“I’m surprised you didn’t go to New York with your man,” Mason says as we get settled on my sofa with our laptops and our notes spread out around us.
“Rebel isn’t my man,” I snap, the words like a sharp knife in the pit of my stomach. “And how did you know about New York?”
A blush creeps up Mason’s neck and into his cheeks. “I’ve been texting with Heart a little bit. He couldn’t go to New York, and he was bummed about it.”
A smile twists on my lips. As miserable as I feel right now, I’m happy Rebel made the right call introducing him to Heart. Who knows, maybe they’ll fall in love and live happily ever after. I don’t know why I’m suddenly able to even think those words without rolling my eyes, but there you have it.
“I think I fucked things up with Rebel,” I admit.
“What happened?”
“He told me he was stepping back from filming scenes and is only going to do behind the camera work from now on, and I kind of freaked out on him.”
“Why?” The confusion on Mason’s face almost makes me chuckle.
“Because it felt like some sort of gesture, and maybe it was. I don’t know, he says he has feelings for me, and I don’t even really know what that means.” I struggle to explain.
“Hold on, let me see if I’m getting this. You got scared because you thought Rebel was taking the relationship more seriously than you were?”
“Yeah, that’s a way easier way to put it.”
“You don’t have any feelings for him?” Mason asks, cocking his head to one side.
“What does that even mean?” I grumble. “What are these elusive feelings everyone keeps referring to?”
“It means you like him for more than just sex; you like just being around him, and you like him as a person. Like, if you have a mental checklist of things you look for in a long term partner, feelings usually means the person checks a lot of those boxes. It means you can see a future with them.”
Oh.
“Yeah, maybe some of that.”
My heart pounds as I think back over the past few months and all of the non-sex time Rebel and I have spent together. If I’m being honest with myself, there are some definite warm fuzzies when I think about the time we’ve spent watching Netflix, talking on the thirty-hour road trip, the fun we had in Vegas...and then when I think of how I felt seeing him with his family…
“I think I have feelings for him,” I admit in a whisper like I’m confessing an illness. “Fuck. What do I do now?”
“Tell him how you feel.”
“But I was such a dick. Not just when I freaked out at him, but I’ve been pushing him away all this time while he’s been letting himself fall for me. I don’t deserve him, but if I’m going to try to make things right, I can’t just call him and tell him I want to be his boyfriend or anything lame like that.”
“Go to New York,” Mason suggests. “I can find out from Heart where they’re staying, and you can go tell him how you feel. Maybe even consider the word love?”
My heart jumps into my throat. “We’ll see about that last part.”
“But you’ll go to New York?” Mason asks.
“Yeah, I don’t think I have a choice. I need to win Reb—Hendrix back.”
Mason whips out his phone and presses a few buttons. “Hey, Heart, I need a favor.”
* * *
After Mason got me the information on where the guys are staying in New York and where the awards ceremony is being held, I booked the earliest flight I could get and spent a restless night mentally rehearsing what I could say to Hendrix to make things right between us.
When I get off the plane, my hands are shaking, and I feel like I’m on the verge of a massive panic attack. What do I do if I lay it all out on the line and he tells me he changed his mind? Or what if I misinterpreted everything and Hendrix doesn’t want me the way I want him? Propositioning him for sex when he was just a stranger was so much easier than asking him to be my boyfriend now.
I hail a cab and tell him which hotel I need to go to, and then I sit back and try to enjoy the sights of a city I’ve never been to. But the entire time, all I can do is count down the miles dissolving as I get closer to my man.
The one thing Heart didn’t know was the room number, so when I get to the hotel I stop at the front desk.
“Hi, I’m supposed to be meeting my friends, but I forgot to get his room number. Would you happen to know which rooms the Ballsy Boys are staying in?” I ask with a charming smile.
“I’ll have to call up and make sure it’s okay to tell you. There’ve been a few fans trying to gain access after they heard they were staying here.”
