by Monica Ali
Sometime Hussain come and talk with me. He so yellow like he turning into jute himself. I tell him what happen at factory. I tell everything. I only tell Mr Chowdhury I get laid off due to how easy he get upset.
Hussain say 'Sometime when people see a beautiful thing they want to destroy it. The thing make them feel ugly so they act ugly.' He meaning me for the beautiful thing. Then he say 'Me I too ugly anyway. Any beautiful thing coming my way just make me laugh. Ha! You think that making me feel bad? I already too ugly.'
May 1991
How to write? What to tell? Sister I have bring shame on self. Hide this letter from your husband.
I tell you what happen. If you write to me even in spite you know what I have done it not because I trick you to think I am good person.
Thursday evening Mr Chowdhury come here. I not expecting he have come last week. I sleeping on my mat in underclothes and a knock coming on the door. I call out and he reply then bang with his stick. Just a minute I tell him I getting dressed. But he kick the door and break catch.
Light the bloody lamp. He yelling like hell. I get up from bed I still undress. 'Let me see her. Let me see the whore.' And I cannot light it my hand is frighten. He take the lamp and do it. Then I see how his face look.
He marching up and down room with the lamp. I moving out of way. I trying to climb inside the dark. His cane find me. My legs afraid. He shout again. 'What you have done to me? You screwing every motherfucker in the factory! Did they put roof over your head? Did they treat like daughter? What did they give you? What did I get?'
All I thinking that everyone can hear. He still going on. 'I am a fool.' He screaming it really. He put lamp down and he starting to take off shirt. He quiet and I glad for it. Then he take off trousers. I say nothing I do nothing and then it done and he sit in the chair. He ask me to rub feet and I do it. He tell me not to cry and I stop. He ask if it he who taking care of me and I say yes it him.
This is what happen and afterward I cry. All the time I thinking my life cursed. God have given me life but he has curse it. He put rocks in my path thorns under feet snakes over head. Which way I turn any way it is dark. He never light it. If I drink water it turn to mud eat food it poison me. I stretch out my hand it burn and by my side it wither. This is what He plan for me. This is how I thinking. I telling you everything so you know the sort of person I am.
Little and little I getting stronger. I pray God forgive me. I sick then inside my mind. Everything has happen is because of me. I take my own husband. I leave him. I go to the factory. I let Abdul walk with me. I the one living here without paying.
This is all I have to tell and I have tell everything.
August 1991
Where I can go sister? I run away for my husband. And I run away from him also. Now I afraid to run again.
You want to bring me to London. I like to come. But again this time your husband right and you must listen. Save money for new baby coming. Husband starting new business. He need money for that also. Tutoring is very good idea. Here no one can pass exam without tutoring.
Zainab in trouble. I talk to her and forget own trouble. One day her husband was cycling to District Court and he knocking into man on Suzuki scooter. You think it Zainabs husband get bashed up but that is not how it happen. Suzuki man fall on neck and now arms and legs not working. Police put Zainabs husband in police station and she take savings there for releasing husband. And now Suzuki man wife serving Notice on Zainabs husband. They want money but now Zainab do not have money. She done everything but it useless. She tell me 'I went to the house. Look. This is how I getting down on my knees and this is how I pulling my hair and this is how I tearing my clothes and screaming. Wife looking at me like dirty rag. Why she think this dirty rag got money?' Then she start wailing and beating on chest. 'Oh why my husband cant break his neck. Then we the ones serving Notice.'
The son have been taken out of school. He wear his uniform but it not looking so smart any more. He like to take a stick and tease the goats. I think he taking eggs but I waiting to catch him. The house quieter now. Zainabs family too sad for arguing.
He comes every week. Sometime he comes twice.
February 1992
God blesses me. Another niece! I think of her. I think of Shahana. Send photo of both.
He still come to me. Only quick visit. He did used to say 'Next week I take you to my house. I need another maid.' Now he say nothing. He come only once a week and sometime not at all. If he stop visit how long before he puts me out?
