by Ruby Dixon
As I do, I see another human female, this one standing apart from the others. Her hair is a strange orangey-red, her bleached skin dotted with spots. She holds a small boy’s hand, and there’s something distressing about her. The other females are small but healthy. This one is…not. Her eyes are sunken and her arms are very thin. Her belly is enormous, and she looks sickly. Her gaze meets mine, and I notice that her eyes are a much paler blue than Farli’s vibrant ones.
She’s dying, I realize. Fading away.
Her mouth curves in a gentle smile of greeting to me. A moment later, her eyes flutter, and she sags, then collapses to the ground.
I rush forward.
“Mama?” says the boy.
“Har-loh!” bellows a male. “No!”
I make it to her side before anyone else—maybe because I was watching her. The female is cold to the touch, her skin clammy. Her eyes flutter but remain closed. She feels light in my arms, too light compared to Farli’s strength.
One of the hunters rushes forward and snatches her from my arms. I think he’s going to attack me, but his entire focus is on his unconscious mate. He touches her cheek, panic and love in his eyes. “Har-loh,” he murmurs again. “Wake, please.”
A mesakkah female comes to his side, her face solemn. She puts her hand to the orange-haired female’s brow and looks unhappy. “Her khui is fading. It is too hard for her to carry her kit. It takes too much out of her.”
I look over at Niri.
She meets my gaze, stony-faced. After a moment, she gives a subtle shake of her head. She doesn’t want to get involved. Neither Trakan nor Chatav are speaking up, either.
Kef that.
“We have a med bay on our ship,” I tell them. “We can take her there and see if it’s not too late to fix whatever is ailing her.”
Farli rushes to my side, hope in her eyes. “Do you think they can fix Har-loh like they did Chahm-pee?” She turns to the male and nods encouragingly. “They healed my dvisti, Rukh. And so fast. You would not think he’s hurt at all.”
The male—Rukh—turns his gaze to me. There is agony there. “Please.” He offers his mate back to me, and I take her in my arms.
How can I refuse?
“I’ll show you the way,” I tell him. I cut through the happy gathering, Farli and Rukh trailing behind me. As I pass, Niri reluctantly gets to her feet and follows. The captain looks frozen, and I know why—running the med bay machines is expensive, and each of the treatments it doles out ends up using precious supplies. He’s probably seeing credits go out the door at the thought of healing one of the locals, credits we don’t have.
I don’t care. I’m not going to sit by and watch someone die when we have the ability to save them.
Not again. Never again.
8
FARLI
My mate has such a kind heart.
I do not know why the others from his ship did not act the moment Har-loh collapsed, but he took action right away. He helped bring Har-loh directly to the ship itself and laid her in the same bed that Chahm-pee was healed in. This time, though, it gets sucked into the wall and all the screens light up as it runs tests. I can tell Rukh is panicking, so I pat his arm and try to keep him calm as Mardok explains what the machines are doing.
We all knew Har-loh was struggling and that her khui is not as strong as most. We knew the pregnancy was hard on her. I just did not realize how hard. Looking at Rukh’s devastated face, though, I think he knew she was not well. I see sadness but not surprise.
The thin healer of Mardok’s small tribe, Niri, eventually enters med bay and shoos us all out. We are just in her way, she says, and closes the door on us. Then it is just myself, Mardok, and Rukh. Mardok takes us to the dining hall and gives us bland food and funny-tasting water. I try to eat to be polite, but Rukh just stares ahead at nothing. I hope his little Rukhar is not crying. Jo-see will try to keep him occupied. She is good with the kits.
Time passes, and Mardok sits down next to me. He looks stressed, my mate. The lines of his face seem to be deeper and sadder than ever. I take his hand in mine, and he holds on to me tightly. It is like he needs comforting, too. So I put my head on his shoulder and let my fingers run up and down his arm. Just a light touch, just to let him know I am here, at his side.
Niri comes in a short time later. Rukh jumps to his feet, his big body trembling with worry. “How is my mate?” he asks.
