by N. J. Lysk
I bit my lip, way closer than I wished but frozen in place by duty. If Zybyn meant to go through with it, my pain didn’t matter. In fact, my pain was owed. He was once more doing this in my stead.
He must have been thinking about it, under the writhing and moaning, but for me it just looked like one moment he was spreading his legs to take Xander’s cock in his arse and the next the hand in the alpha’s hair was closing steady and fast on the tiger shifter’s long black hair and yanking him down. The pained grunt from Xander as Zybyn’s teeth and claws sank into his neck were only made worse by the sound of his blood gushing out, pumping scarlet all over my brother’s chest and neck, down to the bedding as the man on top of him jerked. I was on him in a moment, yanking his hands away from Zybyn with my own clawed fingers.
It took forever and only moments before he stopped struggling.
When I dragged his body away from Zybyn’s, my brother was soaked through in his blood, the smell so repugnant I almost lost the little food left in my belly from the morning meal. I could see Zybin’s chest rising and falling too fast, but it wasn’t until he blinked his eyes open, lashes working hard to rid themselves of the sticky red blood, that I knew my brother was still with me.
I went to him at once, using my own clothes to clean his face and neck as best as I could until he stopped me. “River.”
We went to the same spot out of habit, but it was completely different this time and not just because we were dragging Xander’s body with us to let the current take it. As it went under, heavy and lifeless, I finally felt the weight of his power over me lifting.
We were free.
I turned to check on Zybyn, who was scrubbing furiously, holding his breath so he could get all the blood out of his hair, and had to quickly look away when I noticed he was cleaning himself from a different leftover fluid altogether. There couldn’t have been a lot, Xander hadn’t finished, and I just hoped—
“What happened to your heat?” I asked the next time I heard him resurface.
Zybyn stilled long enough for me to feel it was safe to look his way. He looked dazed, as if he was one blink from falling asleep. “I...” He shook his head, glancing down his body. “Shock?” he offered, and I jumped forward to catch him around the waist as he swayed.
“Hey,” I said. “None of that, let’s get you out.”
I didn’t feel safe lying in the sun to dry out, so I walked him back to the cave with an arm around his waist. Since we’d had to discard the furs we’d been using, I took him over to the pile Xander had appropriated—thicker and warmer, and told myself our scent would soon wash his away. Zybyn didn’t object at all, curling up against my side with a little mewling noise like he was a cub, body relaxing against mine. I carded my fingers through his wet hair and waited, standing vigil.
It was the least I could do.
Chapter 6
Despite my best intentions, I fell asleep in his arms. It was alright, though, because that's where I woke as well, warm and safe.
Zybyn was back to normal, at least as far as I could tell. I wasn't, not really, relief and horror making me dizzy by turns. Maybe he could tell because the first thing he did was hunt down some berries and force me to fill my belly. That helped and I ignored his pleased smile as he sucked his fingers clean—the same fingers who’d been covered in blood not even a day earlier...
He looked tired, but a shadow had lifted from over his expression, and every time our eyes met, his lit up like he was remembering all over again.
I was glad he was happy, but I didn’t know how I could ever repay him for what he’d done for me.
Fruit was all we could stomach and it was still quite cold in the cave, so I dragged him back to the furs, already smelling of us both. He came easy, pressing close to me until I could relax against his warmth. We’d appropriated some of the clothes Xander had used us to buy, as much as we could take back.
“I’m sorry,” I said into his neck. “I should have— It was supposed to be me.”
“Shhh...” My brother kissed my cheek, rocking me a little. “No,” he said firmly. “It doesn’t matter, and I... I owed you.”
“What?” I spat, incredulous. And then I felt the hand on my waist travel towards the front of my body, just enough that his palm was against the swell of my belly.
“It was supposed to be me,” he told me, the words full of pain. “So... I owed you.”
I pushed closer, forcing his hand to return to my back and clutching him to me. “You don’t owe me shit,” I hissed. “I was glad it wasn’t you.”
