by Jennie Jones
She held her hand up. ‘Just give me a moment.’
Josh hung his head, knowing what she was doing; willing herself not to cry. Mentally pushing her heart back into shape. He ought to take a moment too, while he had the chance to figure out what he was going to say next.
He stooped, picked up his jeans and thrust his legs into them, pulling the zipper but leaving the button undone. He breathed as deeply as the shock in his system would allow as he ran both hands over his head, pushing at his scalp in the hope it would send blood to his brain.
‘Come with me,’ he said suddenly.
She turned. Her eyes were bright but there were no tear marks on her cheeks that he could see.
‘I can’t, Josh.’
‘Why not?’
‘I thought about it briefly—’
‘Briefly?’ he asked. ‘What we have—what we just shared—it doesn’t mean more than that to you?’
‘What does it mean to you?’ she fired back, her voice still low but with a light in her eyes that told him she was affronted by his—by his stupid, foolish remark. ‘You can’t stay,’ she continued, gentler this time, ‘and I can’t leave.’
‘So we’re both being bull-headed.’
‘Isn’t that who we are?’ She took a small step towards him and Josh’s heart jumped in response. He even braced for the moment she’d fling herself into his arms so that he could apologise. So that she could say she’d made a mistake and all the angst between them would melt and they’d be back, laughing, in each other’s embrace—but she took no more than one small pace from the window.
‘We have to be true to ourselves,’ she said.
He nodded. ‘That’s what I’ve tried to do all my life.’
‘I know that, you idiot.’
He softened at the sight of her small grin. They knew each other so well. They understood what the other was trying to say. ‘Give it a try,’ he pleaded. ‘Come with me for a while. Let’s see—’
‘Josh—I need to be around to mend the hurts my father created. I want to give back where he took. And when that’s over, if people do forgive and forget, I want to make a difference here. Not for me personally, but for the people I love. For the town I love. If I can do that by generating business at the toy shop and painting a mural on a wall, then that’s my lot. I don’t want more.’
‘I could stay.’
‘No.’
‘Gem.’
‘No. Please stop this. I’m not going to coerce you into staying. We’ve made our choices, now let’s please try to live with them as best we can.’
She moved across the room, picked up her clothes, and turned to the door. With silent steps, she walked out of his future.
Josh closed his eyes and let his head fall back. He stood in front of the fireplace, hands at his sides, and berated himself for every damn thing he’d done wrong.
She was right. She knew it, and Josh knew it. He didn’t want to stay here. Hell, the only thing he’d ever known was that he wanted to leave Swallow’s Fall; get out and see beyond. It was a deeply rooted quest.
But the memory of Gem had been within him always, like a diamond he’d stolen and never returned. Hidden, even from himself, in a hole he’d dug in his heart. Of course he loved her, hadn’t stopped loving her, but he’d pushed that love away, held it down for the sake of propriety and then, after years of being apart, for the sake of each of them and for his own mental anguish.
He had always loved her, he hadn’t lied to her when he’d said it simply because she’d let him make love to her, but from the moment of that first kiss ten years ago, he’d loved her the way a man who had met his soul mate loved.
He and Gem had lived their lives apart because her father had threatened everything he held dear. Josh still held firm to his belief that it was what ought to have happened. That even if they’d become lovers, they’d still have separated, both needing the different experiences the world offered, so that they could come together again as whole human beings.
But he’d come back too late. Their experiences had changed each of them too much. What might have been could never be.
He forced himself to turn and put the fireguard on the hearth. He threw the cushions back onto the overstuffed sofa, picked up the blanket, folded it and put it on the arm. He didn’t want Gemma to have to look at the remnants of their love-making and their final end in the morning. Hell, he didn’t want to see it himself.
He picked up his shirt, his shoes and switched the lamps off.
He had no idea what he was going to say to Gem when he faced her tomorrow, or how she’d react. She might never want to see him again, but he couldn’t leave yet. He had responsibilities, things that needed to be finalised before he hauled anchor.
