by Ginger Scott
I just stared at him, trying to make sense of his behavior. “Thanks,” I said, my voice a little crackly from the rough night. I pulled the muffin from the bag, and picked small pieces off it and ate—not really hungry, but also unsure of what else to do in front of him; suddenly, everything about me felt raw and on display. I just looked back up and smiled. “It’s good. Blueberry.”
“Yeah. I know it’s your favorite,” he said, leaning against his opposite wall. We just stared at each other while I ate. Finally, he pushed off the wall and looked at his watch. “Hey, so, I have to get going with Trig. We have light practice today. But you’re going to the game, right? You’ll be there?”
He seemed intense all of a sudden, almost worried. Why was it so important to him that I was there now, after missing so many weeks? I shrugged a little and nodded. “Yeah, I’m going with Sarah,” I said, my insides sick that there was no way out of this now. I’d have to go—worse yet, the deep-down part of me really wanted to be there.
“Good,” he nodded once before coming over to stand right in front of me, my heart speeding up with every step he took. He put his hand on my shoulder and put his fingers under my chin to tilt my face up to look at him. He was holding his breath. He was…nervous? What the hell type of paradox had I fallen into? What the hell happened after I got in that Jeep last night? Then he leaned forward and placed his lips on my forehead. His soft touch made me shut my eyes to savor it. I also wanted to cry, something that seemingly happened at the drop of the dime lately. I just left my eyes shut, while he backed away, opening them to see him smiling at me again softly. “Okay, well…see you after the game.”
After Reed left the room, I sat on the bed and picked at the blueberry muffin a little more before attempting some of my juice. My stomach felt raw, so I didn’t force much down. I had lost a little weight over the last few weeks, and my clothes weren’t fitting like they were supposed to. When I realized that I didn’t have any clothes, I panicked a bit, and stood up to spin around the room to find a solution. My eyes zeroed in on the neat pile of my clothes from the night before folded on top of Reed’s dresser. There was a tiny note on it that read cleaned last night.
My heart skipped for a moment, an unfamiliar feeling in contrast to the gut-wrenching ache I’d been nursing. Unsure how I’d gotten here, both physically and emotionally, I did what I always do in these situations—I called the girls. We made plans to meet up at Becky’s, and Sarah agreed to come pick me up from Reed’s, though I couldn’t ignore the odd hesitation in her voice.
Once dressed and looking semi-decent, I cracked open Reed’s door to make my way downstairs, holding my breath as the kitchen came more into view. My stomach sank when I saw Jason’s back to me at the kitchen island. I hadn’t had much interaction with him over the years, but the last 24 hours would hold me for a while. I took in a deep breath and forced myself the rest of the way down the steps taking comfort that Sarah would be at the door any minute.
I didn’t make eye contact, only reached up to the cabinet to grab a coffee mug. But Jason wasn’t going to let me go without conversation.
“Hey, good morning, sunshine. Quite a display you put on last night, with your near strip tease,” he joked, holding his coffee just far enough away from his lips so he could spit out his biting comment.
I just turned and shrugged, a bit embarrassed. I wasn’t going to engage. I’d learned one thing from Reed about his brother over the years—Jason liked to spar. And if you didn’t put up a fight, he got bored quickly, and moved on. I turned back to the coffee and started pouring my cup.
“So…kinda awkward way for you to meet the rebound chick, no?” he said, his words hitting every nerve in my body. Not wanting to give him the satisfaction, I just let my muscles clench to take the impact of his fire, hoping it would soon pass, and I could just work out what he’d said with Sarah, Becky and Sienna.
“He did tell you about Jenny, right? Dylan’s cousin?” He wasn’t going to let this go. I turned to face him, the coffee cup to my mouth, masking the grimace on my face. I just shrugged again, and gave him a lopsided smile, but nodded no, honestly. No. I’d told him the truth, and given him the weapon he desperately wanted to destroy me with.
