by Emma Vikes
And when Olivia kissed me goodnight and disappeared into the building, it was then when the startling thought crossed my mind. It was the intensity of what I felt for her, the overwhelming desire to protect her, be with her and love her for the rest of my life. The vast immensity of my love for her suddenly paved way for another feeling to come into the surface.
I was suddenly scared of it all.
“Logan?”
The voice sounded quiet and timid but was enough to bring me out of my reverie. I sat up, grabbing a shirt before opening the door.
Amy stood in the doorway, looking up at me with the same set of hazel eyes as her mother’s.
“Good morning, sweetheart.”
“Mom left early.” She held up a note to support her statement.
I picked it up and read what Olivia wrote.
“And I forgot that I’m supposed to be in soccer practice at nine!”
I could see the panic in her eyes. I crouched down in front of her and placed both my hands on her shoulders. “Do you need me to drive you to school?”
She shook her head. “Mrs. Whitefield is supposed to pick me up but I don’t think Mom would be thrilled to know that I left without telling her.”
I nodded, understanding her dilAmy. “I’ll call your Mom. If she doesn’t pick up, I’ll leave her a message. Go and get ready and I’ll make you breakfast.”
Amy lingered for a moment and I waited for her to say something but she shook her head and dashed back upstairs.
I washed up in the bathroom then headed to the kitchen to make Amy breakfast. Olivia had a box of instant mix pancakes so I made thm for Amy, along with scrambled eggs and bacon; the only things I knew to make.
She came downstairs as I poured myself a cup of coffee and was leaving Olivia a message since she wasn’t answering. I handed her a plate filled with food. “Make sure you finish all that. Do you want me to make your lunch?”
Amy shook her head and then had a sheepish smile on her face. “Can I ask for twenty dollars for lunch money?”
I couldn’t help but chuckle and made my way back to my room. I handed her a hundred dollar bill because I didn’t have smaller amounts.
Her eyes widened. “I’ll return the change.”
Shaking my head, I smiled at her. “It’s okay. Knock yourself out.”
When we heard a car honk outside, Amy fumbled with the shoelaces of her shoes.
I stopped her by the doorway then crouched down in front of her and tied her shoes. I looked up at her.
She was beaming brightly at me.
The sight of her smile melted my heart. I kissed her on the forehead and she wrapped her arms around me in a hug.
“Have fun, alright?”
She nodded. “Thank you, Logan.”
As I watched her go and I was hit by a sense of wonder. If I’d had enough courage to continue what I had with Olivia back then, would that mean she wouldn’t have had Amy? As the thought occurred to me, I knew Olivia wouldn’t want to live in a world where she didn’t have her daughter. I could see how much she loved and adored Amy.
Since I’d first met the little girl, I’d felt that it was a pity that she had to grow up without a dad by her side.
I went back inside the house and cleaned up the kitchen. I checked my phone but Olivia hadn’t responded to my voice mail yet. I finished the cup of coffee, washed the dishes, and then retreated into my room. I wanted to distract myself from thoughts that involved Olivia, so I decided to watch videos on my phone.
“Where the heck are my Airpods?” I muttered to myself as I crouched down to check under the bed. The case for my Airpods had rolled off to one side and rested against a pink box with Amy’s name on it. Curiously, I took the box out too.
The box contained things about Amy. From baby pictures to her birth certificate and even the clothes she first wore as a newborn. I’d always known Olivia to be sentimental and this was one of those moments when I truly appreciated that trait. I went through the items, wanting to see the pictures of baby Amy.
She was adorable and tiny. I couldn’t help but smile as I stared at the picture of her. The sight of it triggered an emotion within me that I couldn’t quite explain. I almost teared up at the sight of her as a newborn and wondered how hard it must’ve been for Olivia to handle her on her own.
