by Louise Hall
Copyright © 2017 Louise Hall. All rights reserved
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorised, associated with or sponsored by the trademark owners.
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
CHAPTER 1
Kian followed the unmistakable sound of his daughter’s laughter to the garden at the back of his brother-in-law, Ben’s house. He’d been away with his football team, Manchester Rovers for a couple of days playing a Champions League qualifier in Zagreb and was looking forward to spending some quality time with his wife, Cate and their 5-year-old daughter, Lola.
“You’re back early,” Ben’s wife, Erin looked up when she heard his footsteps crunching on the gravel pathway at the side of the house. She was sat on a navy blue-and-white striped deckchair watching Lola tussle on the grass with their dogs, Jimmy and Monty. She was pregnant with hers and Ben’s first child.
Kian kissed her cheek. “Where’s Cate?” He looked around the garden for his wife.
“She had an appointment in the village, she shouldn’t be too long.”
Erin struggled to get up, “can I get you anything?”
“Don’t even think about it,” Kian warned. “Ben would kill me.” After several miscarriages, Ben was incredibly protective of his wife and their unborn child.
Erin chuckled. “Just because I’m pregnant doesn’t mean that I can’t boil a kettle.”
“I’m good, honestly,” Kian reassured her.
“Daddy,” Lola giggled, running towards him. “Look what Jimmy can do.”
Ever since they’d got Lola the French bulldog puppy for her 4th birthday, she’d been patiently trying to teach him new tricks. “Back,” Lola instructed. Jimmy looked at her and Kian for a few beats before obediently rolling on to his back in the soft grass, showing off the white tuxedo running down his tummy. “Good boy,” she giggled, rewarding him with a vigorous tummy rub.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay with you?” Liv asked Cate as they stood in the driveway at the front of the clinic. It was a warm, sunny day but for privacy, the driveway was bordered by tall conifer trees, which blocked out all of the sunlight and warmth. “The doctor said that you shouldn’t be on your own right now.”
“I’ll be fine,” Cate said shakily. To hide the fact that her hands were trembling, she rubbed them up and down her goose-bump riddled arms. She was shivering in just a black shirt, Capri pants and ballet pumps.
Liv still looked worried, “at least let me wait and I’ll drive you home afterwards?”
“Honestly, I’ll be OK. I’ll text you when I get home.”
As they were stood there talking, the front door behind them swung open and two teenage girls stumbled out. One of the girls, her light blonde-hair tied back in a severe bun, was deathly pale. Her pale-blue eyes, thickly lined with kohl, were watery and bloodshot. Her friend, a redhead in skinny black jeans and a crop top, helped her down the couple of steps.
“Wait,” the blonde gasped, clasping a hand over her mouth.
“Over there,” the redhead directed, pointing out a small drain at the side of the building.
Cate and Liv turned away, giving her privacy as she vomited.
“It hurts,” the blonde whimpered. She might have been dressed like a grown-up but at that moment she sounded so young and scared.
“I know,” her friend said softly, rubbing her back. “It’s for the best though. You know that, right?”
Cate pressed a hand over her own abdomen. “I’ll be OK,” she reassured her sister. “Please, Liv.”
Erin insisted that she didn’t mind watching Lola for a few more hours so Kian drove into the village, wanting to surprise his wife.
As he drove past the row of large Victorian houses on the outskirts of the village, he spotted Cate’s car parked in front of one of them. Kian parked on the opposite side of the road. He was confused, although it didn’t have a sign out front; everybody who lived in the village knew that there was an abortion clinic in one of these houses. Why would his wife’s car be parked there?
Kian switched off the engine. After what she’d gone through giving birth to Lola, Cate was adamant that she didn’t want any more children. It scared her too much that she could lose what she already had.
Maybe she’d had to park there because there weren’t any spaces left in the village? But he’d just driven past the local supermarket and the car park there was half-empty.
Why else would her car be parked outside an abortion clinic? Kian felt bile rise up the back of his throat.
He thought about the leaflets she’d had crumpled up in her hand when he’d found her outside the Family Planning Clinic all those years ago, being accosted by that religious psycho. One of them had been for this clinic. After Cate had told him that she was keeping the baby, they hadn’t talked about any of the other options. Kian thought about his little girl back home giggling and playing with the two dogs. Had Cate thought about getting rid of her?
“No,” Kian shook his head. He’d known Cate since she was a few hours old; she wouldn’t do something like that without talking to him first. If she was having an a-word, fuck he couldn’t even think the word, it could only be because there was something wrong with the b… He shook his head again. If she’d gone through with the a-word, whatever the reason, he couldn’t think of it as a baby, it was a foetus, just a cluster of cells.
