by Emma Vikes
I was seated on a lounge chair, the papers on my lap “Amy,” I called my daughter’s attention after a while.
She didn’t seem to hear me so I called her again.
Fortunately, Logan heard me calling her and tapped her shoulder.
Amy turned around to look at me. “Yes, Mom?”
“It’s bedtime,” I softly said, pointing at the grandfather clock that I got from a flea market.
Amy pouted but yawned. Then, she let out a defeated sigh and stood from the couch.
“You can continue watching that tomorrow,” I said. “If you’d like, as long as you regulate it.”
Her face broke into a smile and she cheered. She turned to Logan and then launched herself at him in a tight hug. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Logan! Goodnight.” She almost ran up to the stairs.
I quietly followed her, letting Logan tidy up the living room. Amy climbed on the bed and I pulled her blanket over her, turning on her night light. “Did you have fun tonight?”
“I had so much fun with Logan and I think I’m going to be a better artist now that he taught me to draw properly!”
Her remark made me smile. I gently stroked her hair. “That’s good to hear, sweetheart.”
I was about to kiss her forehead and wish her a good sleep when she said, “He showed me drawings of you.”
Her statement stunned me into silence for a moment and I stared at her. A spark lit in her eyes that I couldn’t quite read. “What do you mean?”
Amy shrugged. “Logan had Raquel buy him a sketchpad earlier and he started drawing on it the moment he received it. He made tons of drawings of you. He claims that none of them were complete in the way he wanted them to be but it sure looked like you! You’re an artist’s muse, Mom!”
I knew she meant it as a compliment but the thought sent a pang of pain through my being. It had been so long since Logan drew me.
Amy didn’t seem to notice how her words affected me and continued talking, “But you looked a little young in the drawings and you were mostly in the park, sitting under a shade and studying.”
It was an image he had drawn of me a hundred times. Whenever I went to study at the park, he would come with me and stay by my side. He told me he wanted to make sure no one hit on me while I was there since apparently, parks were home to perverts and players. While I studied, Logan would lose himself in a sketchpad and each time I snatched it from him, it was a drawing of me.
“You need to stop drawing me. People will think that I’m the only person you know how to draw.”
Logan chuckled as he snatched the sketchpad from my hand. “I could draw you a million times but I can never capture how beautiful you are. That’s why I keep doing it. It’s not complete until I finally capture your beauty.”
“You sure it was me? Maybe he went to the park and drew a random person under a tree, studying.”
Amy shook her head, eyes absolutely certain. “People can make an abstract drawing or painting of you and I’d know it’s you, Mom.”
My heart melted at her statement. I gave her a tight hug, stroking her back gently, and then kissing her forehead. “Get some sleep, sweetheart. You had a long day. I love you.”
“I love you too, Momma. Don’t work too much tonight.”
I closed the door gently behind me when I left her room and leaned against it for a moment, trying to calm my erratically beating heart. The idea of Logan still drawing me in the same way he used to left me in an emotional turmoil I couldn’t explain.
But at the same time, it brought forth a gust of warmth that seemed to thaw my frozen heart.
I expected Logan to have retreated to his room after tidying up the living room but I was surprised to see him stretched out on the couch, the sketchpad on his lap. He looked up and our eyes met and a spark flashed through his green eyes.
For a moment, I wondered if it was the same spark I used to see in his eyes whenever he spotted me when we were together.
“You still have to work on that?” he asked, motioning at the documents he set on the coffee table.
I approached him and picked it up, sitting on the lounge chair. I nodded at him. I could tell Logan was being cautious now since it was just the two of us and I felt the same. There didn’t seem to be any tension between us for the first time in a while and it felt really nice. Both of us seemed to want to keep it at that.
“Yes. The trial would be at 8 AM on Monday. I’ve already gone over everything but sometimes, the prosecution could spot something that I didn’t. It just puts my work into a hassle.”
“You sound confident that your client is innocent.”
His statement made me pause and wonder if he was taking a jab at me. I’d blatantly told him how I didn’t fully believe he was innocent with his case. After the conversation I had with Layla, I knew that judgment had been wrong and I was long overdue to give him an apology.
I crossed my legs and let out a long exhale. “I always want to standby what my clients claim. If they claim they didn’t do it, I want to believe them. It’s easier to defend them when you’re in the same boat as them. But there had been instances when clients claimed their innocence when they were guilty.”
Logan studied me intently as I explained it.
“I’m sorry if I doubted you, Logan. I based my judgment off my experience as a lawyer rather than my experience of knowing you.”
He stared at me for a moment.
I waited for him to say something but he looked down on the pad again, a smile on his lips. I didn’t say anything after that, wanting the comfortable silence between us to last. He sat there on the couch, sketching, while I sat on the lounge chair, reading the case I had for Monday.
Logan moved and stood up, setting aside the sketchpad face down on the couch. “I’m heading to the kitchen. Is there anything you want?”
“Sleep,” I muttered and looked up at him pouting my lips slightly and sighing a little bit. “I really want to sleep right now.”
