“Patrick, I made choices...”
“You’re so fucking strong and at the same time, you’re the fifteen-year-old girl I pulled into a literal hole in the wall.”
“No, you’re wrong,” I said. “I gave that girl up to survive.”
He shook his head. “You may have tried to hide her. I bet it worked when you were dealing with people who never knew her. And oh God, when you’re playing poker or seducing a Texas oilman, you keep her covered. But, Maddie girl, I see you and the clouds when you lower your defenses, when you allow me the immense privilege of seeing the real you.”
“The real me isn’t beautiful.”
“The real you is stunning and sad. Seeing the clouds helps me realize that I don’t hate you, Maddie,” he said with an inhale. “I hate what I see.” He exhaled. “I’ve never said this aloud to anyone. Losing you hurt. Fuck, I joined the army to die.”
His confession wounded while at the same time gave me strength. Honesty. We had that once. He was offering it again.
“You were gone,” he went on, “and I wanted to be gone too. I didn’t care if I came back from war because there was no one to come back to. I served two tours over there. I took ridiculous risks when it came to my own safety. Along the way, I found a family. I can hate you for leaving, no matter the reason. But where I am, where I was when I saw you again for the first time since your disappearance, it’s not a bad place to be. But you...” His words trailed away.
“I have Ruby,” I said, mustering the strength I could. “I don’t regret—”
His kiss stopped my words—the lie I’d been telling myself forever.
When our kiss ended, Patrick released my face until we were holding hands, mine in his and his in mine, like we used to. “I want every piece of you. I want to know what happened, what you did, and even what was done to you. I need that and you need to tell someone who will love you unconditionally.”
My head shook. “You won’t. I promise, you won’t.”
“I will, but I’m asking you to please wait. Don’t tell me yet.”
Nodding, I sniffled with relief.
I would tell him if he wanted. I’d tell him the horrible truth because he deserved to know. Yet in doing so, I would ensure the end to any hope of a future. What I would tell him would be a flame and fireball leaving our hopes and dreams in ashes. After all, what man would want a woman who had done what I had?
“Maddie, I’m a fucking shambles right now.”
I smiled as I scanned his naked Adonis form up and down. “If this is you as a shambles, I’m impressed. I’ve been rejected, but I’m impressed.”
“You weren’t rejected. I want you. I’m still fucking hard. I want you. Know that. Tell me you do.”
“I guess.”
“Not fucking you is more difficult than bending you over that stool and taking you.”
The emptiness he’d left between my legs ached. “Then do it.”
He kissed my forehead. “I want more than your body. You need to know that. I want what’s here.” He kissed my head again. “And here.” His hand came to my chest. “The thing is, I’m too fucking messed up at this moment with you, Ruby, and the war. If you confirm the information that I suspect about what’s happened to you, just like in the war in the desert, I’m liable to put all my personal safety aside and act recklessly. The difference now versus then is that now it isn’t all about me. It isn’t even all about you. I have a family who needs me to think straight.” He huffed. “With my head and not my dick, quoting a friend.”
Patrick sat on the edge of the settee and pulled me to his lap. I came to rest upon one of his strong thighs. “You are my wife, whether you admit it or not. I want to hate you and maybe that would be possible if I had ever stopped loving you.”
My head fell to his shoulder as more tears filled my eyes.
I had to be dreaming. Maybe I died back at the club or perhaps we both died at the Ann Arbor airport. After all I’d been through and what life had thrown my way, how was it possible that this strong, handsome, caring man could be back in my life?
I didn’t deserve him.
Patrick’s arms wrapped around me, pulling me against him. I was still nude, but so was he. We were both vulnerable. He’d shared something with me that he said he’d never vocalized. Knowing that filled me with as much warmth as his caresses.
I closed my eyes as he gently rubbed small circles on my back and down my spine. His touch was neither punishing nor demeaning, instead a gentle reassurance of overwhelming support.
“I never stopped loving you either,” I mumbled against his warm skin. I looked up. “I’m not sure I can ever say what you want to hear.” He wanted me to admit to his last name. If I did, I would relinquish Miller, a reward I didn’t deserve. My name was a daily reminder of what I’d done. Like a chain around my neck, it reminded me of my past and of my worth.
“I’m not giving up,” he said. “I want all of you. Admitting to our name is only one part.”
He joined the army to die.
As that thought resonated I said a silent prayer of thanksgiving, thankful that his wish hadn’t been granted. Even if we would never be what we’d dreamed a lifetime ago, there was still hope that one day he could be a part of Ruby’s life.
Ruby.
“Patrick.” I stared into his eyes. “The ambush...I hope you believe I didn’t know.”
“I believe you wouldn’t willingly leave Ruby.”
“You’re not questioning her existence?”
“No, it’s been confirmed beyond what you’ve told me.”
“How?” I asked. “We were promised security and anonymity at Westbrook.”
“I’m sure you know that there are ways.”
I shook my head. “If you or your people could find her, anyone could. I have to get to her.” I almost said I needed to tell Andros. Depending on him was a difficult habit to break. I feigned a smile. “You’re right, I wouldn’t leave her.” I sat up. “Tell me where we are going—and how will we get back to her? We have to get to her before Andros does.”
