by Roni Loren
Andi reached up and stroked the hair at the nape of his neck, trying to keep her tears in check. “Thank you for this,” she said. “Waiting all these years for my first prom dance was worth it. You were worth the wait.”
He closed his eyes, and she could feel him take a deep breath. When he opened them again, he leaned down and kissed her. Not like the light brush of lips from earlier. This was a kiss. Soft and slow, his hands on her face and her palms sliding down to his chest. They were still moving to the music but not leaving their spot on the dance floor.
She lost herself to the feel of him, the music fading, and all her senses homing in on their kiss. She forgot they were in a crowd, on a dance floor, that her friends were here somewhere. She forgot everything.
But too soon, Hill broke away from the kiss and stepped back. The song rushed back into her ears. A lyric about the world being on fire and it being more than the person could handle. She expected to find Hill smiling or maybe a little embarrassed at the public display. But instead, his expression was stark, his eyes impossible to read.
Dread snaked through her. “Hey, you okay?”
The song was too loud. Hill looked away. “I’m fine. I need a break.”
Something about his tone set off her alarm bells. “Want to step outside and get some air?”
He wouldn’t look at her. “Yeah. Let’s do that.”
Chapter Twenty-Five
“Hey,” Andi said to her friends when she and Hill walked back to the table. “We’ll be right back. We’re going to get a little fresh air.”
Eliza fanned herself and gave them a knowing grin. “Yeah, I can see why.”
Hill’s heartbeat was in his ears, panic digging its claws into him. You were worth the wait.
Before Hill realized what was happening, Andi had grabbed her purse and was leading them along the edge of the dance floor and out into the humid night air. The door clicked shut behind them, leaving them on a quiet street, a line of parked cars their only company. They walked a few more steps and around the side of the building to the parking lot, shielded from anyone who may go in or out of the venue.
Andi turned to him before he could get a word out. “You look like you saw a ghost. What happened in there?”
“Andi…” He didn’t want to do this.
Had to do this.
“What?” she said, standing in front of him, searching his face. “Tell me. I can feel something’s going on with you.”
He stared at her, everything welling up to the surface, all the things he’d been trying to keep down punching through. He leaned back against the brick wall of the building, dipping his head and closing his eyes.
“Tell me,” she repeated softly, her hand going to his bicep.
Honesty. He’d promised her honesty. It was all he could give her right now.
He lifted his head. “I’m falling in love with you.”
Andi’s eyes widened and her lips parted, her bright-red lipstick making the expression even more dramatic. She blinked. “You’re…”
He let out a ragged breath. “I knew it the second I stepped out onstage tonight and saw you in the audience. I didn’t just feel happy to see you. I felt…” He searched for the right words. “Lit up inside. Like, ‘Oh, there she is. I’ve been waiting for her.’ I tried to shake it off. But just now…when we kissed…”
Andi stared at him in wonder, and her blue eyes turned shiny with tears. She grabbed his hands. “Hill…”
He shook his head before she could say anything. “But I can’t do this.”
A line appeared between her brows, her fingers cold against his. “Do what?”
“I meant what I said about being the practice guy,” he said, the words like knives in his throat. “How I feel about you doesn’t change that.”
“Of course it does,” she said, exasperation in her voice. “Hill, don’t be ridiculous. I already told you I wanted to date you, that I’ve developed feelings for you. And you think I didn’t feel something with that kiss? Knowing you’re feeling things back…” She squeezed his hands. “That’s… I want that. I want to be in a relationship with you.”
He swallowed past the pain in his throat. What she was offering him was like the ripest, brightest fruit on the tree, but he couldn’t grab it. He knew better. “Andi, I can’t. I can’t be the default guy or someone’s comfort-blanket choice again. What happened with Christina…” He released her hands. “It ripped me apart.”
Andi was shaking her head slowly, silently.
“She told me that she’d already been tempted to cheat before my accident. She’d already realized her mistake,” he said, the words echoing inside him with shame. “I was just the good-enough guy, not the guy. She didn’t recognize that initially because she didn’t have enough experience to know what a true soul mate felt like.”
“I’m not her,” Andi whispered.
“No, you’re not,” he said. “But I also think you’ve been put in a position where you can easily mistake safety for feelings. I’m the safe guy.” His eyes burned. “I’m glad you feel safe with me, but I don’t want you to look up in a year or two and realize that what we have isn’t setting your heart on fire, that you should’ve dated around and determined what you’re looking for in a guy beyond ‘guy who won’t hurt me.’”
She blinked, quiet tears escaping down her cheeks. “You’re hurting me now. You’re telling me I don’t know my own heart, my own mind.”
His ribs cinched, a sick feeling moving through him. “Andi, you’ve never even had a slow dance with a guy. You don’t know what you don’t know yet.”
