When we finally lay down on my bed, he removes my clothes between kisses dropped on my lips and body. I tug at the hem of his shirt and he lifts it and tosses it to the floor. We’ve never been completely naked at the same time. My heart rate skitters when I finally get the full skin to skin contact I’d only imagined until now.
Whether it’s because he hasn’t wanted to or because he’s read my hesitation, I’m not sure, but Heath and I haven’t had sex. We’ve done practically everything but.
The largest part of me wants to, but something inside of me still screams for me to hold back. I hate to acknowledge that something because I think it has everything to do with the way I held out on having sex with Bryan for years and then as soon as I did, he broke up with me. I get that it wasn’t the sex, and maybe I still would have slept with him even if I knew it was going to end. But the fact of the matter is, it scares me that the same thing might happen with Heath.
His dick twitches between us and heat pools at my center. There’s a lump in my throat as I find my voice. “I don’t think I’m ready. Is that okay? I mean, I want to do other stuff, just not that.”
His hands frame my face, and his blue eyes stare deeply into mine. “Of course, it’s okay.”
He savors my body in a way I’ll remember forever. Taking sex off the table only makes him more creative, and he gets a well-deserved A plus in that department.
We fall asleep still naked and I take note of a different type of anniversary—the first time you realize you’re falling for someone.
22
Heath
My mom wants to go to breakfast Saturday morning before I head to the arena. Mav is still sleeping when I get back from Ginny’s, so I’m on my own when I push through the door of the café.
She waves from a booth, her other hand wrapped around a coffee mug.
“Hey,” I say as I sit across from her. “Sorry I’m late.”
“It’s okay. You know I like to have my first cup of coffee in silence anyway.”
I smile at the reminder that something is still the same.
The waiter stops by to pour me a cup of coffee and take our order. After which, I lean back in the booth. “Kevin isn’t joining us?”
“No. Just the two of us.” Her smile is warm and genuine as she studies me. “I’ve missed you.”
There’s an uneasy ache in my chest as the sincerity of her words hit me. Maybe our bond wasn’t always the healthiest—me taking care of her more than the other way around, but in some ways, it’s good to know I’m still missed, if not needed.
I spent the first year of college trying not to fuck up. If I’m honest, I didn’t even want to come to college. I mean, I did. Of course, I did. College is fucking awesome. But I was so scared. My mom was barely hanging on by a thread after my dad died. I’d lost one parent and the panic was real that I’d leave and the other one would disappear without me watching over her like I’d done for the past four years.
I was the one who made her smile when no one else could. The person she relied on to remember things like paying the electricity bill and mowing the grass.
And I wasn’t perfect. I found a release for my teenage angst with other things. Fast cars, easy chicks, occasionally getting high. But I did my best to never bring any more burdens inside the four walls that were already crashing in on us.
So imagine my surprise when I go away to college and nearly give myself a fucking ulcer with worry only to return home this past summer and see she’s fine.
No, not just fine. Fine is the word she used when she was wearing last week’s clothes lying on the couch and staring at the TV in a comatose state. She wasn’t fine. She was good. She didn’t need me to walk around the house singing Disney songs or brush her hair while we watched Friends on repeat.
I should be happy that she is doing well. I am happy. I’m just also bitter. Where was this woman when I needed her to hold me and tell me everything was going to be okay?
It isn’t fair. I know that. There’s no right way to mourn, and my dad’s death rocked us all to the core.
You don’t get to tell people how to feel. Fuck. You don’t even get to tell yourself how to feel. It’s a real bitch of the human condition to be in control of everything and also nothing.
“Is everything going okay? You look good.”
“I am.” She reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. I can’t bring myself to return the gesture. Her fingers linger and each second that passes feels like an eternity. I don’t know why I can’t just accept and enjoy her company.
She gives me one last squeeze and then pulls back. “You looked good on the ice last night, too. I still can’t believe how talented you and your brother both turned out. I can barely walk a straight line. You got your athleticism from your father. He would be so proud.”
“Can we not?”
She flinches and I wince.
Dammit. Why can’t I just sit here and let her talk about him? Partly it’s because I’m afraid that conversation leads to me telling her how bitter I feel. And what good would that do? She’s finally on her feet and I knock her down with memories of how she hurt me when she was drowning? No way.
“Can we talk about something else?” I try again.
She nods. “Sure.”
We suffer through breakfast talking about stupid shit like the weather and repairs she’s having done on the house back in Michigan. My mood sours with each bite, and I’m all too eager to head to the arena when it’s time.
Adam walks in just after I do. “Hey, man. Where were you this morning?”
“I’m sorry. Did I need to check in before I left?”
His brows raise.
“Shit, I’m sorry. I’m in an awful mood. Had breakfast with my mom this morning.”
He nods and takes a seat on the bench, setting his bag on the floor. “Are you two not close?”
“We are… we were. I don’t know. When my dad passed away shit was fucked up for a while.”
“Sorry, man. I can’t imagine what it’d be like if something happened to my parents. Anything I can do to help?”
“Nah. I just need to get on the ice.”
