Ariel’s Antics

by Robyn Peterman

  “I believe in you,” Kurt said, limping over and putting his hand on my shoulder. “Do you want me to help or go get our dirty grundies?”

  I paused and considered for a long moment. The fact that my brother would stand behind me in a sure death situation made me love him even more. However, I would never admit that sentiment out loud. It was girly to share feelings. I was all man. And I was probably about to be a dead man but that was the price I would have to pay.

  “No, this is a one Selkie job. If I die, go find Mom and Dad and make them feel guilty—really, really, really guilty. You feel me?”

  “I feel you,” Kurt said solemnly, still nursing his balls. “You’re my hero. You’re my Aquaman.”

  As my eyes welled with emotional tears, I punched Kurt in the head so he wouldn’t notice. “Get the laundry, turd knocker. I’m going in to free the innocent lobsters. Wish me luck.”

  “May Aquaman be with you every step of the way. And if you perish, I’ll trim all the bastard’s bushes into erect body parts before I depart to guilt the shit out of our parents for deserting us and causing your untimely death. I love you, Keith.”

  “That’s kind of a weenie thing to say at a time like this,” I pointed out.

  “Yeah,” Kurt agreed with a shrug and a grin. “But no one can hear us, so I figured it was cool, assdonk.”

  Nodding, I glanced around to make sure the coast was clear and then quickly hugged my brother. After a brief and awkward man hug, we beat the heck out of each other for two minutes to negate the fact that we’d touched each other in affection. We were now bloody and bruised. It was right and I felt at peace. If I died today while freeing dinner, my brother would know I loved him and I was fairly sure I’d just broken his nose. The only thing missing in my life was the blue haired Mermaid that wanted to lop my Johnson off. Whatever, I had to work with what I had…

  All was pretty good with my world.

  “Go quickly, dongbucket” I instructed. “I might need you as backup once I break the lobsters out. Depending on how many hostages there are it might be a clusterhump getting them back to the ocean. Plus those little bastards pinch.”

  “I’m on it,” Kurt said as he limped away, nursing his bleeding nose and his aching balls. “You’ve got this, bro.”

  “Yep,” I replied with far more confidence than I felt.

  It was beginning to seriously suck being able to communicate with all the creatures of the sea. It was so much easier to sleep till noon and ignore my unwanted, pain in my ass freaky talent. Our parents knew not to cook fish or crustaceans. Life was uncomplicated… and kind of boring if I was being truthful.

  Shite. Wait a freakin’ waterlogged second… was that why I’d stayed in my parent’s basement for three hundred years? To get away from having to save the swimming world? To be safe? To be bored?

  Conundrums gave me headaches. I’d think about that later… or possibly never.

  I had some fucking lobsters to save.

  May Poseidon’s hairy green ass be with me.

  7

  Ariel

  “It’s worth a shot, guys. We don’t have a lot of options here,” I said, pleading my case. “Let me go talk to them.”

  My sisters and friends were quiet as we strolled the white sandy shore and mulled our conundrum. The late afternoon sun made the teal blue ocean appear as if it was filled with glittering diamonds. Even the Sea Hags didn’t smell quite as bad as usual. The salty air calmed my frayed nerves, but I longed to let my tail come out and play so I could take a swim in the cool crystal waters. However, we still had a large problem to solve. Frolicking would have to wait.

  As I waited for some feedback, I made a list in my head. All I really needed was a location, I’d pull the rest out of my butt as I went along. That was how I liked to roll. I was getting off this island come hell or high tide. Yes. It was gorgeous. Yes. All the people I loved were here. Yes. It was my home. But if I didn’t find the idiots who could negotiate with the Krakens, there would be no island left to call home.

  And far be it from me to admit that the thought of seeing that asswipe Keith again made me all shivery inside. Gods, I really needed to make an appointment for a thorough mental examination.

  “Dudette, the minute we tell them we have a Kraken issue, they’re out of here,” Madison pointed out. “That’s a million smackaroos down the toilet.”

  “So be it,” Tallulah said with a sigh. “It’s the right thing to do.”

