by J. L. Beck
“I just wanted to inquire about this extra credit you’ve been giving.”
I sighed. “There has been no extra credit.”
“Oh, but Gabe begs to differ.”
I stiffened as he continued.
“I thought maybe we could work out a similar arrangement.”
Before I knew what was happening, he was crumpled on the ground. I looked up to find my brother shaking out his fist.
“What the hell, man?” Brock snarled.
Brett leaned down. “Whatever you heard isn’t true. Now get out of my sister’s office before I break your legs.”
Brock jumped to his feet and practically ran from us. Brett watched him.
“Fucking freshman,” Brett mumbled then turned to me. “You okay?”
I had no words, so I shook my head slowly as silent tears began to fall.
“Come on.” Brett wrapped an arm around my shoulders and ushered me from the office. I looked up into his face, seeing the large swirling bruise for the first time. It created a half-moon under his right eye. For the first time since it happened, regret stabbed at me. I reached up to touch it, but Brett pushed my hand away.
“It’ll heal,” was all he said.
He led me outside where the sun nearly blinded me. As my eyes adjusted, I caught sight of a figure sitting on the steps.
Gabe turned when he heard us. His hair was messy and the signature grin was nowhere to be found. Even his eyes were bloodshot. I hid my face in Brett’s shoulder as he forced me past Gabe.
“Madison,” he called quietly.
I didn’t stop. Not after what just happened with Brock. How had he known?
Brett gripped me tighter as I stumbled over tired feet.
“When was the last time you ate?”
I shrugged. “I don’t remember.”
The anger I should’ve felt towards my brother wouldn’t come. I was too defeated.
It was official. San Paco suffered their first rugby loss of the season. I hadn’t been there. Brett told me not to come. He said it would’ve been too big of a distraction. Too many of the guys knew about me and Gabe. Gabe wouldn’t be able to focus on the game.
Turns out, he couldn’t focus anyway. He’d played so poorly, Coach yanked him from the game.
Not my problem, I told myself. It’d been a week since we ended things, and I did my best to move forward. I ignored the silent laughter and chatter of the boys who knew my secret. So far, Brett was able to keep it contained to the rugby team. He threatened anyone that spread what he called a false rumor.
I pretended it didn’t hurt when Gabe sat in my class and refused to lift his eyes.
I kept my anger towards my brother bottled up.
Tonight, I had to face my parents. They always seemed to know when I’d done something wrong. I couldn’t have them finding out about this.
Brett and I rode together – safety in numbers and all that. Mom answered the door, her eyes scanning me from head to toe. She nodded her approval of my outfit and then scowled at Brett for his choice of jeans before gasping when she noticed the bruise under his eye that had turned yellow after a week.
“I hope that’s only a rugby injury, young man,” she said.
He shrugged.
I’d have laughed if I could. ‘Only a rugby injury’ as if it was perfectly normal for grown men to tackle each other and it was okay if they got injured doing it. I’d always thought rugby was stupid.
He ignored her comment and pulled her in for a hug she was uncomfortable with. That was why he did it. Dad was in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on dinner. I mumbled a hello and sat on a stool at the kitchen island.
The smell of dinner turned my stomach. I hadn’t been eating much recently.
“You look tired, Madison,” my father chided, noticing that but not Brett’s bruise from an obvious fight. “Honestly, I don’t know what stresses you could possibly have in your life. You don’t even have a man.”
“Yes, thank you, Dad. I was hoping you’d remind me of that today.”
“Watch your tone, darling,” Mom said. “Your father and I are just worried about you.”
“What about me?” Brett asked jokingly, trying to change the subject. “Anyone worried about me?”
I shot him a grateful look.
“There’s no need to be worried about you, son,” Dad answered. “You’re going to do fine in life.”
“As opposed to me.” I slid off the stool. “Well, it’s been nice visiting, but I’m just going to go.”
“But you only just got here, Madison.” Mom put her hands on her hips. “You will not leave before supper. It’s impolite.”
“Wouldn’t want to be impolite.” I scowled at her before walking towards the door.
“Addy.” Brett jumped in front of me. “You can’t leave me here alone.”
“Why not? Aren’t they the ones you run to whenever you have a problem?” The anger I’d kept so well-contained poured forth. “You know what, I don’t want to be with you right now either. You can just all fuck off.”
“Madison Young,” Mom gasped. “Don’t speak that way to your brother.”
I felt the rumble before the explosion. My brain couldn’t hold me back anymore. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe I just wanted to hurt them. Maybe I just wanted to hurt myself. The words took on a mind of their own as they formed on my lips.
“I have feelings for a student!”
All noise stopped. Only the sounds of their breathing signaled my parents hadn’t had simultaneous heart attacks at my admission. I felt the room closing in around me and had to get out of there.
Before anyone could tell me what a terrible person I was, I bolted.
Amelia wasn’t home when I got there, and I was thankful to not have to exchange meaningless words right after I’d just torn my entire world down.