He huffed, half laugh, half sob. “Oh, goddess, Michuá, fine then, we’re even. That work for you?”
I hesitated, but what was the point? We were free, and we were together. What else was there to keep score of?
“Okay,” I grudgingly conceded. “We’re even. What the hell are we gonna do now?”
Zybyn snorted. “I have no fucking idea.” His hand was rubbing my back all the way down to the bottom of my spine and I wanted to arch like I was in my feline form and he was the sun. “Maybe we can stay.” I felt him swallow against my cheek. “I mean, we have time, before...”
I burrowed further into his arms. Even though he couldn’t say it: before I gave birth.
It was almost like he was more scared of it than me, and I guess it made sense: all that could happen to me was that I could die, but Zybyn... Zybyn could end up all alone.
“Do you wanna... we could go back home, if—” Because at least then he’d have someone, and I wouldn’t have to think about—
“No,” he said sharply. “We can’t trust them, Michuá. Look what happened— I mean, they don’t want us, they made that plenty clear. I mean, I— Do you miss them?”
“No!” I said at once, then admitted, “Maybe the kids, and Bachué. But it doesn’t matter, I— I don’t need anyone. Just you. But you’re not...” I shrugged and pressed my face to his shoulder, needing to be close even as I was talking of him going away.
Fucked. Ruined. You could take your pick, but in the end, it meant the same; he wasn’t an omega pregnant by an alpha who wouldn’t take care of him. Useless to the pack, only able to bring new mouths to feed, without ever being able to contribute enough.
“Shhh...” Zybyn cut me off, he must have known what I was thinking. “Don’t,” he whispered harshly. “I am whatever you are, wherever you are. Come on, Michuá, don’t make me get all mushy, you know we’re in this together, that’s it.”
“Okay,” I managed to say past my tight throat. “We stay for a bit, and then... we’ll see.”
Chapter 7
As marvellous as being able to choose when to wake and where to go and what I did with my own body was... The consequences weren’t really over and they were getting significantly bigger at an alarming rate. Not quite knowing what to expect, other than for me to transform to give birth, we’d decided to stick to the cave we’d been occupying. We’d rubbed the furs with fresh herbs but what helped the most was sleeping in them ourselves, making the space ours.
We’d set down one of the thinner furs Xander had ceded to us—which had miraculously survived our captor—out to cover the spot where the ground was still stained. Sometimes I thought I could smell the blood still, but no matter how powerful my nostrils, the only way I would get even a whiff was if I pressed them right against the rock where it’d spilled.
I knew it was in my head. I thought it was probably in Zybyn’s head too, brave as he was. He didn’t speak of it, but I knew by the way he’d cling to me when he woke in the night, shaking his head if I tried to ask him what made him seize and cry out and then simply weep quietly. I could give him time, and space, and the warmth of my presence. I had failed to keep him safe before, but I would still make the promise to try again—whatever it cost me to feel him fall apart in my arms.
I dreamt too, mostly of what had happened to us both, and I’d wake up in a terror, trying to get away from him despite having gone to sleep tangled in his arms
. It didn’t take Zybyn long to figure out he had to let me get away first before I would be ready to take his comfort. That night was particularly bad, maybe because we’d gone to the river to bathe that day and I’d noticed how big my belly was, big enough to float a little in the water. I crawled back into the bedding but turned my back to him, not wanting it between us.
But this was Zybyn, my twin, and his hand kept rubbing my arm until it got to my hand curled around my middle. His fingers fit perfectly on top of mine, pressing my fingers against the distended skin but not touching it himself. “You freaked out?” he asked, though it wasn’t like he didn’t know.
I inhaled as slowly as I could manage, nodding a bit.
