly in her double bed, then have to hustle to get to work in the morning.
I started going to mass on Sundays at the chapel on the campus of St. John's. It was familiar, and I had missed my Catholic roots. I prayed a lot during those long, sad months. I prayed for Rodney. I prayed that I would heal and that God would show me what I should do with my life without Rodney in it.
I enjoyed my job and the people I worked with. It was a great diversion from my personal life. I was becoming a star at work, well respected and moving up in the ranks.
Josh called every night. Sometimes I just didn't answer the phone. When I did answer, he mostly carried on a one-sided conversation, and we'd hang up. But he never ridiculed me or made me feel guilty for the distance I put between us. He was there for me if I needed him, but he didn’t crowd me while I felt my way through the murkiness of my life.
It got cold, it snowed, and merchants began displaying Christmas decorations. On Thanksgiving, I went to Emalene and Joe's for dinner. When I rang the doorbell that afternoon, Lilly came running into my arms and pulled me into the house by my hand.
"Guess who's here!" She was excited, and I laughed at her giddiness, followed her into the kitchen, and watched her jump into Josh's arms. "It's Uncle Josh!" She hugged his neck and scampered down to the floor.
Josh was standing in the middle of the kitchen wearing one of Emalene's aprons, with an oven mitt on his hand. He had flour on one of his cheeks and a sheepish grin on his face.
"Joe's not here, and I somehow got roped into cooking a turkey, under the direction of Maestro Emma!" He was laughing. I started laughing, too, at the sight of Josh, the grin on his face, the mess in the kitchen—the entire scene was comical. I wanted to kiss him, but instead, I joined the party.
Emalene sat at the table, giggling. She was instructing him on how to make Thanksgiving dinner yet he'd never stirred a pot in his life. Soon I had on an apron, and Josh and I were both taking direction from Emma, all of us laughing and cutting up like children. We opened a bottle of wine and sat at the table while the dressing-stuffed turkey baked and the potatoes boiled.
"Where's Joe?"
"Not sure," Emma said and looked at Josh as though he could explain.
"We aren't sweeping things under the table. The one thing Emalene needs is honesty and for everyone to act like she's Emma, not Cancer!"
"Okay, but what does that have to do with Joe?"
"Joe hasn't been coming home much lately," Emalene said.
"Oh?"
"He can't handle this. I need him, but I understand how he could feel overwhelmed and need time to figure things out."
"Reminds me of my mother. She ran out on my dad when he got sick." I didn't mean to blurt out my own problems. I hadn't discussed my situation with Emma because she'd been sick. I hadn't told Josh much either.
"Oh, Susie, I'm sorry. You never told me what happened in Louisiana. You've been so sad since you returned, but you and I haven't really had time to talk about it."
"It's nothing. It's just I was thinking how some people can't deal with a change like chronic illness when it's someone they love. I mean I wonder…" I couldn't finish my thought about how some people couldn't watch their loved one waste away and die.
We were all quiet. I had ruined the festive spirit, but Lilly ran into the room and started dancing and asking for music. Josh got up and put a Christmas record on the stereo, and he and Lilly danced to "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." Emma and I watched them and smiled, but we were both lost in our own losses—she'd lost Joe, I'd lost Rodney.
We'd just sat down to dinner when Joe stumbled in, drunk. Josh practically carried him to the bedroom and, I guess, got him in bed where he passed out cold. Emalene proceeded with Thanksgiving as though nothing had happened and I watched as she made everything appear wonderful for Lilly. I thought for the umpteenth time what a wonderful mother Emalene was and how lucky I was to have chosen her.
Neither Josh nor I wanted to leave Emma and Lilly in the house with Joe, but Emalene insisted they would be fine. I had originally thought I'd spend the night, but no longer felt it was a good idea, so I offered to take Lilly home with me. Emalene said, "No, it's Thanksgiving, I'd rather have her with me. You're welcome to stay with us, Susie," but I declined.
Josh offered to drive me home. When I hesitated, he said, "It's just a ride, so you don't have to take the bus so far this late at night."
We didn't talk in the car. When he pulled up at my apartment, I said thank you and opened the door. He didn't try to stop me, but before I got fully out of the car, I turned around and looked at him.
"I'm really sorry about how I'm acting, Josh. I can't help myself."