“Wowwwwww,” he let it drag out as he stood to wash his coffee mug, his back now to me. “Well, then, it must have really sucked to have found out last night. I mean, if he’s going to make himself feel better, though, might as well be with a girl like that. I don’t mean it in a crass way. What I meant was she’s so opposite of you. That has to make it better, right? I mean, if it was someone more like you, you’d feel like you were just being replaced.”
He just sat there leaning on the counter again, with a smug-ass grin on his face. I knew Jason was playing me. It’s what he did. He had some bitter war with Reed ever since Reed started seeing success in high school, and it had gotten way out of hand. But there was also always some layer of truth to his shots; he wasn’t a complete sociopath like Tatum. No, he collected bits and pieces along the way, and saved them up to use them against his enemies later, when they least expected it.
I heard Sarah pulling into the driveway, so I grabbed my purse and turned my back to Jason, and his satisfied fucking grin. Not wanting to let him completely get away with it, I sent one final shot over my shoulder. “Yeah, well you would know about being replaced, huh? Must have sucked when Reed filled your spotlight…and never gave it back.”
I walked out the door at my words and didn’t look back. I’d held it together in front of Jason, but once out of his view, I felt the life fleeing from my lungs. I was nearly hyperventilating when I got in the car with Sarah, who was rolling her eyes at me already, trying to punish me from my actions from the night before.
“Jesus, Noles. Just once I’d like us to get together without some fucking emotional scars, or wounds, that need tending to,” she said, sighing as I shut the door, and we drove off. She felt bad instantly, though, as she always did, and slid her hand over to squeeze mine. “Sorry, just a little frustrated. I didn’t mean it.”
“I know,” I said, biting at my lip and readying myself for everything new that I had to fill the girls in on.
We hung out at Becky’s for the entire day, just lounging and watching old movies. I’d filled the girls in on how Reed was acting, as well as the accusations and gossip Jason spilled on me before I left. Becky and Sienna were both hanging on every word I said during the part about Jason, but Sarah seemed less concerned. When I was done, she just got up from the couch and slapped her hands on her thighs in front of her.
“Pffft, Jason’s just an ass. He’s just trying to get to you…and by getting to you, get to Reed,” she said, turning to go fill her bowl with more chips.
“Yeah, but I did see Reed with that girl, and they were really close. She was flirty with him, like they knew each other. And it wouldn’t be the craziest thing that he did something with someone else while we’re apart…not that we officially broke up, but…shit, well? I guess we sort of did,” I said, hanging my head down and just searching for something to fill that raw and empty feeling I had in my gut every time I thought of Reed.
“Noles,” Sarah said, climbing over the back of the sofa to join our girls’ circle again. “Listen. I got in his face a little about her last night, and he swore there was nothing there. He promised…and I’m pretty good at reading people. He wasn’t lying.”
She just started eating her chips again and picked up the remote to start the next movie. I slid into the sofa cushions next to her and pulled my knees up to hug them. “I hope you’re right,” I said, sighing a little.
“I am,” she said, not even phased. Her confidence gave me a tiny lift, and I was going to ride that out for the rest of the night.
The ASU and UofA rival game was something special. And while I may have been a Sun Devil to the core, when Reed played, I was on his team—no colors, no sides. Just him. I rode up early with Sarah, Sienna, Sean and Becky; my parents were plannin
g to come up later. Buck had gotten them seats next to his, with most of the other boosters. They were comfortable, and would be out of the sun. Sienna was leaving us to join the band, which sat near the visiting team’s entrance for the game. Our seats were in the student section, so for tonight, I would wear red and blue, and show my support for the only man I’d ever loved.
Buck had a grill set up at the back of his truck parked near the stadium and was cooking for his alumni friends when we strolled up. He was starting to get around a little better now, his leg still in his cast, but he was able to stand propped up on his crutches. Rosie was with him today. I noticed how she cared for him, and it warmed my heart seeing Buck get the love and attention he deserved.
“There’s my girl,” Buck said, reaching out an arm to call me in for a hug.
“Hey, Buck. Good to see you standing,” I said, hugging him back and reaching up to kiss him on the cheek. He smiled at my gesture, and it made me feel sad that there might be a day in the future where this man wouldn’t be a part of my life. Reed left me confused this morning, and Jason left me feeling even more so. I didn’t know where I stood, where we stood. But for the first time since I’d called him and poured my heart out with confessions on his voicemail, I wanted to talk—the real, soul-baring kind of talk. And my heart skipped a little that Reed might actually want to listen.