One side of his mouth pulls up into a smile. “All right.”
After the best game of my life (apparently bitter frustration works well for me), I find my mom waiting for me outside of the locker room with some of the other families, including the Scotts. Ginny smiles and approaches me.
“That was incredible. Congratulations.” She hugs me, taking me by surprise given all the onlookers, but it feels too nice to pull away.
“Thanks. Hopefully not the last time I get a hat trick.” Then I lean down close to her ear. “Maybe we can celebrate with a hat trick of our own.”
She blushes and pulls back. I accept a hug from my mom and a handshake from Kevin and from Mr. Scott.
“We should celebrate.” Adam claps me on the shoulder. “What do you feel like doing?”
Your sister.
Mav steps up, his bag slung over his body. “Party at our place. Invite the ’rents. Let’s get weird.”
“I think we’ll pass. Let you guys celebrate on your own.” Mr. Scott wraps an arm around his wife, who nods her agreement. “We have reservations for dinner.” She looks to my mom and Kevin. “Would you like to join us?”
“I think that sounds great,” Kevin says. “What do you say, Lana?”
More of the parents make plans and the guys start heading out.
Ginny’s still standing by my side, and I have the strongest urge to grab her hand.
“I’m going to find Reagan and Dakota. See you later?”
“Ride over with me.”
“But?” She glances around. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, no one will notice or care. Just give me a couple minutes to say goodbye to my mom.”
“Okay.”
My mom walks over to us before I get the chance to go to her.
Ginny smiles at her and then me. “See ya.”
/>
Mom watches her leave, only speaking once we’re alone. A sad expression on her face as she lowers her voice. “I should have come alone and not brought Kevin. I wanted you to meet him to see that I’m happy. I thought it would give you some peace, but I see now that was my own selfish reasoning and I’m sorry. This isn’t how I wanted this weekend to go.”
“It isn’t Kevin. It’s us. I don’t know how to do this with you.” I motion between us. “Everything is so different.”
“I know. But I still love you just the same. I’m so proud of you.”
Love. I hate that damn word. Why does it always feel like it’s an excuse? When she says it, all I hear is, I love you, so it’s okay that I screwed up.
“Thanks, Mom. I am glad you came.”
Kevin steps up behind her. “Nice game, Heath.”
“Thanks.”
The hall has cleared, and we start toward the door. Mom hugs me tightly before we head our separate ways. “Be safe.”
I hug her back. She’s heavier now, no longer the small, fragile thing she once was. “I will. I’ll call next week.”
She nods and smiles, maybe a little disbelieving that I really will.
Ginny leans against my vehicle, her phone in hand. It’s dark and she’s all alone and I feel like an ass for making her wait for me out here like this.
I hit the unlock button and she looks up, those light brown eyes meeting mine under the fluorescent parking lot lights. Instead of going to the driver’s side, I go to her, kissing her hard out in the open where anyone might see us.
She doesn’t seem to care either, though, because she wraps her arms around my neck and presses her body to mine. And it’s the best damn part of the day. Well… unless she lets me hat trick her later.
23
Ginny
The following weekend the guys are gone for two away games. I sit on the floor in Reagan and Dakota’s apartment. Reagan brings two bags of chips and a platter of dips and sets it down between me and Dakota.
Dakota stands. “I’m going to grab the bottle of wine so I don’t have to get up again. You’re staying over, right?” she asks.
“Yeah, might as well. Ava’s out of town visiting Trent,” I say before digging into the queso.
She grabs the wine and we all settle in.
“Does Heath stay with you then on the weekends or are you two getting it on with your brother on the other side of the wall?” Dakota asks.
I make a face and toss a chip at her. “Gross, and Adam isn’t on the other side of the wall, thankfully. Maverick is always hanging in the living room, though, and sometimes has girls with him. I have no idea why he doesn’t go to his own place.”
Reagan scrunches up her nose.
“Yeah. I’ve heard entirely too much of his sex talk for my liking.”
“Dirty talk? Maverick?” Dakota asks. “That surprises me for some reason.”
“Not dirty exactly. And I think he might be talking to himself.” I make a face. “He’s a weird dude.”
“Come on, give us something. Anything. We’re dying for details. You’ve barely said anything about this new hot thing between you and Heath.” Dakota pulls her red hair over one shoulder.
I look between my friend’s eager faces. “There’s not much to tell.”
“I don’t buy it,” Reagan says. “You two looked like you were gonna rip each other’s clothes off playing video games last night.”
“Some clothes have been ripped off, but we haven’t had sex yet.”
“Interesting.”
She says it like “interesting” means bad or weird. Is it? We’re making out every chance we get. He’s given me more orgasms fully clothed than I would have thought possible. Technically we haven’t slept together yet, but it’s been fun and hot. None of it seemed odd before, but now I’m nervous that maybe he thinks it’s weird too.
“Is that bad? Should I be worried?”
“Sounds sweet,” Reagan says.
Dakota takes a sip of her wine. “Sounds very unlike Heath.”
“Dakota,” Reagan says in a shrill voice.