“It’s too late for that, but the war has just begun.”
Maddie
Seventeen years ago
I looked out the window of Kristine’s van as the streets of Chicago passed by. It wasn’t often that I rode anywhere. Mostly, Patrick and I walked. If I gave it a lot of thought, since meeting him, our world had been pretty small. Seeing the tall buildings of downtown Chicago on the horizon filled me with hope for our baby—if I were pregnant. There was a great big world out there and Patrick and I would show our little one the way.
“How have you been feeling?” Kristine asked as she navigated the highway.
I pulled the sleeves of an oversized sweatshirt over my fingers to try to get warmer. It had snowed earlier in the day. When I saw the giant flakes falling out the window, I was concerned Kristine would say we would need to postpone the appointment. She didn’t. Despite the earlier accumulation, the streets and especially the highways were clear. The sheer volume of traffic was probably the reason. Well, that and the temperatures were hovering in the high twenties. With the addition of sunshine, the melting was underway.
“I had early morning sickness this morning,” I replied to her question as the van filled with music I recognized from our church services.
“Early?”
“Yeah,” I said, “it was before everyone was awake. It woke me up.”
Kristine looked my way. “You were sick in your room. Does that mean Patrick knows?”
I wrapped my arms around my midsection as the heat continued to blow. “No. I made it to the bathroom. He doesn’t know yet. I wanted to say something this morning, but I figured what difference would a few hours make.”
She smiled. “You know what, let’s stop first and get you something to wear.”
I looked down at my blue-jean-covered legs. I’d acquired them from Kristine’s supply of donations. The t-shirt I was wearing beneath the sweatshirt was
also from her donations. The clothes were even loose. Besides this was just an appointment with a doctor. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”
She reached over and squeezed my knee. “Maddie, there’s nothing wrong with what you’re wearing. When was the last time you had new clothes, brand new from the store?”
I sat straighter. This was why I avoided food pantries and homeless shelters in the past. I didn’t want handouts. I didn’t want pity. I’d made my choices and was willing to work to improve. “I don’t need new clothes. I’m grateful for the clothes at the mission. Before we came to you I had the clothes I wore and one other outfit. Now, I even have a robe.”
“I would love to do more for everyone at the mission. It’s God’s work. Let me get you something special for your appointment.”
I looked at the clock in the dashboard. “I thought my appointment was at eleven. It’s already 10:15 a.m. and I don’t know how long it will take to get there.”
“I do. Hey,” Kristine said excitedly, “have you ever had your makeup done at the mall?”
“N-no. I don’t wear makeup.”
“Then it’s settled. We’re making a day of this. The office called this morning and said they had to change your appointment to three this afternoon. Let’s go downtown to the Magnificent Mile.”
The idea of being in such an expensive area wasn’t appealing. The people there looked at me like they’d walked on better things. I didn’t want their charity either. “We don’t have to.”
Kristine didn’t give up. “We can go to Water Tower Place. I know the perfect department store that can show you how to apply some makeup. Oh, and if we hurry, we might be able to have your hair done.”
“Done?” My nose scrunched. “I can’t...I don’t have enough money. I’m not sure I have enough for the appointment and test.”
“Maddie, stop worrying. The Lord has blessed Pastor Roberto and I. Please let me share.”
“Why can’t we wait? If we find out I’m pregnant, I’ll need things for my baby. I don’t need new clothes, makeup, or my hair done.”
Kristine’s smile faded as she made her way toward one of the downtown exits. “I understand. It’s that I don’t have children and I guess I wanted...you know, for you to be all done up to tell Patrick the news.”
Her disappointment was palpable. Leaning back against the seat I thought about all she’d done and what she’d offered.
Was it fair for me to reject her offer if it made her happy?
What would it be like to have new clothes?
I’d never before worn makeup. I remembered watching my mother apply mascara and lipstick. I’d always thought that one day I would be like her. She had dark hair, green eyes, and the brightest smile. I turned to Kristine. She was too young to be my mother, but I looked up to her, as I would my own mother. “Okay.”
“Okay?” she asked.
“If you think it’s a good idea. I feel funny being spoiled. I mean, the money could go to the mission.”
“Oh, Maddie,” Kristine said, “thank you for letting me do this. And we’ll get lunch too.”
I fed off of her excitement, allowing the possibility of an unplanned adventure to tingle through me. Shopping at the Magnificent Mile, being pampered at a cosmetic counter and a hair salon were unimaginable to me. I tugged my lip in anticipation. And then I thought of Patrick. I turned to Kristine, “Thank you for this. Patrick will never believe all I have to tell him tonight.”
“We can park in a garage downtown and walk. Are you all right with that?” she asked.
“I haven’t been downtown in a long time.”
After the van was parked and we were on the sidewalk with the sun streaming down, Kristine looped her arm through mine. “Come on, Maddie, let’s have a fun afternoon. I say we start with clothes, then makeup, and hair just before a late lunch. How does that sound?”
My eyes opened wide. “Crazy,” I said with a giggle. “It sounds crazy.”
