by Kay Bigelow
“Really. I spent the last twenty-five years climbing a corporate ladder. When I got what I had been striving for, I realized it was nothing but another title, some more money, more responsibility, and more hours. Well, that and a heart attack scare,” Lauren said.
“That would be a major wake-up call.”
Lauren laughed. That’s exactly what it had been.
“I’d been so busy with the climb, I became boring. I didn’t have time to read a book, see a movie, go dancing, date, or do any of the things that used to make me happy.”
Serena came over and laid her head on Lauren’s thigh.
“Excuse me, I need to feed the kids,” Lauren said as an excuse to change the subject.
Lauren picked up Serena’s and Max’s dishes and took them to the counter. When she filled Max’s dish, he came running into the kitchen and stopped dead in his tracks when he realized the stranger had not left. He stood staring at Alex. Hunger got the better of him and he made a detour around the kitchen island in order to avoid contact with Alex. Instead of rubbing his body against Lauren’s leg as he usually did, he retained his dignity and sat waiting for his dinner.
“Who is that?”
“This is Maximillian. Max.”
“While you feed your kids, I’ll start cleaning up.”
“You don’t need to do that,” Lauren said.
“I want to,” Alex said.
“Okay.”
By the time Lauren finished feeding Max and Serena, Alex was finished loading their two plates, the silverware, and two glasses into the dishwasher.
“Would you like coffee?” Lauren asked.
“Yes, please.”
“I have a plethora of types, your choice,” she said, showing Alex the rather large selection of Keurig pods.
“Good heavens.”
“It is daunting, isn’t it? You should try choosing a cup of coffee first thing in the morning.”
“I’d like that,” Alex said, laughing.
Alex took several minutes to choose a pod. With the decision made, Lauren told her to make herself comfortable in the living room. A few minutes later, Lauren took their two mugs into the living room. Alex was standing at the large window that looked out toward the woods.
“Tell me more about yourself, please,” Lauren said as she set Alex’s mug on a coaster on the coffee table and sat down on the couch.
“After the accident, I came here. I left for two years to get my graduate degree, but returned after I was done,” Alex said, taking a seat at the other end of the sofa.
“Why here?”
“My grandmother lives here. She provided me a safe haven, loving arms, and encouragement.”
“How long have you been here?”
“Five years.”
Their conversation remained light, but informative. Lauren learned Alex had an MFA from Harvard. She told Lauren she was thirty. She liked to read a lot. When asked, Alex said the MFA was in painting.
A while later, Lauren saw Alex glance at her watch. “I should be going.”
“If you wish,” was all Lauren could think to say to hide her disappointment.
“I don’t actually want to leave, but I should.”
“Why?”
“I’ve found living in a small town is much like living in a fishbowl. If I stay here beyond a ‘decent’ hour, everyone in Patsy’s will know by seven in the morning,” Alex told her with a smile.
Lauren hadn’t thought about the consequences of living in a small town. She was sure, though, that since she lived on the edge of town and down a rather long driveway, it was unlikely anyone would know Alex was at her house.
“So you’re safeguarding my reputation by leaving at eight thirty? How very gallant of you,” Lauren said, trying not to laugh.
“You may laugh all you want, but you’ll appreciate my effort tomorrow morning when you walk through town.”
“But it’s tonight I want your company.”
“Be careful what you wish for, Lauren.”
While she wasn’t sure what Alex thought she was wishing for, if it concerned Alex, she knew she’d happily cast caution to the wind.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to alarm you,” Alex said, smiling.
“Then don’t leave,” Lauren said. Wait! Did I just ask her to stay? What’s gotten into me?
“Are you sure?”
“Oh, yes.”
Lauren and Alex remained where they were and continued finding out critical things about each other. Alex stayed another hour and a half, and then insisted she had to leave.