I nod in understanding and wait as she calls up to their rooms. I wanted this to be a surprise, but I guess it still will be in a way.
“No one is answering,” she says apologetically after a minute or so of trying to call.
“Oh, shit. What time is it?”
I whip out my phone and realize they’re probably already at the award ceremony. I take off again, hailing a cab and hoping to hell I’ll be able to find Hendrix there.
When I hop out of the cab at the hotel where they’re holding the awards thing, I realize I’m going to stick out like a sore thumb as soon as I enter, in my casual clothes, carrying a duffle bag with my stuff in it. But I don’t care. All I care about is getting to Hendrix.
Inside isn’t exactly what I was expecting, as people mingle while food and drinks are being served. It looks more like a bit of a party than a stuffy awards ceremony like I was imagining. And, it turns out I’m not really underdressed after all, considering some of the stars in attendance are practically naked.
It only takes a second for my gaze to zero in on Hendrix across the large hotel ballroom. I push my way through the crowd, calling half-hearted apologies to those who seem particularly offended. I come to a stop in front of Hendrix, and the moment his ice-blue eyes meet mine, every word I practiced over the last twenty-four hours is blown from my mind, and I stand there gaping at him like a complete moron.
“Troy, what are you doing here?” he asks, his expression seeming to war between worried and happy to see me.
“I needed to talk to you.”
“Okay, let’s talk,” he agrees.
“Could we go somewhere private for a minute?”
Hendrix glances over his shoulder at all his friends, seeming to realize for the first time that all eyes are on us. His hand finds my lower back, and he leads me out of the convention hall, into a quiet hallway.
“Okay, let’s talk,” Hendrix prompts as soon as we’re alone.
I take a deep breath, desperately grappling for my scattered thoughts. I knew exactly what I wanted to say, but now I’m at a loss. “I was a dick,” I blurt and Hendrix smiles.
“Go on.”
“I’ve held people at arm’s length my whole life, because I was afraid to get hurt. It’s worked well for me for the most part. But, you had to go and fuck that all up by making me fall for you. I don’t do relationships, but with you, I think...I think I want to try.”
“You want to be my boyfriend?” Hendrix asks with a slight teasing lilt in his tone.
“Yeah, I do. I want to be exclusive and committed and all that shit.”
“You have such a way with words.”
“Hey, you can’t make fun of me; I’m your boyfriend,” I complain, stepping close to Hendrix and reaching for him. I need to touch him. I need to feel that this is real.
“That’s not a rule at all; I can totally make fun of my boyfriend.” Hendrix opens his arms and pulls me in, and all I can do is melt against his chest, basking in his heat and distinct scent.
“I lo—” I try to tell him what Mason suggested, but the word catches in my throat. I don’t think I’ve ever said it out loud. My parents never even told me they loved me that I can remember. “Sorry, that’s hard.”
“That’s okay,” Hendrix’s hand runs up and down my back soothingly. “We’ll get there
. And when you’re ready to say it, I can tell you that I do, too.”
My heart leaps into my throat, and I nod. “Wow, this is getting heavy. I feel like we need a quickie or something to make this easier.”
“We’re not going to use sex to hide from our feelings now. Don’t get me wrong, we’ll still have tons of sex, because sex is awesome, but it’s okay for things to get heavy. Okay?”
“Okay,” I agree before grabbing Hendrix by the back of the neck and pulling him into a deep kiss.
“Sorry to bust up this love fest, but you’re going to miss the award announcements,” Brewer says from behind Hendrix.
He presses a few more kisses to my lips before releasing me and then twining our fingers together and leading me back into the crowded room.
31
Rebel
He loves me.
Troy loves me.
It’s all I can think of when we make our way inside, together, our hands linked. My heart is doing some weird dance inside my chest, like a disco inferno, only better.
He loves me.