"I'm the last person you need to explain yourself to. You've had a lot of losses—your dad, your parents' marriage, Emma, Joe, Rodney. Take all the time you need to grieve. When you get tired of carrying all of this alone, I'm here, available, and willing to walk with you through this tunnel." He stared at me, and I wondered how anyone could love me so unconditionally when I was so flawed. Mostly I wondered why I couldn't love Josh Ryan, who was probably perfect for me.
Time can move slowly sometimes; other times it speeds by, and you wonder how so much could happen in such a short span.
We got into a new routine after Christmas. I'd pick Lilly up at school on Monday afternoons and keep her at my apartment all week, then take her home on Friday afternoon. Joe would show up on Saturdays, and I'd go home and spend the rest of the weekend at my apartment.
One Friday in March when I took Lilly home, Emalene was on the floor in the kitchen, out cold. I called an ambulance, then called Josh, who said he would find Joe. Lilly was beside herself, crying, screaming, wanting to get in the ambulance with her mother, so the two of us got in the back with the paramedic and sped off to the hospital.
Josh was in the Emergency Room when we arrived. Lilly jumped into his arms, and I fell against him. He hugged us both and led us to a private waiting room, then left to see about Emalene. A pretty young nurse came in and asked if we needed anything and even though we said, "No," she brought us sodas and crackers. An hour later, Josh came back and sat down at the round table in the center of the room. Lilly sat on his lap, and I was across from them.
"Joe's with her now. It's not good. We did some X-rays and a CT scan, and the cancer has spread. She fainted because she hasn't had anything to eat all week and is dehydrated. We have to make some kind of arrangements for care since Joe doesn't go home much, and that means Emalene is alone most of the week." He looked so sad and helpless. I reached across the table and took his hand. Lilly was hanging onto his neck, and I wished I could be in her place. I needed to hang on to someone.
Joe moved out of the house, and I moved in to help care for Emalene. She told me that Joe was disgusted with her since her mastectomy and didn't want to be married to her anymore. It was the saddest thing I'd ever heard, and it made me see my problems as minute in comparison.
I prepared dinner at night and made sure Emma ate and kept up her fluid intake; I'd fix leftover plates for the next day for Emma and the sitter Joe had hired to help out. In the morning I'd take Lilly to school and go to work.
The doctors decided Emalene could no longer tolerate the chemotherapy, even in the lower doses they'd been administering.
"No more? Ever? What does that mean?" I w
as sitting on the sofa in Emma's living room. Josh had come over to check on Emma and have dinner with us.
"Cancer is a strange bird. This one could be slow-growing, and she could have lots of years. Or it could be fast, and we could lose her in a matter of months. Without treatment, we know it will grow; how fast, we don't know." Josh was honest and I could tell he was sad. I was, too. He moved to the sofa and put his arms around me. I laid my head on his chest, and we cried quietly together for our friend, and for ourselves.
Finally, I got hold of myself and sat up straight. He still had his arm over my shoulder, and he held my hand in my lap.
"How's Joe?" He squeezed my shoulder, and I could feel his breath on my hair, so I knew he was looking at me.
"I hardly know Joe anymore. He's retreated into himself and doesn't communicate at all." I sat there like a zombie, unable to put all the pieces together.
On Sunday Josh took Lilly and me to the park and to Marco’s for pizza. I was distant and quiet, absorbed in all the feelings of loss, and too depressed to see the person right in front of me offering the kind of devotion and love I needed most.
*
Joe came home some nights to see Lilly, which gave me a little time to myself. He didn't speak to me, and I wondered whether he spoke to Emma when they were alone.
We turned the storage room into a small bedroom for me, although I usually slept with Lilly. I had a single bed and a small table that served as a desk, and the space was private enough—a place to write and think.
Emma rarely got out of bed. She was thin and weak and could barely make it to the bathroom without help. Yet she was always positive and light-hearted, insisting Lilly and I play cards or dominoes with her, or pile in the bed and watch TV and eat popcorn together.
Josh came over two or three evenings a week and had dinner with us. He'd examine Emma and check on her medications. Joe sometimes came to visit Lilly on Saturdays, or Josh would relieve me so I could go to my apartment to water my plants, pick up my mail, and get the things I needed. Those once-a-week visits to my place seemed to keep me grounded in my life, disrupted and crazy as it was.
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