I go to every garment factory in Dhaka. Nobody have machining job. This is all training I have. I think of making some things at home and trying to sell. I make whistles out from bamboo and I take outside and sit with them. Nobody wanting to buy. Hussain see and he laugh. 'Put a little sunshine in bag and sell that too.' This is how he say. I go to bazaar for cloth scraps and I make dolls. Then I go to Motijheel and sit on pavement. Police kick the box and they make threat. Hussain tell me 'Dont you know the pavement for rent? The pavement it do not belong to you. Everything for rent.'
He give me some goat milk. And he make little cabinet for me. I keep soap and comb and pen in it. His arms so flab and flop. Little wind makes them swing. But he is kind. He make me laugh. He can turn eyelids inside out and he move his ears without disturb single muscle on face. 'God blesses each one' he say. 'How He love me to give such talents.' And he say 'To you He give the gift of beauty. How He show His love in you!' For long time then I cry. In night he come to my room. I do not send away.
October 1992
Zainab have gone. Whole family gone. No word to me just disappear like that.
Everything going on same way. Hussain give me sari some ribbons and pretty box with pearl lid. His friend Ali also giving presents.
You ask to write but I cannot think what to tell. Nothing much to tell. Only God see what is in my heart.
Pray for me, sister.
September 1993
I not mean to make you frighten. Few time this last year I take my pen and sit down. Once twice I begin the letter but words do not come. Even I do not write I think of you.
After long time I start to think of factory again. I go there and I wait outside across road. I think to speak to them my friends. I see Shahnaz she come out and I pull my headscarf around face. She expect a child. It make me feel my shame. God will not give child to me. I thinking I see Aleya but one burkha looking like another. No husband come for her. Renu I have not see.
Three time I go there and watch and all time I asking self if ever there love between us and what kind of love it so easily broken. Shahnaz wearing too much cosmetics. I never did see with so much cosmetics before.
I walk around factory gates around the walls. If it possible to hate bricks I hating them. This factory have ruin me. Many families living around there now. Before the security guards come and clear up like leaves but now is all sort of tent and cardboard shack. One family living in big pipe is mean for taking water. I walk around.
I thinking this one thing all day. They put me out from factory for untrue reason and due to they put me out the reason have come now as actual truth. This is how I was thinking.
Hussain still looking out for me. He the one making sure I get the money. If he not look out anyone take what they like and not pay. Landlord no longer come. I pay rent now.
Eight ten months past Hussain stop the jute mill job. He have other girl over near Borobazaar and two other who go around for work. These he call floating girl. Government office are good for floating girl. Big hotel also good but girl must be younger. Hussain not yellow now. Now he orange like marigolds. He tell me work hard only few year left to work. Best price for girls eleven twelve. He take good care. Someone not want to pay Hussain deal with them. Arms are flab and flop but they strong.
July 1994
I have the photo of girls and I put with others. I have frame. Three photos will fill up nice and I will buy glass and put on wall. Picture do pretty up the wall.
Your husband is very good in finding jobs. What is Leisure Centre? Is it Government job?
I give you word as you ask to send more letter. Even I have nothing to tell that is what I writing and sending to you. Only thing here is rain. Seems like wetter in my room than pond. Hussain building bed for me high up on legs. Easy for working with high bed. Sometime I feel bad I sit with him. All time he joking. He say 'You got to look for good side. Everything got good side. How about we throw some rice in there get selves paddy field?' Is another talent besides ear waggling and eyelid turning.
I wake up time to time and think I back home. But is only smell of goat come bleating outside door. City smell different smell of men and cars. I like to smell the village again.
Oh there only one goat now. Other got on railway track and we eat it up. Chickens also make a feast. They stop laying.
Renu come into mind. If she still suffering still waiting. Then I think of Mumtaz and of Amma. I not daring enough to think of Abba. One time I think of his second wife how quick she come after mourning. How quick she go again. If only Amma know how quick she go. That is way with men. Why she did not know it?