“She’s weak,” Niri says in that flat, unfriendly voice of hers. I wonder how someone so impatient with people can be a healer, but I suppose not all that are called are kind and gentle like Maylak. “She has a very large malignant mass in her brain that is pressing against her frontal lobe, and it looks like it’s been there for a while. I take it humans aren’t technologically advanced enough to remove it?”
I am surprised to hear such a thing, but Rukh only nods. “She said it has been there a long time, and the khui keeps it at bay.”
“Well, it’s failing,” Niri tells him bluntly. “Do you want me to remove it? The mass? I can do it, but…” She looks over at Mardok.
I look at him, too. I do not understand. If we can save her, why do we not do it?
“But it’ll be expensive and the captain won’t like it?” Mardok’s voice is bitter. “I don’t care. Dock my pay. Just save her. I can’t believe you even have to keffing ask, Niri.”
“I don’t work for you. I work for Chatav,” she retorts. “But I’ll do it as long as her husband signs a release that this is what his woman wants.”
“Anything,” Rukh says tightly.
Niri nods. “Come with me, then. I’ll show you where to input your signature.”
They leave, and then it is just me and Mardok. “I do not understand,” I tell him softly. “Why did she hesitate?”
He just shakes his head. “It’s complicated. Too much worry over money and job security. It’s what happens when you get rescued by four loners.” The smile he gives me is faint. “None of us are very good at being compassionate.”
I think he is very compassionate, but it is clear he is troubled, so I do not press the matter. There will be time enough to discuss it later. “As long as your heart is good, it does not matter.”
“My heart is not good,” he says. He turns and cups my face in his hands, his strange, pale eyes wild. “Most of the time I’m just…tired. Existing. But around you, I want to be better. I want to be more than what I am. Is it crazy to be this addicted to someone I just met?”
“It is resonance,” I tell him happily.
“Even without a khui?”
I shrug. “Does it matter? You are my mate and I am yours. That is all we need.” He will have a khui soon enough. I talked with my father and the other hunters while Mardok sat at the fire, and they agreed to do a sa-kohtsk hunt the moment I give the word.
He kisses me. I am surprised when his lips brush against mine—because I have always initiated our contact—but his tongue presses against the seam of my mouth, and I am lost. As my khui sings to him, we kiss, lips and tongues entwined. It is like nothing I have ever felt before, and I am always hungry for more of it, even when we break apart.
“Stay with me tonight,” he murmurs. “Either here on the ship or in the village.”
I nod. It is no hardship to be with him. As long as I can lie in his arms, I do not care where we are. “Of course.”
He presses another hard, fervent kiss to my mouth. “Stay with me. Forever.”
I kiss him back, dragging my fingertips along the stubble of his scalp. At first I thought his lack of hair strange, but I find the feel of it against my skin arousing. “Always. We are mated. You will get a khui, and then you will resonate to me and all will be as it should. You can move into my house with me. It is small but pleasant.”
Mardok pulls back, his delicious, fascinating mouth flattening. “I want you to come with me.”
“With you? Where?” Surely we cannot leave now, not with Har-loh in med bay—
He shakes
his head. “I mean when we leave here. Come with me. Leave this planet behind.” His fingers twine in my mane, and he presses more light, dizzying kisses to my face. “Be at my side, always.”
“I cannot leave,” I tell him softly. He does not yet understand how a khui works, it seems. “I was given my khui many, many years ago. Once a khui is placed inside someone, it cannot be removed. If I take it out, I will die. If I leave, it will die. I must remain on my world.”
He presses his mouth along my jawline and then moves to nip my ear. I gasp, because when his teeth brush over my lobe, it sends sensations skittering through my body and distracts me from his next words. “We can remove it.”
It takes a moment for me to realize what he is saying. I pull back, gazing up at him, surprised. “What do you mean, you can remove it?”
“The med bay. It can remove it, easily. You can have it taken out, and then you can come with me.” He grins as if this is a wonderful thing. “Don’t you want to see the stars? Other worlds? There are some that are so warm and pleasant that it’s like being wrapped in a blanket. There are worlds where there is no such thing as snow. And beaches as far as the eye can see. I bet you’d love beaches.”
