by Coulton, JC
I just try and block out every minute. I’m getting used to the drug now. It doesn’t make me throw up anymore. One bad thing happened today. Lucy got really angry with me. I don’t know what I did, but she screamed at me about something, and now she won’t talk to me at all.
Neon gave us some new makeup today. She told me I have to start cutting my nails so they don’t scratch the clients. I’m not allowed to let myself go—whatever that means. They let us have showers and wash in one communal bathroom. We have to share towels. The makeup is kept there. It’s the wrong color for my skin, but I put it on anyway. If I don’t make enough money, they hurt me, and I’ll be standing on the corner all night in the cold. I’d rather be busy than do that. Standing there waiting is a terrible feeling, full of dread and shame. Our block is nearly deserted, so not many people drive past; except for the regulars. I wonder what the others think when they see me.
Day Eight
Today I stole another weapon. The nail file from the grooming kit. It’s tiny, but if something ever happens, I will have it on me. I keep it in the corner of my. I never know what those johns will do. I don’t think anyone noticed that I took the file. If they confront me, I’ll just deny it. That’s what Lucy tells me to do. Deny everything. She’s not angry anymore. She said she’s just getting close to her last straw. I understand. The pressure to keep getting up and working is terrible. She asked them for more drugs today. She told Neon’s guy it wasn’t enough. He told her to shut up and be grateful for what she got.
I found out it is definitely heroine they’re giving us. One of the other girls said they make the woman they take become mules after they’re finished here. Only after they’re so brainwashed they’ll do whatever they’re told and not run away from the risk. I wonder if this is happening to me. It’s not happening to Lucy. She may be quietly losing her mind, but she says she’ll never surrender her heart. She tickled me with her feather again. It made me laugh. Today, she seems better. She’s like an angel; keeping my hopes high.
Day Nine
Something terrible happened; worse than anything I’ve ever seen. I am shaking and I don’t know how much time I have left. I need to tell you this now before they come back in. Tonight in the van, Lucy was crying. It was something a client did and I couldn’t comfort her. She was almost catatonic. Neon’s guys told her to calm down, but she didn’t. She couldn’t. I thought it was going to be okay until one of the men opened the back of the van door, and saw that she was still crying. He started yelling and screaming at her to toughen up. He called her a dirty whore that deserved everything she got. He slapped her so hard. We all looked away. It’s stupid to try and fight back. Everyone knows that now, so we just look away and pretend it’s not happening.
Lucy fell back against the inside of the van. He got even angrier. He pulled her out of the van and told her to stand up straight. It was nearly dawn by then and they usually try to get us inside quickly. This time, though, she couldn’t walk. He dragged her. Her shoe came off and none of us were allowed to pick it up. We usually have to get inside the building before anyone sees so I did.
Whatever it was that happened, it made Lucy crazy. As soon as we got inside, she dropped to the floor and refused to get up. It was like she was passed out unconscious, but her eyes were open and she was moaning things I couldn’t understand. All the other girls had to get back to their rooms. They kept Lucy and I in the main room. Lucy stayed on the floor, barely moving.
I wasn’t sure what to do. I just stood in the corner. He tried to get her up. He tried to move her but she resisted and made herself like dead weight. She ignored his orders too. He warned her once and then twice to get up but she didn’t. He was getting more and more agitated as the time wore on. Lucy just lay there babbling.
Finally he called for the rest of Neon’s guys. When they came back, that’s when I saw the rage come over him. I scuttled out of the way while he ran at her, kicked her and then kicked her again. He was kicking as hard as he could. His leg kept swinging back really far to prepare for each blow. Lucy didn’t make another sound. Her body absorbed the shock of each hit. He was ferocious, letting that boot fly into her ribs and legs over and over.
At one point, he kicked her in the head. That’s when I vomited on my shoes. The sound of his boot on her head sounded disgusting. I knew she was going to die. After that, I didn’t watch. I stood and faced the wall. I heard the silence of Lucy dying, I heard the man breathing so hard; and I heard when he finally stopped.
There was silence for maybe ten minutes. The whole time I was sure I was going to be next. All I did was hide my face in my hands. I crumpled to the floor and was curled up in a little ball, trying to be as small as I could. I didn’t look or dare breathe for fear that he would start on me next.
Eventually, he told me to get up. I nearly vomited again from pure fear. I held it in my mouth as I turned around. He took me back to the room, and there was blood on the floor when I walked past; blood and some white stuff. My angel Lucy.
There was nothing I could do. I just had to follow him and say nothing. I wasn’t even crying. I just stared at the floor, sure that any second he was going to turn around and punch me in the face. We passed the spot where I found my precious earring, and he unlocked the door and shoved me inside. When the door closed behind me, I collapsed.
I sank to my knees on the floor; I looked at her mattress and saw the feather she always kept under her pillow. She was so beautiful, so loving, even in the worst of pain, there was nothing she wouldn’t do for someone who was in need. Where do I go from here?
Day Ten
The grief overwhelms me. There is nothing left to hope for. I am like a robot. I’m a puppet, doing what I’m told to get through. Dance, Sarah, dance. I look in the mirror and see my face looking the same. Inside, I’m like the most decrepit circus monkey. I’m the ape that’s made to perform with chains on. There is nothing left. No fight.