“Hate to tell you this, darlin’, but your school’s going to lose today,” Buck winked at me, bringing me out of my daydream. Normally, I’d give it right back to him; our longstanding battle over who was superior among our Arizona schools, a tradition between us. But today I just had to agree with him, because deep down, I never wanted Reed to lose.
“I hope you’re right,” I said, smiling warmly. He understood, and just squeezed me harder.
We fixed our burgers and climbed into the back of Buck’s truck to eat. We were happily stuffing our faces—the quiet sounds of chewing, and faint sounds of the band and crowd in the background, the only other distraction until the rumble of another engine pulled up next to us. I turned to see who it was and came face to face with the girl I dreamt about last night. She was blonde, her skin was perfect, and when she turned to face me, our eyes meeting, she looked at me with clear recognition. But she wasn’t intimidated or ashamed. She was confident and acted as if she belonged here. Sarah’s words echoed in my mind, “Nothing’s there,” and “he wasn’t lying.” I played her words over in my head like a mantra, but my own self-loathing had me wavering. Hell, truth was, I wasn’t wavering, I was faltering, falling off a cliff. And when Jenny laughed and slung her hair over her shoulder—her bronzed shoulders, and blue eyes sparkling in the sun—I was suddenly transformed into my weaker, younger self, the girl who was never good enough.
“Hey, Pops,” I heard Jason shout to his dad as he climbed out of the truck. I ate my food in silence, just watching as Dylan and Jenny, the mystery girl, climbed out. I felt Sarah slap at my leg, trying to force me to stop obsessing, and reminding me that she had already vetted this girl, and had deemed her meaningless to Reed. I wanted to buy into Sarah’s sales pitch. But everything about Dylan and Jenny was manicured, and expensive, and perfect. She was gorgeous, even more so than I ever thought Tatum was. And she was everything I used to think Reed wanted…but I knew better now. At least, I thought I did?
I slid from the back of the truck to throw my plate in a nearby trash can, purposely walking the long way around to avoid Jason’s attention. I paused afterward for a while, to watch through the windows of the truck as Dylan introduced Buck to Jenny. He smiled at her warmly, bringing her into a friendly hug quickly.
“She’s Dylan’s cousin,” I reminded myself. “And the Nichols are like family. It’s nothing. The hug means nothing.”
I leaned against the truck for a while longer, just wanting a few minutes alone to settle my thoughts, when I was startled.
“So, I suppose you and I should meet,” I heard an unfamiliar voice say from behind me. I jumped a little and turned around to see Jenny’s perfect smile. Damn, she had a nice smile. It was warm and honest, the kind that could charm any man into giving her anything she wanted, and frankly, I was pretty sure I would give her anything, too. She just stretched out her hand, and I shook it, her grip firm but feminine, just like Dylan’s.
“Hi…uh…hi, I’m Nolan,” I said, suddenly wishing I’d stayed home. She just giggled a little at my awkwardness, and I hung my head a bit in shame.
“Yes, I know who you are. Dylan told me about you. You’ve known Reed for a long time, right?” she said, pulling a band from her wrist and twisting her hair into a bun on top of her head.
“Yeah, since high school,” I said, my insides screaming that I was his girlfriend, that we were in love, that we were going to be together forever. But I kept that all in my head, because I wasn’t so sure about any of it anymore.
“Well, it’s really nice to meet you. I’m in the box, with Dylan, so maybe I’ll see you after the game. We’re going to stick around for Reed,” she said with a wink as she walked away.
What the hell did any of that mean? Why was she here? Why was she sticking around for Reed? Was he expecting her?
Sarah’s pep talk to me had suddenly lost all of its power, and I felt flat and discarded. I slumped back over to my friends and remained silent until we got to our stadium seats.
