by Rachel Lee
“You’ve done everything humanly possible,” he told her. “I admire that.”
“What if I’ve failed?”
“It won’t be for lack of trying. You can be proud of that. No one on this planet can promise you the outcome you want, so whatever happens, it’s hardly failure.”
“Maybe not.” But her heart ached and she squeezed her eyes closed.
He tightened his arms around her. “Right now you have to let go. I swear, as soon as this storm passes, we’ll figure out what’s the best thing to do, and we’ll do it. You’re not alone in this, Rory. I promise. I’ll help every way I can, every step of the way.”
God, how long had it been since someone had said she wasn’t alone with something? Maybe it was her own fault—her need to control—but she never relied on other people to do more than the bare minimum. That was a far cry from someone telling you that he’d be with you, that you weren’t alone.
All of a sudden she felt frightened again, but for a very different reason. She realized that she had armored herself against needing anyone or anything, seeing it as a weakness. Mostly she had feared that others, who already wanted to put her down because she was a woman, would see it as weakness and try to take advantage of her.
Right now she felt that protective shell trying to crack open, and she was terrified that if it did she might never be able to put it back together.
“Rory? You’re shaking.”
But not from cold. Sheer terror gripped her, terror that she had been holding at bay for weeks now. She was out of her element, she was helpless and she was dependent on others. Something had at last risen up in her life to show her that, in the end, nobody could do it all alone.
No matter how tough she was, no matter how much in charge she was, no matter how she tried to wrest what she wanted or needed from the world around her, she couldn’t always rely on her own determination, stubbornness, intelligence and strength. Sometimes she needed help.
She had always been a fighter. She had always gotten what she wanted, including getting Cait into this clinical trial, even though she didn’t strictly fit the criteria. She fought, and she usually won, because she wouldn’t quit, and because she could always find a way.
Not this time. Not in a crashed plane on a mountainside. There was nothing she could do to change this situation.
These past few weeks she had been trying to avoid facing this. She had tried to force a system to give Cait back her health, even though they all kept telling her they couldn’t do anything. She had battled to get Cait into this clinical trial against all odds, and had succeeded. Then their plane crashed. Then they were lost on the side of a mountain with no assurance that they could get Cait out of here no matter what anyone did.
But of one thing she was certain: none of the traits she prided herself on would allow her to solve this alone.
Just as once she entered Cait in the trial it would be out of her hands.
She had refused to think about that. Refused to acknowledge that sooner or later she would become helpless to do more. She didn’t allow herself such thoughts, ever.
But she couldn’t escape them any longer.
“Rory?” His voice, pitched low, was gentle.
“I’m so scared,” she admitted brokenly. “I can’t fix anything. I can’t do anything. I’m helpless.”
He took a few moments before responding. “We’re all pretty helpless right now. That’s going to change during the night. Then we’re all going to pull together, and you’ll be able to do plenty. I’m counting on it.”
She sighed, trying to release tension, and failing. “That’s not exactly it.”
“Then tell me.”
“I’m used to being in control. One way or another, I deal with problems, and I solve them. And right now I can’t do that, and when you said you’d help me, I realized how little help I’ve accepted or even wanted over the years, and it just…just…” She couldn’t go on.
“I see.” Again he pondered for a minute or two. “One of the things you learn in the military is that you’re part of a team. Even a fighter jock doesn’t get off the runway without a lot of support from the ground crew and the tower. Everyone plays a key role. Then when you get in the air, your life can depend on your wingman if there’s trouble. I guess I’m used to relying on others.”
She sighed again, trying to absorb what he was saying.
“You don’t have to be alone. And right now we’re all pretty helpless. We have to lean on each other. There’s no other way to get through this, Rory. And that’s not a sign of weakness.”
She almost gasped. “How did you know I was thinking about that?”
“Maybe I read minds. I don’t know. Maybe because I’ve known control freaks before. They only feel safe when they do everything themselves, and depend only on themselves.”
“I am a control freak,” she admitted. “I thought of it as being strong, but it’s not that. I don’t dare depend on others.”
“And now you have to. We’re all leaning on each right now. There’s no weakness in that. In fact, it’s how we become stronger, by working together.”
“I’ve been part of teams,” she argued.
“But I’ll bet you were the boss.”
“Usually,” she admitted.
“This time there’s no boss, except maybe Yuma. He knows these mountains and how to survive in these conditions better than anyone. But we’ll still be pulling together once this storm passes and we figure out what we need to do.”
She bit her lip, gnawing on it just as she was gnawing on the upheaval inside her. She’d always been afraid of leaning on others, because what if they failed? Yet here she was, unable to do anything else. Maybe, a little voice in her head said, she just needed to get over herself. Things were complicated enough without twisting herself into knots over needing help. And wasn’t she proposing to lean on doctors in Minnesota? Sheesh, she wasn’t making sense at all.
“I suppose,” she said tremulously, “that I could call this a life lesson.”
“Maybe. They always seem to hurt.”
