by Roni Loren
His words went long and distorted in her ears, like someone had hit the slo-mo button on her eardrums. It’s been at least a month… A month.
Had it been a month since she’d had a period?
Everything had been happening so fast and frantic, both with the fund-raiser and with Shaw, that the weeks were blending together. She never kept close watch on her period. She’d always had irregular cycles and weird hormonal patterns. It hadn’t crossed her mind that she hadn’t had one in a while. “I’m not on the pill or anything else. My body responds weird to hormones.”
His lips parted, a snap of fear crossing his face. “Taryn…”
She shook her head, the possibility not even something she could process. “No, don’t panic. It’s fine. It’s probably fine.” The wrapper crinkled in her fist as she squeezed too tightly. “My cycles vary and can go long. It happens all the time.”
“Yeah?” he asked, a hopeful note in his voice.
She nodded, trying to reassure herself along with him. “Yes.”
Shaw ran a hand over the back of his neck, visibly shaken. “Right. Okay.”
She reached out and gave his knee a squeeze. “None of the condoms broke. I’m sure we’re fine.”
But acid burned the back of her throat. What if they weren’t?
He put his hand over hers, and she could feel a slight tremble in his. “I bought a test. I think you should take it, you know, just to ease our minds. I don’t think I can…not know for sure. After…” He cleared his throat. “I’d just feel better with confirmation.”
Her mind jumped back to what he’d told her about his past, the pregnant girlfriend, why she’d ended it. Jesus. This was a code red in Shaw’s head. How could it not be? Her ribs cinched tight, her heart hurting for him. “Of course. I’d like to know for sure, too.”
Shaw leaned forward and cupped the back of her neck to kiss her. “Thank you. I know I’m probably panicking for nothing but—”
“It’s fine,” she said, touching her forehead to his. “I understand. Let’s get this done so we can eat some dinner, okay? I’m starving.”
He gave her a tremulous smile. “Deal.”
Taryn tried to remain one hundred percent calm as Shaw went to the grocery bag on the counter and pulled out a pregnancy test. She took it from him, staring down at the bright-pink box, her hands beginning to shake. Shit. She was taking a pregnancy test.
Her mind wouldn’t wrap around that fact. The self-talk ran rampant in her head. This didn’t have to be a big deal. This was just a precaution. Paranoia. The condom hadn’t broken. Expiration dates were just estimates. She’d once eaten a bag of Doritos that were a year expired. They were fine. She didn’t need to freak out. She was just doing this to ease Shaw’s mind.
Shaw followed her to his room and stopped at the bathroom door. “Can you come out when you’re done so I can watch the results with you?”
“Sure,” she said, the word coming out too high.
Taryn went inside and braced her hands on the edge of the sink for a moment, trying to get herself in check. She would not lose it. She was fine. Rebecca was the pregnant one. Not her. She could not be pregnant.
With a baby.
With Shaw Miller’s baby.
Oh fuck. She couldn’t go there. The thought was too twisted and screwed up to even consider. Soap opera screwed up. How the hell had she ended up here? This was just supposed to be a fun, no-pressure affair.
Taryn took a few deep breaths so as not to completely lose her shit and tried to read the instructions for the test. Then she did what she needed to do, which was surprisingly challenging—aiming for a stick held by a trembling hand. She washed her hands, set the test on the counter, and opened the door.
Shaw had paled three shades since she’d closed the door. He stepped inside, his eyes going straight to the stick on the counter. “How long is it supposed to take?”
“Two minutes,” she said. “In other words, forever.”
He huffed. “No kidding.”
She put a hand on his back, trying to give comfort, but really seeking it for herself as well. “One line means we’re good.”
“Right.”
Neither of them dared mention that there was any other possibility but one line.
So they stood there and stared. Taryn’s mind spun so fast that she felt like she was outside herself, watching the two of them watch the test. She had set a timer on her phone, and when it went off, they both startled.
