by Lacey Silks
“Nah, I could have… could have… Jesus, move!”
But she didn’t. I rolled to the side, felt a squeeze in my stomach, and threw up right in Molly’s lap. Apparently, I had forgotten the Don’t eat before riding part of instructions because my stomach swirled and emptied all the partially digested chicken wing meat right onto her awaiting thighs.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, wiping the vomit-infused spit on my sleeve.
“It’s okay, Carter. How are you feeling?”
“Dizzy?”
She giggled. Even with the insides of my stomach decorating her lap, she looked like the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. “Did I win?”
“Win?”
“Yeah, a date with you.”
“Yeah, you did win.” She smiled. It was only later that I realized there was a counter on the wall above the bar displaying my measly thirty-eight seconds I’d lasted on the bull.
One of the waitresses had a spare pair of leggings which she lent to Molly. I cleaned up as well and came out of the bathroom to meet her.
“I’m really, really sorry, Molly. This was not the way I envisioned today.”
“Carter, sit down for a moment.” She swiveled a bar stool, and I plopped down. The apologetic tone of her voice stole my hope of any future dates.
“All right.”
“What did you envision for today, exactly?”
“Honest?”
“I think we’ve been friends long enough to do honest.”
“I wanted to take you out to dinner, for an official date.”
“That’s what I thought. You see, I don’t date.”
“Anyone?”
“Not right now, and not in the foreseeable future.”
“Is it me?”
“No, it’s not.”
Somehow I believed her.
“I’m not ready to date. I’m not sure I ever will be, but I want your friendship. In fact, I need it more than anything.”
I could do friendship during the day and dream about peeling those scrubs off her body at night.
“Does that friendship include benefits?”
“What do you think?”
“Yeah, I guess not.”
“And it doesn’t have an expiration date. I mean that.”
I could deal with that. I could definitely wait until Molly was ready, even if it meant years. I drove her home that afternoon, feeling a twitch in my chest I hadn’t felt in a long time. Even though I’d been dealt the friend card, it was the best card I could have chosen from the entire deck.
MOLLY, AGE 20
Carter was the first person to knock on my door since I’d arrived in Hope Bay. I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly before he even uttered a word.
“Hey, stranger,” I said. “It’s been too long.”
“Way too long if you ask me. When did you get back?”
“Three days ago. My mother convinced me to help out Doctor Burke over the summer. It’s good experience for me as well.”
I skipped the part where she’d told me that Father was away on work for the summer. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have set my foot anywhere near Hope Bay.
“I’m glad you’re here. Are you ready?” he asked.
It was Mackenzie’s first birthday today, and I couldn’t wait to see my goddaughter. I grabbed my purse and headed out the door. Jo’s house was only a ten-minute walk from the office, so like every other place in Hope Bay, easy walking distance.
Despite it being May, summer weather had already blessed us. Flowers were blooming and birds were chirping. I didn’t remember the last time I’d felt this much peace and warmth.
“I still can’t believe you delivered her,” I said. I wasn’t sure whether Carter realized just how amazing he was. A year ago, he’d delivered Jo’s baby right underneath a tree near Mrs. Gladstone’s farm, and from what Doctor Burke had told me, he did a fine job.
“Me neither. It was fast and bloody.”
“And you didn’t faint? I may need to call you when someone’s water breaks in the office.” I laughed, though I was partially serious. “Are you working at the firehouse yet?”
“No, still taking my time. It was part of Daisy’s dream as well, and I’m not quite ready to take that step. But soon.”
Carter had been grieving for two years now. And even though he seemed all right for the most part, I knew that getting over his first love and his unborn baby’s death would take time.
“I know you can do it, Carter. You’re one of the strongest men I know.”
His cheeks flushed, and he gave me a sexy, lopsided smile.
“Thanks, Molly.”
“What did you get her?” I asked, seeing how he was holding a huge gift bag.