By two o’clock, we were sitting in a restaurant within one of the big stores. For once, I didn’t feel completely out of place among normal people. I was wearing a dress that made me look older than I was. It was white with long sleeves and a neckline that went lower than I’d ever worn. When Kristine brought it to the dressing room, I couldn’t stop my complaints about how impractical a dress was for me. I mean, when would I wear it again?
However, after I tried it on, Kristine said it looked too good not to buy. The shoes she picked out were heeled. She said I needed the entire outfit and even bought silky pantyhose and new underwear—panties and a bra.
I couldn’t describe the feeling of wearing all the new clothes, all the way down.
The woman at the salon was very nice. She and Kristine decided to have my long hair trimmed and highlights added. After it was washed and dried, the lady curled it, the long tresses hanging in waves. At the department store, the woman at the makeup counter spent nearly twenty minutes talking about my skin tone, cheekbones, and eyes. I’d never thought about any of it before. By the time she showed me the mirror, I hardly recognized myself.
“What will Patrick think?” was my response.
“He’ll think he’s a lucky guy,” Kristine responded.
Now eating lunch, I sipped water and ate the most delicious cheeseburger I’d ever had in my memory. It wasn’t only a burger. The French fries were giant, not like McDonald’s, but thick and long. “Kristine, thank you,” I said as I finished the burger.
“Oh, Maddie, I’m so happy you let me do this. You’re absolutely beautiful.”
I looked down at the dress. “I hope Patrick thinks so.”
“Of course he will. What do you think?”
My cheeks warmed as my smile bloomed. “I feel like this isn’t me.”
“It is you. You’re a beautiful girl with so much potential. I’m sure they’ll agree.”
“Who?” I asked.
She looked down at her wristwatch. “Well, it’s about time to go to your appointment.”
I let out a long sigh. “I don’t know what I want to learn.”
Did I want to be carrying a baby?
“Well, no matter what you learn, you can’t do it here.”
I took a deep breath. “How long will it take us to get to the appointment?”
“Not long. The building is just a few blocks away.”
“Really? Downtown?”
Kristine laid cash on the table to pay for our lunch before looking up at me. “Yes, wait until you see the office. It’s beautiful with a view of the park.”
“Okay, let’s do this.”
After a short walk and an elevator ride, we were standing in an office waiting room with only four chairs. The sign outside the door simply read Miller Inc. “You’re sure this is a doctor’s office?” I asked.
Kristine went to the small window and spoke to the receptionist. When she came back she had paperwork for me to complete. “They just want you to answer a few questions.”
“Do I need to tell them all of this stuff?” I asked, reading through the form. “I don’t really know my family history or Patrick’s.”
“Just answer for yourself. It might be better to not put Patrick’s name on there, since you don’t know for sure.”
“I know he’s the father,” I said.
“Oh, sweetie, that’s not what I mean. I meant that you don’t know his family history.”
I looked at the form. “Should I use my maiden name?”
“They will want to see your ID.”
We’d not made it to the license branch to get new IDs after our wedding. Mine still read Madeline Tate.
“Okay, I’ll just fill this out about me and what I know.”
Kristine smiled.
“Miss Tate,” a lady called not long after I’d turned in the clipboard and pen along with my identification.
“That’s me.”
The older woman smiled at me and Kristine. “I’m Wendy. Do you mind if your sister joins you?”
Sister?
Oh, she meant Kristine.
“She isn’t—”
“I’d love to since they only allow family,” Kristine interrupted with a grin.
“Yeah, she can come.”
Wendy looked me up and down in my new clothes. “You sure are pretty.”
Though it made me a bit uneasy, I thanked her.
After confirming information such as my last period and sexual history, Wendy showed me to a bathroom and asked me to urinate in a cup. After that, I joined her and Kristine in a small examination room.
The sight of the table and stirrups made my skin cool as a clammy perspiration came to the surface. “Um, I’ve never...”
“It’s not that bad, Maddie,” Kristine said. “I’ll stand up by your shoulder and even hold your hand. Wendy just needs to confirm that you’re pregnant.”
Wendy handed me a paper gown. “Just put this on, sweetie. You can leave your bra on.”
I stared at the blue folded paper. “Everything else off? Won’t the pee tell you if I’m pregnant?” I was well aware that I sounded as unsure as I felt.
“Yes, but according to the dates you provided and your history of irregular menstruation, you could have become pregnant sooner than you are assuming. I want to check your uterus and see if we can get a better hold on how far along you are.”
“Are you saying you know I’m pregnant?”
“Change into the gown while Kristine and I talk in the hallway.”
“Kristine?” I asked.
“This is all routine, Maddie. Don’t worry.”
Nodding, I waited until the two left me alone. The drab room was small with the exam table, a light on a stretchy long thing, a stool, a chair, and a small counter with a sink attached to the wall. It had been a long time since I’d been seen anywhere that wasn’t a free clinic. I supposed my unease was due to simply being out of my element.
Once I had the new clothes removed and neatly folded, I donned the gown as I’d been instructed, climbed onto the exam table’s edge, and called to Kristine and Wendy.
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