by Louise Hall
She got changed into her pyjamas and climbed into bed but it felt so cold and empty without Kian there.
“Darn it,” Cate stared up at the ceiling. “Why do you even care?”
The prickly heat raced up her spine, her heartbeat sounded thunderous in the quiet, dark room as another panic attack took hold. She tried to breathe through it but her chest felt so tight and heavy.
CHAPTER 10
With so many thoughts zinging around inside her head, Cate eventually gave up on trying to go to sleep and instead went downstairs to make herself some warm milk and honey. Cate and Kian’s sister, Sinead shared the same birthday and so they’d been best friends from birth right up until Cate married Kian and they had a huge falling out. When she was younger and slept over at Sinead’s house, her mum, Jean always used to make them a mug of warm milk and honey right before they went to bed and so Cate had always been comforted by the sweet taste.
She was sat cross-legged on the daybed on the back porch, looking out at the uninterrupted blackness and taking tiny sips of the warm milk when there was a knock on the window, making her jump. It was Ben.
“You scared the bejesus out of me,” she gasped, unlocking the back door to let him in. “What on earth were you doing lurking around out there?”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Ben said. “I was just coming back from walking Monty and I saw the light was on back here. I thought I’d come and check that everything was OK. Kian said he tried calling you an hour ago but there was no answer.”
“Darn, I put my phone on charge when I got in from work this evening and I must have forgotten to switch it back on again.”
“How’s Liv doing?” Ben asked, sitting on the window ledge.
“She’s OK, I think,” Cate shrugged.
“Has she found a job yet?”
As soon as she’d been discharged from hospital, Simone had filed a restraining order against Liv, which had made it impossible for her to go back to work at the same insurance company where they both worked. Her boss had called and said that it was in everyone’s best interests if Liv quietly resigned; they gave her three months’ pay in lieu of notice.
“No, she’s going to look after Lola while I’m working at the clinic.” Cate had started working in Dr Green’s office a couple of weeks ago.
Ben raised his eyebrows, “you really trust her to watch your child?”
“Of course, why wouldn’t I? She loves Lo.”
“She got drunk and almost burned down a church, Cate. She could have really hurt somebody.”
“She didn’t. The bride…”
“Yeah, she was lucky this time but it could so easily have been different. I know you think that you’re helping her by letting her stay with you and look after Lola but all you’re really doing is letting her hide from her problems. Do you even know if she’s still drinking?”
“Do you really think that I’d let her watch Lola if I thought for even a second that she was still drinking?”
“I think that you’ve got a blind spot when it comes to Liv.”
“I think you’re too hard on her, she’s taking some time to figure things out.”
“That’s bullshit; she doesn’t need to “figure things out”. She needs to start acting like a grown-up and find another job.”
“Wow, thanks for the show of support, Ben.” Liv stood in the doorway with her arms folded across her chest.
“I’m not going to apologise for anything I just said.”
“It’s really late,” Cate intervened, “Ben, I think you should go home before you say something that you’ll later regret.”
Ben ignored her and looked at Liv, “you’re moping about like you’re the victim in all of this and you’re not. You’re the one that got drunk and almost burned down a church because your ex-boyfriend was getting married.”
“I’m sorry that we can’t all be perfect like you, Ben.”
“I’m not perfect,” Ben said, “far from it actually but I get up every morning, I go to work and I do my best to be a decent human being. I don’t down half a bottle of vodka and ride a freaking motorbike down the centre aisle of a church.”
“You know what’s funny,” Liv laughed, “is that you actually sound surprised that I did something like that when we all know that I’m the big screw-up in this family.”
“Don’t say that,” Cate tried to interrupt. “You’re not…”
“You might not think like that, Cate but Mum, Remy and Ben do. Even before I got drunk and almost burned down that freaking church, they’d already written me off as a huge disappointment. I’m not smart like you and Ben; I didn’t get the grades to go to university so I ended up stuck in that dead-end job. Ryan might have been a total douchebag but I couldn’t even keep hold of him.”
“It’s not like that,” Ben sighed, “we just want…”
“You said before that you thought Dad might have left because he found out that Mum was pregnant with you, Cate. That’s such a fucking joke because any dad would be proud to have a daughter like you. I’m a total screw-up and yet you still love me, let me stay in your guest room and look after your little girl. Dad didn’t leave us because of you, sis. He left because of me.”
“That’s bullshit,” Ben said.
Liv rolled her eyes, “think about it, Ben. He stayed with Mum for a long time after you and Remy were born and he didn’t even know Cate so he couldn’t have left because of her. Who does that leave, huh? You all think that I’m this monumental screw-up and maybe Dad could see what I was going to be like even then and that’s why he left. Maybe it’s all my fault.”
“No,” Cate gasped. “That’s not true. You must know that’s not true, Liv.”
Liv smiled, “Ben’s not denying it though, is he? Come on, why would anybody want a daughter who’s too thick to get into university, lets her boyfriend cheat on her more times than she can count and then gets so drunk that she almost burns down a church?”
