Me Being Me Is Exactly as Insane as You Being You

by Todd Hasak-Lowy

  The main symptom, or weird thing he has, renders Eli totally clueless when it comes to understanding what constitutes an appropriate speaking volume in almost any situation, meaning he’ll often scream in restaurants while other times whisper as a train approaches. And when talking loud, he also tends to lengthen each word, riding out the vowels for seconds at a time and at a rather high tone. They used to see him a lot when they were younger, but the year Darren started middle school, Eli’s family moved to Boston.

  A couple of months before Darren’s bar mitzvah, Nate started yelling for him from his room. Darren hurried down the hallway and found Nate sitting in front of his computer.

  “Oh my God,” Nate said.

  “What?” Darren asked.

  “Holy shit,” Nate said.

  “What?” Darren asked again.

  “Check this out,” Nate said, and clicked on a black-and-white YouTube clip, which looked to be from some old movie. A guy, Jerry Lewis according to Nate, was sort of talking and singing about, of all things, enchiladas.

  “What the—?” Darren started to ask.

  “Shh, just listen,” Nate commanded, and moved it back a few seconds.

  And then Darren got it. “Dude,” Darren said.

  Jerry Lewis, decades prior to their cousin’s birth, appeared to have perfected an imitation of Eli. Needless to say, the Jacobs brothers spent more than a few minutes watching this clip over the next couple months.

  Eli and his family arrived on the Thursday before Darren’s bar mitzvah in order to have an evening alone with Darren’s family. After dinner, Nate and Darren, under some pressure from their parents, invited Eli upstairs so the adults could talk downstairs. Hugely excited by this plan, Eli raced upstairs, well ahead of his cousins. As Eli neared the top of the stairs, Nate sang out, quite loudly, “Enchiladas! I don’t know. Enchiladas! Oh, hello.”

  Eli froze and turned around.

  Nate and Darren just smiled, while Eli screamed, much as Jerry Lewis would have, “What? Wha-at? Whaaaaaat?!”

  The Jacobs brothers stood silently at the bottom of the stairs for a few seconds, until Eli turned around and continued toward his younger cousin’s room.

  3. Three years ago the Jacobs took what would turn out to be their last major family trip (a cruise in the Caribbean, which was pretty cool overall). Their mom, because it was the kind of thing almost all the women seemed to be doing, decided to get cornrows at their stop in Jamaica (while Nate and Darren went snorkeling). Snorkeling took much longer than getting cornrows, so their mom was already lying in the sun when the boys returned from their time in the water.

  Nate and Darren, both dripping wet, stopped simultaneously about eight feet from her towel. And stood there speechless, staring at the rows of hair and pale scalp now on display. The shape of their mother’s head surprised him. After about ten seconds she somehow sensed their presence and opened her eyes. Actually, she only opened her right eye, because of how bright the sun was.

  Just then their dad, holding a purple, umbrella-decorated blended drink in each hand, walked up to them.

  “Pretty cool, huh?” he asked.

  The boys said nothing.

  Their mom undid her braids prior to dinner that evening, but not before giving her sons a lecture on manners.

  4. In a parking lot in Ann Arbor, on an overcast afternoon in late April of this year, just as a Superbus is pulling away, the Jacobs brothers finish greeting each other and turn to face Zoey Lovell, who stands a couple of car lengths away and almost appears to be hugging herself, while looking down and to the side, a cigarette burning slow and steady in her right hand.

  “Nate,” Darren says, “that’s Zoey. Zoey, this is my brother, Nate.”

  “Greetings, Ms. Lovell,” Nate says.

  Zoey appears to scratch her upper arm.

