by Toni Aleo
Soon.
Holding Lacey’s hand, Karson kissed the back of it as he turned onto their road. They’d had a wonderful night, full of fun and love. After a home-cooked meal of fried chicken and potatoes, they all hung out with the kids. Every second that passed, the harder Karson fell for Lacey. He was already insanely in love with her, but seeing her with Quinn, watching her wipe his nose and holding him when he started to cry, honestly pulled at every single one of Karson’s heartstrings.
He wanted to watch her with a child of their own.
A little girl with long dark hair and her green eyes, or even a little boy, tough like his daddy. He didn’t care; he just wanted to watch her grow their child, bring it into the world, and then love it with every single ounce of herself. She would make a great mother, and he knew he would make a great father.
He’d always wanted kids.
When Kacey was younger, before he turned into an asshole to her, he used to nurture her and looked out for her to the extreme. His mom would always joke that wherever Kacey was, Karson was right there beside her, making sure she was safe. He still did that a little now, but when they were younger, it was different. She was his baby sister. He had a duty to love and protect her. But then they got older and she turned really annoying, so he decided to beat her up most of the time. He smiled at the memories of tying her up to a tree or breaking her hockey sticks, or even sucking all the gas out of her car because he had run out of gas in his car. He was almost demonlike to her, but he loved her.
And he would love his own little human just like he knew Lacey would.
Kissing her hand again, he grinned over at her before pulling into the driveway. “Great night, I think.”
She grinned back, her face blissful as she nodded. “Yeah, I had such a blast. I just love that family. Really. Good people.”
“For sure,” he agreed as he shut the car off and got out. Running around the car, he helped her out and then into the house. As he hung their coats, he wondered if she had considered what they had talked about before. He hadn’t brought it up in some time; maybe it was time to try to talk about it again. As much as she may think they were rushing it, he didn’t think so. They were getting older, and he wanted to enjoy kids while he was young enough to do it. He didn’t want to be an old dad, unable to play hockey with his boy. He wanted to do it soon, and he hoped that she did too.
“Hey, wife,” he said and she turned around, grinning as she took steps backward to the kitchen. She looked positively beautiful. She was meant to be in this house, with their children running around them. It was going to be perfect.
“Hey, husband,” she answered back, her face bright and happy. It was the first time in weeks he’d seen her fully smile at him like that. It reminded him of the days they got married and when they bought the house. It was her true, from-the-heart smile. The one he was completely in love with. The one she blessed only him with.
“The kids are great, huh?” he asked, following her into the kitchen.
She nodded earnestly. “Yes, I love them dearly. The last couple times I’ve been there, I just feel at home. Elli is a great host, I think.”
“True, she is. Quinn took to you, hard-core,” he said as she handed him a bottle of water.
Her face lit up as she said, “Oh, I know, he’s my little sweetheart. I just want to squish his cheeks! He looks just like Elli, but then dark like Shea. It’s kinda awesome how adorable all of them are. A great mix of both of them.”
“Yeah, Elli is gorgeous.”
“She sure is, and Shea is a hunk,” she said with a sneaky grin that had him smiling harder.
“Oh, is that right? You got a thing for my cap?” he asked, only halfway kidding, but her teasing smile gave her away as she wrapped her arms around him, kissing his chin.
“Nope, only got a thing for you.”
He met his lips to hers, running his hands down her back before cupping her ass. Parting for breath, he got lost in her eyes as his smile pulled at his lips. She was everything he ever wanted or needed, and the thought of having a baby with her caused his heart to come out of his chest. Squeezing her ass, he said, “I know we talked about his before and we said we’d wait, but I’d really like to discuss having kids soon,” he said. As quickly as the words left his mouth, her grin disappeared and her demeanor changed. “See, why do you do that? What?” he asked as she moved out of his arms and reached for her water.
Taking a long pull of it, she shrugged her shoulders before expelling a breath and shaking her head. “I thought we were going to let this go for a while, just enjoy us.”