“Who the fuck cares if I’ve slow danced or not? And you’re right,” she said, frustration in her voice. “I can’t guarantee you that a relationship between us will work out. No one can promise that up front. But I can guarantee you that if we don’t try, we’re promised a zero percent chance. The only way to protect yourself from a broken heart is to never let yourself love anyone. And wow, that sounds like a fun life.”
He looked down.
She sighed at his nonresponse. “Come on, this isn’t you. Your heart told you the truth in there on that dance floor. This—whatever this is—is your depression telling you lies.”
His attention flicked upward at that.
“I know about those kinds of lies,” she said, earnestness in her voice. “I know what it’s like for your brain to tell you it’s safer not to try at all. Mine used to tell me not to leave the house, that nowhere was safe. Once I fought those back, it told me to trust no man, that evil lurked everywhere, that any guy would hurt a woman if given the chance. I still fight those demons, but I do fight.” She shook her head. “Your fight looks different, but it’s still a fight. Your demons tell you that no one could possibly want to be with you. That once I come to my senses, I’ll bail on you. They tell you that you’re somehow less than because of what you’ve been through. They tell you that you’re doing me a favor by pushing me away. And it’s bullshit. You’re an amazing man, Hill. Smart and sexy and brave. You think those women earlier were throwing around money at the auction for you because they were feeling charitable?”
He heard what she was saying, but she wasn’t seeing all the experiences she hadn’t had yet. She was like the girl who’d always lived in the small town who’d never been to the city. He was the boy who lived down her street in that small town. He would not tie her to him, would not hold her back from the world.
He took a deep breath and gathered up the guts to say what needed to be said. “We need to end this. It’s not good for either of us anymore.”
Andi gasped like she’d been hit in the stomach. “You can’t be serious. Are you hearing me at all?”
The betrayed look in her eyes gutted him. “Andi…”
“You give me a movie-worthy kiss, tell me you’re falling in love with me, and then break things off
?” she asked, looking up to the heavens as if answers from on high would be forthcoming. “Why would you give me that only to take it away?”
He winced. “We promised we’d always be honest with each other.”
“But you’re not being honest with yourself.” She gave him a frustrated look. “You’re breaking up with me because you’re falling in love with me? Listen to that statement. That doesn’t make any sense.”
The words stabbed at him. “You deserve more than what I can offer you.”
She stared at him for a long moment, like she was trying to figure out a puzzle, testing out different pieces and none fitting. “You know,” she said finally, shaking her head, her tone changing almost as if she were talking to herself. “Maybe that’s true.”
He frowned, her agreement stinging.
Her throat bobbed, and her chin tipped up in that way he’d learned was her defense mode. “I deserve someone who’s willing to risk a broken heart to be with me. Who’s willing to gamble that things may not go perfectly. Someone who doesn’t require a guarantee.”
He opened his mouth to respond, but she beat him to it.
“That’s what being open to love looks like,” she said. “I was willing to risk all of that for you. I was willing to face down whatever demons I had to because it meant I got to be with you.”
The confession tore him open, the past tense in her words hitting home. He wanted to reach for her, to take it all back, but he forced himself to keep his hands at his sides.
Something closed off in her expression. “You’re so concerned that you’re my practice guy, but maybe you weren’t my practice at all. Maybe I was yours. You tried things out and realized you’d rather be alone.”
He stepped forward, shaking his head. “No, that’s not—”
She lifted a hand, halting him. “Please, don’t. You said what you needed to say. I’m hearing you. This is done. Got it.” She made a quiet sound of disbelief in the back of her throat and gave him a sad-eyed look. “But you know, what I told my friends on movie night was right. Love isn’t romantic. It’s a goddamned horror show. Just when you start to trust that it can be good, it punches you in the face again. I should’ve known better.”
His stomach twisted, hating that he was causing her any pain. “I’m so sorry, Andi.”
She shook her head and hiked her purse up higher on her shoulder. “I know you are. I wish that made it better.” She nodded toward the building. “I’m going home. Tell my friends I wasn’t feeling well.”
“You don’t have to—”
“No, I really do.” She gave him one last look, her mascara making streaks along her cheeks. “Goodbye, Hill.”
With that, she turned and walked away. Hill leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes, knowing he’d done the right thing, but his heart breaking into a thousand pieces anyway. I was willing to risk all of that for you. Her words were going to haunt him.
He waited until he saw Andi pull out of the parking lot, and then he steeled himself to go back inside. He would make sure to pay back Eliza, and he would tell her friends to go find Andi, that she’d left upset. He didn’t want her alone tonight.
Hill schooled his face into a blank expression and headed back into the party room. Karaoke had started. Some dude he didn’t know was singing a country song he hated. He saw Andi’s friends gathered on the far side of the room, flipping through a binder of karaoke choices. He took a breath and turned to head that way.
But before he’d taken three steps, Christina stepped into his path. “Hey.”