  7 Reasons Darren Concludes That He Is, in Fact, a Stud, or at Least Much Cooler Than He Usually Considers Himself to Be

  1. He’s about to get into a black BMW 325i, because Nate’s roommate, Kyle, let Nate take his car to go pick them up.

  2. He got to Ann Arbor all by himself.

  3. And with some help from Zoey Lovell.

  4. Who for some reason decided to join him.

  5. And he didn’t even bring a change of clothes.

  6. And neither did she.

  7. Plus Nate has a beard, which is pretty patchy, but still.

  8 Quintessential College Scenes Darren Observes from Inside Kyle’s Black BMW 325i, Which Also Smells like Some Sort of Italian Spice, as They Drive across Campus toward Nate and Kyle’s Apartment

  1. A huge guy in sweats walking across an empty field, with a sports bag hanging off one of his massive shoulders

  2. Two girls with giant backpacks walking down a sidewalk, talking excitedly and using their hands a lot

  3. Three guys tossing a football back and forth in front of an oversize frat house

  4. A nice steady stream of people walking up and down the stairs of a huge, old gray stone building (with columns and everything)

  5. Four or five students gathered around what has to be a professor, since the guy’s old and holding a few books

  6. A skinny dude with glasses and a thick beard sitting cross-legged at the base of a tree and reading a book

  7. A packed coffee house (not Starbucks) where every table is taken up with books, laptops, and mugs

  8. A half-dozen housemates sitting on crappy lawn furniture set up on the roof of the awesome wooden porch of their massive Victorian

  5 Comments Nate Makes during the Drive That Are Funny but Also Make Darren a Little Uncomfortable, Especially the Ones That Have Anything to Do with Zoey, Who Darren Can’t Believe He Actually Forgot about Entirely for a Few Minutes, but She’s Sitting Silently in the Back, and during the First Part of the Ride Nate Played the Fourth-Best Song of All Time Really Loud on Kyle’s Insanely Good Car Stereo, Plus Darren Is in Ann Arbor with Nate but without Either of Their Parents, Holy Crap

  1. Hey Darren, guess what? Your dad’s totally gay.

  2. Zoey, congratulations on winning the first annual “Run Away to Ann Arbor with Darren Jacobs” contest. With so much competition, you must be beside yourself with excitement.

  3. Seeing how the two of you have no clothes, and seeing how my little brother is now bigger than me, and seeing how Zoey is a female, we probably should do some shopping. I was thinking this is a pretty good excuse to pick yourselves up a trademark Michigan sweatshirt, though I can’t promise they make them in black, Ms. Lovell.

  4. We’re still finalizing the weekend’s activities. Let me know what you think: Get wasted and puke and then lose your virginity, or the other way around? Any preference on that one, kids?

  5. Zoey, not that we’re anything but tickled to be hosting you this weekend, but I would be interested in hearing what your parents think about any of this. I guess I just want to know when to expect the police to show up.

  17 Inhabitants of Nate and Kyle’s Refrigerator, Which Darren Opens Up, Partially Because He’s Pretty Hungry

  1. Three carry-out containers, contents unclear

  2. A quarter loaf of white bread

  3. Four bottles of Miller Genuine Draft and one bottle of Natural Light

  4. Seven individually wrapped slices of American cheese

  5. Blue-lidded translucent Tupperware, about the size of a fast-food hamburger, contents unclear

  6. A carrot, wilting

  7. A pink Styrofoam carton of eggs

  8. Half an onion, mostly covered in Saran wrap

  9. Approximately one-third stick of butter, half covered by its mangled silver wrapper

  10. Plochman’s mustard

  11. Skippy peanut butter, crunchy

  12. Heinz ketchup

  13. Smucker’s concord grape jelly

  14. Hershey’s syrup

  15. Seven AA batteries

  16. A quart of orange juice, one-third full

  17. A half gallon of organic 2 pe
rcent milk, two-thirds full

  5 People Nate and Darren Briefly Discuss in the Kitchen While Zoey Checks Out Kyle’s Records in the Other Room

  1. THEIR DAD

  Nate sits on the kitchen counter while Darren makes himself a PB&J sandwich and keeps an eye on Zoey.

  “Hey,” Darren says after licking the knife, “I played a sick bass solo last night at the concert. It was crazy. You should have been there.”

  “Gaydad said it was pimporiffic.”

  “No he didn’t.”

  Nate opens a nearby cabinet, removes a glass, and gets some water from the sink. “My Stats exam was not pretty.”

  Darren takes two and a half bites before he bothers to start chewing.

  “So, like, have you and Gaydad talked about the whole thing since he dropped the gay bomb on you?”

  “Stop it.”

  “What?”

  “The ‘gay’ everything.”