“I know, but I’d like to start trying maybe, I don’t know. I just always thought we would have kids by now.”
“Sure, but that was if we’d been together for the last nine years. We’ve been apart, Karson. It’s crazy just to jump into having kids,” she said; however he couldn’t help but feel like there was more.
“I don’t think it is. We love each other. We are financially stable and we both love kids. I don’t want to be an old dad. Just waiting till now has us at forty-eight when the kid graduates. I want to be able to play with my kid, ya know?”
“Yeah, I got you,” she said with a nod, but then she shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know, Karson,” she whispered. “I just don’t know.”
“What don’t you know?” he asked, eyeing her. “Why do you shut down on me every time we discuss this? I feel like you don’t want kids or something.”
As soon as the words left his mouth, he knew that they had some truth to them. But that couldn’t be. She loved kids; she would be a great mother, but even knowing that didn’t keep his heart from beating uncontrollably as he waited for her to answer.
Looking up at him, her eyes were swimming with tears, and he didn’t understand until she whispered, “I don’t.”
His head cocked to the side, and he was sure he’d heard her wrong, even though he knew he hadn’t. He’d heard her, but he still couldn’t believe it. “What?”
Her lip wobbled as she sucked in a deep breath. “Karson, I don’t want kids.”
His eyes squinted. “What? How? Why? That doesn’t make sense. You love kids.”
She nodded as a tear rolled down her cheek, dropping over her jaw onto her blouse. “I do, very much so, but I don’t want kids of my own.”
“Why?” he asked, unable to comprehend what was happening. It didn’t make sense. “How do you love kids but not fucking want them?”
Her lip wobbled some more as she looked down at the ground. “Can we let this go?”
“Fuck no, we are talking about this. I don’t understand.”
“What is there to talk about? I don’t want to have kids. I won’t have kids! So if you want them, good luck, ’cause you aren’t having them with me,” she yelled, looking up at him, her eyes drowning in tears. They rolled down her cheeks in streams as she heaved for breath, looking away and letting a sob leave her lips. “I can’t do it.”
“You can’t have kids?” he asked, but she shook her head, covering her mouth and leaving the kitchen. “That’s different, Lacey. Talk to me,” he said, taking ahold of her bicep and stopping her. “Don’t walk away from me. Talk to me.”
As she looked up at him, his heart went in his throat. She was suffering and he didn’t know what to do. Did he allow her to walk away and leave it alone? No, he couldn’t. He had to know. “Talk to me.”
Biting into her lip, she searched his eyes and then asked, “You really want kids badly, don’t you?”
“Yeah,” he answered with a nod, and her tears came faster as she shut her eyes. “But I want to know why you don’t. Or can you not? Tell me something here.”
“I can have them; I just refuse to,” she said through her tears, sniffling before wiping her nose with the back of her hand.
“Why? Tell me why,” he urged. “Why are you holding this back? It’s me!”
He could feel her heartbeat from where he was holding her arm. She was working h
er lip as she stared up into his eyes and he couldn’t breathe. He didn’t know what was happening, but he could see the light leaving her eyes, and he didn’t know why. He didn’t grasp what was going on.
“I’m afraid you’re going to leave me,” she whispered, her tears rolling down her lips. “Or that you’ll stay and be miserable.”
Taking ahold of her shoulders, he almost shook her as he said, “I’m not going any-fucking-where. Tell me what the hell is going on.”
Closing her eyes, she sucked in a deep breath, and he could see the tears caught on her eyelashes. Her face was red, her nose running, and he could practically feel her shaking. Opening her eyes, she met his gaze and said, “If we have a girl, she could get cancer. Like I did.”
His heart stopped. While he had never thought of that, he could see why this would worry her. “Okay, that’s understandable, but we could also have a boy or a girl who doesn’t have the genetic mutation. You don’t know. You can’t predict the future.”