He breathed deeply. He knew well enough about the times a person had to remind themselves that they were strong. So Gem was out of the scope. Not even on the radar. The radar between them wasn’t pinging off anything. He wasn’t staying and he was damned sure he wasn’t going to mess things up for Gem any more than he already had.
Nineteen
Five days, Five nights.
Gem ripped a sheet of notepaper off the pad on the kitchen table and wrote a note for Josh.
I’m helping Marie pack for the move to Mrs Tam’s flat. I’ll be gone all day. I think Ted’s bigwigs have found something on the guy who took the bribe. I’ll speak to Ted tomorrow, unless you do first. Let me know if there’s anything else I should know.
This is the way adults behaved when they didn’t want to talk to each other but were forced to be in each other’s company. She gave a rueful laugh but didn’t sign her name. What would she say? Love Gem, kiss, kiss, kiss?
This is what it had come to. Gem wasn’t sure why Josh had taken this route—he’d been the one to start the note-leaving. They were so polite when they did meet up in the hallway outside the bathroom, or in the kitchen in the early mornings or the late evenings. Nodding at each other. All the polite notes: I spoke to Ted. He’s got the people at the shire looking into our allegations. Or: Mum’s helping in any way she can. She’s spoken to my father and has asked him about the lottery ticket. She said he sound guarded. Perhaps he’s cracking?
Even the important things they imparted to each other in dialogue were given with dry voices and steady nerves, like: ‘Mrs Tam is buying my mother’s house.’ That had been a shock. Or ‘I believe I’ll have the resources to purchase the toy shop at full asking price.’ That one had surprised Josh. He’d opened his mouth to respond then closed it again. She’d wanted to tell him that it was her mum’s husband who’d come up with a suggestion, that her step-father Gregory said he and Mary would provide security for the additional fifty grand loan. But they no longer swapped personal information, only spoke business. They only responded with suggestions or further questions when the subject was to do with Nigel Munroe and his underhand dealings. Never mentioned feelings and emotions.
She didn’t know what Josh planned except what he’d told her, in a steady tone, the morning after she’d fallen even more in love him—so far in love that she’d let him go—that although he knew she’d like him to leave soonest, he felt he couldn’t and shouldn’t do that until he’d sorted out what he’d originally come back to do: sell the properties he owned.
She had no idea what he was going to do with the farmhouse but she’d bought lottery tickets every day since last Wednesday in case she won enough to buy it. The place had soul and history and it wouldn’t bother her, living here with the memories of what had happened between her and Josh. She’d never rid herself of the recollections anyway. She’d never marry now; never live with a man. So if she lived in this farmhouse, she’d have the comfort of her love for Josh, her hopes that he was happy somewhere, and the knowledge that she regretted nothing.
A noise in the hallway had her straightening her spine: Josh’s footsteps on the wooden floor. She turned as he came into the kitchen. He stopped; he obviously hadn’t expected to see her.
She didn’t take lifts from Josh; didn’t want to be with him in a confined space, so she’d been walking to and from town each day, but, God, it hurt to know that he hadn’t wanted to come into the kitchen until she’d gone. It was wounding that he hadn’t even wanted to catch sight of her, although it shouldn’t be; she crept around him just as much as he crept around her.
‘I was just putting my gear outside the door.’
He nodded slightly, his mouth a grim line, then looked elsewhere. He glanced at the note she’d written, then away.
‘That was a good thing you did for Mrs Tam.’
He looked startled, but of course he wouldn’t have expected a conversation about anything that might spark a thread of emotion between them. He shrugged. ‘She paid cash. Done deal. No real estate agents, no commission. Easy for both of us.’
‘She didn’t have enough money to buy your mother’s house.’ Not if he’d sold it to her at what Gem knew was the current asking price around Swallow’s Fall.
‘Turns out she did.’
She didn’t prod him further by asking if he’d reduced the price for Mrs Tam. The man had a beautiful soul; of course he’d taken the price down to within Mrs Tam’s range. What hurt her the most was that he’d had to do so because of her father’s manipulations. She’d speak to Mrs Tam and discover whether or not she intended to sell the takeaway business, because the McWade twins were looking for a business venture in or around town that would keep them and their wives in Swallow’s Fall.