Before they could dispute what she’d just said, Liv turned and ran up the stairs.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Cate whacked her brother in the chest.
“I was shocked,” Ben shook his head. “I didn’t know that she felt like that. I’ve never thought for even a second that she’s the reason the Sperm Donor left us. As far as I’m concerned, he left because he’s a selfish bastard. Yes, I’m pissed off that Liv’s been hiding out here and acting like a victim. I wish she’d get up off her backside and get a job but I don’t think that she’s a disappointment.”
After Ben left, Cate went upstairs and knocked on Liv’s bedroom door but she was either already asleep or pretending to be.
Cate texted Kian, “I’m sorry I didn’t return your call earlier. Everything’s fine. I’ve just had a really strange conversation with Liv and Ben though. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you x.”
She was about to switch her phone off when she noticed the three little dots at the bottom of the screen, indicating that Kian was typing a reply.
“What happened?”
It wasn’t something that she could easily explain in a text so she dialled his number instead.
“Hey, angel.”
“I thought you’d already be asleep?”
“Traffic was bad so we were late getting to the hotel.”
Cate relayed the conversation she’d had with Ben and Liv. “It breaks my heart that she would even think like that, Kian. She’s such an amazing person and she can’t see it. She’s an artist; that cake she made for Lola’s 4th birthday was incredible and she’s got the biggest heart out of anyone I’ve ever met.”
“If I ever get my hands on him, I’m going to fucking throttle him for the number he’s done on all of you,” Kian grunted.
CHAPTER 11
“How’s work?” Kian asked Cate as he switched into the fast lane of the motorway. He was on his way home from training.
“Busy.” She dropped her voice to a whisper, “the files are in such a me
ss.”
Kian laughed, he could just imagine his wife’s happy/not happy face. She absolutely loved organising paperwork. Seriously, her study notes for her A Levels had been works of art, encased in identical black ring-binders and decorated with neon-pink page markers.
When they first married and she saw Kian’s haphazard filing system for the first time – his accountant dealt with the major stuff – she’d got so excited. Now, it was so organised that if you asked her how much their electricity bill was in May two years ago, she’d be able to tell you the exact amount to the penny.
“You’re so happy right now, aren’t you?”
“No, of course not,” Cate pretended to be offended. “Okay,” she conceded, “maybe just a little.”
His exit was coming up soon so he moved into the middle lane. “Let me guess… you’re calling to let me know that you’ll be home a little late tonight because you need to stop by the office supply store?”
“Maybe?” Cate laughed.
“Such a geek,” Kian teased.
Suddenly, there was a loud beep on the line. “Sorry,” Cate said quickly, “it’s probably Mum again. She keeps bugging me about Liv.” Even though it had been weeks since the fire at St Ignatius, Liv was still staying with Cate and Kian. She refused point-blank to speak to their mum.
“The gaffer wanted to talk to me after training today,” Kian said.
Cate took a sharp intake of breath. He’d been lucky so far to spend his entire career at Rovers, which meant that they could be close to his and Cate’s families but they both knew that things could change so quickly in football. “It’s nothing bad.”
“OK?” Cate didn’t sound convinced.
“It’s about Di Vela,” Kian explained. Since joining Rovers from Lazio in the summer, Matteo Di Vela had been training with the Under 21s. Kian had watched a few of their matches and he had all the makings of something special; he was lightning quick and he could cross the ball with pinpoint accuracy but he still had some rough edges, he was a bit prone to dramatics if he got tackled too hard or decisions didn’t go his way. “The gaffer wants me to watch out for him.”
“Why don’t you invite him over for dinner?” Cate suggested. “We could keep it casual and have a barbecue or something, maybe ask Yoakey and Sara as well?”
They chatted for a while until Cate had to go; Dr Green’s next patient had arrived.
As Kian passed the Black Horse pub, he waved at the landlady, Thelma who was out front watering the hanging baskets.
As he pulled into the courtyard at the side of his house, he saw a blur of red through the front windscreen and quickly slammed on the brakes. “What the fuck?” Kian yanked open the door and ran to the front of his car, convinced that he’d hit something.
“Hi Daddy,” Lola giggled, she was playing with their dog, Jimmy. They were about a foot from the front bumper of his car. Kian felt his heart stop beating.
“What are you doing out here, Lola?” Kian asked. He tried to keep his voice calm so he wouldn’t scare her. “Where’s Auntie Liv?”
He reached for his daughter’s hand, grabbed Jimmy’s collar and led them back inside the house. Liv was stood in front of the mirror by the front door, plaiting her light-brown hair.
“How was your day?” she asked brightly, taking the hair band out of her mouth.
“It was fine,” Kian gritted his teeth, “until I found Lo and Jimmy outside in the courtyard.”
He turned to his daughter, “I need to talk to Auntie Liv for a second, why don’t you take Jimmy through to the back porch?”
When they’d gone, Kian turned back to Liv. “I nearly hit them with my car, Liv. What the fuck’s going on? Were you even watching them?”
“Yes,” Liv looked horrified. “Of course I was. I love Lo, you know that. I thought they were playing in the back garden.”