“I don’t care. I refuse to do that to our child. I’m not having kids, Karson. Never.”
He stared into her eyes, not sure what to say. This was a sensitive subject, something he didn’t know anything about because he didn’t go through that. He didn’t know the fear, the pain, and the pure hell Lacey went through. He’d heard the stories; he held her when she cried. He’d made it his life goal to make sure she knew she was every bit a woman, and a gorgeous one at that, but he didn’t know what it did mentally to someone.
“So you won’t even consider it? Even though we have no clue what the future holds. They could find a cure,” he suggested, but still she shook her head.
“No. I’m not having any kids.”
Wiping her face, she stepped out of his grasp and let out a breath. He understood this was a tough subject and she had every right to feel this way, but what about what he wanted? He wasn’t trying to be an asshole, but shit, he wanted kids, and she was basically shutting him down without even considering the possibilities. Looking at her, he couldn’t really fathom this.
“You won’t even consider it for me?” he asked and she shook her head.
“I know you want kids, and I am sorry, but I can’t give them to you. I refuse to put my child through what I went through. I won’t do it.”
“Okay,” he said slowly, looking down at the ground. “What about—”
But before he could even finish his sentence, she said, “Karson, I’m fucking not having any damn kids, and if this is a deal-breaker, then it is, and I’ll pack my shit and go.”
“Whoa, slow your damn roll,” he said, a little taken aback by her outburst.
“No! You are pushing this on me and acting just like my fucking dad. I am tired of people telling me what I should do. I make my own decisions, and I’m not having kids!”
“But that’s the thing, this isn’t just your decision, it’s mine too. It’s my future too.”
“No, it’s my choice. I make the decision, and you get no damn say at all,” she snapped, wiping her face as her eyes burned with anger. “It’s my fucked-up body with its fucked-up mutation that can ruin our daughter’s life! I refuse to do it, Karson! Just say the word and I’m gone.”
He fucking hated that cancer. He’d despised it before, but even more so now. It had ruined his beautiful wife’s sense of self-worth, and he didn’t know what to do to make it better. But one thing was sure, he was pissed. As he glared, he shook his head. “I’m not saying any word, Lacey. I am trying to talk to you about this, and you are flying off the damn handle!”
“No! You are trying to make me do something I don’t want, and I won’t allow you. You keep telling me that I allow people to manipulate me, and that’s what you are trying to do. They won’t find a cure! If they could, they would have already, and then I wouldn’t watch women suffer every damn day. I wouldn’t have lost my breasts, I wouldn’t have felt like I was worthless, and I wouldn’t have thought when you left it was because I was defective. But I am defective! I can’t give you want you want, and I know that deep down inside, you don’t want me. Just like before. I know it was my dad’s doing, but you were going to realize it. It was bound to happen.”
He couldn’t even believe what he was hearing. “Are you fucking kidding me? Do you hear yourself? This is insane and you are being ridiculous.”
She glared as she pointed to herself. “Oh, now, I’m being ridiculous? Add it onto my list of fucking fucked-up things about myself!”
“Don’t forget stubborn, Lacey, because Lord knows you’re that!”
“Well, you’re an asshole!” she said and he rolled his eyes.
“Guess I am. Maybe even inconsiderate.”
“Oh, for sure, inconsiderate!” she yelled and he shook his head.
“You know what, no, I’m not. I fucking do everything to make sure you are happy, comfortable, and the most satisfied woman in the damn world. And no matter what I say, you put yourself down. When you need someone to pick you up, I’m there, and I would be there for you all the fucking time if you let me. But you hold these pieces of yourself and I don’t understand why. You hide behind these walls and allow your family to dictate your life, but when I want to talk about our future, you shut down on me and accuse me of being like them when we both know I am nothing like them. What am I doing wrong? Tell me so I can fix it. I want to be the man you deserve.”
“Maybe I don’t deserve you or anyone because I’m not even worth it. Obviously everyone thinks I can’t think for myself.”
