by Emma Vikes
I was in the right state of mind to push him away and tell him to stop like he continuously asked me to. But I didn’t. I let my own desire consume me and get the best of me as kissed him back with the same animalistic ferocity. After his confession and when his lips brushed against mine, he had rendered me vulnerable and weak.
I couldn’t help but wish that I remained vulnerable and weak but the moment I woke up, I had also woken up to the truth. He was still Logan Crewe. Still the same guy that walked away from me after he told me a thousand times that he wouldn’t break my heart. Fool me once, shame on him but if I let him in and he fools me a second time, shame on me.
It wasn’t a question of whether I wanted him or not. I knew I did want him because if I didn’t, I would’ve pushed him away last night when he kissed me. I would’ve slapped him and screamed at him to leave but I didn’t. But last night, I had a momentary lapse of rationality, rendered weak and vulnerable by his confession and the way his lips felt against mine.
If I let Logan back in my life, what guarantee did I have that he wouldn’t leave me the same way he did the first time?
I couldn’t use my own daughter for leverage and assurance. If I did, what was the point of me deciding to keep her from him all these years, if I was eventually gonna use her against him? I kept her away from him because I didn’t want him breaking her heart the way he broke mine. The only reason why I agreed to let him back in Amy’s life was because they deserved the truth.
It wasn’t a truth for me to keep and it would only pain Amy even more if I’d refused to tell her when she had already met him. It wasn’t something I could do to my own daughter. At the same time, Logan deserved the truth. He deserved to be a father to her and as much as it scared me, something with the way he’d treated her that reassured me he would stay.
But I didn’t have the same reassurance when it came to us.
He always had been notorious with the ladies. Even when he was loyal to me when we dated, then he had resumed his player tendencies after that. He had been seeing Julija which was why he was framed with the embezzlement when he broke her heart. I didn’t have any reassurance that Logan would remain loyal to me. No matter what he said, it didn’t reassure me.
Logan had broken my heart once. I couldn’t give it back to him and let him do it again.
I felt arms wrap around my waist and weight on my shoulder. My body knew it was him before he could even speak or before I could turn around. My body was familiar with his presence even with the ten-year gap that separated the two of us.
“You’re up early,” he whispered, kissing the side of my neck.
My eyes involuntarily fluttered close and I let out a soft sigh. A part of me felt contented with the whole thing. It was the kind of thing I had been subconsciously craving but had been purposely denying myself. But didn’t people say that wanting things that weren’t good for you only made you greedy?
There are things in life that we deserve and then there are things we merely want. More often than not, the things we want are the ones that have the power to break us.
“And you’re drinking too early too,” he added.
When I turned around to face him, his green eyes were focused on the wine glass in my hand.
I swirled the liquid in the glass. “I haven’t even taken a sip. I thought I needed fresh air and it didn’t help. So I poured myself a glass.”
“At five in the morning?” he asked, taking the glass from me and setting it aside. “Why?”
I hated that he asked because now it meant we had to discuss it. “Logan.”
He looked at me, green eyes boring into my hazel ones. “Yes?”
I took a deep breath, unsure of how to say everything I wanted to. I’d had time to mull over everything. While I wanted him to be a part of Amy’s life, I didn’t want it to happen in the way he wanted it to. Logan had made it clear that he wanted us to be a family but being a family meant that we would be together.
I couldn’t agree to that.
“We’ll tell Amy everything on Friday. Neither of us know what reaction we’ll get from her and I’m afraid that it might distract her from school. If we tell her on Friday, she’ll have time to process the truth.”
Logan looked thoughtful for a moment but nodded. He took another step closer to me, his hands reaching to touch me.
I took a step back.
The reaction didn’t go unnoticed. He cocked his head to the side. “Is there anything else you want to tell me?”
I pursed my lips. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to dive right into it. “The first trial will be on Friday too. It’s the original date that’s been set. When Julija asked to settle, we’ve put it on an indefinite hold but since you didn’t agree with what she wanted, we’re resuming the original plan.”
Again, he nodded his head. He was still staring at me.
I knew Logan’s wasn’t stupid. He was aware that I was purposely putting distance between us.
“Anything more?” he asked.
“Last night was a mistake, Logan.”
I heard him take in a sharp breath. “What do you mean?”
I couldn’t look at him in the eye. I refused to look at him. “I was caught up with the heat of it all. I wasn’t thinking straight. I had two glasses of wine…” A part of me knew the last bit was a pathetic excuse. It wasn’t as if I was drunk and Logan knew I was sober.
“I love you, Liv.”
It was the same words that he said last night, the same ones that made me jump out of the rational train and into the one fuelled by desire. It still had the same effect on me because the words died at my lips. Suddenly, I forgot what I wanted to tell him.
Logan knew what he needed to say to render me weak and he took a confident step closer to me.
“I can’t do this anymore.”
“What…what do you…”
“I said I can’t do this anymore, Olivia.”
The memory of what he said, of the breakup, pierced through me and was enough to wake me up from the dream I was trapped in. I looked at Logan, feeling my eyes brimming with tears. “I can’t do it, Logan.”