Shaw’s head dipped between his shoulders, his whole body sagging against the sink.
Taryn started laughing, an edge of hysteria to it, the relief palpable. She leaned back against the wall and closed her eyes. “One line. Good job, old-ass condoms.”
Shaw spun toward her and swept her into a hug. His grip was bordering on desperate, squishing her breath from her. “I’m so sorry, Taryn. I’m so, so sorry to have put you in this position.”
Taryn frowned at the vehemence in his voice. “Not your fault. I’m the one who read the date wrong.”
“But you shouldn’t even have to consider…” His voice caught.
“It’s okay.” She rubbed his back. “Anytime you sleep with someone, there’s inherent risk. That’s the price. I’m a big girl. I know that.”
“No. You know it’s more than that.” He pulled back and looked down at her, anguish in his eyes. “I would never ever want to inflict…myself on you. Or a child.”
She swallowed, the words sharp and ugly to her ear. “Inflict.”
“Come on. You know what I’m saying. My family name. My genes. My history.” He released her. “I decided a long time ago that my family line ends with me. It’s the least I can do for the world. Could you imagine a kid growing up with my past in his family tree? And what if there is something genetic there?”
Taryn’s breath left her, his words breaking her heart with painful little fissures. For him, but also because she couldn’t deny the panicked thoughts that had run through her head while she was taking the test. “Shaw, I understand what you’re saying, and I’m glad there’s only one line on the test, but it’s not because I think you’re damaged goods. You realize that’s not how I see you, right? You are a different person from your brother. I wouldn’t be here at all otherwise.”
He rubbed a hand over his face and exhaled slowly. “I’m just sorry I put you through this.”
“It worked out, all right? We’re okay,” she said gently. “We’ll be more careful.”
“Right.”
She took his hand, leading him out of the bathroom. “Come on. Let’s get some dinner and relax. This is enough panic for one day.”
But as she curled up next to him that night after they’d made love, her heartbeat never slowed down. They’d dodged a major bullet, but now she couldn’t keep her mind from going down the roads of what-if. None of those roads looked good.
She was right on one thing. There was inherent risk in any sexual relationship.
But Shaw was right on the other.
This was no ordinary hookup. Theirs suddenly felt like a ticking bomb, and they were tossing that bomb back and forth between each other. Carelessly. Capriciously. Not thinking of what this could do to the people around them. She could hear the clock counting down with each of Shaw’s deep, sleeping breaths.
So many paths they could stumble upon had explosions waiting for them at the end.
What if her family or friends found out who Shaw was? Boom.
What if she had been pregnant? Boom.
What if she fell in love with him?
What if that was already happening?
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
She rolled over, facing away from him, the last thought blaring through her mind like a tornado siren. What if you love him? What if you love him?
The truth of it sank her like qui
cksand. There was no what-if. She’d gotten hit in the face with that reality tonight. She’d let it happen. Had walked right into this relationship and let the one thing she wasn’t supposed to do happen. Tonight, that ludicrous flash of hope that he was proposing had proved it. Some part of her had wanted that, had wanted to get her romantic love story.
The handsome guy. The whirlwind romance. The happy ending.
She was finally the star in her own romantic movie. Hurrah!
But she wasn’t. That was a fucking delusion. That handsome guy was someone her family would never accept. This whirlwind romance was something that would horrify her friends and put the gossipy press into a feeding frenzy. And there was no happily-ever-after. Shaw was in hiding and planned to stay that way. They could never be together like a real couple.
She needed to get through the fund-raiser at Shaw’s gym and then do what was necessary. Make a clean break. Save them both.
This was not sweet. This was not simple. This was as complicated as it got. They would have an ending. But not a happy one. Her falling in love with him didn’t matter.
Taryn suddenly had new song lyrics in her head.
But they were all about goodbye.