“Are you serious right now? Do you want to throw a fucking pity party for yourself? Because I refuse to do it for you. Get it together, Lacey! Don’t let your cancer define you. It’s gone; you beat it. You are so much stronger than you’ll ever realize,” he urged, but she looked away and it irritated him to the core. “And stop listening to everyone else; listen to your heart. Do what you want because that’s what I want for you. I want you to be happy, but all I am asking is for you to have the consideration to include me in decisions that are life-altering. You are just shutting me out, not even giving me the chance to decide with you. We are supposed to be a team, but you went from being a team player to a one-man team, and it’s pissing me off, Lacey. Include me.”
“You say you want to be included and make a team decision, but every time I don’t agree with you, you blow up on me.”
“What! When did I blow up? Minus now?”
“You want me to do what you want, or it’s no way.” Her tears started falling in floods again as she shook her head. “And I won’t allow you to do that to me. I did it for years with my dad, and I won’t allow you to do it to me.”
Frustrated beyond belief, he shook his head “You know what, you’re delusional. I am the most patient man in the world; my dad calls me a fucking pussy, Lacey! I can sit here and say all this till I’m blue in the face, but you’re already shaking your head,” he said, completely disgusted with this argument. “You need someone to blame for you freaking out, and you are pushing it all on me. Whatever. When you’re ready to have an adult conversation, I’ll be in my man cave,” he said and then he turned, heading to his cave.
“Fine,” she yelled at his back.
“Fine,” he yelled back, and when he got to the door, his eyes met hers and he honestly almost gave in. He nearly went to her and wrapped his arms around her to comfort her, but that would be giving in to her. That would be condoning her immature behavior. For blaming him for everything when he did no wrong. He tried being supportive, he tried to talk to her about the whole thing, but she was so damn stubborn and didn’t want to hear a thing he wanted to say.
Fine. They could talk in the morning, and maybe then she’d talk to him rationally instead of flying off the damn handle. He understood that it was stressful and that she was scared, but damn, give him a chance to talk. To try to figure out some way to make her feel better about the whole thing. He could accept that she didn’t want to have kids—that was fine—he was going to suggest adoptio
n, but she wouldn’t even allow him to. It was whatever; they could talk in the morning.
But when he woke up, Lacey was gone.
Lacey was ignoring his calls.
Her phone had started ringing as soon as she landed, but she put it on silent and went straight to the women’s health center. As she stood at the podium in front of more than a hundred women who had either won their battle or were fighting for their lives, with tears in her eyes and love in her heart, she talked about strength and about loving yourself, but she felt like a complete fraud.
Where was this person last night?
Because the person who stood in front of Karson and yelled and screamed was a complete coward. Especially after leaving without even saying goodbye. She wanted to call and apologize, but she was so embarrassed. Karson was right. About everything, but she just flipped. She was tired of being told what to do, and she felt like he was going to do just that. He knew what he wanted, and he deserved that, but she couldn’t give it to him. Because of that, she put up the biggest wall in the world and placed all the blame on him.
It was her crutch. One she wasn’t proud of, but it always came out when she felt like the world was coming down on her. When her dad tried to control her, she shut down and conceded, the same with Rachel, even. But the only time she didn’t was when Karson was there, when he was supporting her, being her rock. But as he held her gaze last night, trying to suggest things that she had already thought of, all she saw was him saying fuck it and throwing her out. She wouldn’t back down from her decision, and she knew she owed it to him to talk it through, but in the end, she knew that he would decide that she wasn’t worth it.
So she left.
They needed some distance; she needed to think, and being around him, thinking wasn’t an option. He wanted to talk things out and fix them, but sometimes things weren’t fixable. This was one of those things. Maybe love wasn’t enough to hold them together, and that scared her. She had started to build a life with Karson, and like she had said last night, maybe she didn’t deserve it. Any of it.