My words echoed his and I wondered if he remembered that they were the same words he said to me all those years ago. I wondered if they would break him the same way that they broke me.
“Liv, I’m not…I’m not gonna break your heart again. I promise you. I swear on all that I have and all that I am, I won’t hurt you.”
“I wish I could believe you,” I whispered, my tears falling down. I hastily wiped them away. “But you have no idea how much it hurt, Logan. I tried to ignore the pain. I tried to forget about it because I was carrying Amy and I had to be strong for my little girl. But sometimes…”
Sometimes, it still hurt me in a way that I wish it didn’t. Sometimes it made me wish I was emotionless so I didn’t have to go through it. It wasn’t something I wanted to go through again. Letting Logan come back in my life again, would only render me susceptible to that pain. I didn’t want to take that risk. I couldn’t.
Logan blinked rapidly, blinking back what seemed to be tears. He let out a shaky exhale and stuffed his hands in his pockets. His eyebrows were furrowed. “I’m not giving up on you, Liv. I’ve done it once and I’m not doing that again. You’re the only woman in the world that I’ve ever fallen in love with and nothing’s gonna change that.”
God, his words were exactly what women wanted to hear but not from someone that had already broken them apart. “I can’t let you hurt me again.”
Logan inhaled sharply and nodded. “But that’s not gonna stop me from loving you.”
I stared at him. Such intensity shone in his green eyes, a warmth of sincerity that I’d never seen before.
“What?”
Logan merely shrugged. “There’s no one else in this world that I want to love but you, Olivia. I’ll wait until you’re ready. I’ll wait for as long as you want me to.”
“Logan—”
He reached out
to touch my cheek gently.
I flinched at the spark between us.
“I’ll come by later to pick up Amy. I’ll be driving her to school from now on. I won’t tell her until Friday, you have my word on that.” Then he left.
For the rest of the morning, I tried my best to distract myself and forget what Logan said. I cooked Amy breakfast and prepared myself for work while she prepared for school. We were both having breakfast when Raquel arrived and about five minutes later, Logan knocked on the door.
Amy was the one who ran to open it for him. I had told her that Logan wanted to drive her to school and she was thrilled about it. She didn’t even know that he was her father but she loved spending time with him.
“You’ve talked things through?” Raquel asked.
I looked at Raquel and nodded, giving her a small smile. “Yes. He wants to be a part of her life and it’d be unfair if I don’t let him. She’s his daughter too, after all. I just have to believe him when he says that he won’t hurt her the way I fear he will.”
“And what about the two of you?”
I looked down at my coffee. “I can’t be with him again, Raquel. He might leave me like he did before and it’ll only break my heart.” When I looked at her, there was softness in her eyes.
She reached for my hands and gently squeezed them. “I understand where you’re coming from but people can change, Olivia.”
“Mom!” Amy came bustling in the room.
Raquel patted my hand before letting go and cleaning up the table. She placed a plate for Logan when he sat down across from me and he thanked her.
“Logan hasn’t had breakfast and I still have to brush my teeth and fix my bag. We still have time, right?”
Logan nodded at her. “Sure we do. I’ll just wait here for you while I eat.”
Amy rushed upstairs with a big smile on her face.
Logan began to eat breakfast.
Raquel had disappeared into the kitchen, leaving us alone in the dining table.
“She seems really happy that you’re driving her to school,” I said.
“Yea, it’s making me want to tell her.”
I inhaled sharply and stared at him.
Logan had a sheepish smile on his face and simply shrugged. It was as if I hadn’t rejected him approximately two hours ago. “But I won’t because we agreed that we’ll tell her on Friday.”
Nodding, I finished the rest of my coffee while Logan ate his breakfast.
About fifteen minutes later, Amy rushed down with her backpack in tow. Raquel handed her a brown bag that contained her lunch and Amy rushed to give me a kiss on the cheek and hug. I walked the two of them out the door and Amy stole Logan’s keys to open his car.
Logan lingered at the front door for a moment.
It made me panic a little.
“I brought something for you.”
I sucked in a breath and only now noticed that Logan had brought something with him when he came in. It was a small brown envelope and he handed it to me. I opened it and pulled out stacks of drawings. Most of them were of me, some of us, and then there ones that looked freshly drawn, of Amy, of the two of us, and then of us three together.
“I’ve barely drawn since we broke up but every time I did, I’d find myself drawing you,” Logan’s voice was quiet when he spoke.
I looked up at him.
His green eyes sparkled with sincerity. “Whenever I had the urge to draw, I’d always end up drawing you. I haven’t seen you for ten years until now, so I kind of ended up immortalizing the version of you I’d met.”
I flipped through his drawings, staring at each one of them.
“But since I’ve seen you, I’ve drawn this version of you now. You know how I used to draw a lot of things? Now, you and Amy, the three of us, that seems to be all I can ever draw nowadays.”
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. Logan had such a talent in drawing. I loved it every time he drew.