“Yeah.”
He drew her a little closer, hugging her tighter. “One of the things I had to face was that I wasn’t indestructible. I mean, you’ve gotta have a tremendous sense of invincibility to be a fighter jock. Then one day they tell you there’s some little squiggle on your EKG, it’s meaningless but hey, buddy, you can’t fly those planes anymore.”
“Ouch.” She could easily imagine that, actually.
“Yeah, ouch is right. All of a sudden you’re not invincible. The years are creeping up on you and you’ve just lost the thing you thought you were living for. It doesn’t help when they tell you it happens to nearly everyone by your age, and that they’re just being hyper-cautious. Doesn’t help one bit.”
“No, it wouldn’t. I’m sorry, Chase.”
“Thanks. But I’ve made the adjustment and I’m mostly content. Now you’re making an adjustment. There are some things—important things—that you can’t control. So we’re going to be operating as a team.”
His logic reached her brain, but her heart was struggling to accept it. She hated the weakness and helplessness she felt now, and yet he was telling her she was no more weak or helpless than any of them. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was time to grow up and face the fact that not everything in life would bend to her will or her expertise.
“I’ve been deluding myself,” she said after a bit.
“How?”
“Thinking I needed no one. That I was a solitary pillar capable of shouldering any burden. Apparently I’m not.”
“That’s not a bad thing, because none of us are that strong.”
“No.” She drew a long breath. “I started thinking about this when I realized just how much it meant to me when you offered to stand by me. I can’t remember the last time someone offered me that, and that’s when I realized it’s because I don’t allow it.”
“Maybe it’s time to offer a li
ttle trust, and let someone help.”
“I have no choice now.”
She wished the words unspoken as soon as they left her mouth. She felt him stiffen and draw back a little. Amazing how much that small withdrawal pained her.
“That came out wrong,” she said quickly. “I didn’t mean it the way it sounded.”
“Then how did you mean it?”
“That I think I have no choice but to learn a lesson I probably should have learned a long time ago.”
She felt him relax and was more relieved than she cared to admit. She didn’t want this man to pull away from her, not even a trifle. Nor did she want to think about why she felt that way. Just let it be. For now. If she could do that as necessary on her job, why not in personal matters? She put that question away for another time, too. She sensed, however, that somewhere in there was a key to her nature that needed some attention.
Odd that she felt so close to him, though. Not just physically, but emotionally. She never would have expected that when she boarded this plane, or even directly after the crash. Something about him, however, seemed engagingly open and inviting. She got the sense that he was long past playing games with himself or anyone else.
How did you get there, she wondered, because it had never been clearer to her that she had been playing her own game, pretending to need no one and nothing.
Hell, maybe she’d even been using memories of her sister, awareness that she still had a sister, all these years to keep herself from feeling totally adrift, even though she hadn’t visited often enough.
No, she wasn’t going to beat herself up about that now. Enough, already. She couldn’t change the past—she could only resolve to do better from now on. She had a feeling, though, that earthquakes were going to be rattling through her psyche for a long time after this.
Sleep eluded her, though, as her mind tried to race in useless circles, worrying over the things she’d learned about herself, worrying about things beyond her control. Damn, she wished her brain had an off switch.
Apparently it did. As if he sensed her continued tension, Chase began rubbing her back gently. Instinctively, she moved closer, every other thought forgotten as she became instantly aroused.
How could he do that to her?
But she didn’t care. At first she welcomed it as a relief from the places she’d been wandering, but it wasn’t long before it went past welcome to hunger and need.
Nor was it just a means of escape, she realized just before his mouth settled over hers. In her deepest being, she was certain that she would have wanted him under any circumstances. Any circumstances at all.
And these weren’t the best. A slim door to give them privacy, a room that was too chilly, danger lurking…and dammit, she wanted him.
She raised her arm to hug him back, and heard a quiet murmur of approval from him. She didn’t know what they were doing, if they were making a mistake, and she absolutely didn’t care.
She wanted Chase, he wanted her, and that seemed like the answer to nearly every question in the universe right then.
He hadn’t kissed her before, but he kissed her now as if her mouth were all he wanted. He teased her tongue with his, traced her lips with it, then dove in for a deeper kiss. She was oh so ready for it, the rhythmic movement of tongue against tongue, tasting faintly of coffee. It seemed so right that in these endless, dangerous, helpless hours that they should seek to express something beautiful, something life-affirming.
When she could welcome him no more deeply with her mouth, he rolled them a bit, so that he rose over her on one elbow.
“Stop me now,” he murmured against her lip. “Now or never.”
“Don’t stop,” she whispered. “Oh, please, don’t stop.”
Given permission, he didn’t hesitate. His hand slipped up under her sweater, cold against her midriff. She shivered with delight as much as with the cold touch, but he was patient. He let his hand warm against her while he trailed kissed across her cheeks, her throat, her ear and then captured her mouth again.
Their tongues dueled as if they had been born for this moment. Never had a kiss felt so right. Then his hand stole upward.