Chapter
Twenty-Three
Taryn’s phone vibrated on the side table, pulling her out of the fitful sleep she’d fallen into in the middle of the night.
Shaw groaned from beside her. “Tell them to go away.”
But her phone didn’t stop. She extracted herself from his hold and sat up to grab her glasses and reach for it. The name on the screen made her cringe. Her mother.
She still hadn’t managed to get over there to visit, but she doubted her mom would resort to early-morning calls to ask her about that. Something could be wrong. She put the phone to her ear and tried to ignore the fact that she was taking this call half-dressed in a man’s bed. “Uh, good morning.”
“Good morning, yourself,” her mother said. “Where are you?”
Taryn quickly glanced at Shaw who had rolled onto his back, his chest bare and his sleepy eyes looking her way. God, she was going to miss that look. “I’m…in the city.”
“In the city?” her mother repeated, as if she’d never heard of the word city before. “At this hour?”
“Yes. I had…an early appointment. Did you need something?” she asked, trying to keep her voice even. If there was no emergency, she needed to get off this call before her mother sniffed out the lie like a bloodhound. Plus, no one wanted to have a conversation with their mother when they were half-naked in bed next to a guy.
“I’m in your driveway,” her mother said impatiently. “We’re supposed to go to breakfast before we go to the cemetery.”
“The…” The room flipped over in Taryn’s vision for a second, and she put her hand on Shaw’s arm as if she might tip over. It was the thirteenth. Nia’s birthday. A day she always took off from work. A day she always spent with her family. A day she spent making sure her mother didn’t fall apart.
She put her fingers to her temple. She’d forgotten. How the hell had she forgotten? Tears jumped to her eyes.
“Baby, are you okay?” Shaw asked, lifting up on his elbows, the concern on his face instant.
She tried to hush him but not quick enough.
“Who is that?” her mother asked, too sharp to miss the intrusion.
Taryn tried to find her voice even though her heart had crawled up her throat and lodged there. “Just a colleague, Momma. I needed to…meet with him about something this morning.” About something? What the hell kind of lie was that? Awful. She could see her mother’s eyes narrowing already. “I’m about to head back to town. I can meet you and Daddy at the cemetery. I’m sorry I forgot to mention I couldn’t make it to breakfast.”
“Your colleagues call you baby?” she asked in that mom tone, that you-better-rethink-what-you-just-said-young-lady tone Taryn remembered from her childhood.
The reprimand wasn’t necessary. There was nothing her mother could say that would make Taryn feel worse than she already did. She’d forgotten her baby sister’s birthday. Instead of being with her family, she was in bed with a guy—no, with Shaw Miller—worrying about her own petty dramas. Poor Taryn, she’s fallen for a guy she can’t be with. Wah-wah. Boo-hoo. She’d never felt more selfish.
“I’m sorry,” she said finally. “I lost track of what day it was and slept at a friend’s place in the city. I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“Slept?” Her mother sucked in a breath. “What friend?”
“No one you know.”
“You slept at some strange man’s house?” She made it sound as if Taryn had walked into a dangerous part of town wearing diamond earrings and a sign that read Rob Me. “Taryn, do you know how many young women are murdered going home with men they don’t know? Body parts found strewn somewhere months later! I cannot believe you would put yourself in that position. Is this what you’ve been doing when you’ve been ig—”
“Momma, I’m fine. You don’t know him, but I do,” Taryn said, feeling tired and terrible at the same time. “Look, I’ll be there soon, okay?”
Her mom made a perturbed sound but didn’t lecture her further. That would no doubt come later. “Remember to pick up flowers and eat something because now you won’t make it in time for breakfast.”
Taryn ended the call with her mom and put her face in her hands, the reality of what she’d forgotten pouring over her in a flood.
Shaw shifted to sit up and put his arm around her. “Hey, what’s going on? You okay?”
“No, not really,” she admitted. “But it’s fine. I have to go. I’m sorry.”
“What happened?”