“I’m giving them to you because I want to prove to you that even during those ten years, I never stopped thinking about you. I really love you, Olivia, and I’ll wait until you’re ready to be with me again. I’m not leaving this time.” He reached out to touch my hair gently and flashed me another one of his smiles. “If I have to make you fall in love with me again, I will, Liv. I’m not giving up on you. Not again.”
22
Olivia
I rested my hands against the keyboard of my computer and leaned back on my chair, letting out a long sigh. It was the day before Logan’s first trial in court. I had everything organized in my little notebook and all that was missing was a good rest. I’d been stressed all week but it wasn’t because of the impending trial date.
All throughout the week, Logan had been coming over. He wanted to spend as much time with Amy as he could and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I didn’t want him to. I already took nine years from them, I wasn’t in any position to take more. But the more time Logan spent with Amy without her knowing the truth, the more it put me on edge.
The last thing I wanted was for him to suddenly blurt out that he was her father. I had already prepared myself for the situation to come when we told her the truth. It was just that, there were times that no matter how prepared a person thought they were, they would realize they hadn’t really been truly ready for it. I didn’t know how Amy would react and that’s what bothered me most.
And then there was the fact that the more Logan came by, the more time I had to spend with him too. Logan held nothing back and showed me that he wanted me. He was sweet and thoughtful, so there were moments I would catch myself smiling at his direction for no reason. Something about the way he spent time with Amy tugged at my heart.
Then there were moments when I would catch him looking at me and see the softness and longing in his eyes. He was patient with me and didn’t make any move that would cross any line. Logan knew where I wanted him to stand and respected that. He treated me with so much respect that it made my heart flutter.
He was so different from the Logan I first fell in love with and broke my heart and yet, he was still the same guy.
A sudden knock came on my door and I jumped in surprise. Logan popped his head in with a sheepish smile on his face. “Did I catch you at the wrong time?”
He didn’t catch me at the wrong time. It was nearly time for work to end and I wasn’t doing anything. “No. What are you doing here? Aren’t you suppose to pick up Amy?” It felt weird to ask him that question.
“I dropped her off at your house already.”
I cocked my head to the side. Normally, Logan would stay with Amy until I arrived from work and have dinner with us like he’d been doing since I agreed to let him into Amy’s life. “Then who’s she with?”
“Raquel’s still there.”
I wasn’t entirely sure where this conversation was heading. “Then why are you here? Do you have questions about the trial tomorrow? You could’ve waited for me to come home and ask.”
Logan shook his head and stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans. He looked fairly casual‒ in a white sweater and ripped jeans ‒and he didn’t even bother to style his hair. He looked like he intended to take a stroll in the park and looked nothing like an owner of multiple companies.
For a moment, it struck me suddenly. The way he dressed at the moment reminded me so much of the Logan I fell in love with.
“I came here to take you out for dinner.”
I blinked, stunned at his statement. It wasn’t even a question or a request. It was like he was making it clear that he was going to have dinner with me tonight, whether I agreed or not. “We can’t let Raquel stay that long. She has to make dinner for her kids too.”
He nodded, having already considered it. “That’s why I checked in with your friend Lacey, to see if she could stay with Amy for a while. She was cool with it and even said that she’d have her husband come around your place too. She said she would head right to your place right after
she checks out of work. She seemed really excited to spend time with Amy too.”
I wasn’t sure what amazed me more; the fact that he had considered that Raquel had a family and would need to go home right after work or that he had politely asked Lacey to stay with Amy. “Logan, we have the trial tomorrow. We need time to rest.”
“It’s only dinner, Liv, and I’ve already talked to your friend, Lacey. She’s already excited to spend time with Amy and I don’t want to burst her bubble.”
“She can have dinner with us then,” I replied with a wave of my hand, dismissing the whole thing.
Logan sighed and took a step closer to me. This would be the first time since we’d discussed everything that he had approached me this way. “It’s just dinner, Liv. I’m not gonna do anything if that’s what you’re worried about. I just want to have a nice dinner with you before tomorrow stresses us out. We have a lot on our plate tomorrow and it’s not just the trial.”
Yes, that was when we would be telling Amy the truth, right after we were finished with the first trial. I swallowed, realizing how heavy tomorrow would be for the two of us. “Which is why I think we should rest now. Tomorrow will be a long day.”
“My rest means spending time with you to clear my mind of what’s going to happen,” Logan said quietly. He reached out to touch me but stopped mid-way. Instead, he cocked his head to the side and offered me a small smile. “Just for tonight, Liv. Have dinner with me.”
My heart raced at the closeness between the two of us. He stood so close that I could take in his scent and it was so intoxicating that my knees went weak.
“Please?”
I dared to look at him and I wish hadn’t.
He had a small pout on his lips and his eyes were pleading. It was the same look Amy would use on me when she wanted something and she knew I might say no to. It was insane how the two of them were so much alike in personality when they’ve never met each other until now.
A part of me knew that saying no would be the right thing. I’d been trying to avoid Logan and not fall for his charms again, agreeing to have dinner with him would be wrong.