  “You never know,” Pirate Doug chimed in. “Selkies are freaks. The weirdos just voluntarily relocated to an island full of vicious, colorful, swimming hookers. They might enjoy a violent Braken attack.”

  Closing my eyes, I breathed in through my nose and out through my mouth. It would be bad form to castrate the dolt especially since he was making my sister very happy in the nookie department, but there was no way in Poseidon’s Seven Seas he was getting away with that crappy comment.

  “Can I please zap him?” I begged Tallulah.

  “Yep. Be my guest.”

  Raising my hands to the sky, I grinned as Pirate Doug screamed and took off at a sprint followed by his crew of arses. They were fast, but I was faster. Releasing a glittering blast of crystal blue magic, I aimed right for his ass and the asses of his idiot arses. Bullseye.

  “That was mean, Ariel, ya blue-haired wench,” Pirate Doug shrieked over his shoulder as he hightailed it to the ocean to put out the magical butt fire. “What in Poseidon’s underpants did I say wrong? Mermaids are insane.”

  “He’s a dumbass, but he’s my dumbass,” Tallulah said with a shake of her head. “You ready to greet our new inhabitants?”

  “You mean scare the whiskers off of them?” I asked.

  “Well, that too,” Tallulah said with a laugh.

  * * *

  “Sweet Mother of Pearl on fire in Hell, could you please repeat that?” the male Selkie named Kenny shouted, looking as if he was going to pass out while glancing around wildly.

  The female, Kate, also seemed perturbed and had paled considerably. “I’m not following this conversation. You mean they’re here? I thought we’d covered our tracks far better than that. This is impossible,” she said, fanning the air frantically and breathing through her mouth.

  Remembering my manners, I snapped my fingers and conjured up two clothespins for our new arrivals. The Hag stench was brutal and this was not the finest way to greet our newest neighbors.

  “Thank you,” Kate gagged out and immediately plugged her nose. Her mate Kenny was quick to follow.

  The Selkie couple was very attractive and extremely wary—or maybe terrified would be a more accurate description. I suppose it would be alarming for anyone if four Mermaids, four Pirates with large holes singed through the backside of their breeches and two smelly Sea Hags showed up on their front porch the first day they’d moved in, but we were in trouble. Hopefully the bizarre Selkies would be the key to our success.

  My plan had been for me to go to them alone, but I was voted down. It was all my idea to talk to the Selkies who’d just paid a cool million to live on our island. I was quite sure they were regretting that move right now if the expressions on their faces were anything to go by. But if it was true that no two Selkies had the same name, there was a distinct possibility that they may have heard of Keith and the other Selkie who could communicate with Krakens.

  Even though we arrived en masse, I was taking the lead.

  Glancing over at Tallulah, my sister nodded her head. The poor horrified Selkies needed a way out. I just hoped they could help us before they hauled ass to another island.

  “Look, Kenny and Kate,” I said, keeping my movement slow and steady. They were the jumpiest Selkies I’d ever come across. “We’re willing to completely refund your money—all of it. The Mystical Isle is about to be a shitshow. Some pissed off Krakens are headed this way to seek retribution. We’re just hoping you might be able to enlighten us to the whereabouts of the Kraken Whisperers before you reloc
ate to another island.”

  “The what?” Kenny asked, squinting at me in confusion.

  “The two Selkies that can help us save our island—the Kraken Whisperers,” I explained as Kenny’s grin of disbelief grew wider.

  “And you think Keith and Kurt are your heroes?” he demanded, elbowing his mate and doing his best to swallow back his hysterics. “They’re imbeciles—lazy, good for nothing moochers who destroy property and eat people out of house and home. Losers.”

  “That’s kind of rude,” I snapped. I mean I agreed, but I had a right to. Keith had asked me to do his laundry in the middle of the best boink of my very long life. Of course I had no clue who Kurt was, but if he was anything like Keith, he was an assknob. However, I didn’t like ol’ Kenny’s attitude.

  “I’m just getting started,” Kenny said as his mate gave him a look that should have been his cue to shut his cakehole. “Those boys are menaces to society—total wastes of space. You’d better start searching elsewhere if you need a hero.”