March 1995
Do not be angry I have not kept word but I writing now and you must forgive.
Something too strange has happen. You cannot guess it. I have receive proposal of marriage.
He come for first time only two weeks past. Next day he return. It not so strange. But third day he come and drink tea with me and we talking only. In spite this he paying in full.
Every day he have come and just for talk. His name is Ahmed. He is tall. At least five feet and eight nine inches. And he is Albino. Because of this his skin like lassi and end of nose is toast like seed. When sun touch him it like acid in the face. Even the evenings he wearing dark glasses. From me he go to shoe factory. He is supervisor for night shift.
He is quiet man. When we talking most time he keep mouth closed. Most time we are sitting. I try to draw out. I dont want him pay in full for nothing. He turn my hand over and over like as if he never seen another hand. Jute men slap on back and call out. Eh babu are you making eyes at our sister?
But Ahmed do not bother. He is serious man. His hair the colour of silt. He have supervisor job for six year. Fifth day he take off glasses and give me fright like anything. Look like cats eyes inside head. Blue and waxy. You never see eyes like that. But is only because of the Albino. Nothing in actual fact wrong with the eye.
He bring bakul for me and hibiscus. Pretty though only one day lasting. What pity it is I cannot marry.
Give kisses to my nieces and best wish for your husband. I hoping he get better quick quick. Dhoie and also ghole is good for stomach ulcer.
March 1995
I do not know what to do. Ahmed pressing for marriage. He do not listen to anything. Hussain come and he talk to me. He say 'This man is odd like five-leg-donkey. Nature reject these things. What chance he has? You are damaged past repair. What chance you has also?' This is how he explain. And he tell me 'My liver is gone I cannot last much longer. Who will protect you if not him? I let you go. This life is finish. Begin another.'
I speak to Ahmed again. Again he is pressing. I tell him this. I am a low woman. I am nothing. I have nothing. I am all that I have. I can give you nothing.
Still he insist. I do not know what to do.
April 1995
I give thanks to God. As it is written in the suras 'Do not despair of the mercy of God for Allah forgives all sins. He is the Compassionate the Merciful.'
I am here with my husband. Not so far from Ghulshan which is best district in all of Dhaka. Three weeks now without I leave the flat. My husband go out in evening and return from shoe factory in morning. Then we have big meal and go to sleep. In afternoon we are together. Always he watching me with love. If I move he move. If I go to wash he follow. And he keeps hand on me. Like he thinking I going to vanish if he stop touching. This is kind of devotion.
When he go out in evening I begin housework. Everything have to be in good order. That only thing my husband asking. Good order. All jars and tins must keep the place. Tallest one first then next tallest next one bit shorter and so on to the smallest which is for saffron. All to be wiped each day so none is sticky. It do make everything easy to find. My husband roll his cigarettes each evening and leave on shelf and you never see such straight line. Good order of house meaning good order of mind. And he have three pairs of proper shoe and twenty-one pairs of lace. Each laces set match with only one of pair of shoes. They need keeping careful like anything.
I begin housework at night but even taking all care it done before morning and sometime I do fall asleep. Then it difficult to sleep when husband comes and it is my turn to do the watching.
Sister I know how you enjoy to leave your flat. But I have come inside now. How I love the walls keep me here.
April 1995
My husband have gone to bazaar. I go up on roof with other wives. I growing mustard in a pot chilli plants in another. I speak with wives and they grumble about husbands. I must grumble also or they looking strangely at me.
I stare down in street yesterday watching the road it getting dug up. The women have big spade and long handle axe. Some carrying basket of stones on shoulder. All thin like sticks. When men work in field at least they have mathlas. These women go bare head. And sun is red like a hell and big like anything.
Then they finish the work and lining up for pay. They getting pay in wheat. The wheat coming all way from America. This is what wives telling me. This is how they getting paid. How to live on wheat?