She shoved the covers aside, slipping from his hold, and got out of the bed. Her stitched-together emotions felt as if they were unraveling thread by thread. “Nothing, all right? I just need to go.”
He flinched at her tone. “Baby, if there’s something I can do to help—”
She looked at him, feeling like she was about to crumble in front of him, just fall apart right there and dump a whole bunch of emotional shit at his doorstep. She could not let that happen right now. She needed to get out of there. “Thanks, but you can’t help. No one can. I forgot it was my sister’s birthday. We always spend the day as a family. And I forgot. And my mother is smart enough to know what kind of friend’s house I was sleeping at. One who calls me ‘baby.’”
Shaw grimaced. “I’m sorry about that. You looked so upset.”
“Not your fault. This is completely mine.” One hundred percent, totally hers. Being here. Getting so involved with someone that she’d lost sight of what was most important. How could she ever let herself forget? “I’ll deal with it. I need to get dressed.”
She left the bedroom and started searching around for her clothes, but Shaw followed her out soon after. She’d managed to tug on her jeans and shirt, but before she could reach her socks, Shaw intercepted her, putting his hands on her biceps and halting her hectic search. “Hey, look at me.”
She didn’t want to, didn’t know if she could keep from crying much longer, but she forced her gaze his way. “What? I need to get ready. I’m already late.”
“Hey,” he said, his tone softer. “Don’t do this to yourself.”
“Do what?” She jutted her chin out, trying to scare him off this track. “Go? I have to go.”
“No. I mean, don’t beat yourself up. It was an honest mistake. You have the right to not be perfect. You’re going to forget things sometimes. You have a lot going on.”
Her molars pressed hard against one another as she tried to keep tears from appearing. “You don’t understand,” she said finally. “I don’t forget.”
His gaze held hers. “Maybe you should sometimes.”
His voice was gentle, but her spine went straight and stiff as if he�
�d yelled. “Maybe I should forget?”
He let out a breath. “You know what I mean. You’ll never forget. Neither will I. But it’s okay to tuck the painful stuff in a closet every now and then and take a damn breather. You’ve dedicated your life to this. Every day. Your whole career is focused on this. It’s a beautiful, admirable thing, but when do you get a break?”
“A break? Are you kidding?” Her voice had risen in volume, but she couldn’t help it. “That’s what I’ve been doing for goddamned months. That’s why I forgot.”
“No, you haven’t been on a break, Taryn,” he said, frustration in his voice. “You’ve been working your ass off on a fund-raiser and in between trying to live a little bit of your life. That’s not something to feel bad about.”
“I forgot, Shaw.”
“You lost track of time. Good. I know what remembering every damn second does to a person. I’ve been there. It’s a dangerous house to live in,” he said, his expression going grim. “You saw where my head went last night. Memories can fucking drown you if you let them.”
“I can’t change the memories, Shaw.” She snatched up her socks and tugged them on.
“I know that. All I’m saying is that it’s okay if you lost track for a minute. You haven’t done anything wrong. So you’ve been spending time with a guy, enjoying yourself a little in between all your work. It’s nothing to apologize for. You deserve your own life. Don’t let your parents make you feel like that’s not okay. Don’t make yourself feel bad for wanting that.”
The thought was ludicrous. “You don’t get it. This is not okay. It’s not okay that I forgot. It’s not okay that I picked you to be with despite all the obvious risks. It’s not okay that last night there was a very real possibility I could explode my entire life and destroy my parents in the process. It’s all so very not okay. Don’t you see how goddamned selfish all that is?”
He winced like she’d punched him. “Taryn…”
“I’m not blaming you. This is my doing, but don’t act like you get it. I don’t get to take on a new identity and pretend I’m someone else. This is it.” She put her hand to her chest. “This is all I’ve got. I’m the sister. I’m the one who’s going to fix things. I’m the one who keeps my parents going. I don’t get a vacation from things like you do.”