The first thing I did was rescue Lucy’s feather. They will not take that away from me. My collection of memories is growing now; the hole under the floorboard is my salvation. When I came off the streets tonight, I lifted the board. I sat and stared at everything that was inside. Memories of my Dad began to overwhelm me as I looked at the earring. There is no way to convey the pain and regret I’m feeling. I should have never left home. Mum will have to cope somehow.
Next I look at the nail file. What a stupid little girl I was to think something like that could protect me. There was nothing I could have done for Lucy. Those punks would have laughed and owned me. When it came down to it, I was crippled. I couldn’t even stroke her hair. The only blessing is she seemed to have lost her mind before it happened. Maybe she didn’t feel it like I did—the crunch of his boot in her flesh. That sound will never leave me. There’s no music loud enough to block it out. It is printed forever on the inside of my eardrum.
If you read this notebook, you will understand the truth about what happened. You may also be one of us. I started writing to help the next girl who finds herself in this place, but now, I hope there won’t be anyone else. These pages have started to fill up with my pain, but when I started, I want it to give you hope. Still, every word I write makes it a tiny bit easier to stay alive. I am close now to letting go. It’s hard to remain hopeful in a place like this. Lucy used to talk about the wind and the sky and the universal knowledge. None of that exists in this room without her.
I trusted what she said. That we’d get out of here. Now, I have no faith.
Day Eleven
Today I am numb. They’re giving me more and more drugs each time. Maybe they can hear me screaming. I don’t even hold it in. I’ve been looking at the walls and thinking about birds.
Flying away would be amazing. I’d need to be able to float up and through the screen that blocks the window. Or maybe I can do it when I’m on a street corner. If I could become only a particle of myself, it would work. I am smaller now anyway.
My mind is smaller, my
brain is smaller, and I am shrinking every day. My soul is disappearing, and my body is leaving too. I’ve never been so thin. My arms are like sticks. I am fading away.
I don’t know if I will make it to the day when someone rescues me. I don’t know if I can wait it out any longer. I’m serious. I want to sleep forever. I can’t touch one more cock. I can’t taste another john without vomiting. I can’t have one more man put his hands on me.
My mind is going. I can feel it. Each day I spend more and more time dreaming about the past. It’s my only escape. I’m not even in my body anymore. When they hurt me, I just leave and go to that spot in the corner of my mind, where things are soft and fuzzy and painless. That place has memories of my parents hugging me; memories of the time I won a spelling bee. I even remember the first time I saw a butterfly.
I want to stay in that little place all the time, and never see the walls of this room again. I want to disappear. I think about dying every day. I don’t know how I could do it. Maybe I can step in front of a car when I’m on the street again. All I know is I can’t do this anymore. I know I’ve said this a million times, but now I can’t. Please help me. I need to sleep.
Day Twelve
Today I know that I can’t go on. They have taken my freedom, and my will to live. With Lucy gone, I have no one to hold on to.
I want to keep writing, I need to keep writing. But I look at my handwriting on the page and I can barely read them. Is this insanity? Am I losing my mind? I think it’s happening and when it does, I will have nothing left.
Freedom of thought is something I didn’t believe they could ever take from me. But here we are. The day has come when I don’t know if my screams are real or just in my head.
To the person who finds this book: I am sorry. I am certain this is my last entry. There is nothing more to say. I am leaving you this precious collection of possessions to continue the struggle. Hold these items close to your heart. Know that I kept it up for as long as I could.
What Neon and her dogs have done is evil and insane. I may be losing my mind but I will never let evil own me. Even if I can’t do it anymore, I believe you can rise above this, my friend, my sister, my child. Fly out of here like a beautiful bird. Hold Lucy’s feather close to your heart and know that you are not alone.
We may have been victimized, but victims we are not. Find your peace within. Escape if you can. No matter what happens, fly.
I don’t feel the tears rolling down my face until I finish reading. I am sobbing, clutching the notebook and swearing that I will never surrender.
The sorrow for Sarah and Lucy is overwhelming. But my determination is strong and silent within. I will find a way to bring down Neon Lips. I will make her and those ugly men pay for everything they’ve done to April and me, and to Sarah and Lucy. I swear it.
Chapter 8
Blake
Moving through the crowded sidewalk is a little harder than normal with my injuries. My ribs are killing me. It’s hard to breathe. I’d rather be at home on the couch, but this meeting with Ryan is important. I need that guy in more ways than one. He’s the only one I trust to give me the low down on what’s happening at the station.
I’m a little early, and so is Ryan. I signal and head straight over to the table where he’s sitting. The waitress is on the ready today. She’s at our side in no time, taking my coffee order. She’s cute and flirtatious, but I don’t acknowledge her, beyond being polite. I’ve got my mind on one woman and one woman only. I have no idea about Ryan. I’m pleased that when she walks away to place our order, he gets right down to business.
“First of all, I crosschecked all the information you told me to check against related cases. I ran a search and came up with some interesting results.” He hands me a brown manila folder across the small table as he speaks. “I know you’ve already got your own information sources, so this may not be as exciting as it sounds. There’s still a chance it could be more significant.”