I shake my head, pulling away from him. I take a few steps, because I need time to think. “You would take my khui out of me?”
“It can be done. I promise you wouldn’t feel a thing.”
“But…” I touch my chest, where it is singing even now. “It is what connects us. It is what makes us mates. If I remove it, we are just…two people who do not resonate.”
“You just said it doesn’t matter, Farli. That as long as we choose each other, that is all we need.” Mardok approaches me, puts his hand over mine, where I have it pressed over my heart. “I don’t care if you have this or not. I don’t care if you never sing another note. What you and I have feels special. It feels right. And I want to be with you. Not just for a day or two while I’m here on this planet. For good. Forever.”
My heart feels as if it has been clawed to shreds. What you and I have feels special. But…what if my khui is removed and it feels like nothing? Terror lances through me at the thought. Remove it? Lose my bond to him? But if I don’t…he will only be here for days. “You could stay,” I say softly. “Stay with me.”
He blanches.
I hurt, deep down in my soul. “Oh.”
“It’s not you, Farli. It’s…me.” He glances around, as if he can see outdoors. “I can’t be left behind. I can’t. Not here. It’s so keffing cold that it makes me feel numb. The suns barely come out. And your people have little to no technology. I’m a mechanic—what would I do? I bring nothing to the table, no skills of value.”
“I do not care,” I cry out, my heart breaking. “You can still be my mate. I can teach you to hunt.”
Mardok looks sad. “If I stay here, I leave behind everyone and everything I have ever known.”
“If I go with you, I do the same.”
We are both silent. He will not stay and I…I am not sure I want to go.
MARDOK
The human Harlow will live.
That’s about the only good thing to come out of the afternoon. Niri finishes her work late in the day, and by that time, several of the tribe have arrived. Vektal and his wife are closeted with Chatav, and Trakan has made friends with a pair of hunters called Bek and Vaza. Two humans named Maddie and Lila have brought Rukhar to visit his mother, and Rukh has not left his mate’s side. Harlow looks better post-surgery, though a long strip of her orangey hair has been shaved away. She sleeps, with her family watching over her.
Farli has not spoken to me. Not since I suggested removing her khui. I had no idea she viewed it as an integral part of her life. I guess I’m still struggling to see it as anything other than a handy parasite. But to her, it has created a bond between us, and if she has it removed, we lose that bond. She doesn’t want to lose it.
I…I don’t want to lose her.
We’re at an impasse. I tell myself maybe I should consider staying here on the ice planet, but the thought makes me shudder. Left behind? Watch the ship depart, knowing I’ve been abandoned for good? The thought makes me sick in my gut. Staying here is a one-way ticket. There will be no rescue, not ever. I would be here for the rest of my life, eating meat and saying goodbye to the warm sunshine of a summer day. It would change…everything.
It is my worst fear, and yet…
And yet I am obsessed with Farli. I hunger for her. I might even love her, though it’s hard to say after only knowing her for a day, but is it enough to turn my back on everything I have ever known and embrace a primitive life? I don’t know if I am that man.
More than anything, I hate that I’ve hurt her.
Even now, I am drawn to her. She sits with the two human females. They stare at each other and their hands gesture, and after a moment, I realize it is a primitive sort of signal language that they all know. I approach, unable to stay away. “Do you need anything?”
The blonde one looks to her darker-haired sister and makes gestures. When she gets a response, she shakes her head. “We’re fine.”
Farli is silent. She will not look at me. I feel as if I have somehow betrayed her trust, and it does not sit well with me. Already I miss her cheery smiles and boundless joy. She should not be sad. Not ever.
“I, ah, noticed you gesturing,” I say to the blonde sister. “Is it a signal language of a kind? Do you need a language file to learn to speak Old Sakh? That’s what Farli and the others speak.”