“The puma knows how to do this,” he offered, pressing his chin to the top of my shoulder, and I knew him too; for some crazy reason he wanted to touch it. But he wouldn’t ask, not beyond his hand on top of mine. “You just let it take over and—”
I yanked my hand from under his, it was the only way I could make myself do it, and Zybyn gasped as his palm landed on my belly and I put mine on top to keep it there.
“Oh,” he breathed right into my ear. “Fuck, you pillock, I—” His heart was beating hard enough for me to feel it against my spine where he was flush against me, only his tunic between our bodies. He was shaking a little. “Michuá,” he said, like my name was a prayer.
“It’s fine,” I told him. “It doesn’t... it’s just weird.”
“I don’t want you to leave me,” he said into my skin, his hand on my middle was careful but firm, the kind of touch one used with a child too young to know better. “It was all I could think of when I presented, that they’d make me leave you. I can’t—”
“Hey!” I interrupted, tugging at his hand and rolling towards him. His eyes popped open, lashes a little wet, and my heart jumped in fright, hand going to his cheek and brushing the wetness away like I could take away his pain. “I won’t, you know I won’t. You think...? I was only going because of you, you know that.”
His lips were a little swollen, as if he had been biting at them, and they parted slightly but no words came out.
“Zybyn?” I asked. “I love you, you know that, don’t you?”
His dark eyelashes hid his eyes, and then I felt his body tense up and he carefully sat back, legs crossed in front of him and hands on his own lap. My own hand felt cold where it’d been left behind between us and I suddenly remembered I was stark naked since I’d dropped my tunic—sweated right through—on the ground near the entrance where we kept fresh water.
“You remember heat?” he asked, eyes stuck to the space between our knees. “The first time?”
I frowned. Of course I did, though I wasn’t sure whose first time he was referring to. “Yeah.”
“Did I...?” His throat worked visibly to help him swallow, eyes still lowered. “Did I make you feel better?”
I froze, torn between hiding my own face in the bedding or getting up and getting something to cover my nakedness with. I opted for sitting up and pulling the corner of one of the furs over my lap and middle. “Yes.” I stared at my own hands, begging my body not to react to the inevitable sense memory of him on top of me. Inside me, while I burned up, as he became everything I needed as well as everything I loved.
I could feel his eyes on me, but now I couldn’t seem to look up. This was bad enough, and I didn’t understand why he was bringing it up now. I knew I’d asked for too much, but—
“So I... I could help you, again.”
My head snapped up. “What?”
“I don’t want you to get an alpha,” the words were almost bitten out, as if I’d forced them out of him, but his eyes were fierce on mine.
“G— Get an alpha?” I repeated, the notion both terrifying and ridiculous. No alpha would take me like this, and we both knew it.
“You— the cubs and you, you need someone to take care of you, but...” His eyes went soft and pleading, impossible to look away from. “But I can do it, you don’t need to get an alpha.”
I gawked at him, overwhelmed with sadness and regret. He could do it, of course, and since he was unable to impregnate me, that would mean I could get through heat with just sex. Even if it lasted longer, I’d take it in a heartbeat. “But you... who’s gonna take care of you?”
He shrugged a little, like he’d already discarded any concerns about his own needs. “You don’t have to, I’ll—”
“What? No!” Before I knew it, my hand was on his knee where his tunic had ridden up. “What the fuck, Zybyn? That’s not what I mean, of course... of course I will. I’ll take care of you, but...”
He shook his head, bringing his knees up, curling into himself and away from me.
And then it was as if my brain caught up to the strange meandering path of our conversation. I’d told him I loved him, and he hadn’t said it back—not that I needed telling, but it was how things went, when we did get mushy. Instead he’d spoken about my first heat, when I’d begged him until he’d fucked me like I’d needed.
“You want to be my alpha...” The words tumbled past my lips as if they had a will of their own and I startled almost as much as my twin once I heard them.
