by Robin Roseau
"I'm sorry," I said.
She laughed. "It only makes this day more joyful, but I am going to be very selfish now." Then her expression grew serious. "Yallameenara, it is not my nature to force you."
"Force me, what?"
She used the word from earlier. I smiled. "I don't know that word." But I moved just a little closer to her.
In reply, she caressed my cheek and bussed my lips briefly. Then her fingers moved to my tunic, and she helped me from it. I had loosened it as we descended from the cold into the warmth; I didn't know what had become of my cloak.
But my Prestainamatta put on a serious expression as she helped me from all of my outer clothing, even kneeling to me to pull my boots from my feet. Then she stood again, taller than I was, and looked into my eyes as she cupped my cheek.
"I wish us to share joy, Yalla, and love. It will be this way." And at that, she tugged, lightly, on the link we shared. "And it will also be this way." And she set a hand on my breast, still hidden by my under things. "Will you give yourself to me?"
"Yes, my Prestainamatta," I said. "I am entirely yours."
She needed no more encouragement than that. Her fingers found the remaining stays on my clothing, and soon I stood before her. Then she seemed to shimmer, and her clothing wafted away into mist.
She was absolutely perfect.
I smiled shyly.
Then she stepped forward, pulling me to her, lifting me up until I wrapped around her. She carried me to the altar and then set me onto my back, right on the altar, and then she climbed atop me.
Duties
I don't know what to call what we did. I was completely out of my mind for most of it. It would be a mistake to call it sex. It would be inadequate to call it lovemaking.
She filled me. She filled me with love and joy. And I took what she gave me, and I spread it further, all those in the Heart of the Goddess. I felt them gasp with the onslaught of emotions, and I felt as the emotions reflected, amplified, and poured back into me, and through me into the Goddess.
And then back to me, and through them, and through me, and through her.
We touched. I'm sure we touched. But I don't remember. I only remember being lost in the emotions and the shared passion that went on and on, for hours, I'm sure. It must have been hours. I don't think we touched that way.
Did we?
But slowly I became aware again. We lay on our sides, facing each other, pressed together. And it should have been firm beneath me, but it wasn't. My eyes were closed, but I felt her. I felt her through the link, and I felt everyone else.
"We're floating, aren't we?" I asked, my first words in a long time.
"Only a short distance," she replied. She laughed. "Oh, Yalla. Your mother never gave herself to me with so much abandon. Your grandmother, now, she was a different story. You are much like her in your passions."
I opened my eyes and looked down. The altar was six feet below us, and we floated easily in the air above it.
"You don't need to hold me?"
"To float? You are still so full of me it isn't entirely clear where I start and you end. You'll gently sink soon, I'm afraid."
I turned my head. "Please don't let me fall."
"I will never drop you, Yalla. Never. You may have no fear."
I smiled, and then I felt for my priestesses. They were spread throughout the Heart of the Goddess, two here, four there. Some were still lost, their minds drifting. Some slept. Others were awake, themselves again.
"I understand why you sent the younger acolytes away."
She smiled. "Daraminesha was quite surprised in her joy," she said. "Her first time as a woman, and it was during Myrasieartet." That was the word she'd used earlier. She smiled. "She will have questions. I wonder if she'll come to you or seek someone else for her answers."
"I'm not sure I know what happened," I said. "Wow." The Goddess laughed her joy. "Alta. I can't feel her."
"She does not yet feel she is yours," explained the Goddess. "Your princess doesn't, either. You are hers. She is not yours. Until she accepts that she is yours, your paths are uncertain. I thought she might accept."
"She knows me as much less than I have become," I said. "Did Alta get caught up in the Myrasieartet?"
"She is the only one here who didn't completely lose herself," she said. "What she received was only through touch, and touch from others and not directly from you. But yes, she was quite caught up." The Goddess smiled. "Can you tell where she is?"
I felt, separating the links, but I found none that attached me to her. "No."