“A cow. Not a real one.” He chuckled nervously. The crush he’d had on me apparently hadn’t passed yet, which was okay, so long as we could remain friends. “Since she was born the same day as Tank, Mac loves cows. I want to take her for a ride today, if Jo lets me.”
“Ha! You’re going to have to get her drunk first. I don’t think she’ll ever let that baby go.”
“No way! I’m an uncle now. I have rights. Besides, Mac loves me.”
I bet she did. From what I heard, the little girl was smitten with Carter, as any other little girl would have been. I’d seen a lot of babies at the hospital, but none of them embodied as much cuteness as Jo’s daughter. I’d often wondered whether their friendly relationship confused their little girl, and if she looked to Carter as if he were her father. Nick, Jo’s boyfriend, was in the Navy on a secret assignment, and she hadn’t been able to get in touch with him since the day she found out she was pregnant. He was supposed to return in the next couple of months.
Half a mile away from Jo’s house, we ran into Jo’s father, who was pushing a stroller down the road.
“Is that my niece in there?” Carter almost tripped over his feet trying to get to Mac that much faster.
“It is. She’s still sleeping. Jo’s resting inside.”
“Can we take her for a walk?” I asked. “It’ll give Jo a bit more time to rest.”
“Sure. There are snacks packed in her diaper bag.”
“Wait… diapers?” Carter looked nervous, and I couldn’t help but smile. He didn’t even know how adorable he looked, frightened by a tiny dirty diaper.
“You delivered her and you’re afraid to change a diaper?” I laughed. “Don’t worry, Mr. Kagen, I’ll change her if there’s a need.”
“Good, because me and baby poop, well, we don’t mix well. I get a gag reflex, and I think I’ve done enough vomiting on you, Molly.”
Mr. Kagen’s brows narrowed in question, but the moment passed, and he waved his hand, dismissing Carter’s comment. “I have a feeling I don’t want to know. Why don’t we meet up by Mrs. Gladstone’s farm? I have a couple of errands to run before heading home.”
“That’s perfect. Mac can say hello to Tank.”
I’d heard that Carter had become close to the young bull that had been calved the same day Mackenzie was born. Apparently, Tank had become one of her favorite animals to pet.
We walked side by side as Mackenzie slept; that is, until we reached Mrs. Gladstone’s farm gate and Tank let out a loud moo. Mackenzie shot up in her stroller, eyes wide open, screaming “Tank!” It was one of the few words she knew.
“Tank, Tank, Tank.” She pointed, her gaze flying from Carter to Tank and back. She gave me a questioning look, probably wondering who I was. She’d seen me before, but I guessed a three-month-old baby wouldn’t remember being christened.
“Yes, it’s Tank. Wanna pet him?” Carter asked, and she stretched her hands to be picked up.
Jesus, was there a sexier sight than a handsome man with a young toddler? My heart was beating so fast, I could barely take it all in. A slight pinch shocked me in my lower stomach, as if my ovaries wanted to remind me of something.
“A kiss for Uncle Carter first.” He pointed to his cheek, where she hurriedly smacked her h
eart-shaped lips.
Swoon.
Carter opened the gate, and we crossed onto the field. Tank was already at our side, looking for something in Carter’s pocket while Betsy, Tank’s mother, grazed along the grass, lazily making her way toward us. Carter reached into his pocket and pulled out a cupcake.
“You wanna give it to him?” he asked Mackenzie. She grasped the cupcake in her tiny hand and reached it out toward Tank’s muzzle. He swept the treat off her hand with his tongue, straight into his mouth, and Mackenzie giggled. Betsy picked up her pace, as if she could sense that Carter had another one is his pocket. He took this one out and handed it to the cow.
“She loves me,” he said with pride.
“Tank!” Mackenzie screamed.
“Yes, Tank loves you too.”
“Tank!”
“I don’t think she’ll stop until she rides him. What do you say, Mac? Wanna ride Tank?”
“Tank!”
“Carter, I’m not sure Jo would approve. It’s not safe.” I was pretty sure that Tank, being a bull, had a temper not everybody could handle.