I looked for Dylan and Jenny throughout the game, checking all of the skyboxes, but it was too hard to spot them from our crowded seats near the field. I forgot where I was for a moment with ASU’s fight song starting to play, but remembered quickly enough when the crowd around me began to boo. I stopped my clapping, and put my hands in my pockets, making a funny face at Sarah who had started to scream and cheer, until she realized we were in enemy territory, too.
When the Wildcats took the field, Reed was leading the charge. I had missed a few games since we hadn’t been talking, and watching him run out next to Trig, his body pumped with energy, and his face serious, reminded me of how proud I was of this man. He’d always been a natural. I knew it the first time I saw him lead a team out on a field more than seven years ago, and his presence had only grown stronger. I found myself staring at him, willing him to notice me. But I knew that I was a dot in a sea of faces out here. And whereas a few months ago he knew right where to find me, right where I’d be sitting, today he didn’t have a clue.
Reed marched out to the middle of the field with the other captains, and the Wildcats won the coin toss. Reed wouldn’t be taking the field right away, instead opting to take the opening drive in the second half. I watched him join his team and lean over to talk with his coach before he set his helmet down and walked over to the tables to grab some water. He was all business on that field, his head focused on one goal only—winning. And that was how Reed was when he was dedicated to something. That’s how he was with us. How could I have ever doubted this man? I didn’t trust him not to leave me, I didn’t trust him enough to tell him about the pregnancy, and then I was the one to betray his faith in me. And now all I had done was lose him completely. If he had fallen into Jenny’s arms, well…there was nobody to blame but myself.
I was lost in my thoughts, my eyes not completely focusing, and instead making a blur out of the colors of Reed’s jersey, when I noticed the rapid movement of his arm. He was waving…at me. He’d found me, picked me out of the crowd of 50,000 fans. And he was waving, for everyone to see. Shell-shocked and stunned, I stood motionless, until Sarah leaned into me a bit, in an attempt to get me to react. I just raised a hand and held it up, biting my lip a bit and smiling, hoping. I couldn’t make out his features from this far, but I was pretty sure he was smiling too before he turned back to the game. He’d taken a pause just to find me, something he’d never done on this field.
“I told you,” Sarah said, giving me one more elbow to the rib. I just kept the dumb look on my face for the rest of the night.
The one drag about college games was how long they took to play out. B
y the time the clock was ticking down, it was 11 p.m. As predicted, the Wildcats scored 63 points against ASU. It was a rebuilding year for us, yes, but Reed was also at his best this season. And he had an amazing team to back him up. He and Trig were pulled in the third quarter to save their energy for the bowl bid the Wildcats would definitely get. I found myself watching Reed’s every move as he stood and walked the sidelines, hoping he’d turn to me just once more. He never did, but I also knew he liked to stay focused on that field. And the players usually caught hell from coach for taking their focus away from the field, even when they weren’t in the game.
Sarah, Becky, Sean and I waited for the crowds to move out before we left the stadium, knowing we’d be standing outside the athletic department for a while waiting on Reed anyhow. Sienna joined us after changing. It felt like old times, the group of us waiting for Reed, so we could go out and celebrate. But I was quickly reminded that it was the present, not the past, when the others joined our group in the lobby.
Jason had his arms draped all over Dylan, possessing her, and eyeing the college guys who were checking her out. He wasn’t jealous, but instead seemed to get off on the attention she was getting, just wanting to attach himself to her so everyone would know he was the man who was good enough. She was his prize, his trophy.
Jenny stood next to them, wrestling her hands a little, almost as if she was nervous. I watched her ask Dylan a question, and then Jason piped in giving her a response. She seemed uncomfortable, and I wanted to help her.
“God, why did I want to help this girl, who just hours ago put me in a jealous rage? What was wrong with me?” I wondered.
I was about to walk over to strike up a conversation with her, when Buck’s booming laugh broke the quiet. He was hobbling on his crutches from the main locker room with Reed, who held the door open for him, rolling his eyes at his stubborn father. “I don’t need you to get every door for me, you know,” he said, loud enough so we all heard. He wanted us to know he wasn’t helpless, but no one would ever think that. Not of Buck Johnson, anyhow.