He looked up, watching his wife walk out of the clinic, removing that last barrier of denial. She looked so fragile. He slunk down in his seat. As much as he wanted to comfort her, he couldn’t, not yet. He waited until she’d driven away before starting the engine again. Whatever the reason, his wife had just had a fucking abortion and she hadn’t told him about it. Rationally, he knew there had to be a good reason for why she’d done it but he couldn’t help the surge of anger through his veins. That was his child she’d disposed of, he had a fucking right to know.
When did she find out that she was pregnant? Did she know what she was going to do today when they were chatting on the phone last night about Lola’s new football coach? Had she already decided that she was going to have an abortion when they’d made love three nights ago? When she’d looked up at him with those big, black eyes – he’d never thought his wife capable of such… such fucking betrayal.
As Cate drove away from the village, her head wa
s filled with so many questions. To drown them out, she switched on the radio and of course, it was playing “Lola” by the Kinks. She thought about her daughter and tears streamed hotly down her cheeks. The car behind her honked loudly and she realised she’d been stopped on a green light. It wasn’t safe for her to be driving when she felt as wretched as this. She pulled into a quiet side road and rested her head on the steering wheel. How could this have even happened?
After what she’d been through giving birth to Lola, she’d taken her pill religiously, never missing a single one.
When she’d asked that very question as she came around, lying on the table, Dr Holborn had just shrugged her shoulders. She’d reminded Cate that there was no single method of contraception that was 100% effective.
She fumbled in her handbag for her phone and called Kian but got his voicemail instead. He must still have been travelling back from Zagreb. The only other person she could talk to about this was Liv. “Tell me I’m doing the right thing,” Cate pleaded when her sister answered the phone.
“You’re doing the right thing,” Liv said calmly. “I knew I should have stayed with you. Where are you right now?”
Cate gave her directions and ten minutes later, Liv knocked on the car window. “Oh sweetheart,” Liv crooned when she saw her sister’s tear-streaked face. “It’s going to be OK.”
“You don’t know that,” Cate cried afresh. “I could lose them.”
“Hey,” Liv pulled her sister into her arms, “that is not going to happen, OK? Nobody is losing anybody.”
Kian was still in a daze when he got home and found Cate’s car parked in front of the garage. He didn’t know how he could look at her, knowing what she’d just done. It wasn’t just the a-word; it was that she’d done it behind his back. How could she have been so unbelievably cruel? If that’s what she’d really wanted, he would have supported her. It would have fucking killed him but he’d have done it. He should have been there with her at the clinic, watching as they did whatever they did to remove a part of him and Cate from her womb. Fuck, Kian rested his head on the steering wheel. He’d always supported a woman’s right to choose, always but when it was Cate’s body and she was choosing to get rid of a part of them, their baby, the lines suddenly became a whole lot more blurry.
CHAPTER 2
Liv patted her sister’s hand, “you look like shit, no offence. You’ve had a really tough day. Why don’t I take Lo back with me?”
Cate sank down on to the bar stool at the kitchen counter, “are you sure? I’m just so tired.”
“Lo?” Liv called, “Mummy’s not feeling so good. How would you like to come back to Granny Reen’s with me and we’ll have a sleepover?”
“Yay,” Lola clapped her hands together. “Can Jimmy come too?”
“Of course he can.”
When Kian walked through the front door later that evening, the house was too quiet. He went into the kitchen; Jimmy’s bed wasn’t in its usual corner. He took the back stairs up to the 1st floor and checked Lola’s bedroom, it was dark and her cuddly toy Max wasn’t there.
When he walked into the master bedroom, Cate was just climbing into bed. “Oh,” she startled, “you’re back early.” She hadn’t heard him come home.
“I saw you,” Kian stared at his wife, his black eyes piercing hers. “…at the clinic.”
Cate stumbled backwards, banging her hip on the doorframe. “Oh.”
Frighteningly angry, Kian took a step forward. Cate seemed to shrink before his eyes. He needed more than just “oh.” “Is that all you’re going to say? You had a fucking abortion and didn’t tell me.”
He couldn’t miss the hurt in Cate’s eyes. Fresh tears trickled down her cheeks. “Leave me alone.”
Before he could take another step towards her, Cate scuttled into the bathroom and quickly locked the door. She slid to her butt on the other side, pulling her knees up to her chest. She could hardly breathe. She knew she should tell Kian the truth. It just hurt so much that he thought she was capable of doing something so cruel to him, to their family.
“Angel, please…” Kian’s voice rumbled through the closed door. “Make me understand.”
The anger had dissipated; Cate could hear the hurt in his voice. With three words, she could take it away from him but she didn’t think there were enough words in the Oxford English Dictionary to take away her pain. Her husband, her best friend, the person who knew her better than anyone else, thought that she’d gone behind his back to have an abortion?
Kian sat down in front of the bathroom door. He leaned back against the wall, pressing the palm of his hand against the cool wood, fumbling for that precious connection with his wife.