I went through the other things and couldn’t help but read Amy’s birth certificate. I checked the father’s name but nothing was written on it which was disappointing. I thought Olivia would’ve written it down but then again, maybe she had issues with the guy who got her pregnant. Still, I couldn’t help but feel bad for Amy.
When the time came whe she would start asking questions, Olivia would probably have a hard time explaining. But as I went through the box, even more, I noticed a letter addressed to Amy. Then something else caught my attention.
At the very bottom of the box were the drawings I had of Liv. She had neatly stacked all of them and in order of the dates that I’d drawn them. I couldn’t help but look at every drawing I had of her and us and wondered why she kept them after all these years. Olivia was sentimental but I was the man who’d broken her heart.
I noticed she still kept the battered copy of The Little Prince, the one that I gave her when we were dating. I had forgotten I had given it to her but she still kept it. I held it in my hands and stared at it, at the tanned pages and the nearly ruined cover. I flipped through the pages, reliving my childhood and our relationship. Then, a letter fell from the pages, one addressed to me.
Dear Logan,
It’s been seven months since you turned your back on me without any explanation as to why you were done with me. Sometimes, I wondered what was wrong with me. Why didn’t I deserve an explanation? Wasn’t I worth five minutes of your time to tell me why you’re suddenly done with what we had? I wanted to wallow on all the possible answers that you might have given me.
I wanted to chase after you countless of times and beg you to take me back, to stay, to love me again. Often, I would wonder, did you even love me at all?
But then the reality would hit me and I would be brought back to my present situation. I didn’t have the luxury of wallowing over my heart-break and nursing over it. I didn’t have the time to mull over all the whys and hows and what-ifs. I didn’t have the time to chase after you and beg you to stay no matter how much I wanted to.
I was willing to break my number one rule for you. But I didn’t. Not because I didn’t want to but because I knew that I shouldn’t. You made it very clear to me that you didn’t want me anymore and who was I to chase after you and beg?
But other times…other times I wanted to step on my pride and go against my principles. I wanted to find you, knock on your door, and throw that damn pregnancy test in front of your face. Maybe then you would’ve stayed. Maybe the truth would’ve wiped that arrogant smirk off your face and force you to man up and commit.
Before anything, yes, Logan, the baby that’s still in my womb as I write this letter to you is yours. You’re the only guy I’ve ever had sex with and if you argue with me that you were safe the whole time, screw you. Ross got Rachel pregnant in Friends. Condoms aren’t 100% efficient. As unbelievable as it might seem to you, you knocked me up, Logan Crewe.
I knew that the baby would’ve made you stay and I could’ve pitted that against you but I didn’t have the heart to. I couldn’t force you to stay with me, raise the child with me, and have you walk out on us one day because we weren’t enough. You have such big dreams, Logan, and I’m afraid that the baby and I would stop you from reaching them.
It’s a possible future that could leave my child in heartbreak and I can’t do that. I can’t let you do that to her. I can’t let you do that to yourself. And as I write this letter you, I wonder if I’ll ever have the courage to send it to you. You deserve the truth, Logan, but I don’t know what happens next if you know.
Or I could have our child read this letter and when the day comes that she’ll sear
ch for you, I’ll have her give it to you then. Until then, Logan Crewe, I hope you’re well and I hope you and our child find each other one day.
With love,
Olivia Wilson
I stared at the letter and my brain tried to process everything that Olivia wrote. The truth felt like a spear coming straight into my heart and piercing it true and through. I gasped, my hand shaking, my eyes blurring with tears and I couldn’t think straight as I processed everything.
All along, I wondered about Amy’s father. For a while, I was jealous of a non-existent guy that I thought was part of Olivia’s life as her partner. Sometimes, I wondered how someone could turn his back on such a wonderful little girl and an amazing woman like Olivia. I’d wondered about Amy’s father quite often and it never occurred to me that she could’ve been mine.