“Well, I approve. I’m not going to let anything happen to Mac.”
He stepped up beside the young bull and, holding onto Mackenzie, patted Tank on his back. “Now you be gentle, boy. Otherwise, we’ll be having young steak for dinner.”
“That’s cruel,” I laughed.
Carter turned around, whispering, “It’s an empty threat.”
My sides were aching from laughter.
Carter held onto Mackenzie, who couldn’t stop giggling, as he walked beside Tank. He was so good with her. His arms bunched up, all flexed as he bent them to keep his good grip. As we ventured further out onto the field, I had to concentrate more not to step in one of the cow pies. I noted that Carter was having trouble avoiding them as well and jumped over a few near misses.
“So, will I finally get my dinner date this summer?” he asked.
“That depends. It looks to me like I have some competition here.”
“You’re gorgeous and all, Molly, but yeah, I’m afraid this little one will hold onto my heart forever.”
“You’re going to be a great father one day, Carter.”
He stopped for a moment, and so did Tank. His smile faded, and I covered my mouth with my hand right after whispering, “I’m sorry.” I wasn’t sure whether he heard me. How dumb could I have been to remind him that he could have had a little boy or a little girl already, who would have probably been as cute as Mackenzie?
“It’s okay, Molly. Really. I won’t ever forget, but it’s not always easy realizing what you’re missing out on.”
“I don’t want you sad.”
“I’m not.”
“Carter—”
“Seriously. I mean it.”
I walked up closer so that he could hear me better. “When I’m having a rough time, I look at what’s in front of me. I can’t change the past, but I sure as heck can change the future. Look at what’s right in front of you, Carter, not what’s behind you.”
He took in a deep breath before releasing a sultry, “I am.”
My knees felt weak and my heart was testing how many beats it could fit in a minute. I couldn’t concentrate on Tank, this farm, the fact that I was back in the town I’d vowed not to return to, because my mind was spinning. What if I could heal him? What if one day I could be brave enough to hold Carter’s hand as if he were my man? What if he could heal me?
“Looks like my granddaughter is having fun. Way to go, Tank!” Mr. Kagen called out over the fence, taking me out of my dream state. At the sound of his name, Tank picked up his pace again, only Carter hadn’t been expecting a jog. Before I could react, Carter was running beside the bull when he slipped on one of the cow pies, catching Mackenzie mid-air as she slid off Tank. I saw this happen in slow motion as Mackenzie’s arms flew around Carter’s neck and he adjusted his fall so that she wouldn’t get hurt. She snuggled into his arms, wiggling her nose at the sudden smell of cow manure, which was smeared over Carter’s jeans from the bottom all the way up to the top.
“Oh, Tank! What did you do?” he complained.
I couldn’t stop laughing as I made my way toward the pair. Mackenzie reached her hands up to me, making a face of pure disgust at the smell. I couldn’t blame her because breathing wasn’t even possible.
“We’ll be waiting by the stroller, Carter.”
I took my goddaughter toward Mr. Kagen, whose initial concern faded as soon as his granddaughter was safe in the stroller. Carter finally walked up to us, bringing along a stench that was difficult to stomach.
“I’m sorry. I think I might have scared Tank.”
“What is it with me and bodily fluids?” Carter grumbled under his nose. “I’m going to have to change before we visit Jo.”
“She’s still sleeping,” Mr. Kagen said. “And I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t let you anywhere near the house in those jeans. Sorry, Carter.”
“It’s all right. We’ll drop by in an hour?”
“Sounds good.”
Mr. Kagen began whistling a song as he pushed the stroller along the road.
“Do you mind heading back to my house?” Carter asked me. “It’s just around the bend.”
“No, of course not.”
When we reached Carter’s house, I took in the tufts of beautiful daisies dominating the blooms in the front garden, and my heart squished.
“Jo planted them,” Carter explained. “She’s been a good friend.”
“They’re beautiful.”
I followed him inside the cute house with a front porch. “Don’t mind the furniture. It came with the house, and since I’m not working full time yet, that’s a good thing.”