She picked up her shoulder bag and made her way out of the kitchen to the farmhouse driveway in the frosty seven am light to walk into town. No need to tell him what she was doing or where she was going. It was all in the note.
Gem knelt on the shop floor behind Hurricane-Kenny, who’d stopped being a super hero and was now patting Thumper on his head. She’d been spending as little time as possible at the farmhouse, helping Marie in the shop all day and then meeting up with the twins at Kookaburra’s for an end-of-the-day glass of sav blanc. Sometimes she didn’t leave the hotel until almost closing time, to ensure that when she got to the farmhouse all she had to do was use the bathroom quickly and get herself into her bedroom.
‘Not long now until you get your flat back,’ Marie said as she moved rag dolls from the showcase table to a new spot on a shelf. ‘I can’t thank you enough, Gemma.’
‘Stop!’ Gem said, with a smile. Marie’s thanks had been coming all week. ‘You’re welcome, and don’t forget that I’m getting a great deal out of this too.’ Marie would take a part-time position in Gem’s toy shop, leaving Gem free to continue her artwork. Something she was dying to get back to—she needed the peace her art gave her.
‘It’s going to be so wonderful to have our own home,’ Marie said.
‘It will be,’ Gem agreed. She’d help Marie move into the flat above the takeaway after Josh, Dan and Ethan had moved Mrs Tam into Josh’s mother’s house, which, given the amount of belongings Mrs Tam had, was being done in stages over the week. On Saturday, Gem could move out of the farmhouse.
‘Hey, buddy,’ she said to Kenny as she pulled the boy into her, laughing at the look of dismay on her old rabbit’s face. ‘Pat him softly or you’re going to squash him. He doesn’t have super powers, remember?’ She took Kenny’s hand in hers and stroked Thumper’s head.
‘You’re such a happy person, Gemma,’ Marie said.
Gem shrugged. ‘Just who I am, I guess.’ She changed the subject, before the pain in her chest burst through her happy façade. ‘You’re going to love living in the flat above the takeaway—all those yummy smells each night.’
‘It’s just so good to actually eat properly again,’ Marie said.
Gem gave Thumper a celery leaf, then gave Kenny half a cored apple. She’d asked Jess to run her into town with the rabbit hutch yesterday. Gem too would be moving the few possessions she had at the farmhouse back into her flat over the week. Jess was going to help her. She’d told her friends that she and Josh had had a little chat about the future and that they’d decided it wasn’t going to work for either of them, so it was back to their original life plans. Jess and Jillian had looked as though they’d just been informed Mount Kosciusko had split down the middle and half of the mountain was now floating in the Tasman, on its way to New Zealand.
Gem stood, put Thumper in the toddler’s pen. Took the lid off a jigsaw puzzle for Kenny, and got on with unpacking the new delivery of toys.
‘I understand there’s been some kind of upheaval in town,’ Marie said suddenly. ‘Not that I’m gossiping—’
Gem laughed. ‘Gossip away, Marie. It’s part of life here in Swallow’s Fall. What have you heard?’ It was bound to be about Nigel Munroe. Maybe Gem could help ease the pain for her mum and herself with the ramifications of what he’d done by stemming the flow of tattle and putting a few people straight. She felt deeply that truth was the only way around this.
‘Josh.’
Oh no. ‘What about him?’
‘People are saying you’ve had an argument and I just hope it’s not about me.’
‘Definitely not, Marie. We haven’t seen eye to eye since he returned to town.’
‘But didn’t he save you from some ugly men in the pub one night?’
‘There was a fight. It was quite exciting.’ And hadn’t Gem said to the twins something like, One bar fight does not a marriage make, and yet it had been the point of change for both of them. ‘Josh and I used to be best friends a long time ago. I was a kid, I looked up to him. A bit like an older brother, you know.’