I get hopeful when I flip open the folder. Three of the cases he’s been looking at are incredibly similar to April’s abduction. This is progress. Good police work is all about finding patterns. I need to make sure that I cover every base.
“Thanks,” I say. “Can I take this folder home? I could use some time to read it over.”
“No problem,” he tells me. “I haven’t had a chance to take more than a cursory look. It’s been pretty intense at the station, even while I’m on light duties. And you know it’s always tense when the FBI is sniffing around.”
“I’d bet.”
“The FBI is on a crusade, Blake. Agent Cooper’s out for blood.”
“Yeah I know. I don’t regret getting on the wrong side of that guy. He’s an asshole, and he’s the one who put Carrie in danger as far as I’m concerned. Well, at least you’re keeping an eye out. You can warn me.”
Ryan nods and points at the folder. “Sure. Take your time reading it. I hope it helps.”
“So what is the FBI actually saying?” I ask.
“Those dudes have attitude. Even the younger agents have been walking around like they own the place. They’re doing a full investigation of every case where Neon was a suspect or person of interest. It’s bad. And they’re not just investigating, they’ve invaded our space. Two of the interview rooms have been set aside for them since they arrived. People are pissed.”
“Jesus,” I say. “I didn’t realize it was that intense. This just keeps getting worse. What does Jacob have to say about it?”
“She’s taking the high road. She’s going by the book, and playing nice to assist. I was sure she would have put her foot down, but nothing yet. It’s been a real pain. Agent Cooper is making his presence felt.”
I think about the case for a second. “Was I really that out of place trying to turn an ex-girlfriend into a CI? We’re trained to use whatever contacts we have, Ryan. What am I missing?”
“Actually there is something else Blake. I’ve been watching the surveillance videos.”
“Which ones?”
“From the night you went to speak with Neon. There was more going on than you think.”
“What do you mean?”
“Did you have any idea that you were talking to Neon but standing right next to April Lee?”
“I didn’t at first. Why?” My stomach drops at the look on his face. He’s dead serious. “They don’t think I was in on it, do they?” He doesn’t answer, but I know that’s what he’s thinking. “Are you fucking kidding me? Neon told me they were from Buffalo, or somewhere upstate. There’s no way I would have left her there if I had known. So is this what the suspension is about? They think I’m working with Neon?”
“The video doesn’t help, Blake. You’re never looking directly at April Lee. In fact, it looks like she’s trying to hide her face. It’s definitely April standing behind Neon. And in a later frame, she walks across the shot and gets into a car. This is why the FBI is gunning for you, man.”
My mouth is left gaping. Slowly, pieces of the puzzle begin to sink in. If the FBI thinks I saw April on the street and did nothing, it’s no wonder they’re after my ass. I would do the same thing if I had seen the same thing. And shit, it explains Carrie’s enraged phone call that night. I’m shaking my head, of course. “I’ve been walking round with only half of the story.”
“Blake, I don’t have to ask you. I know you’re telling the truth. Your face is white as a ghost right now, bud. This situation looks pretty bad.”
I feel sick in an entirely new way. It’s no wonder Carrie thinks I’m having an affair with Neon. I can see exactly why she was yelling at me now. Of course she was crying and decided to go out searching the streets. She didn’t trust me!
On top of that, she didn’t trust Cooper for whatever reason, so she decided to take things into her own hands. This is worse than I thought. Not only will the entire station think I’m a criminal, but Carrie’s disappearance is on me. She would never have been out there alone had she trusted m
e. None of this would have gone down if I didn’t believe Neon.
“Fuck!” I say quietly to Ryan. “What a mess. This couldn’t be worse. What am I supposed to do now?”
Ryan shakes his head. “There’s nothing you can do. You need to wait. Sooner or later the truth is gonna come out and all you can do is sit tight.”
“I can’t do it Ryan. Could you?”
“If you go near this case again, your career is history. You just have to trust that the FBI will figure it out.”
“But they have no idea what they’re doing!” I say, frustrated as I stand to leave. “There’s nothing anyone can say to make me stop looking for her, Ryan.”
He gets to his feet and holds his hands up. His stance is conciliatory, as he tries to calm me down. “Look, I know I can’t stop you, but at least be your eyes?”
I think for a second. He’s right. I can’t do this alone. I need to learn from this. When it comes to Neon, her expressions of truth are almost always a lie.
“So you’re saying you’ll be my eyes and ears in the station?” I ask.
“I’m saying I’ll be your partner on this. We’ll talk every day, discuss new leads, and I’ll make sure I’m there to back you up when the time comes. How does that sound?”
I nod. “I don’t want you getting in shit with Jacob for this, but I also can’t keep stumbling around in the dark. Okay, I guess it’s a deal.”
“You guess?” He’s angry at my flippant dismissal. “You need to get your head out of your ass, bud. This is no joke.”
“I’m sorry man. I’m just shocked at this new info. I’m the one who made this mess and I should be the one to clean it up.”
“I hear you. You just need to know you shouldn’t have to do it alone.”