Kian noticed the suitcase she’d propped up against the wall, “going somewhere?”
Liv frowned, “you didn’t see anything.”
“Like hell I didn’t,” Kian said. “What’s the matter with you? You can’t just run away.”
“You and I both know that I can’t stay here, Kian,” Liv sat down on the bottom step. “I feel like I’m drowning.”
“Cate needs you.”
“No, she’s doesn’t,” Liv shook her head. “She’s been doing so much better recently and she’s got you and Lo.”
Kian sat down next to his sister-in-law. He knew he couldn’t change her mind; she was a Klein just like his wife. When things got too difficult for them, they needed to run. “Will you at least wait until Cate gets home?”
Liv chewed on her lip, “I can’t, my train leaves in an hour.”
Kian was tempted to lock all the doors, keeping Liv hostage inside the house until his wife came home. How could he tell Cate that he’d let her sister leave without saying goodbye?
Liv stood up and smoothed down the front of her navy-blue skinny jeans. “I’m trying to do the right thing.”
“Wait”.
“Here,” Kian gave her all the cash he had in his wallet. “There’s one condition though. Wherever you’re going, you’ve got to call Cate at least once a week. She’ll worry about you.”
“This is too much,” Liv tried to give him back the money, “I don’t want your money.”
Kian insisted, “you’re taking it.”
Liv reached for the front door. “You’re not even going to say goodbye to Lo?”
“I can’t,” Liv shook her head. “If I try and say goodbye to either of them, I won’t go.”
Kian gave his sister-in-law a hug, “be safe, OK?”
“I’m home,” Cate called as she walked into the kitchen later that night. Jimmy was curled up in his bed, happily chewing on one of his rubber toys. “Where are they?” she asked softly, bending down to stroke the top of his head. The house felt strangely quiet. She put the shopping bags down on the kitchen counter and walked up the back stairs.
Kian was sat on the end of Lola’s bed, reading her a story. “Mummy,” Lola cried, reaching her arms out for a cuddle.
“Hey, sweet girl,” Cate knelt down at the side of her bed. Her daughter looked as if she’d been crying. She clung to her extra-tightly.
“What happened?” she mouthed to Kian over the top of her daughter’s head.
“Auntie Liv’s gone,” Lola hiccupped. “Daddy doesn’t know when she’s coming back.”
“What?” Cate demanded of Kian.
“It’s OK, Lo,” Kian helped Cate tuck Lola back into bed. “Everything’s going to be OK. Auntie Liv has just gone a little holiday, that’s all. Do you remember how much fun we had when you, me and Mummy went on holiday to Los Angeles?”
“When we saw Belle?” Lola’s favourite film was Beauty and the Beast.
“Yeah,” Kian smiled. “Do you remember the big Ferris Wheel on the pier?”
“I liked that,” Lola looked less sad.
“Do you remember the diner we went to which had a little jukebox on every table and you could choose what songs they played?” Cate reminisced.
“That was fun,” Lola conceded. “I want Auntie Liv to have fun but I’m going to miss her, Mummy.”
They both waited until Lola was almost asleep before getting up and leaving her bedroom.
As they ate dinner in the kitchen, Cate asked, “what really happened?”
When Kian had finished explaining, she pushed her plate to one side; her appetite had gone. “You just let her go?”
Kian frowned, “there was nothing I could do, Cate. She’s incredibly stubborn, just like her sister.”
“It’s not funny,” Cate protested. She tried calling Liv. “Ugh, she’s not answering her phone. I hate this; I hate not knowing where she is.”
“She’ll be OK,” Kian tried to reassure her.
“How can you even say that? A couple of months ago, she almost burned down a church?”
“Maybe that’s why she left?” Kian sighed. “She’s more th
an just the drunk girl who almost burned down a church.”
“I know that,” Cate snapped. “She’s my sister.”
She tried calling Liv but it went straight to voicemail again. She was about to try again when Kian took the phone out of her hands, “what are you doing? Give it back.”
Kian put her phone on top of the fridge, took firm hold of Cate’s wrists and led her through to the back porch. He sat down on the daybed and positioned Cate on his lap, with her hands restrained behind her back.
“Why did you apply to university under your maiden name, angel?” Kian asked.
Cate struggled against him, “let me go.”
Kian tightened his grip. “You said it was because you didn’t want to be defined by just one thing: our marriage.”
“You can’t compare our marriage with what Liv did?” Her black eyes flashed with anger.
“I’m not. I’m just saying…”
“She’s my sister and I don’t know where she is. I don’t know where she is, Kian?” Cate felt hot, treacherous tears trickle down her cheeks. The uninterrupted blackness at the back of the house wasn’t comforting tonight. Her sister was out there somewhere all alone. Kian loosened his grip on her wrists and used his thumb to wipe away some of her tears. “I’ve got every freaking right to be worried about her. She hasn’t got any money...”
“I gave her what I had in my wallet,” Kian said softly. “There was probably about £1,000.”
Cate’s eyes flashed to his, “you encouraged her to go?”