“What?” She looks to me. “You know he’s not some innocent guy, right? I mean, I wouldn’t call Heath a slut because I’m not into label shaming, buuut… he’s not been shy about hooking up with chicks. And by hooking up, I mean sex.”
“No, I know.”
Reagan places a hand on my knee and squeezes. “But he hasn’t dated anyone else as far as I know.”
“When did dating become more romantic than sex?” I ask and then, “If I tell you guys something, will you promise not to laugh?”
“Yes,” Reagan says at the same time Dakota says, “No way.”
“Kota,” Reagan admonishes.
“What? If it’s funny, I won’t be able to hold back. I will try.”
“Good enough, I guess.” I take a drink of the wine. “My last boyfriend, Bryan, broke up with me after.”
“After?”
“After we’d had sex. Like still inside of me.”
“Oh shit.” Dakota’s eyes widen.
I hide behind my hands stretched out over my face. “Now I wished you’d just laughed.”
“Wait, wait, wait. We need the full story,” Reagan says.
So, I tell them. How Bryan and I had planned to go to Valley U together, but then he’d received an offer to play football in Boise and how he’d broken the news to me after we’d had sex for the first time.
“What an asshole.”
“He really isn’t though. It was my idea. I was ready, and I thought it would bring us closer before we headed off on this great adventure together. After, he told me he wasn’t going to Valley and that he thought it would be better if we broke up instead of trying to make it work.”
I’ve gone over that day a million times looking for cues I missed, but I was ready and excited, and I think he could have shown me a million red flags and I would have ignored them.
“Sorry, babe.” Dakota rubs my arm. “For what it’s worth, even Heath’s not that cold.”
“No, I know. And I’d had sex before Bryan. Just one other time with a guy I met at summer camp. It was right before Bryan and I started dating. Neither were great. I made Bryan wait because I wanted it to mean more than the first time. And, I think I’m doing it again with Heath. Does that make me too idealistic?”
Reagan shakes her head. “No, of course not, but holding out doesn’t mean that it will mean more… it just means you build it up to an impossible standard.”
“I hadn’t thought about it like that,” I admit.
We go through two bottles of wine and watch a movie before calling it a night.
Reagan brings me a blanket and pillow from her room. “Thank you.”
The TV is muted, but I lie down and watch Golden Girls reruns with subtitles. I’m just about asleep when my phone buzzes.
Hottest guy on campus: You awake?
Me: No
Hottest guy on campus: Me either.
Me: Don’t you have a big game tomorrow or something?
Hottest guy on campus: Maverick snores.
Me: I don’t snore, and I miss you.
Hottest guy on campus: Now I really wish you were in this hotel room with me instead.
Me: Oh yeah? Need a cuddle buddy?
Hottest guy on campus: Yeah, just don’t tell Mav – he thinks I only cuddle with him.
Me: Your secret is safe with me.
Hottest guy on campus: What’d you do tonight?
Me: Hung out with Reagan and Dakota at their place. You’ll be back tomorrow night?
Hottest guy on campus: Yeah, but it’ll be pretty late.
Me: Can I come over and stay the night?
Hottest guy on campus: You never need to ask, baby.
I smile and close my eyes. My phone buzzes with another text.
Hottest guy on campus: Hat trick?
I type out a dozen different responses trying to decide if I should go along with his playful ban
ter or take this opportunity to confide in him. He takes the decision out of my hands by sending another when I’ve been quiet too long.
Hottest guy on campus: Shit. I’m sorry. Did I freak you out?
Me: Honestly? A little maybe. I mean, I want to do all those things. A LOT. But I’m nervous too. My experiences are… limited and were just blah.
Hottest guy on campus: I find it very hard (pun intended) that any form of sex could be blah with you.
Me: That might have more to do with you than me. You’re fun and hot.
Hottest guy on campus: Right back at ya, baby doll.
24
Heath
I drop into the seat next to Rauthruss as my phone buzzes in my pocket.
“Payne, how are your ribs?” Coach Meyers stands in the aisle, hands on the seats in front of me. “That was a nasty hit.”
“Fine. Nothing’s broken.” I laugh and then wince as my side screams. I adjust the ice pack strapped around my waist.
“Try to take it easy tonight. Check in with the trainer first thing tomorrow.”
I nod and he walks off. I wait to make sure he’s not watching before leaning back with a groan. I dig my phone out, breathless by the maneuvering that’s required.
I read Ginny’s text asking me to give her a heads up so she can sneak into my room before we get home. She added three hat emojis and fuck my life… I don’t think I can even make good on that tonight.
I text her back the tongue, peach, and eggplant emojis because I’m not an idiot and I think it might be worth dying for.
Another win under our belt and it feels good, even if my body aches. I took a hard hit in the last minute of the game, and my ribs hurt like a bitch.
“You all right?” Rauthruss asks from the seat next to me.
I grunt a response as I close my eyes. Somehow that seems to make the pain lessen.
“I’m gonna video chat my girl. Cool?”
I wave my hand to let him know I don’t mind.
Secret Puck (Campus Nights Book 1) Page 14