  “Why? Because it’s gay?”

  “Ha-ha.”

  “Have you?”

  “What?”

  “Talked about it with him?”

  Darren drinks some milk. “A little.”

  “I can’t fucking believe he told you first. Like he couldn’t have guessed you’d tell me right away. I’m sorry, but that’s some gay shit right there.”

  2. MAGGIE BLOCK

  Darren walks right up to where Nate is sitting. “Hey,” he whispers. “Do you remember Maggie Block?”

  Nate, with an expression of mild displeasure, says, “Yeah.”

  “I made out with her after the concert.”

  Nate says, “Nice,” and offers his palm for a hand slap. Darren slaps it. “Any boob action?”

  “Yeah,” Darren says, half smiling. “But only for a few seconds.”

  “How big?”

  “About like this,” Darren says, placing one of his curled-up hands over the other.

  “Right on.”

  Darren finishes off the sandwich.

  3. THEIR MOM

  “Hey,” Darren says. “Did Mom call you or anything?”

  “Yeah,” Nate says, “but we only talked for a couple minutes. Miss California had an urgent meeting to attend.”

  “What’d she say?”

  “You know”—Nate takes a long drink—“all her typical bullshit: you’re the adult, don’t do anything stupid, promise you’ll let me know if you think anything is seriously wrong.”

  4. KYLE

  “Hey,” Darren says. “Where’s Kyle?”

  “Picking up some stuff from this guy across campus. Should be back soon.”

  5. ZOEY

  Nate softly kicks Darren, who was checking out Zoey in the next room, right below the ribs. “So what’s up with Lady Darkness? You into her or something?”

  “I kind of like her,” Darren whispers. “I don’t know. What do you think?”

  “I think she’s half-freak, half-show. All freak show. But that could be okay for a little while.”

  “She’s a really good driver,” Darren says. “I swear. I mean, it’s weird how good of a driver she is.”

  “Sweet. Hopefully there’s an as-yet-undiscovered correlation between driving and BJ skills.”

  Darren blushes. “Hey, so, like, what are we going to do tonight and stuff?”

  “I got some ideas, we’ll see,” Nate says, and hops down from the counter. “Ann Arbor is our oyster, you oversized vegetarian pussy.”

  “I eat seafood, dickwad.”

  3 Characters Kyle Could Convincingly Dress Up as with the Proper Costume/Makeup/Facial Hair

  1. Mario (of Nintendo fame)

  2. Bluto (from “Popeye”)

  3. Ralph (from Wreck-It Ralph)

  6 Minutes That Pass After Kyle’s Arrival Until a Bong Is Taken Out

  1. 5:52

  2. 5:53

  3. 5:54

  4. 5:55

  5. 5:56

  6. 5:57

  14 Seemingly Random and Possibly Meaningless Sayings Kyle and Nate Begin Tossing Back and Forth around 5:54, the Gist of Which Is Pretty Clear by 5:58

  1. Shall we take it to another level, Mr. Jacobs?

  2. Friday, Friday, got to get down on Friday.

  3. I believe the time has come.

  4. This time it’s personal.

  5. Do you think they’d like to say hello to our little friend?

  6. I’m personally quite eager to thank the Academy.

  7. We’d best mobilize our forces.

  8. Or flirt with disaster.

  9. We could just settle down for the evening.

  10. As long as you show me how you really feel.

  11. Is your seat belt securely fastened?

  12. My tray table is in an upright and locked position.

  13. We’ve been cleared for takeoff.

  14. Time to renew our pledge.

  1 Inhabitant of the Refrigerator Whose Contents Are Now Quite Clear

  1. Blue-lidded translucent Tupperware, about the size of a fast-food hamburger

  6 Drugs and the People Darren Associates Them With

  1. METHYLIN AND CONNOR DAVIDSON

  Connor was Darren’s best friend for most of second and part of third grade, a friendship facilitated by Connor’s family moving in two houses down from the Jacobs’ house during the summer before second grade. Connor was a pretty crazy kid, but funny and kind too. In fact, he was great at sharing his toys. But he did have a lot of trouble at school, especially during the second half of second grade, by which time their teacher (Ms. Barelli) had decided and more or less announced to the entire class that Connor was no longer really the “new kid” and thus should no longer expect special treatment for his unacceptable behavior.