He chuckled. “You have the rest of the weekend to go over that.”
“I don’t want to do work on the weekend when I could spend it with Amy. Besides, I’m nearly done anyway.”
He nodded and then headed to the kitchen. It took him a little while to come back and when he did, I heard a can pop and fizzle and when I looked up, he was offering me a can of beer. “I know you didn’t ask and it’s probably not what you want when you’re working but its ice cold. I thought you’d want one when you saw me having one.”
I accepted the can and took a small sip before setting it on the coffee table.
Logan was quick to put a coaster under it before I set it down. He sunk back into the sofa, sitting properly this time, the can in his hand. “Liv, there’s something I wanted to ask.”
His statement made me look at him. My heart raced suddenly, the soothing calmness basking us slowly slipping away. “What is it?”
Logan chewed on his bottom lip for a moment and took his time before asking, “I know you told me that I could stay here for two nights. Technically, tonight’s the second night and I’m sure you want me out of your hair by tomorrow. But Clara hasn’t fixed things yet so, can I stay until the weekend?”
I stared at Logan for a while. I saw no trace of his usual confidence that seemed to be a permanent expression on his face. He looked unsure and almost shy to ask me the favor, much like how he looked when he first asked me at the firm. “You really don’t have anywhere else to stay?”
“I think Clara can figure out something soon since she mentioned she had an idea but she wanted to make sure things were settled first.”
I nodded, pursing my lips and then I let out a soft exhale, leaning back on the chair. “Okay. You can stay until the weekend. Besides, I think it would upset Amy if you leave tomorrow. You seemed to have grown on her.”
Logan smiled at this and a spark of sincerity appeared in his eyes when he said, “Actually, I think it’s the opposite. I think Amy charmed me so much I would do abs
olutely anything for her.”
His statement made my heart skip a beat and forced me to reach for the can of beer. I took a few gulps before setting it back down.
All the while, Logan stared at me.
“She’s quite the charmer and I’m certain that’s a trait that she didn’t get from me.”
Logan continued to stare at me even more intently.
I looked away, reaching for the beer again, and setting aside the documents I needed to review. It was pointless to try and finish it now. I was no longer in the right mood to do so and I was already trapped in the spell of Logan Crewe.
“Who does she take after then?” The question sounded innocent but he’d phrased accordingly to what he really wanted to know.
I swallowed, clenching my hand on the can tightly my fingers causing an indentation. “It’s not something that I like talking about. Especially with you.”
Logan let out a small chuckle. “I don’t think there’s anything you would really like to talk about with me other than the case, Liv. You’ve always made that point clear. It’s just…we used to talk about everything under the sun. It’s sad that we can’t do that anymore. Did ten years really do that to us?”
No, Logan, it was heartbreak that did that to us. It was you walking away from me with a vague answer as to why. But I couldn’t say this. I didn’t have the courage to. “Ten years is a long time to make us strangers again.”
He didn’t say anything as he fell quiet for a moment, staring at the can of beer in his hands.
I thought that would be it, that my statement ended the conversation and whatever direction it was headed.
But Logan set the can of beer aside and stood up. He approached me, his eyes never leaving mine, and knelt in front of me.
He was so close that I could feel his breath on my face and could smell the beer from his mouth. Logan swallowed and took a deep breath, leaning even closer so our lips were nearly brushing.
I could push him away but I was frozen in the moment. Logan had this hold on me that rooted me in position.
And as if he was stuck in a trance, he whispered, “But ten years wasn’t long enough for what I felt for you to disappear.”
His words rocketed to my heart and evidently to my soul as I stared into his green eyes.
He looked so vulnerable in that moment and he leaned closer, pressing his lips against mine. The kiss was languid and slow, gentle manner and surprising coming from Logan.
His mouth felt warm and inviting as the kiss unraveled the heartaches I’d felt because of him.
I pushed him away.
He stared at me, looking hurt. “Liv…”
I shook my head at him, standing from my seat. “Why, Logan? Why do you keep doing this to me?”
Logan stood, towering over me now. He went to take a step closer to me.
I immediately took one back, raising a hand at him to stop him from coming close again.
“I’m sorry. I…I crossed the line again.”
“You seem to do that a lot.”
He licked his lips. “But I meant what I said, Olivia. Ten years didn’t change what I felt for you.”
I clenched my fists, angry at what he was saying. “Oh please, Logan. You were the one who turned away from what we had. You were the one who ended it. Do you honestly expect me to believe that you mean that? You broke my heart, Logan. You were heartless. You’re the reason why I don’t trust men with my heart anymore. It’s no longer available. Not for you. Not for anyone but me and Amy.”
Logan continued to stare at me intently. “I didn’t mean to, Olivia. I…I didn’t mean to break your heart. It was just that…” Even now, he seemed to be at lost for an explanation.
The conversation reopened old wounds I’d thought had healed and I couldn’t help myself. If he wanted re-visit our past, then that’s what we were going to do. “Just what, Logan? I wasn’t enough? Stop making excuses and stop making me want to believe you still have feelings for me. I’m no longer the stupid 18-year old that was in love with you.”