Chapter Five
Alex left Lauren’s house and headed back into the darkened town. She hadn’t wanted to leave Lauren. She knew with certainty that had Lauren asked her to spend the night, she would have without a second thought to the consequences. But instead of spending the night, she was in her car headed home to her loft and left to wonder why Lauren hadn’t asked.
Maybe Lauren isn’t attracted to me. Maybe she thinks I’m too young. God, what if she’s not a lesbian? Alex ran over their conversation in her head. Had Lauren mentioned a lover, partner, wife? No, she hadn’t. In fact, she’d not been very forthcoming with any non-work-related details.
While Lauren had been guarded in her revelations, Alex had spilled her guts. How did that happen? Alex was usually the one guarding her secrets like each and every one was a piece of gold to be kept safe from marauders. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d been so open with anyone she barely knew. Lauren was dangerous. Alex knew she needed to be careful around her. If she wasn’t, her heart would be in danger. The one secret she couldn’t tell Lauren was the one she deserved to know now, but how could she tell Lauren she had a patron who expected sexual favors as part of the deal? Her mind went from Lucia and her demands to Lauren.
How much had Lauren given away? The only thing Alex knew about her was she’d lived in Manhattan before coming to town, she’d been a partner in a law firm, and she’d spent a year in Hong Kong on business. That was precious little information now that she examined it.
While they’d been talking, Alex had felt like they’d both been sharing. In reality, however, only one of them had really shared anything meaningful, and it hadn’t been Lauren.
Thinking about Lauren was not going anywhere so she focused on driving on the two-lane road heading into town. The area was a haven for deer and other nocturnal creatures, and the thought of hitting one of them appalled her. She made it into town with nothing jumping out of the woods near the road.
Once safely ensconced in her loft, she retrieved her sketchbook from her messenger bag. She put another new canvas on the easel and began sketching two women in a shower—maybe a rain shower—on her canvas. She liked the idea of the rain shower. She had both women in quarter view, their faces facing the viewer who couldn’t tell whether they had clothes on. She was behind Lauren with her eyes closed, but her head was leaning slightly toward Lauren’s shoulder. Lauren’s head was thrown back against Alex with her left hand cupping the back of Alex’s neck. Lauren’s mouth was opened slightly and her eyes, too, were closed. Alex’s right arm was around Lauren and she was cupping Lauren’s left breast while her left hand could just barely be seen stretched down toward Lauren’s mons. She stopped sketching when she reached the top of the hip of the woman nearest the viewer. Once she had the two women sketched lightly on canvas, she stepped back and studied them. It was a very sensuous portrait and it was very different from everything she’d painted in the past.
She took the canvas with her to her bedroom and set it on the dresser, leaning it against the wall behind it. She fell asleep looking at what she’d created. She dreamed of Lauren being in front of her in a summer rain shower, but then a dark cloud came over them and caused them to pull apart. Suddenly, the tranquility of the painting shattered. She awoke with a racing heart and thought about the black cloud that had somehow blown the two women away from one another. There wasn’t a doubt in her mind the black cloud represented
Lucia. Did Lucia have the power to keep her away from Lauren—maybe not knowingly? Alex knew the answer to that question, and didn’t like it.
Alex turned over and tried to go back to sleep. She was disturbed by the dream. She’d wanted to believe she was in control of her life, but now understood she wasn’t. When did that happen? How did it happen? Those questions are easily answered. It happened when I said yes to Lucia. With the exception of not being allowed to buy the loft for her, Lucia controlled her life. Yes, she lived alone, but when Lucia wanted her, she only need call and Alex went to her.
As she fell asleep again, she asked herself, Can I extricate myself from Lucia? Or a better question might be, how can I extricate myself from Lucia?
The next morning, she lay in bed asking herself unanswerable questions like: Do I want to leave Lucia? If I wanted to leave Lucia, how could I go about it? What would I lose? Lucia paid for the SUV, but she put it in my name alone. Did that make it a gift? If so, I shouldn’t have to return it to her. At least I won’t lose the loft because of the all-cash ninety percent down payment I made two years ago. While I have a steady income, I should begin paying down the balance. When that’s paid off, I won’t owe money to anyone. I wonder what I’m not seeing here. I should talk to an attorney and make sure of my legal status. Lauren’s an attorney.