"You need to be more subtle," she explained. "Feel for an echo."
It didn't take long after that. "She is with Larien," I said. Then I smiled. "And Terél."
"And?"
I felt further, and that took time. My link with Naddí and Féla was not as distinct. My eyes widened. "My entire household."
She laughed. "Just so. If they did not want such an experience, they should not have all stayed together in your chambers."
I joined her laughter, still full of joy and love, and then wriggled to be just a little closer to her. I closed my eyes and floated, lost again.
"We're sinking," said the Goddess a while later. "Call to your maids. Ask them to come help you."
"I'll get everyone."
"I'll help you," she said. "Here."
I couldn't quite tell what she did, but I felt the two links strengthen, and the rest stretched thin. And then together we wriggled the connections, and I said, "Naddí, Féla, if you can untangle yourselves, I need you."
I felt them stir from their pile of bodies. I felt them sit up. And then I felt their assent.
I let my thoughts drift. The Goddess shifted and kissed my forehead. "You may sleep, warm and safe, and tomorrow we talk."
Naddí and Féla found me, lying on the altar. The Goddess was long gone. They dressed me, and I stirred only enough to let them help me to my room. I was asleep nearly immediately, surrounded by many of the people I loved.
It felt like home.
* * * *
"Yal-la," someone was saying in a sing-song voice. "Wake up, Yal-la."
I reached out for the voice, encountering soft skin nearly immediately. "Hold me?"
"Surely there isn't room for me," was the reply.
I opened my eyes. The Goddess was kneeling before me. And I could feel bodies behind me. Someone was draped over me, and I think someone else was hugging my legs.
I smiled, languidly.
"Do you need more sleep?" the Goddess asked. "Please get up now."
"I'm sorry," I said. "Of course." I looked over my shoulder. It was Alta pressed against my back. I looked down to see Féla hugging my legs, Naddí spooning her from behind. Larien had her back pressed against Alta's back. Terél was nowhere in sight.
I slithered out from Alta, but Naddí woke as I tried to pull my legs from her.
"Go back to sleep," I told her. Obediently, she closed her eyes, but she offered a gentle smile.
I was in my bed clothes. I didn't remember getting into them. The Goddess pointed to slippers for me, and then she took my hand and led me to the door, tugging me to hurry.
We descended, the Goddess drawing me to the dining hall. When I arrived, I found a half dozen sleepy-looking priestesses, including Terél, Vérundia, and Hastiá. Everyone turned to me as we entered, and the Goddess let us come to a stop, pulling me beside her. I laid my head on her shoulder as she slipped an arm around me.
The priestesses moved to us. Someone -- I saw it was one of the younger acolytes -- handed me a cup of tea. I thanked her.
"You must eat," said the Goddess. "The earliest food is ready. And then we must meet with Vérundia. Everyone wants to talk to you."
"They want to talk to you."
She smiled. "It is the same thing. The ones who come early hope for more time."
"Will you give it to them?"
"Of course, Yalla. They have been without me for so long, and I
without them. I have been so lonely." She hugged me.
"I'm so sorry, Prestainamatta."
"You are here now," she said, kissing my cheek.
Around me, they were all smiling, some in puzzlement, some in pleasure. "You must think me quite mad," I said, "talking to open air."
Terél snorted. "Yes, crazy but able to float in the air," she said. "And drive us all insane with passion besides."
"Speak my words," said the Goddess. "Someone will translate if the younger girls cannot understand."
"I'm sorry," I said. I told her what Terél and I had said. She smiled and caressed me.
"Do you worry I am not real?"
"No."
"I think you do," she said.
"You made the statue. And we floated. And my hair."
"There are other possible explanations. You could have magic. You could invent me, and your magic could do these things."
I looked away, saying nothing.
"I cannot convince you," she said gently. "Even if you do not trust your own senses, you must believe on faith."