Logan looked down and took a deep breath. “I didn’t mean to break your heart but what we had scared me, Olivia. Our whole world revolved around each other and I had dreams and aspirations and so did you. I was so scared that we couldn’t reach them because we would weigh each other down.”
All I could do was stare at him and I couldn’t help myself—I slapped him. “That’s fucking bullshit, Logan. You broke my heart for yourself. Don’t drag me into your fucking excuse.” He didn’t have the right to drag me into that excuse when he stomped on my heart without remorse.
“I didn’t want to drag you down!” he defended.
I scoffed and shook my head. “No, Logan. You didn’t want to be dragged down. You were never dragging me down. Our relationship was never a burden to me but it seemed like it was to you that’s why you ended it. You’re selfish, Logan. You’re a selfish asshole that’s why…”
That’s why I could never tell you about Amy.
Logan kept staring at me, his own anger reflecting on his face. “Why what?”
I knew he felt angry and hurt at the words we were throwing against each other, but I couldn’t stop. “That’s why I never wanted to be with someone like you again. People like you will only think about themselves. No one else matters to you but you, Logan.”
Logan clenched his jaw and looked away then took a step back. The hurt clear in his eyes. “Is that what you really think of me?”
For some reason, it broke my heart that I had to break his now, as I sighed. “Isn’t that how you really are?”
Logan let out a long exhale. He backed away and before he disappeared into his room, he looked at me with longing in his eyes. “You’re right. I cared about myself too much but I cared about you so much that it scared me. I never understood why it did. But now, it makes sense.”
15
Olivia
I couldn’t sleep. It was nearly three in the morning and I’d been tossing and turning in bed. Sleep eluded me no matter how hard I tried. I even counted sheep just for the heck of it, in hopes that the sandman would visit me and put me to sleep. But no matter how hard I tried, nothing worked for me and my brain continued to play out the argument I had with Logan.
I didn’t mean to break your heart but what we had scared me, Olivia.
Our whole world revolved around each other and I had dreams and aspirations and so did you.
I was so scared that we couldn’t reach them because we would weigh each other down.
His words continued to haunt me and for the first time since Logan Crewe threw my heart on the ground and trampled on it, I thought of why. The night he broke up with me, I wanted an explanation. I deserved an explanation but no matter how much I begged him then, he wouldn’t say anything. I could’ve harassed him but I gave up on it too.
I couldn’t go after him, I was going to have Amy and I didn’t want to focus on my broken heart when I was about to become a mother. For years, I tried to avoid thinking about it. You could say that I’d been running away from it and refusing to face it. Maybe it was one of the reasons why no matter how much I thought I’d prepared myself, I still didn’t want to face Logan.
Because I didn’t want to think about all the whys of the downfall of our relationship.
With a deep sigh, I rolled out of bed and tiptoed out of my room. Amy was fast asleep in her room and I quietly climbed down the stairs, heading to the kitchen. I didn’t want to turn on the lights, not wanting to risk waking up Logan.
“You still have heavy footsteps. It’s a good thing Amy’s a heavy sleeper.”
I gasped, my eyes widening at the sight of Logan nursing a cup on the kitchen counter. “You’re awake.”
He glanced up at me, his eyes rimmed slightly red, and dark circles framing them. “I couldn’t sleep.”
“And you thought coffee might help?”
Logan let out a deep chuckle. “It’s warm milk. You taught me that it helps a person get throu
gh the night. I’ve been having it every time I can’t sleep. You’re having one too, aren’t you?”
Pursing my lips, I didn’t answer his question. I went to the refrigerator, took out the carton of milk, poured it in a mug, and then headed to the microwave to warm it.
Neither of us spoke and the timer of the microwave filled our tensed silence.
When my milk was done, I took the mug and was ready to head back upstairs.
“Liv.”
I stopped but I didn’t turn around to face him.
“I’m sorry.”
My heart dropped at the words and I fought the urge to turn around and look at him. Logan was never the type to apologize.
“I’m sorry that I was a coward and what we had scared me. I mean it, Liv. I never loved anyone the way I loved you and it scared the fuck out of me.”
His last statement made me scoff. “And yet, you let me go and broke my heart in the process.”
I could hear him standing up from his seat when I heard the stool moving.
“The enormity of what I felt for you scared me, Liv, but at the same time, I didn’t want to lose sight of the future I planned. Being with you sometimes made me forget what I wanted for myself. That scared me. I was losing sight of what I wanted as long as I had you.”
“So you chose your dreams over me,” I whispered. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I could hate him for doing that. He’d been running after his dreams. Had I been in his position, maybe I would’ve done the same thing.
“To be honest, I was also scared that there would come a day when I didn’t reach my dreams and blamed you for all of it. I didn’t want to break your heart that way. That would’ve been unfair.”
I finally turned around to face him and my eyes brimming with unshed tears. I wanted to be angry at him but I knew that what he did was reasonable, even if it broke my heart in the process. “And yet you still did, Logan. You still broke me in a way that no one else has, that no one else ever will.”