He can’t say it yet, but the fact that he flew in from LA to tell me he wants to be with me says enough. I mean, that must have cost him a good portion of his savings, and from what I can gather, he didn’t have much of a reserve to begin with. It’s the best declaration of love I could have ever dreamed of receiving from him.
The words will come, that I am certain of. It’ll take time, but one day, he’ll have the courage to say them. And when he does, I’ll be ready with mine.
We join the other boys, and they all smile at me with happiness, knowing how much it means to me to have Troy with me.
“They’re coming up on our category,” Bear whispers, and I focus on what’s happening on the small stage they’ve set up in the front of this huge hotel ballroom.
The yearly Porn Awards are a biggie, even if most categories are more or less exclusively aimed at straight porn. Gay porn is rapidly growing in popularity, as women are discovering it. They tend to find it way more attractive than straight porn. Duh. If I were a straight woman, I’d prefer watching two men to a man and a woman. I mean, tits are really not that interesting if you’re not attracted to women.
“To announce the winner in our next category, please welcome Big Boss!”
I smile as I applaud the tall man entering the stage. Big Boss is like the granddaddy of gay porn, one of the first stars in the genre. He’s long since retired, enjoying life with his three partners. Yes, you heard me correctly: the man is in an actual foursome. Good for him. I’ve seen a documentary about him and his men, and I swear, they’re all crazy in love with each other.
“I am beyond pleased to announce the winner in the next category: Best Gay Porn Production,” Big Boss says in his deep, low voice. “I am truly proud to see this genre develop, and I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the high-quality productions that have been released this year. We’ve come a long way since grainy, hand-shot videos in basements, and I couldn’t be prouder. The winner of this year’s Best Gay Porn Production is…”
I squeeze Troy’s hand as Big Boss opens the envelope in his hand and slowly pulls out the card. His face breaks open in a huge smile, and I hold my breath. “Ballsy Boys with Extortion! Congratulations!”
We won. Holy mother of all, we won. And not only that, we won with the video I helped produce. Adrenaline floods my veins, and I turn around to kiss Troy with so much force he staggers back before holding on to me. Before I can break off the kiss myself, I’m pulled away from him by Brewer, and we all hug and kiss and let out more than a few undignified whoops.
Bear makes his way to the front, and we all link arms as we watch him accept the award, his face beaming in a way I’ve never seen before. Then Big Boss steps back, and Bear takes the mic.
“A big thanks to the organizers and members of the Porn Awards for recognizing our hard work to create something beautiful that we’re truly proud of. As Big Boss said, we’ve come a long way in gay porn, and I am grateful that our desire to produce high quality porn has been valued by this organization. I’m exceptionally proud that Extortion won, but I would be dishonest if I accepted this award as if it were my accomplishment alone. First and foremost, this story was the creative concept of my assistant creative director, Rebel, who built on my idea and made it ten times better.”
Troy sends me a proud look that reaches deep inside me. He’s so proud of me, and it makes me feel like I could fly. He sees me, the real me, both Rebel and Hendrix—and he loves me.
“But the video would not have been this good without the terrific acting and hard work of Campy, Heart, and Tank. So, I dedicate this award to my Ballsy Boys.”
He holds it up, and we cheer, whistling our approval. When he arrives at our group with the award, another round of hugs and cheers and kisses follows. Hell, even Tank and Brewer hug, before they realize what they are doing and shoot each other a scowling glare to make up for it.
The after-party is exactly what you would expect from an event like this, with male and female strippers holding a lap dance competition, a drag queen fashion show, and a leather and fetish expo in one of the other ballrooms, including all kinds of demonstrations.
“That looks cool,” Troy says, and before I realize it, he’s dragged me into the expo.
“Excuse me, you were joking about that dildo of my cock, right?” I check.
He laughs. “Somehow, I think a dildo will be about the tamest thing we’ll find here.”
He’s right. Seriously, I’m a fucking porn star, but some of what they show here has me paling and my stomach rolling uncomfortably.