"I do," I said. I turned back. "It just seems so impossible that I am the key to all of this."
"You are not the key. You are my conduit and my voice. Someone must be. Why not you?"
I smiled, perhaps weakly, but I smiled and sipped my tea. "I have so many questions. Every moment, more occur to me."
"What just occurred to you?"
"Would you like a cup of tea?"
She laughed. "I enjoy it through you. My sustenance comes in other forms. Now, tell Vérundia you will eat, and then we will talk. She may have as much time as she desires, and if there is more left of the morning, she may invite others to talk. This afternoon is for you and me, and for some of your questions."
And so I repeated that to Vérundia, whose relief was evident. "Thank you, Prestainamatta. The food will arrive shortly. Will you sit, Yalla?"
I let them lead me to the table, and I took my seat, right in the center. The Goddess sat beside me, and no one, although I don't know how, no one tried to sit on top of her. Instead, they took their own seats all around us, Terél opposite me rather than beside me, with Vérundia beside her, and Hastiá next.
"I didn't tell them where you were."
"They can see how you interact with me," she replied. "But if anyone tried to sit here, she might find it rather difficult. Now, we have a few minutes before your breakfast arrives. I would like to know about the temple you made for us."
"Do you want me to tell you, or would you like Terél to describe it?"
"Oh," she said. "That is a lovely suggestion. I can see it through her eyes. Ask her, please."
I looked across the table. "She wants you to describe the temple in Marport. And I want you to be honest with your reactions. Please. It is important."
"Of course, Yalla," she said. Then her gaze shifted, and I knew she spoke into open air, but she was looking at the Goddess, more or less. "At first, we didn't understand. It isn't like any of your other temples." She turned back to me. "You said the truth."
"I did," I agreed. "Keep going."
She described the temple, and she described it as she and Larien would have first seen it, as it was coming together. Around me, the other priestesses fidgeted, and I thought they were worried the Goddess would be displeased. But she sat quietly and listened.
But then Terél said, "But we didn't understand. Oh, Prestainamatta, it's amazing. Not like the Heart of the Heart. It is simple. There is no ornamentation, and we didn't understand, but everything has a purpose. She had shelves made."
Terél explained everything, including how she and Larien had grown to love being in the temple. She finished by saying, "It is not just a place of worship and devotion. It is a place where we may just be. We sit there and talk for hours. Or read. We hold Yalla's lessons there, sometime in one place, sometimes in another."
The Goddess turned to me. "Ask her who else comes." I repeated that for Terél.
"Not many," she said. "Princess Juleena does. She comes to spend time with Yalla. They sit quietly, perhaps, both reading, but touching. Sometimes I find them standing in the space before your statue, staring out at the sea, or sometimes staring at the statue and talking. And a few times I've arrived to find Princess Juleena alone, talking to your statue, but she grows quiet when I step in."
The Goddess turned her head sharply to me. "Did you know this?"
"No. Prestainamatta, I pray to you daily. Do you hear me?"
"I do. It is faint, but it will grow stronger. I believe it will grow stronger, and I believe I will be able to speak to you, but it will be some time."
"I'd like that," I said.
"As would I," she replied. "Ask Terél who else comes to our temple."
"Lady Malta," Terél said. "Do you know who she is?"
"She is the chatelaine of the castle," I explained.
"I think she is more than that," replied the Goddess. "Who is she to you?"
"When I was first ten and eight years old, I received suitors, people who might wish to marry me. Larien was one."
"This I know."
"Lady Malta was another."
"So she is chatelaine so young?" the Goddess asked.
"There is an age difference," I said. I smiled. "She is not as old as Ulla, of course, and I enjoyed kissing her yesterday."
The Goddess cackled a laugh. "Not half as much as she did. Ask Terélmarestra to continue."
"She helped to create the temple, of course," said Terél. "She arranged workers and paid them." Terél talked about Malta and about some of the others who were seen in the temple.