She didn’t want to talk to Lauren about Lucia, but she didn’t trust the only attorney in town. He was a fat pig of a man who had hit on her a few times until she had to threatened to tell his wife to get him to leave her alone. After that, he gave her a wide berth whenever he saw her.
She decided to go for a walk to try to clear her mind. She knew she needed to figure out why, as if out of the blue, she was thinking of leaving Lucia. Was it because I’ve met Lauren and am very attracted to her? Or is it because I’m embarrassed to be a kept woman since I can’t bring myself to talk about Lucia with Lauren, and vice versa?
****
The morning after her dinner with Alex, Lauren lay in bed listening to the birds twittering while she thought about Alex. She wasn’t at all like she thought she was going to be. The previous night, she’d been subdued, sweet, and vulnerable. I’d expected a cocky, flirty, and determined-to-get-me-in-bed Alex to show up. She was disappointed the latter Alex hadn’t arrived on her doorstep, but at the same time liked the vulnerable Alex better. Perhaps if the cocky Alex had shown up, I’d have awakened with her in my bed. Unless, of course, she’s one of those women who leaves exactly forty minutes after the last orgasm.
After her shower, Lauren headed downstairs to feed the animals. As she entered the living room, she again glared at the boxes cluttering the room. She decided not to leave the twenty-two cartons sitting in the living room any longer because they caused her aggravation every time she looked at them. She got online and found two storage facilities nearby. She chose the one closer to Rhinebeck but a bit farther away from home than the other facility. There was a method to her madness. Once she deposited her boxes in the storage unit, she could head into Rhinebeck and hit the Starbucks there, thus killing two birds with one stone. It took her two trips and nearly two and a half hours before she could go to Starbucks for a much-deserved treat.
She ordered two Venti Oprah Chais with no water and four extra pumps of the syrup. One for later, one for now. In the car, she took a sip and sighed in contentment. She did love her Oprah Chai. She was home by noon much to Serena’s delight. She didn’t like being left behind, but there’d been no room in the SUV for both the boxes and Serena.
Lauren decided to take Serena back to the big park. She had only explored a small portion of it the day before. With Serena’s help, she remembered to put the can of tennis balls in her bag and added a book to the backpack as well. Her throwing arm was sore from the day before, and she wondered if she should get one of those automated slinging contraptions that threw balls for dogs to chase. Nah, she decided. At least not until Serena is in better shape. Who am I kidding? The only reason I’m thinking about the machine is because my arm is sore after only twenty-five throws. When did I get so out of shape? Probably when I stopped playing softball because I wanted to make the long, arduous climb up the law firm’s ladder toward a partnership. I shouldn’t be this out of shape since I run every morning. Who am I kidding? I can’t even remember the last time I actually went for a run.
Instead of going on the left-hand path like she had done yesterday, Lauren took the right-hand path when they entered the park. This part of the park was prettier with more trees, birds, dog walkers, and humans strolling. There were several couples, who were probably in their seventies, out for a morning stroll and holding hands. Lauren looked longingly at them even as she smiled as they passed by. She had so wanted to be one of those couples who still held hands after they’d been married for decades. She and Sandy had held hands, though not as often as Lauren would have liked because Sandy, being older, was more cautious about holding hands in public. Does Alex like to hold hands?
Lauren shoved thoughts of Alex out of her mind. As she and Serena rounded a bend, she was delighted to see a burbling stream to her right. Waddling onto the bank of the stream was a drake with, presumably, his wife. He quacked loudly at Serena as she went on hunting-dog alert. Lauren hurried by the quacking duck more to get out of his way than thinking Serena might go after him.
