by E J Darling
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
June
The air was warm, and the hot summer sun was bearing down on her like the asshole it was. Once June had hit, and the summer had finally decided to stay, Lexie had taken her truck and driven down the winding road to the nearest town, Mountain Springs. It was a tiny little coal-mining town that didn’t have more than a thousand residents, but it was incredible. They made their living on tourists and that came in the summer and the number of people there had been almost too much for her. After being alone for so long, it was a lot to take in, but she managed to do everything she needed to do while she was there.
She’d bought a bathing suit to fit her new boobs and growing belly, and she’d done a walk in appointment at the local clinic to make sure the baby was doing okay. Everything was going smoothly, and Lexie hadn’t been able to stop smiling since she left. She clutched the tiny black and white ultrasound image in her hand and slammed the truck door.
Even if this baby wasn’t going to bring Declan out of his bear, she was still going to share everything with him every step of the way. He was still in there, and he still deserved to know his son was healthy. “A boy.” She whispered and held her stomach. She still couldn’t stop smiling. “A tiny little boy with auburn hair and deep green eyes.” She didn’t know what he would look like but all she could picture was the perfect replica of Declan and that was more than she could ever dream of. To look into his eyes again through their child’s and know everything would be okay.
The last few months had been easier. Declan didn’t avoid her like he used to, and she could smell him lurking around the cabin every now and then. It had gotten easier to see him and accept him, too. This isn’t how she saw her life going but this was how it was and there wasn’t shit she could do about it now. All she could do was smile and keep going. Her dad used to tell her that when she’d come home crying after a stupid boy broke her heart.
The day after her mother’s funeral, he’d put a smile on his face and said, “Cancer is a bitch, sugar plum. But we’ve got to smile and keep going.” He was right. There was no point in moping. She could have her moments of weakness but after that, she’d had to dust herself off and keep living. So, she did.
Lexie ran inside and put on her bathing suit. She was going to finally take a dip in the ice cold river she’d watch melt all spring and into the first parts of summer. Her window to enjoy the heat wasn’t going to last long up here in the high altitude and she was going to take full advantage of it while she could, and while she could still move around comfortably. Another month and her belly was going to be a hinderance at best.
She pulled on her bottoms and looked at herself in the mirror. She was huge, and the fresh red stretch marks that had formed on her lower stomach and hips were bright against her pain skin. But she didn’t give two shits about how she looked. Her pregnancy had been smooth, and she was so proud of herself for doing this on her own. Besides, if Declan did have a problem with how she looked, he wouldn’t be able to say anything because he was an asshole bear that couldn’t speak. But deep down, very deep down, she knew he wouldn’t care. She knew he loved her and this baby even if he hadn’t been able to say it in words.
Lexie tore herself away from the mirror and grabbed up a towel and one of Declan’s shirts to put over her bathing suit, since they were the only things that fit her, and headed off to the river. It took her half the time to get there now that the snow was gone, and the lush green grass called to her. It was so beautiful up here in every season and it hadn’t taken her long to figure out why Declan loved it so much. Every tree, every blade of grass, every snowflake in the winter was just icing on the already beautiful cake.
In the blink of an eye, she tore her shirt off and tossed it near the towel. Lexie closed her eyes and inhaled the air, picking up slight hints of Declan. He was lurking in the woods, watching her. A smile formed her lips and Lexie stepped slowly into the cold water. She let her body acclimate so she wouldn’t gasp and the first feel of it and slowly lowered herself in.
It felt amazing, freeing. Her bear felt at home in the water and she watched the fish swim around under the crystal clear depth. Something rustled in the trees just off the bank up stream, and Lexie narrowed her eyes.
“Why don’t you join me instead of lurking in the shadows?”
The rustling stopped and Lexie held her breath. He may have been getting closer to her over the last few months, but he hadn’t come close enough for her to touch. It had been on his time and she’d been okay with that, but she still had hope. Hope that he’d come out of the shadows. Hope that he’d get close enough to touch. Hope that he’d walk into the cabin one day and tell her he was back and never leaving again. That’s why she stayed. Because even if none of that happened, she still had hope that her son, their son, would know his father, and maybe even one day understand why he couldn’t stay.
Like something out a dream, Declan stepped out from behind the trees. He was closer than he’d been in a while and Lexie rose up out of the water, her belly on full display. Declan grunted and nearly turned around, but he stopped and shook his head like he was fighting his own thoughts. Hope. He really was still in there.
“Don’t leave.” She shouted, “Please.”
Lexie took a step towards the riverbank, wanting to get out of the cold water and to Declan. She brought a foot down, but it landed wrong, sliding on a mossy tone at the bottom and she slipped. She heard Declan’s shocked grunt and he jumped into the river. Lexie’s eyes widen as she saw the massive grizzly splashing water and coming right for her. “I’m okay!” She gasped.