"And Queen Ralalta?" asked the Goddess.
"She comes, too," Terél said. "She doesn't stay long. She-"
The Goddess turned to me. "What doesn't she say?"
"Queen Ralalta does not like to encounter Larien," I said sadly.
"Larien is gorgeous and very sweet. Why wouldn't Queen Ralalta wish to see her?"
"That's one of the things I need to discuss with you," I replied. I looked down at my food, feeling terribly uncomfortable.
"I need to understand, Yalla," the Goddess said gently. "Is it that you don't want to tell me, or you don't want to tell me in front of others."
"The second," I said quietly. "Well, and the first, but not as much."
"Then we will discuss it this afternoon. Ask Terél to continue."
It only took a few more minutes for Terél to offer her impressions of the temple. She ended with glowing praise, but then she bit her lip, growing silent.
"Does she understand your vision now, Yalla?" the Goddess asked. "I see our other priestesses do not understand.
I looked over. "I think she does. She described it better than I would have. It's not done. I don't want it ever done."
"Change," she replied.
"Exactly. Change. I move things around. I move the frames with your words around."
"They are our words," said the Goddess.
"Yes. Our words. Only Prestainamatta stays in one place, and it is the first word someone sees when she walks in. I move the other words. And I encourage people to move their symbols, or to change them entirely." I smiled. "I bought a sculpture. It is small." I described it, and the Goddess clapped in delight.
"You will place this in our temple?"
"Yes," I said. "And it will move, but unless I encounter something that reminds me of myself even more, I will not replace it." I smiled. "That's also something I want to discuss with you."
"So many things," she said with another smile. "I want you to repeat my words exactly. Tell them."
"I will now speak our Prestainamatta's words," I said. "Exactly as she says them."
"Exactly as your accent allows," the Goddess said with a laugh. So I chuckled wryly and repeated that. "I am pleased. I did not know what you would create, but it is exactly what I wanted. I wanted a place where people would come, and stay. The Heart of the Heart is for rituals, but it is not a place to sit f
or hours at a time, and simply enjoy being surrounded by memories of me. It is perfect, my High Priestess, and I am very pleased."
I brushed a tear away by the end, and she leaned over and kissed the top of my forehead. "Now, tell Vérundia this. I wish all my priestesses to visit our new temple, one or two at a time."
I repeated that but said, "It is not yet safe for a citizen of Alteara to travel in Framara unless she travels with me. Terél and Larien do not leave the palace unless they are with me, and then we must take guards."
The Goddess sighed. "More for us to discuss," she said. "Ask Vérundia and Hastiá if they would like to travel to Marport when you return. Ullaméistra can handle things here until you return. If they wish to speak with Terél and Larien first, there is time."
Hearing the words, the two exchanged a look, and then they hugged tightly.
"That might be your answer," I said.
"I believe it may be," the Goddess agreed. "You have not eaten enough."
"I have eaten all I care for at this time, Prestainamatta."
She frowned, but then said, "Your maids are ready to wake. You may bathe and prepare for your day. I believe I would like to meet in the library. Tell Vérundia. And tell her to have small foods available for you. You do not eat enough."
* * * *
"Is she with you?" Vérundia asked a half hour later as we settled in seats in the library.
"She sent me ahead. She thought we should discuss the celebration."
"Terélmarestra tells me you are ready to perform the entire rite."
I paused before responding. "I don't know," I said. "What if I make a mistake?"
"You won't. If you wish me to stand with you, I will."
"But you would prefer to stand with Hastiá."
"We are here to serve you, High Priestess, and through you, our Prestainamatta."
"Perhaps we could practice. Once or twice. And then we could decide. But are you sure this is what you want, Vérundia? I have no desire to usurp your place."
"I have told you I am not jealous of authority. There is pride in leading the ceremony, but there is greater pride in helping to teach the next generation."
"Then we will practice. Do you wish to stand beside Hastiá, or across from her?"