  “Kenny,” Kate hissed and zapped him with an electrical current of silver magic that made his squeak like a girl. “Enough.”

  “So you know them?” I asked, stepping back just in case Kate was keen on handing out punishments.

  “Possibly,” Kate admitted wearily. “However, as obnoxious as my mate is behaving, he’s correct. Keith and Kurt are not heroes—more like overgrown children.”

  “Tell me something I don’t know,” I muttered with an eye roll.

  “You know Keith and Kurt?” Kate inquired with interest.

  “I kind of know Keith,” I said, staying vague and avoiding eye contact.

  “Aye,” Pirate Doug chimed in, pointing at me and grinning from ear to ear. “Ariel boinked the one called Keith. Pretty sure she still likes him.”

  “Shut up, you butthole,” I hissed. “That is unnecessary information. Suffice it to say, I’ve met Keith. He’s a jackwad and I’ll be castrating him after he whispers to the Flackens.”

  “Krakens,” Pirate Doug corrected me.

  I wanted to decapitate my brother-in-law, but he was actually correct for the first time in… umm… forever.

  “Right. Krakens. My bad. Keith’s still an ass though.”

  Kate and Kenny exchanged looks and then slow grins spread across both of their pretty faces. I didn’t like it one little bit. Something was going very wrong here.

  “So you like Keith?” Kate asked looking so hopeful I almost felt sorry for her.

  “Umm… nope,” I replied, wondering about her sanity. “Hate his guts.”

  Kenny shrugged. “Fine line between love and hate. If I’m recalling correctly, you hated my guts for about a hundred years before I convinced you to be my mate,” he said to Kate.

  “Two hundred,” Kate corrected him, with her eyes still on me. “You’re unmated?”

  “That’s none of your business,” I told her. She was nuts. What was happening here?

  “Aye,” Pirate Doug informed the Selkies. “Ariel is as scary as a blue-haired, bandana-wearing platoon splinter. Finding that wench a mate is gonna be a peg-legged bow bungler on a tricorn-sportin’ stern fowler.”

  “I didn’t understand a word of that,” Kate muttered, perplexed.

  “No one did,” I cut in before Pirate Doug could translate and reveal more of my private life to the strange couple. “He was dropped on his head as a child—regularly. All I want to know is the location of Keith and Kurt.”

  “Will you kick their asses?” Kenny asked with a raised brow.

  “And if I do?” I shot back.

  “I’ll pay you,” he replied. “How much would you like?”

  “Kenny,” Kate grumbled in a warning voice and zapped him again. “We might know where they are, but it will cost you.”

  “How much?” I asked, narrowing my eyes at them.

  They had some freakin’ nerve. Pirate Doug had been correct about Selkies being weirdos.

  “Not a cent… in money,” Kate said, looking me up and down.

  “Not following,” I replied warily. Was the Selkie hitting on me? That was all kinds of bizarre and every kind of uncomfortable. She was mated, for the love of Poseidon’s sobriety or lack thereof.

  “We will tell you where to find Keith and Kurt if you agree to kiss Keith,” she replied.

  I was stunned to shocked silence as was the rest of my group. This Selkie was blackmailing me into kissing a nard? Why? What was in it for her?

  “Are you serious?” I shouted.

  “No, she’s Kate the strange fucking Selkie,” Pirate Doug volunteered.

  Once again Pirate Doug was correct. Kate and Kenny were whacko.

  “No can do,” I snapped. “I already boinked Keith as my brainless brother-in-law unhelpfully pointed out. And do you want to know what he did?” I demanded, crossing my arms over my chest and giving Kate the evil eye ball.

  “Not really,” Kate replied with a wince.

  “He asked me if I would do his laundry right in the middle of it,” I shouted, ignoring her request. “What kind of dumbass does that? And why in the Chicken of the Sea would you want me to kiss him?”

  “You’re rude, gorgeous, wonderfully fashion forward and you have a tremendous set of balls,” Kate said.

  “Thank you,” I replied. There was no reason not to be polite when complimented.

  “I like you,” Kenny added.

  “You don’t even know me,” I told him, exasperated. “Are you two right in the head?”