He didn’t listen; he was on her so fast she hardly had time to think. He laid down in the cold water and grunted again. “Seriously? You want me to get on your back?” He grunted again. Lexie rolled her eyes and huffed a sigh but did as he wanted. She gripped the hair on his back and pulled herself up onto his broad back. He lifted himself out of the water and Lexie giggled at the sensation. It was so surreal to be touching Declan, to be on his back, as he once again became her knight in shining armor. She hadn’t needed the help, but she wouldn’t protest him coming to her rescue. He’d been scared when he saw her slip and that was enough for her to let him do what he needed to calm himself.
Declan made it to the bank and Lexie slid off, but never let go of his fur. She wasn’t going to let him run off as quickly as he’d come, she had something to show him. Lexie stepped in front of him and kissed his massive head all over. He was wet and cold, but she didn’t care. She was just happy to touch him.
“I have news.” She whispered. “I went to the doctor today and got a picture of the baby.” Declan let out an odd noise that she took as excitement and padded over to her things, grabbing the ultrasound image she’d brought with her. Lexie ran back and without hesitation, held out the picture. Declan stared at it for a long time and Lexie held back her happy tears. He bumped his nose against it, and she smiled. “It’s a boy. He’s healthy and he’s growing on track. But I never had my doubts, he’s your son after all.”
Declan tore his eyes from the image, but something changed in his demeanor. He shook his head erratically and a rumble came from his chest. He shook it again and he was back to himself. “Are you okay?” He grunted again and shook his head again. Her happy tears became sad tears and she couldn’t stop them from streaming down her face. “Listen to me. I know you must be scared. It took me a long time to remember but I know your mom died when she gave birth to you. That won’t happen to me, Declan. I refuse to believe I can’t do this. That I can’t do it alone. I am scared to death of being alone when it happens but I’m strong. You made me strong.”
Declan exhaled and stepped closer. Lexie held her ground, refusing to give him a reason to run. She kept her hands to her sides and let Declan sniff to her stomach. To her shock, he bowed his head and pressed it against her skin, holding it there for long minutes. The baby rolled around and kicked her belly button and Declan quickly pulled his head back
and looked at it with shock. Lexie laughed and finally whipped the tears that had flowed freely.
“That’s your boy. He’s strong.”
Declan shook his head over and over, growls echoing in the trees. Something was wrong with him. He was at war with himself and she could see him fighting inside. Declan was in there. The love of her life was trapped inside the body of a bear and there was nothing she could do. He looked like he was trying, but the bear was strong. Stronger than Declan right now.
“Fight Declan. Fight until you can’t anymore. I’ll be right there in that cabin when you win this war with yourself.” The emotional mess that she was had her crying all over again. The hope she held onto was standing right in front of her. It was fighting to be free and survive. Declan was fighting a war with himself and she was just now seeing this. It wasn’t just about her. It wasn’t just about him being sick. He was in a never-ending battle with a broken bear, and there was a glimmer of hope that he would win the war.
As quickly as he’d come running, Declan was gone. She watched him leave until the dense forest concealed him. Then, she crumbled into the grass and sobbed. She’d had everything she wanted right there in front her, and it had been wonderful. But now, she was alone again, and her heart burned once more for the love she’d lost.
The baby kicked again and pulled Lexie from the desperate thoughts. She wrapped her arms over her stomach and whispered, “It’s okay, Declan. He’ll come back. He always comes back.”
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
November
Lexie was officially one week overdue and completely miserable. She huddled herself under the wolf skin blanket and pushed play on the DVD player. She’d invested in a small television when visiting Mountain Springs the last time and hadn’t regretted it. She couldn’t get cable, but movies were more than acceptable since the only entertainment outlets around here were Declan’s old dusty books or sitting outside on a fallen tree waiting to catch sight of the aloof grizzly.
Every day brought her closer to delivering and despite her doctor’s orders, she wasn’t going anywhere. She lied and told him she had a midwife on speed dial so he’d stop bugging her, but in reality, she was alone. She wanted it this way. She read every book about natural birth she could get her hands on. She researched safe and sterile instruments and she set everything up, ready for the big moment. She had everything she needed, except Declan.
If there was anything worrying her, it was the fact that Declan had started hanging around outside the cabin. He was sniffing around and sniffing at her when she got close enough. She could sense the change in herself so there was no doubt Declan knew the time was close. He wouldn’t leave and that worried her. Lexie knew he was scared but the fact that he was so close all the time now worried her even more. She was strong, smart, and had her mind set on doing this here. She wasn’t going to let him miss a single thing. If he wanted to be here then she was going to let him, but she had to get her mind off the negativity and escape for a while. But something was wrong.
She felt hot, too hot, and her back ached like crazy like it had the last few hours. The movies opening title came on and Lexie instantly regretted her choice of a rom-com right now. She turned it off and laid back on the couch, trying to get some relief. She took deep calming breaths and let her mind focus on the task ahead. This baby was going to come soon, and she needed to get right in her mind before then or she couldn’t make it on her own.
A sharp pain squeezed at her belly and Lexie breathed through it until the pain was gone. “This is it.” She whispered to herself. She knew it could take nearly an entire day for a first time mother to give birth so there was no reason to panic right now.