Hill instantly halted, narrowly avoiding knocking her drink out of her hand. “Hey.”
“I’m glad you’re still here,” she said, pushing up on her toes to get closer to his ear. “I just got here and thought I’d missed you.”
“I was outside, getting some air,” he said against her ear, trying not to shout. “Can we catch up in a second? I need to—”
“Where’s Andi?” she asked, cutting him off.
“She left. Wasn’t feeling good.”
When he leaned away from her ear, he found Christina’s expression pinched with concern. She jerked a thumb toward the left. “We need to talk. Come next door with me for a second.”
“I’m supposed to let Andi’s friends know where she is.” He glanced their way again, but they hadn’t noticed him yet.
Christina grabbed his elbow. “In a minute. This is important.”
Hill sighed. He didn’t have the energy for another conversation. He wanted to go home and forget this night ever happened. But Christina looked like she wasn’t about to be put off. He nodded and followed her back into the room where the auction had taken place.
When the door shut behind them, the off-key singing blessedly turned to a dull throb. Christina let go of his elbow when they were a few steps away from the door and turned to him. “I tried to call you earlier.”
He frowned. “My phone’s been on silent since I got here a few hours ago. Ramsey’s orders for the auction. What’s going on?”
Christina was in a black, dressy jumpsuit thing, and after setting her drink on a nearby table, she put her hand into some hidden pocket and pulled out her phone. “I’ve been digging into Andi’s trolls for you, and last time we talked, I hadn’t really found anything. But this afternoon, one of the searches I set up pinged with a hit.” She touched her phone screen, entered a code, and then found what she was looking for. “There’s this obscure message board where a few people were discussing Andi—people who hate the podcast, people who don’t like her or what she stands for. Typical toxic shit.”
“Okay…” he said, her tone making him nervous.
She looked up, her expression the one she used when she told people bad news. “Hill, they doxed her.”
His heart dropped. “What? When?”
“A few days before that night she called us out to the house for the break-in.”
The words took a second to register, the gravity of them. But when they hit him, they hit hard. “Jesus. You mean…”
Christina nodded, face grim. “Someone from that message board broke in.” She handed him her phone. “Someone posted that he’d been in her house.”
Fear crawled up Hill’s spine. He stared down at the screenshot Christina had taken.
KingXLeer: Bitch thinks she’s so safe. SO SMART. But guess who was able to jimmy her door open and LITERALLY stand in her house while she was home with her never knowing. The things I could’ve done to her stupid ass. For those wanting to visit, here’s where you can find Ms. What Can We Learn from This? Maybe we can teach her some things.
The guy then posted Andi’s full address.
Hill went cold all over, the idea that one of these psychopaths had been inside Andi’s kitchen shaking him to the core. “These sick fucks.”
“Yeah,” Christina said, taking her phone back. “I’m so glad you installed an alarm. That’s probably deterred more visits. But Andi needs to be made aware that her information is out there. This is going to become part of the break-in investigation now, so if I can find out who this asshole is, I can charge him. But until then”—she gave him a pointed look—“she needs to keep an eye out. And maybe you could put in some motion lights or a camera or two outside the house just to be safe. Someone could be creeping around in the dark.”
Creeping around in the dark. When Andi went home alone. Oh, God. “I have to go.”
“What?”
“Andi just headed home—alone. I need to go,” he said, already turning toward the door.
“Do you want me to come for backup?” she asked.
He wanted to say yes, but Chris was dressed up and here for a fun night. The chances of something happening to Andi when she got home were slim. Her information had been on the board for a while. If they were going to make a move, they probably would’ve already. “No, y
ou go have a good time. I’ll text or call if I need anything.”
She crossed her arms and nodded. “Okay. Be careful.”
“Thanks, Chris. For doing all of this.”
“Of course,” she said with a brief smile. “Andi seems great and you seem happy with her. I’m pulling for you guys.”
The words stung like vinegar in an open wound, but he forced a nod. “Thanks.”
With that, he was out the door. His heart was pounding fast, and electricity was moving through his veins. He knew it was unlikely Andi was in trouble at this very moment. And she wouldn’t be happy to see him on her doorstep, but something in his gut was telling him that he needed to get to her.
Right. Now.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Andi was a goddamned mess by the time she pulled onto her street. She’d mostly held it together in front of Hill, leaning into her anger and frustration instead of into the heartbreak she was experiencing. But as soon as she’d turned out of the parking lot of the event, all of her bluster had given way to the helpless feeling of knowing what she wanted and it being impossible to get.
Hill had danced with her, kissed her in front of everyone, and then told her he was falling in love with her. It’d been the most romantic evening of her life. She could tell none of it had been part of his plan. He’d seemed so overwhelmed by all of it, like the feelings had blindsided him. Knowing that she’d done that to him, that the stoic firefighter had been taken down by emotion for her had felt like magic, like she’d been filled up with helium and could fly.