  “Absolutely not,” Kate confirmed. “However, you don’t seem exceptionally sound of mind either.”

  “Aye,” Pirate Doug agreed. “Nutty as a galley-hoppin’ arthritic octopus.”

  “Pie hole,” Tallulah snapped at her mate. “Shut it or the Johnson will pay.”

  Making the international zip the lip sign, Pirate Doug grinned and conjured up a solid steel pecker protector.

  Crap. The Selkies were correct about me not being quite right in the head.

  Of course, I had no clue what Pirate Doug had just said, but sadly it was probably true as well. None of us were entirely sane. I mean, how could anyone who had lived for hundreds of years be completely stable? However, on a scale of one-to-crazy, the Selkies were much closer to crazy than I was.

  “I’m still not clear why kissing Keith is a requirement,” I said, trying to sound reasonable even though I wanted to hurl a deadly glitter fish bomb at our new neighbors’ heads.

  I was this close to blasting the Selkies with magic bolt that they would never forget. Only the thought of the Krakens destroying everything we’d built stopped me from zapping Kate and Kenny bald and adding a few extra flippers. Plus, the idea of kissing the idiot was secretly thrilling.

  “The requirement stands,” Kate replied. “I’ll say no more. The choice is yours, Mermaid Ariel.”

  Glancing over at my sisters, I shrugged. Kissing the dummy would be very dangerous. If a Mermaid kissed their true love—which clearly Keith wasn’t mine—the kiss-ee would be automatically bonded to the Mermaid. But since I didn’t like him—at all—a kiss should be no problem. Besides, if he had to work with the Krakens, he’d have to come to the Mystical Isle and my sisters would have my back.

  I knew I could handle kissing the best kisser in the world mentally. But emotionally? Well… that might be another story.

  Whatever.

  I was a big girl and Keith was just an idiot boy with a great bod and mad skills in the sack.

  Not a problem.

  Without consulting my smirking sisters, I looked Kate in the eye and raised my brow. “You win,” I said. “I can’t guarantee his safety, but I’ll kiss him as long as the jackoff comes through with the Krakens. I mean, the assgap is great in the sack even if he has the mentality of a ten year old. He’s definitely pretty to look at, but I’m guessing he was raised by sea slugs or something even worse.”

  Kate’s quick intake of breath was odd, but then again she was quite peculiar. “You won’t ki
ll him, will you?” she asked worriedly.

  “Maim him definitely,” Kenny insisted. “The boy heals up fast. You can even remove an appendage if you feel like it.”

  “Kenny, shut it,” Kate warned. “It’s fine if you rough him up a little, but please don’t kill him.”

  “Why do you care?” I snapped. “What is he to you?”

  She paused for so long, I felt like we were in a cheesy Lifetime movie—the kind I secretly loved. Her hesitation was so weighted we were all leaning forward to hear what she was about to say. And that’s when I started to feel a little nauseous.

  Wait a sea-faring second… The more I stared at Kenny and Kate the more my stomach cramped.

  This. Could. Not. Be. Happening.

  Kenny’s nose…

  Kate’s icy blue eyes…

  Kenny’s height…

  Kate’s dimples…

  Kenny’s blonde hair…

  Motherhumpin’ Chicken of the Sea. Quickly, I mentally went back over the conversation to figure out exactly what I’d said. Crap on a clamshell. If Kate was about to say what I was pretty sure she was gonna say, I wanted to burry my head in the sand for a century or three.

  Maybe I was incorrect.

  “Keith and Kurt are our sons,” she announced.

  And maybe not.

  “Holy shit,” I shouted, right before I hit the sand and passed out in mortification.

  If it ever worked out with Keith—which it wouldn’t because he was a nard—I’d started out on a really bad foot with the in-laws.

  A really, really, really big bad foot.

  8

  Keith

  “Seriously?” I muttered with a grin of surprise, quietly shimmying through the open window.

  The Crab really could use a good security system. I was able to slip in through the bedroom window on the first floor with ease—too much ease for my peace of mind… or lack thereof. Was the grizzly haired bastard expecting me? Nah. He was probably watching freakin’ Waterworld for the umpteenth time if his room décor was anything to go by.