Once she fully recovered from the contraction, Lexie ungracefully got to her feet and waddled to the front door. She knew Declan was out there and for some reason, she needed to comfort of seeing him right now.
“Declan!” She screamed, unsure of how close he was. In no time at all, she could make out the giant bear through the trees, running towards her. His breath fogged in the cool humid air that signaled winter was close again, and he trotted to a stop in front of her, shaking his head like he did more frequently now. “I think the baby’s coming.” She tried to keep her voice steady but that impossible when her nerves were fried and the sight of Declan in front of her was enough to stop her heart from beating.
She winced and tried to breathe through the next contraction, not wanting to upset him more than this whole thing already would. Lexie wanted him to understand what was going to happen and what he was going to hear. “This is going to be hard for me and for you. I’m going to scream and I’m going to be in a lot of pain.” She took a deep breath and slowly let it out, “Try to keep calm, okay? Can you do that for me?” Declan grunted and shook his head aggressively. She’d take that as a no then. “Well, do your fucking best because that’s all I’m asking here.”
A sharp pain hit her hard and warm liquid gushed onto the wood floor. Declan growled and paced in front of her while Lexie panted, trying to stay calm. Of course, nothing would go as planned, and half the things she read about first time moms would be right. She was a damn bear shifter for god’s sake, what was she thinking. She was growing a strong grizzly boy inside her and she didn’t know why she thought this would go any other way but quickly.
“I need to go lay down, Declan. I have everything ready upstairs and I need to go up the ladder before I can’t move anymore.” Lexie panted as another contraction slammed through her. “I love you. I’ll see you after.”
With a heavy heart, Lexie shut the door. She leaned her forehead on the cold wood and tried to stop the tears that wanted to flow. She couldn’t think about Declan right now. She only had room in her mind for her safety and the baby’s. Lexie tore herself from the door and waddled to the ladder. The thing looked daunting as hell right now, but she had to get up there. She took her time and made sure she gripped every rung on the way up. She’d made it, and with little time to spare because another contraction was already hitting her.
Lexie squat down beside the bed and opened her hips wide. She’d read enough books to know this was a great position to labor in, and it already felt good on her back, giving her the slightest bit of relief. Hope gripped her again that she could do this, and she needed it, because Declan was still outside the cabin, roaring. He was scared, she knew that, but she wished he could calm himself and trust that she was strong enough and able to do this.
The contractions were hitting her every two minutes now. Sweat beaded on her brow and her breathing was becoming ragged. The baby wasn’t moving like she thought it should and when she’d reached between her legs it didn’t feel like she’d expected it to.
Lexie screamed as the desire to push got stronger and the pain became nearly unbearable. Every scream that tore through her, Declan answered with a roar. He was still here with her, he hadn’t left her alone, and she was now more grateful than ever for that. Another contraction hit and Lexie bore down, counted to ten and screamed as the pain inside her tore her half. She’d never been in this much pain in her life. Even after the accident, after the surgeries, none of it compared to this. The only difference was that after all this was said and done Lexie wouldn’t be alone. She would have a precious baby boy in her arms, and she’d be more proud of herself than she had ever been. She would have done it. She’d proved to herself that she was strong and more capable than anyone ever thought she was.
Another one hit and Lexie clenched her jaw as she tried to bite back and scream, but it didn’t work. The pain was worse now and something felt wrong. She reached between her thighs and gasped. “No, no, no!” Lexie covered her shocked scream with her other hand when she realized what she was feeling. It wasn’t his head coming out, it was his foot. The baby was breached and panic set in immediately.
Lexie screamed as the pain worsened and she could feel herself tearing as the baby’s other leg got stuck. She couldn’t do this; there was no way in hell she could fi
x this. Declan roared again outside as Lexie’s pained screams filtered through the house. She was so weak, too weak to handle this complication. She could bleed out if the baby caused too much damage coming out like this, or worse, he could be seriously injured.
Breathing became harder and Lexie’s head began to spin. If she lost consciousness that could mean death for them both and that wasn’t a risk she was willing to take. But she wouldn’t have a choice soon, Lexie could see the blood spilling out, it was too much, and she tried to breathe through the sick filling that was rising inside her. She screamed again before her head got too heavy and she fell onto her back on the hard wood floor of the loft. The world was quiet for just a split second. There was no roaring, no screaming, her breath was shallow, but the pain was still as hard and sharp as it had been. She was losing consciousness.
Something crashed downstairs but Lexie could move. She was in so much pain and her baby was stuck. She could hear the deep breaths coming from someone outside of herself, but she was so out of it she couldn’t make out anything else.
“Lexie!” A deep voice yelled from somewhere in the dark. She was imagining Declan’s husky voice in the last desperate moments. Her mind was so heavy, and darkness was calling for her. She was so damn tired, and she knew there was nothing she could do to save her baby on her own. “Lexie, baby wake up! You have to tell me what to do!”