I cringed, mind racing to think of how to take it back but before I had a chance, he shook his head, eyes wide. “No, I’m— I’d never... I want... You’re my soul, Michuá,” he said at last, his shoulders went down and his body relaxed. “I love you,” he added and there was a certainty to him now, like something had settled. His eyes were clear, the truth shining in them as unquestionable as the sun. “I was born to love you and take care of you. That’s all, whatever form it takes.”
He loved me, of course he loved me, it was the only thing I had ever known for sure when I didn’t have claws and the nose of a predator. And he didn’t want me to get an alpha. “So you can help me, and I can... help you?” I checked.
“Yeah,” he didn’t look away, but I caught his hesitation anyway.
“Because... because you love me,” I continued, tentative, chest hurting, but I pushed through. For him. For us. “And I love you.”
His nod was still unsure. Words, I understood then, weren’t enough. Because there weren’t words for what he meant to me, he’d tried his best to tell me but here we were, suspended in time, unable to truly get through to each other.
It was unconscionable.
Maybe what he wanted to tell me wasn’t what I hoped, this clawing aching longing lodged in my throat and making my heart race. But I couldn’t bear to see him doubt, to have him watch me as if there could ever be any part of me that he couldn’t have. Any part of me I wouldn’t gladly give him.
There weren’t words, so I exhaled and leaned forward, using my hand on his knee to support my weight. I wasn’t moving fast and I thought he’d reach out for me, if only a steadying hand on my shoulder or side. Instead he didn’t move at all, watching as I hovered over him, naked and ridiculous and looking him right in the eye as I let him see it all—my fear, my desperation, the impossible almost unbearable love that had kept me alive in my darkest days. I licked my lips, swallowing past my dry mouth, and his eyes flickered down my face for a moment, and then I was close enough to feel his breath—wet and fast—and then I was closer still. Close enough my lips brushed his at last. I could feel them tremble for an infinite second before I pressed my mouth to his, drinking in his gasp and forcing myself into stillness. I could never be anything like— His hands were on my shoulders, strong and sure, and his mouth was kissing me back. He was clumsy with it and my position didn’t help, but I sucked on his lip, so grateful I could have fallen to my knees to thank the Moon if I hadn’t already been there.
Zybyn’s cut-off moan felt almost as good as it sounded and I licked at his teeth, just a swipe, wanting, hoping...
“Goddess,” he mumbled, turning his head a little to breathe. His hands were on my sides, and his calves were almost hooked around mine where I knelt between his spread legs. He was also holding both o
f our weights with some effort, I realised, since he had nothing at his back.
I straightened, the scent of him sharp and vital between us, struggling to keep my eyes on his face. Zybyn looked up at me, fingers digging into my skin. “Just...” I tried, then discovered I had to swallow. “Awkward position.”
He laughed, a happy carefree sound I’d almost forgotten. “Yeah,” he agreed, eyes stuck on mine like he couldn’t look away. He was glowing, like this meant as much to him as it did to me, like I’d given him a gift he couldn’t believe he deserved.
He did, though, more than.
When I lowered myself onto my side, he came with, hands relinquishing their hold even as his body drew closer, our knees bumping. “Can I...?” he asked, hand hovering over my side. But I knew what he was really asking.
I’d had him touching my belly already, but this would be different. This would be... This would be me telling him I’d share this part of myself, just as I shared every other part.
I was afraid too, because I wanted it so much. For him to love me, even like this, even after what had been done to me and could never be undone. “Yes.”
Zybyn didn’t go right for it, following the curve of my waist with gentle hands instead. “Your skin’s so soft...” he whispered in the space between us, eyes following his fingers. My cock twitched, though I couldn’t have said whether at the touch or the words. When he found the curve of my belly at last, there was no vacillation, just a tender sigh. That’s what he’d sound like when he held my cubs, I knew at once, like he couldn’t believe his eyes or his senses, like he had something precious and knew it.
I squirmed and it made me realise I was getting wet and clench against it. The scent was unmistakeable to us both and that gave my twin pause, I felt him shudder him as I screwed my eyes shut.