But the truth stared at me right in the face now that I was aware of it. Amy looked so much like me. We had the same facial structure, the same blonde hair, and the only thing she got from Liv was those hazel eyes of hers. I hated myself for not realizing it sooner, for standing by her side unaware of the truth, staring at me right in my face.
Amy was my daughter.
17
Olivia
I knew that I should’ve headed home because Logan was there and he was the very person I needed to talk to. Despite what was going on between us, the case was still important and he was my client. Clearing his name should be the priority but I didn’t have the courage I needed to face him after his confession last night.
As heart-breaking as the truth had been, I didn’t want to be the reason why he couldn’t be the person he always aspired to become. When you loved someone, the last thing you wanted was to be the person that held them back. Logan wanted to soar high and I didn’t want to be the one that reeled him back in.
And had he stayed, it was still a heartbreak in the making. Had he stayed and knew about Amy, I didn’t want us to reach a point of him leaving because we weren’t enough. It was a small possibility but it was a possibility nonetheless. I didn’t want to take my chances. I didn’t want Logan to break Amy’s heart too.
Closing my eyes, I rested my head against the steering wheel. I drove to the park but didn’t even bother to get out of the car. I needed some time to think and wrap my mind around everything. There was Julija’s decision to settle and that was great news. But agreeing to her terms also meant Logan would never get a chance to prove his innocence.
Technically, it was a double win for Julija if Logan agreed.
Then, there was everything Logan told me and the weight of the truth I needed to tell him. I was a hypocrite to demand an explanation out of him but withholding him from the information he deserved too. I knew I should tell him about Amy but the thing was, I didn’t know how to do that.
With a sigh, I reached for my phone and saw Logan’s name on my notification panel. I opened the voice message he sent. “Hi, Liv. Amy and I saw your note that you have an emergency for work. There’s nothing wrong here with us but Amy just remembered she has soccer practice. You don’t have to worry, I made her breakfast and I’ll ask her if she wants lunch or I can just give her cash.”
There was a long pause and I could hear the sound of him pouring something in a cup in the background. “I’ll take care of her. Just…come home safe, Liv.”
The idea of Logan taking care of Amy made my heart skip a beat. Both of them deserved the truth and I was the only one withholding it from them. It was selfish of me to do so but I didn’t know how to break it down to either of them. With a sigh, I sent Logan a text, telling him I needed to talk to him about the case and that I’d pick up lunch on my way home.
I was trying to buy myself a bit of time. I still needed to collect my thoughts. The last thing I wanted to happen was for personal issues to overlap with my work. It had never happened in my life before and I needed to remain professional. I found a Thai restaurant Lacey and I liked having lunch at sometimes.
“Liv!” Speak of the devil, she was waving at me enthusiastically.
I approached her in the line. It was always nice to see her outside of the firm. “Hey, Lacey!” I greeted her with a smile. “Early lunch?”
“Brunch,” Lacey said with a small pout. “Xavi’s out of town for the weekend and I didn’t want to eat in the house on my own. Oooh, are you eating out on your own too?”
I shook my head. “Nah, I’m here to order take-out.”
Lacey’s eyes brightened. “I can eat lunch with you at your house?”
In normal circumstances, I would’ve agreed to this in a heartbeat. Lacey was always welcome in my house and I loved the way she doted on Amy. But as of the moment, I couldn’t take any visitors in, given the fact Logan was staying with me. “Actually…Lace, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”
Lacey looked at me with curious eyes. “Why?”
For a moment, I considered telling Lacey the truth. She was a trustworthy person and we’ been friends for years. “Maybe we should order first and I’ll tell you why.”
I still needed some time to kill before I headed back home. And I was willing to take any excuses that would come my way if meant not going home to face Logan right away.
Lacey and I made our orders and she decided to dine in. We sat in an empty table while we waited for our orders to arrive.
“Oh yeah, you mentioned that one of your brothers’ friends came to see you. Is he staying over until the weekend?”