‘Well, if you ask me, I’ve never seen two people who are more suited to each other—and I don’t mean as siblings.’
Gem shrugged and put on her happy face. ‘The fact that we’re not talking to each other and that he’s selling up to leave and I’m buying to stay kind of defies that notion, don’t you think?’
‘I suppose so,’ Marie said, frowning. Fortunately, she let the conversation go and went back to the rag dolls.
Gem smiled as Kenny dropped his apple into the toddler pen for Thumper. It would be excellent to get her flat back at the end of this week. All those feelings of unbearable unhappiness she’d been fighting since Josh arrived in town had settled inside her. She’d been trying not to love him, when all she’d needed to do to heal her heart was tell him her feelings. She could move on now.
She looked up as the bell over the door dinged.
‘I couldn’t have a word, could I, Gemma?’ Ted asked.
‘Of course. Won’t be a sec,’ she said to Marie.
‘Take your time.’
Gem grabbed her stripy cardigan and followed Ted outside. She inhaled the air and let it swirl inside her, fresh, beautiful. Her home town.
‘What is it, Ted?’ she asked as he led her to the walkway railing.
‘Things have taken a turn this morning.’
‘Oh?’
‘The shire have brought the police in.’
‘To see the guy who took the bribe?’
Ted nodded. ‘I doubt it’ll be long before the cops visit your father. Sounds to me like he was taking something from the shire too.’
Good God, he’d never get away with it if that was the case.
‘Police’ll probably nab him today. They’re going to want to talk to me too, and likely you and Josh, since you say Munroe has been tinkering with your books.’
Not only with their books. Josh and Gem had worked out that her father had stymied plans of the second funding for renovation works at the town hall by a staggering sixty thousand dollars. She put a hand on Ted’s arm. ‘Sorry for the bother this is going to cause you, Ted.’
Ted puffed out his chest and hooked his thumbs into the belt loops on his corduroy trousers. ‘Wouldn’t be a committee chairman of worth if I couldn’t deal with the a few enquiries from the boys in blue, would I?’
Gem smiled her thanks and steeled herself. So this wa
s it. The start of the next nightmare.
Gem took hold of each of her friends’ hands across the table in the booth at Kookaburra’s and waited until she had their full attention.
‘I’m so sorry, girls.’
‘Give over,’ Jillian said, holding up her free hand.
‘You have to let me say it.’
‘No, we don’t,’ Jess said. ‘None of this is your fault. It’s the all-time shit’s fault.’
‘It’s just that I didn’t know it was going to blow up so soon. And now it’s going to affect your weddings.’
‘We didn’t invite the shit to the weddings,’ Jillian informed her with a wry smile.
‘You know what I mean. Your poor father is going to be answering questions to the law the week before your weddings. So I still apologise. I hadn’t expected any of us to uncover his deeds so soon. I thought it would take weeks.’
‘Bastard,’ both girls said.
‘I’ve spoken to Mum, and she’s told the police about the lottery ticket issue—’
‘What day is your mum arriving?’ Jess said.
Mary and Gregory were coming for the wedding. Gem hadn’t seen her mum for over a year and she couldn’t wait. ‘On the Friday, day before the big event. And Tod is coming after all.’
‘I know,’ Jillian said. ‘He asked if he could bring his new flame—’
‘—which of course he can,’ Jess finished. ‘Any news on Ryan?’
Gem sighed. ‘Still can’t find him. I did ask Josh if he knew anything, since we think Ryan went to sea, and he said he’d ask around his yachting buddies, but nothing yet.’
Jess leaned over the table and peered at Gem. ‘You’re speaking to Josh?’
‘Is there a you-know-what on the cards?’ Jillian asked.
‘No reconciliation!’ Gem said emphatically. ‘This was … before.’
‘Before what?’ Jess asked, wiggling her eyebrows.
‘Some saucy, sensual tryst up at the farmhouse?’ Jillian queried before turning to her sister. ‘Sex.’
‘They’ve done it.’
‘Must have. Why else would they suddenly not be talking to each other?’