“Cate?”
“What’s the point?” her voice cracked. “You’ve already made up your mind.”
“I’m still here, aren’t I?” Kian replied, inching closer to the door. “Talk to me.”
Cate shook her head. She didn’t know how to feel about the fact that despite what he thought she’d done, he was still there, waiting for her. “Go away.”
“No,” Kian said firmly. He wouldn’t leave Cate, not without finding out why she’d done it.
Cate knew she had no choice but to tell him the truth. She got up and walked over to the sink. In her make-up bag, she found a sheet of blotting paper and an eyeliner pencil. She quickly scribbled down the three words.
She sat back down by the door, gripping the sheet of blotting paper in her hand. The words looked so much worse in black and white. She felt the start of another panic attack; at least she could recognise them now.
She lay down on the floor, pressing her flushed cheek against the cold tiles. She couldn’t hear anything but the thunderous roar of her own heartbeat. She tried to focus on her breathing, in one two, out one two. She couldn’t, wouldn’t think about what had happened the last time she’d given birth.
“You’re OK,” she repeated like a mantra, her bottom lip trembling.
It was an accident – she’d never expected to have to go through this again. She’d liked things just the way they were.
Kian heard her voice through the door, “you’re OK.” Her voice sounded like an ice cube on a hot summer’s day, he could hear it cracking and weakening. He slammed his fist against the door. Whatever she’d done, they could work through it. He just needed to see her, hold her.
What if there had been a complication? Fuck, he had this image of her lying just beyond the door, bleeding out.
He jumped to his feet, “open the fucking door, Cate.” When she didn’t answer, he pounded his fists on the wood.
Cate felt the panic attack start to recede; the tight grip on her chest began to loosen. It should have been a blessed relief but if anything, she felt worse. The beasts were so unpredictable.
“Get back from behind the door,” Kian shouted.
Frightened, Cate slid back across the tiled floor until her back hit the steps at the side of the bath. What was he going to do?
Kian launched himself at the bathroom door, funnelling his rage until the frame splintered and the door swung loosely back against the wall. Cate was curled up against the side of the bath, her inky-black hair obscuring her face. He wrapped his arms around her slender frame and kissed the top of her head; anchoring himself with that familiar scent of blackberries. Whatever she’d done, she was still his wife, his first half.
“Angel,” Kian murmured, “I love you. Nothing’s going to change that.” She was trembling so badly.
In her hands she was clutching a crumpled up sheet of paper. Kian carefully prised it out from between her fingers. “I’m pregnant.”
Kian blinked several times – was this some kind of cruel joke? He’d seen her come out of an abortion clinic just a few hours ago.
He slid a hand up the front of her silk pyjama top, pressing his palm against the warmth of her abdomen. Was his baby really still growing inside of her?
The gentle touch was her undoing. “Don’t you dare
touch me,” Cate wriggled out of his grasp. “I want you to go.”
“No fucking way,” Kian grunted. He wrapped his arms around Cate, holding her against him.
He guided her into the bedroom and back towards the bed. “Is it true?”
Cate nodded, “yes.”
“Did you change your mind?” Kian asked.
Cate struggled against him, “you still think I was going to do that?”
“Fuck Cate, I don’t know what to think. I saw you coming out of that clinic?”
“Did you though?” Cate spat angrily. “Or did you just see me come out of the same building?”
Kian lifted Cate up and laid her down on her back on the mattress, pinning her hands above her head. He was so much bigger and stronger than her. “Get off me.”
“Not until you tell me the truth,” Kian closed his eyes. “Were you going to get rid of our baby?”
“No,” Cate cried. She bucked against his wrists and hips. “Of course, I wasn’t.”
“What were you doing there then?”
Cate freed her leg and kneed him in the bollocks. “What the fuck?” Kian howled, letting go of her hands so he could clutch his manhood. She quickly slid out from underneath him. “You got what you wanted. You know the truth now I want you to leave.”
Kian shook his head, “I’m not going anywhere.”
“Fine,” Cate snapped, “then I’ll leave.”
As she reached for the door handle, Kian pressed the palm of his hand against the door keeping it firmly closed. “No.”
Cate clenched her fists. The pain sliced through her. “You accused me of killing our baby, Kian.”
“I know.” Kian said softly. “I’m so sorry.”
Cate shook her head, “it’s not enough. I’m going to sleep in the guest bedroom tonight.”
Kian shook his head, “you stay here. I’ll go.”
Later that night, Cate lay on her back in the cold, empty bed, staring up at the blank ceiling. The house was too quiet; it gave her too much time to think. She wished that she hadn’t let Liv take Lola to her mum’s house tonight. She wanted to sit in her daughter’s bedroom and watch her sleep for a while. She needed to remind herself that she could do this, that she could have another child.