“What the hell is that?” Troy whispers, pointing toward a big contraption that looks like a torture device, with big leather straps and spikes everywhere.
Before I can say anything, the salesman has spotted me, and his eyes light up in recognition. Oh, fuck.
“Rebel!” he says excitedly and hurries over to shake my hand. “I’m so happy to meet you in person! I’m your biggest fan!”
“It’s nice to meet you, too” —I squint to read his nametag— “Donald.”
“Can I interest you in a demonstration of one of our products? I’ve got great cock rings and spreaders as well as brand new ball gags, the best on the market. And of course, we have a wide range of leather products for your pleasure, ranging from whips and floggers to all kinds of restraints.”
Troy is fighting hard to suppress his laughter, and I can feel his body shake with the effort. He knows how I feel about shit like this. I mean, to each his own, but this kind of stuff is a big no for me. I like my sex in all positions, and I don’t mind a little rough, but other than that, I’m as vanilla as it gets.
“I’m not really an adventurous type, sexually speaking.” I try to discourage Donald politely, but he won’t budge.
“Psh, nonsense. A hot gay porn star like you, of course, you like a little kink.”
Troy gives him a manly slap on the back. “You’re absolutely right, Donald. Rebel should live a little, experiment, right?”
Donald nods enthusiastically and starts a lengthy discourse on whatever the fuck he’s trying to sell me. Troy turns away from us, and I know he’s laughing his ass off, the fucker. I will so get him for this.
“You know what,” I say sweetly, “I’ll take a ball gag and a pair of handcuffs, please.”
“Excellent!” Donald beams and quickly grabs them for me. “Promise me to give us a shout out in a video if you like them!”
Troy turns to face me, looking distinctly less amused now.
“I will after I’ve tested them thoroughly.”
Troy narrows his eyes. “You wouldn’t dare,” he hisses.
I waggle my eyebrows. “Keep provoking me and you’ll find out.”
We walk around the rest of the expo, but Troy is a lot less cocksure, and I can’t suppress a grin. For all his bravura, he’s as much averse to that kinky shit as I am. Still, watching all the sexual toys has me hard as a rock, and
as soon as we’ve reached the end of the expo, I drag Troy into a more or less empty hallway.
“What—”
My mouth is on his before he can even utter another word, and within seconds, I have him moaning into my mouth and thrusting against me. I back him against the wall and dig in deep, pressing myself against him everywhere. The bag drops out of my hand onto the floor.
“Mmm,” I groan, dragging my mouth finally away from his. “I missed you. I missed this.”
His eyes find mine, quick breaths coming past his swollen lips. “Me too,” he says, and I know that’s as good as another declaration of love.
“Wanna head back to my hotel? If we go now, we can get a quickie in before Tank shows up.”
He nods immediately. Hand in hand, we walk back to the lobby. In one of the ballrooms, we pass Tank, and I tap him on the shoulder.
“Please give us at least an hour?” I ask, and I’m rewarded with one of his rare smiles as he nods. “Thank you. Here, you can use this on Brewer the next time he pisses you off.”
He looks in the plastic bag and laughs even harder. He’s truly a beautiful man when he smiles like this, and I quickly kiss his cheek. “Thanks, Tank.”
Tank gives us a couple of hours before coming into the room, and by that time, we’re both sated, already dozing in each other’s arms. Best day of my life.
He loves me.
Troy loves me.
32
Troy
I tense when I wake up with a body plastered to mine. It’s a habit that’s going to be difficult to break. But I’ll have to get used to sharing a bed because I’m pretty sure that’s what boyfriends do. Boyfriend. I still can’t believe I’m someone’s boyfriend, and he’s mine. Not just someone, a sexy, smart, amazing man like Hendrix.
I roll over and find him looking at me through sleepy, half-lidded eyes. A smile tips the corner of Hendrix’s lips, and my heart skips a few beats. I reach up and run the tips of my fingers along his lips and across his jaw.
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