“My sister Lila is deaf,” Maddie says. “We’re actually waiting to talk to Niri, to see if she can help.”
Oh. “Your sister cannot hear?”
The dark-haired one gestures something and smiles.
“Not a thing,” her sister translates. “But she does read lips a little. And guesses a lot.”
Lila smiles at me. She begins to gesture again, and Maddie translates, taking a moment between words for her sister’s signing to catch up. “She wants to know if you think Niri’s medical computers can fix it.”
“I would imagine so. I’ve never met anyone that suffers from deafness.” The thought of being unable to hear and struggling to survive on the planet seems like a double issue to me. I cannot imagine.
Her sister translates with a few gestures, and Lila keeps signing. “She says that it’s not a problem for her. That she doesn’t feel broken. But her son does not understand why Mama does not hear him. She would like to hear his voice.” Maddie gives me a rueful smile. “And she says her sister is pushing her to do it, too.”
“Her mate?”
“Not her mate. He likes her how she is. He is fine with whatever decision she makes. It is her life.”
I nod slowly, and somehow, I feel worse. Lila’s mate loves her enough to not care if she can hear him. He does not mind if she lives missing one of her senses, if that is what she chooses. And yet, the thought of staying behind on this planet…it fills me with an aching dread.
It’s not the same as Uzocar IV, I remind myself. It’s not. I would be left behind by choice, not by mistake. It’s not the same.
But the knot of dread remains in my gut all the same. I smile faintly at the women, but my mind is in other, darker places. I’m back on Uzocar IV, with that same trapped, helpless feeling. And I can’t stay here, not with Farli’s sad eyes making me feel like I’m making a mistake.
I need to leave. To get a breath of fresh air. Something. Her disappointment eats at me, and I can’t take it. I exit the room, escaping out into the shadowy passages of the ship.
Even here, though, I cannot escape. Vektal and his mate stand with the captain by the ship’s exit hatch. The primitive chief’s arms are crossed and he doesn’t look pleased. His wife looks distressed, and her hand is hooked into her husband’s belt, as if she’s afraid of losing him, even for a second.
Captain Chatav is oblivious to the mood of his audience, though. He holds a mug of his favorite drink and stands proudly
, as if he’s delivering a speech to soldiers. “Any of your people that wish to return with us, of course, will be given that option. Even though it is very costly, we cannot abandon a people in need on this gods-forsaken planet. I am sure we can be compensated for our time, fuel, and supply expenditures in some fashion.”
“Your offer is generous,” Georgie says politely as I walk past. “But I’m not sure that there is anyone willing to take you up on it. The khui would have to be removed, and the bond is an emotional one as well as a physical one. I’m not sure anyone wants to lose that. Even though we were stranded here, we’re happy.”
“Nonsense,” Chatav says. “This planet is a deathtrap and barely habitable. There are so many other locations you could choose to colonize if you so wished.”
Georgie glances at her husband, but he appears lost in thought.
“We’ll think on it,” she says eventually. I don’t stick around to eavesdrop. I can tell just what Vektal is thinking without him saying a word. He won’t leave, but it doesn’t mean that he won’t encourage his wife or children to seek out a better life if one is to be had. He’s going to think of what’s best for them and not for him.
It’s what I’d do for Farli.
Or…is it? Am I being selfish in wanting her to go away with me? I just…can’t picture growing old here on this planet. Living every day huddled away from the ice and snow. Wearing leather and eating meat like a savage beast. There are better lives out there to be had. Farli would love the beach. I imagine her in a tiny swim outfit, soaking up the warm weather. I envision her taking a pleasure cruiser through the stars and showing her the sights. Wouldn’t she love that? She has a sense of adventure and a hunger for new things. Staying here on this iceball of a planet limits her.
I can’t be wrong in this. I can’t.
I head toward my quarters, but as I do, I see Trakan and two of the hunters hanging out in the lounge. He’s showing them how to run one of the electronic gaming boards, though neither hunter seems very interested. Trakan spots me and jogs out of the room into the hall. “Hey, good, I was looking for you.”