All day I thinking about these women who are not housewives like me and like you sister. I thinking what I do if I one of them. Which way I turn? How I think to get out from under the stones?
My husband soon he return and getting ready for job. Storm is coming. But it too early for rain. Now we long for rain. Storm stays in the sky. Red and white lights. How hot it is today. Grisma going on for longer in city it seem. Before the rains come my husband taking me to his village. Mother no longer alive but he have father and two brother not yet marry. I going to meet my new family. Sometime I worry they find out about me. I cant tell to husband. If I speak that way I remind of what is behind me.
He rub my head for me. He is quiet man. Sometime I think he fallen asleep but is just peaceful. He is a serious man. If someone say only few words every word takes more weight. How Shahana liking school? Is natural for mother to cry when the child begin to grow away but if your friend give advice to see doctor then go. See the doctor and he will tell you how well your sister reads your heart.
May 1995
All his life people been stare at my husband. I think that how he getting so serious. Also how he understand things for woman like me. Not many men getting stare at in their life. He have few blister on cheeks and nose is fry like pakora. Also in spite of these thing he handsome in an actual fact. Now I am use to blue eyes and blue eyes very nice as well.
It night now and I try to stay awake. This evening I go up on the roof. Talking with wives. They smoking secret cigarette cleaning children feeding babies. All are great Authority on this thing or that. One know all about wind. If someone burp in certain way it meaning they eat too quick. Another kind of burping mean too much spices. Deep belch is sign of twisted stomach tube. And wind from other end can be read in many way. Some lucky ones is sign of money coming. I call her the Windy Wife. Then there is Great Disaster. If someone stub a toe she say 'You lucky. Only the other day I mash two toes in the door.' Someone else has sick daughter. 'You can count blessings. Only the other week my daughter rushed to hospital.' Another wife have take beating. 'Thank God for one rib only broken. When my husband beat he make sure to break all bones.' And biggest Authority of all is Woman Who Know Men. Aaahh she says if you want your husband faithful you must hide his toothbrush in the morning. She do always say Aaahh before everything. A man not going to another woman with smelly breath. I know men! Aaahh anot
her thing. To stop him snoring you must burn incense in the room and always turn him on right side. I know men! Aaahh I can tell you something. Give your mother-in-law the best pieces of meat and next day he bringing jewellery for you. She know men!
One of young wife cannot have child. She have cut hair short and she praying. Not even short hair can bring child for me now. I have tell my husband and he accept it.
Before the rain come we going to his village. It must be soon.
Sometime I look out from roof and think I see my first husband. I see him with shirt unbutton to the chest. I see riding a motor bike. I see talking on mobile phone. I see man walk with hand on hip just like he use to do. And this when my fear is escaping. Other time I see man who come to me very often in Narayanganj. These time I feel the fear on my back.
May 1995
I pass these nights write to you sister. Flat is clean everything in good order. What I can say?
My husband is please with me. I am good housekeeper. I never mix up laces and laces are important to shoe man.
You know my husband tell me this. First moment he see me it the perfect moment in his whole and entire life. This is how he say. In his whole and entire life. He like to live it again and he planning to make it come again as an actual fact. He have me sit in bed and put my hair in certain way over one shoulder. Sheet is smooth at one end and crumple at other. I must tilt my face so or so. But light is never right. I hold head too tight or too loose. It hard for him not to get angry he trying to make something perfect. Sometime he say my face have change and he tell me to change it back but I soothe and he is quiet again.
The rains come now and we will not go to the village for a while.
If doctor gives pills you must take even in spite I do not know what kind of pill can cure disease of sadness. When you get use to Shahana being out from house you feeling like your old self again.
June 1995
Hussains funeral it pass today. Someone bring word for me and I go to say goodbye. I stand apart away from rest. Few of jute mens nobody else. I cover myself but they know who stand behind. They do not speak with me and I take for respect.