  Connor sort of disappeared for most of that summer, and when Darren saw him again just a week before school was supposed to start, Connor seemed pretty different. Slower more than anything. Plus he didn’t seem to want to eat much. They wound up having different teachers for third grade (though their classes got together for reading), and then Connor’s family moved again over winter break.

  Darren sort of remembers asking his mom back then about what exactly happened to Connor, and Connor may have even told Darren himself, but it was only a few years later (he and his mom were looking through old pictures on her computer and saw a photo of Connor) that Darren finally got the full story about Connor’s ADHD and his meds. Darren’s mom had, to her almost-instant regret, befriended Connor’s mom as well, a needy woman who told Darren’s mom much more than she cared to know about her marriage and her children.

  2. NITROUS OXIDE AND CRYSTAL OR CANDICE

  During a routine checkup in fourth grade, two cavities were discovered in Darren’s teeth. The following week his father brought him back to Dr. Mauer’s office, where Crystal or Candice, one of Dr. Mauer’s dental hygienists, informed Darren, as she tilted backward the elaborate chair in which he was sitting, that he’d be receiving laughing gas.

  Crystal or Candice, blond, rail-thin, and pretty (but only at first glance), placed a ring of rubber tubing around Darren’s head and rested some sort of inhaler over his nose. She seemed kind of distracted up to the moment her eyes noticed Darren’s, which were, despite the word “laughing,” not at all amused by what was about to happen.

  So she stopped (stopped setting up her work station, stopped humming some song to herself, stopped chatting with a coworker on the other side of the nearby partition) and smiled at Darren. She addressed him as “honey,” told him he had nothing to worry about, and then, possibly as part of her effort to adjust the inhaler, ran the back of her fingers down one of his cheeks. Darren was instructed to close his eyes, breathe deeply, and think about something that makes him happy. So he did, thinking about Crystal or Candice’s fingers on his cheeks.

  3. PINOT NOIR AND HIS PARENTS

  Darren’s parents were never big drinkers. But around the middle of eighth grade, Darren began noticing a lot more wine bottles in the kitchen, dining room, and den (he
even saw bottles a couple times in their bedroom).

  His parents didn’t make a big deal about it, and truthfully they still didn’t drink all that much. In fact, he saw a lot of bottles, around a third full, being poured down the kitchen sink, because they weren’t good anymore. But for whatever reason, his parents pretty much only drank a kind of red wine called Pinot Noir, to the point that they would often ask one another, “Hey, you want some Pinot?”

  In the fall of ninth grade, the two of them started talking seriously about his dad joining his mom on one of her business trips so they could take a vacation up to wine country afterward. But it never happened, because they wound up getting divorced instead.

  4. BEER AND BO GRIFFIN

  Bo and Bugs were sort of friends, even though Bo is kind of an idiot when you get right down to it. Still, he convinced Bugs and Darren to come over one Saturday about two years ago, because Bo’s parents were out of town and his older sister, Ashley, told him she didn’t “give a care” what he did as long as he left her alone and stayed out of her room, where she and her boyfriend, Blake Haines, were going to be (having sex, probably).

  Somehow Bo got his hands on four beers, which he had set out on the kitchen table, along with three short White Sox glasses. Bo told them they were going to play a game called “quarter-bounce,” which involves trying to bounce a quarter off the table and into a beer-filled glass. If you get it in, you pick someone else and that guy has to drink the entire glass.

  At first Bugs and Darren were kind of excited, but it took about ten minutes before anyone could get a quarter to go in. Plus the beer tasted, as Bugs put it, “like rooster piss.” Still, Bo really, really wanted to play, so he told them he’d drink whenever anyone got the quarter in. By this point Bugs and Darren just wanted to leave, but they both felt kind of bad for Bo, who they could tell thought this night was going to be the best ever. They kept playing until Bo was totally drunk. For a while it looked like he was going to puke, because he kept burping, closing his eyes, and sort of tucking his chin down. But all he did was fall asleep on the floor in front of the TV, so, during a commercial, Bugs and Darren just let themselves out and ran back to Bugs’s place.