“Were you always planning to live in the seventies?” I teased.
“I’m all about disco, baby.”
I cringed, recalling how my father used to refer to me by the nickname.
“What did I say?”
“Nothing.” I shook my head. “Are you going to change or let the smell spread?”
“One day, someone up there will finally have mercy on me.” He pointed to the ceiling, but I was pretty sure he meant heaven. “I’ll be back in a sec.”
As Carter went upstairs to change, I stepped from one foot to the other, then ventured through the kitchen toward the backyard with hope of finding a bathroom. When I didn’t, I stepped on the first stair and called up, “Is there a bathroom downstairs?”
“No, but there are two up here. Feel free to use the other one.”
“Sure.”
Feeling the pressure in my bladder reaching the limits, I ran up the steps and opened the first door.
Bedroom.
I pushed the door across the hall open and gasped. There he was, standing in the bathtub in his naked glory, drying his hair. Water was dripping down his torso, over muscle hills and carved valleys, down a beautiful v-path… and lower. Oh, my!
“You know it’s not polite to stare.”
I jumped up at his words.
Oh, my God!
This wasn’t happening. Carter, my good friend, had just caught me drooling over his perfectly toned body.
How embarrassing.
“I’m so sorry. I thought you were further down the hall. I’m sorry. I’ll leave.” I began turning.
“Wait – the other toilet’s broken.” He was holding his towel so that it partially covered his abs and draped down over his crotch. His strong legs were still visible, and oh so sexy.
“Carter, I gotta pee.”
“Go ahead, Molly. I’m not stopping you.”
“Well, turn around, at least.”
With a smug smile on his face, he finally turned, giving me a long, perfect view of his hard ass before he wrapped the towel around his waist. Shy was definitely not part of Carter’s vocabulary. But mouth-watering was. Oh, indeed, it was.
On a normal day, I would have found peeing in front of my friend alarming, but today, I had no choic
e. It was either do it or soil my panties. I quickly wiped myself and washed my hands before leaving the bathroom, nearly tripping over my own feet.
Friend. He’s a friend, and you’re not ready, I kept repeating in my mind. And neither is he.
Those daisies in the front yard had to remind him of Daisy.
School.
I had to graduate and become a self-sufficient woman who could support herself and didn’t need a man to rely on before I made any life-altering decisions.
When Carter came downstairs, I could barely look him in the eye. I was sitting on an arm chair. He came closer and crouched in front of me, sighing.
“I’m sorry, Molly. I didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable.”
“No, it’s fine.” I crossed my arms over my chest.
“What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing.”
“It’s not nothing. Talk to me. I may not be shy, but I’m still your friend.”
“Carter, I know what flirting looks like. If you’re my friend, you’ll stop.”
“That’s impossible, Molly.”
“Why?”
“Because I like you. I like you a lot, Molly.”
“Then I’m afraid we can’t do this friend thing very well.”
“Molly, don’t—”
“I mean it. I don’t need distractions right now. I can’t handle a relationship. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to.”
I wasn’t ready, and neither was he. He didn’t see the signs that I did: the daisies, and the way he was with Mackenzie. He missed Daisy and their baby. He wanted a life from the past, and I couldn’t go back. I could never look back at what could have been, because it would drive me insane. It would drive me to cut myself again, so I could drain life out of my wrists.
After a moment of silence, he finally said, “If I can only have a friend in you, I’ll take it, because I cannot imagine not having you in my life at all.”
So that’s what we became: summer friends. I studied during the year and came back for the summer to watch Mackenzie and work at Doctor Burke’s office. Our happiness wouldn’t last long, though, because our best friend was about to have her heart broken.
CARTER, AGE 20
I stared at the black square box they were lowering into the ground, wondering what was inside. Normally a casket had a body, but not this one. Not Nick’s, because his body had never been found. Jo’s fiancé and Mackenzie’s father, who didn’t even know he had a child, had given his life for our freedom.