She knew Serena wanted desperately to be in the water, so Lauren gave her the okay. Serena charged down the bank and leapt in. Up to her belly in water, Serena did a little happy dance that had Lauren laughing out loud. She continued to splash around and finally lay down in the little stream and let the water flow around her. Lauren was sure Serena would stay right there for hours. Unfortunately for the dog, Lauren wanted her completely dry before she let her in her new SUV, so she called Serena to her. She came up the bank a lot slower than she’d gone down it.
They continued along the walking path until they came to a small meadow. Lauren stepped off the path and into the long grass. She threw the ball over and over for Serena until they were both tired. She knew she’d probably regret throwing the ball for so long the next day, but Serena really loved chasing the ball. She saw a bench nearby in the sun and pulled the paperback out of the backpack as she sat down. She sat reading while Serena sunned herself on the grass. When Serena perked up, Lauren tuned in to her surroundings.
“You two look like the perfect picture of contentment,” Alex said, coming around from behind Lauren.
“Good morning.”
“I didn’t expect to see you here,” Alex said.
“Nor I you.”
“I’m glad, though, I did.”
“Me, too. Want to sit and soak up some sun for a little while?” Lauren asked.
“I can’t stay long, I’m on my lunch hour.”
“From the library?”
Alex chuckled. “No, I only volunteer there for a few hours a week.”
When she didn’t say anything else, Lauren asked, “So you work two jobs?”
Alex hesitated. “Uh, no. I’m an artist and usually try to take a break at midday to get the kinks out of my back and get some exercise.”
“Would you be willing to show me your work some day?” Lauren asked.
“Better yet, I’m having a one-woman showing at a small gallery in a few months. You can be my guest on opening night if you like.”
“I’d love that.”
“You are a very dangerous woman, Lauren O’Brien.”
“What?” Lauren asked, surprised at Alex’s characterization of her.
“In the last twenty-four hours, I’ve told you two things I’ve not told a single soul in the five years I’ve been here. The only other person who knows those secrets is my grandmother.”
“I’m honored then you trusted me enough to tell me.”
Lauren could tell by the look on her face that Alex wasn’t entirely convinced she’d done the right thing. Lauren didn’t know whether to try to assure her she’d keep her secrets, or assume that beca
use she’d told her, she knew her secrets were safe.
“Would you tell me about your partner sometime? You must have loved her a good deal,” Lauren asked.
“Why do you say that?”
“Because you mourn her passing still.”
“Can I ask you a personal question?”
“Yes,” Lauren said, noticing Alex had neither confirmed nor denied she still mourned her partner.
“Are you single?” Alex asked.
“Yes. Why do you ask?”
“Just curious. Plus, I don’t date married women,” Alex said, smiling.
“Neither do I. Are you single?”
“Were you married?” Alex asked.
The fact that she hadn’t answered Lauren’s second question hadn’t escaped Lauren’s notice, either. Lauren briefly noted Alex’s reluctance to talk about her marital status. Tiny alarm bells were sounding inside Lauren’s head.
“I was.”
“To a woman?”
Lauren laughed. “You know, you could have just asked if I’m a lesbian.”
“I was trying for subtlety. Guess I missed the mark,” Alex said. “So when did you break up with your partner?”
“I didn’t break up with her. She broke up with me by dying.”
“I’m sorry. Do you mourn her still?”
“Yes and no. For me, it’s been six years. The hole in my center has healed itself. There are days, every once in a while, when I don’t think of her at all. Elizabeth Gilbert, the woman who wrote Eat, Pray, Love, says soul mates break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control you have to transform your life. They come into your life to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.”
“Do you believe that?” Alex asked.
“I’m still thinking about it. That and some other things she says about soul mates fly in the face of our fantasies about them,” Lauren said.
“Do you believe we have more than one soul mate?”
“If Gilbert is right in her assessment, then yes. But, I’ve never been able to figure out how one tells if a person is a soul mate.”