He found the front clasp of her bra and set her free.
Cupping her breast, Chase felt the lightning bolt of heat shoot through him to his groin. She felt surprisingly full in his hand, and her nipple was as hard as a pebble. Feeling it against his palm nearly dragged a groan from him.
He squeezed gently, until she writhed against him, then he brushed her nipple with his thumb. A shiver passed through her and into him. Between his legs he felt hot and heavy, ready. More than ready.
But he didn’t want to rush this. He had to battle an urge to just take her now, claim her now, make her his now, because he felt an equally strong urge to carry her every step of the way with him.
There was only one road to heaven at the moment, and this was it. He was going to make sure she came with him.
Besides, he was feeling unusually protective of her. He hadn’t felt this way about a lover before. His partners in bed had always been experienced, always knowing what they were doing, and never wounded or hurt.
But he felt a deep hurt in Rory, one that went beyond her sister’s illness. That hurt made her vulnerable, and he was determined that she not walk away from this time feeling used. No, he wanted her to feel worshipped. Adored. Cherished.
With the blood throbbing in his head and his body, he couldn’t analyze those feelings now. They just were. When a soft moan escaped her and her body arched against his, he knew there would be no stopping. She was ready right now, but he wasn’t going to allow this to be rough and graceless like last night. There might not be any roses or champagne, but they weren’t what mattered anyway. What mattered was how he treated her now.
He took his time. He tormented her by holding back. And he almost chuckled when she pressed her breast harder into his hand, signaling her need unmistakably.
It was chilly in the cabin, but he suspected neither of them much cared right now. He pushed her sweater up, baring her breasts, wishing only that he could see their delights as well as feel them. A shudder ripped through her, and then again as he found her nipple with his mouth.
“Ahh…” It was little more than a sigh, but it told him enough. He sucked gently at first, teasing her nipple with his tongue, liking the contrast of its hardness compared to the softness of her breast. Liking the way it felt both soft and rough against his tongue.
She writhed, pressing harder against him from head to toe, and the ache within him grew to massive proportions.
It had been a long time since he’d come this close to losing control, but something about this woman put him on the very brink.
He paused just a moment, fighting down his own needs, determined to give her everything she could possibly want in these circumstances. Then he found her breast again, sucking even harder, as if he wanted to draw her inside him. A little nip for good measure and she arched so hard against him that he almost lost it.
God, she was sexy, and good and… Rational thought abandoned him.
Rory had never guessed how exquisitely sensitive her breasts could be, but Chase was rapidly teaching her that every other experience in her life had been pale by comparison.
It had been way too long since a man had touched her this way. Too long since she had even considered allowing it. It was as if pent-up years of self-denial were exploding all at once.
Her nipples were acutely sensitive, the one in his mouth responding to his ministrations, the other puckering in eagerness in the chilly air, the merest brush against it sending spikes of sheer desire to her very core.
She throbbed, she ached, she grew damp, and they’d barely started. She never wanted it to end.
Finally, he tore his mouth from her and trailed it up her chest, her throat, to give her another kiss. “It’s cold in here,” he whispered finally. “I don’t want to go fast, but I don’t want you to get chilled.”
> She didn’t think that was possible. She was also in no mood to wait. Right now that was a luxury that didn’t appeal to her at all.
“Hurry,” she whispered back. “Oh, please, just hurry.”
She hardly cared how cold the air felt when he rose, taking the blanket with him. She could hear him struggling to strip in the dark. Then his hands tugged at her clothing and she fought to help him. She wanted it all gone, every bit of it.
Wanted to know the delicious feeling of his skin pressed to hers from head to foot. Wanted to know everything about how he felt, and how he could make her feel.
As soon as he’d pulled her jeans and panties from her, he spread the blankets over her again. Then, surprising her, he burrowed in near her feet.
“Oh…” It was barely a breath as she felt him kiss the insteps of her feet, then her arches. Inch by inch he made his way up her legs, kissing and licking here and there. Making even that ordinary skin feel like an instrument of exquisite pleasure.
Anticipation built in her, a violent but steady drumbeat. Steadily, he moved upward, approaching that most secret of places, the part of her that felt as if it were expanding, opening, crying out silently for fullness.
Then he found her, dropping kisses on her swollen, moist petals. She bit back a groan, trying to hold still so that it would never stop, but her body betrayed her, tipping her hips up toward him.
At once he pressed his face hard against her, then a sharp shaft of pleasure-pain speared through her as his tongue found that exquisitely sensitive knot of nerves. It was almost too much to bear, and only some dim remaining sense kept her from screaming out at the sensation.
Never before…
None of this had ever happened before. He licked her again and it almost seemed as if something grabbed her, forcing her hips upward for more and more. She was afraid it would end. She feared she couldn’t handle much more. So intense. So extreme. So utterly unimaginable…
Again, then again, and just as she thought she would shatter into a million billion flaming pieces in painful pleasure, he stopped. He left her hanging on the precipice.