I had forgotten I had given that lame excuse to her. I chewed on my bottom lip. The only people who knew Logan and I had dated before, were the ones we went to school with. Most of those people were in different parts of the world and living their lives. No one knew about Logan and me other than the two of us, so I didn’t have anyone to share my problems with.
I looked at Lacey. She was on her phone- probably texting Xavier- and knew that I could trust her with some part of the truth. “The guy that came to see me at the firm was Logan. He made sure that he wouldn’t be noticed and asked if he could stay with me for a while.”
Lacey looked up from her phone, eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Are you telling me that your client is staying with you at your house?”
I sighed. I hated how it sounded like when she said it like that. “Remember when I told you that Logan and I knew each other from school? It’s a lot more than just that.”
Lacey stared at me and nodded at me to continue.
I let out a soft exhale as I began to unravel bits of truth to my most trusted friend here in San Francisco. “Logan and I dated for a year and then he broke up with me suddenly. I hadn’t seen him since then.”
My friend shifted in her seat as she tried to process everything. “How long ago was that, Liv?”
My heart raced at the question. Lacey was smart and I knew she could easily put two and two together. But then again, how long did I intend to carry the burden of the truth on my own? Even my family didn’t know that Logan was Amy’s father. I knew if I’d told them, Mom and my brothers would’ve figured out a way to contact him and hold him accountable.
No matter how much my family tried to pry the truth out of me, I never told them about it. It had been my truth to handle on my own. It never occurred to me there would come a time when I wouldn’t be able to handle the truth on my own anymore. “It’s been ten years,” I whispered, staring down at the table.
When I looked up, I could see the flash of realization in Lacey’s eyes.
“So are you telling me…?”
I nodded, unable to voice the truth out loud. “But that’s not the only thing that bothers me right now, Lace. Last night, he told me why he broke up with me. I’ve always wondered why and now, that I had the explanation I always wanted, I’m not sure how to take it.”
Our order arrived and Lacey reached out to hold my hand in hers. “Did his reason break your heart even more?”
“It did,” I said quietly, trying to hold back another round of tears. I thought I cried all of i
t out last night but maybe I was wrong. “But I understand why he did it, Lace, and for some reason, it breaks my heart more. Had I been in his position, a part of me knew I would probably have done the same thing.”
Lacey smiled at me sadly. “Not everyone is brave to fully face love head-on, Liv, and sometimes, that’s okay. We can’t blame them. We can’t be angry at them. Maybe we just weren’t meant to be with them.”
“God, how I wish that I could avoid him. I’ve done so well at that for ten years,” I replied sadly, “but Logan’s my client and I can’t run away anymore. There are more pressing issues in our situation that what happened between us ten years ago.”
when my order number was called, I went and picked up the bags.
As I was about to leave, Lacey held me by my wrist to stop me. “But just because they were scared before, doesn’t mean that they will always be. Ten years is a long time, Liv. Don’t close your heart on giving it another shot.”
I pulled my hand from her grasp and let out a soft scoff. “We’ve been over for ten years, Lace. I didn’t tell you the whole thing to have you tell me to give him another chance. He still has a womanizing reputation to get beyond, you know?”
She cocked her head to the side and smiled at me teasingly. “Don’t speak too soon, Liv.”
Her teasing made me smile and I left the restaurant feeling a little bit lighter, exactly what I needed to feel to face Logan. I tried to quiet down my thoughts as I drove home. Parking my car next to Logan’s, I took a deep breath. He already knew that I had to talk about the case with him. He must be waiting for me.
For some reason, the idea he was waiting for me made my stomach flip. I wasn’t sure if it was a good sign. Taking a deep breath, I got out of my car, carrying the bag of takeout, and proceeded to open the front door.
The house seemed unusually quiet when I stepped in and for a moment, I wondered if Logan was here. I hung my house-key and moved further into the house. The living room remained wasn’t a mess and the throw pillows weren’t lined up the way it usually was.