I didn’t know what my parents would do, but there was a hole in my chest that made it impossible to care.
I kicked off my shoes and crawled into my bed, burrowing under the thick comforter. Warmth enveloped me, but the chill remained in my bones.
I don’t know how long I laid there before I heard the front door close. Praying Amelia would assume I was sleeping, I shifted further underneath the covers.
“I know you aren’t sleeping and I had to take a freaking Uber here since you left me, so I’m not going anywhere.”
“You aren’t Amelia,” I groaned.
Brett laughed. “I’ll take that as a complement.”
“Don’t. Right now I like her more than you.”
He let out a long sigh and I peeked out from underneath the covers.
“Leave me alone, Brett.”
He didn’t listen to me, instead he walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry, okay?”
I shifted to push myself up, eying him skeptically. “Who are you and what have you done with the douche I call a brother?”
He shot me a grin before turning serious. “I didn’t know.”
“Didn’t know what?”
“That there were actual feelings involved.” He pressed a hand to his face. “This is so strange. You’re my sister, and he’s my wingman when we’re looking to score.”
I screwed up my face. “Ew.”
“What I mean is that I didn’t know until tonight that it was more than just a score. Gabe has been miserable. He’s been drinking a lot, and last weekend he couldn’t catch a ball to save his life. We always crack on him because he can catch even the worst passes. But last game it was embarrassing. I’ve never seen him like this before, and I can’t even talk to him about it because the guy hates me.”
I pressed my fingers against my eyes to keep the tears at bay as if I could literally hold them back. Shaking my head, I pushed back the hair that fell in my face.
“For good reason,” I muttered, then sat up straighter. “He couldn’t possibly feel anything. He told the guys on your team. That could get me fired.”
“Add
y, he didn’t do it.”
I met his gaze and he smiled before continuing.
“One of the guys saw him coming from your office adjusting his shirt. Gabe has been pounding on anyone who mentions it.”
“Kind of like you?” The weight on my heart lifted. I hadn’t realized how much I was hurt thinking he’d betrayed me.
“Well, I can’t let anyone talk about my big sister.”
I surprised him by leaning forward and wrapping my arms around him. “Thanks for looking out, little brother.”
When I leaned back, an amused look came over his face. “Now, about Mom and Dad.”
I flopped back with a groan and Brett chuckled.
“I explained the Gabe situation.”
I narrowed my eyes.
“Don’t freak.” He held up his hands in surrender. “Sometimes even they can surprise you. Mom’s exact words were ‘My baby found someone who could love her’ then she even cried.”
I stared at him, trying to figure out if he was kidding. “I should be completely offended, but I’m not.” I laughed. “But he doesn’t love me, and I definitely don’t love him.”
“You said ‘feelings’. What else could that mean?”
“Annoyance. Anger.”
“You loooove him.”
I smacked him upside the head with a pillow before he could duck out of the way.
“It looks like the only way we’re going to be champs this year is if pretty boy is a happy boy, so don’t mess it up.”
“Oh, before you leave, what did Dad say?”
A grin slowly spread across Brett’s face. “That he doubted you were a good teacher anyway so it was probably a good thing it would only last this semester.”
“So he’s going to make sure I’m done after this?”
“He won’t say anything, but he’ll expect you to resign to keep from heaping a scandal on the family. But you don’t really want to teach anyway, right?”
“Right.”
He left, my world suddenly very different than it was before he’d come; my future suddenly unknown. The only thing I did know was that if I was going to blow everything up, I may as well enjoy doing it.
Fun. That’s what I told him it was.
Feelings. That’s what my brother claimed I had.
Uncertainty is what my life had become.
9
My hands stilled on the lectern as Gabe walked into the classroom. His haunted stare sliced right through me. He looked awful. Sunken, bloodshot eyes. Hair disheveled on top. Jesus, Brett was right. He hadn’t been doing well.
Not that I’m much better.
Gabe skipped two weeks’ worth of lectures, and I wasn’t sure if he’d show up this week either. I feared he’d dropped the class. This credit was too vital for his degree. But he was here. Maybe and Brett had talked. Brett said he was over Gabe punching him and wanted to get Gabe back to peak rugby form. That meant being with me, apparently.
His chin remained tucked as he placed the notebook in front of him. He never once strayed from it.
I shut the lights off and scanned my eyes across the room. Brock was staring between Gabe and me with a slight raise to the corner of his lips.
Bastard.
I shook him off and got started. Today’s lecture was an easy one—watch a video and participate in the small discussion afterwards.
Simple.
“Wilson, can you get the lights? Today, we’re exploring linguistic anthropology and its influences on a culture. I have a video to show, then we’ll discuss the various languages and cultures.”
I found my seat and let the video begin. Wilson powered off the lights, and I’d be damned if my gaze didn’t stray to Gabe’s. Who was currently staring back at me. I felt every hurtful feeling, every scorch of anger his gaze burned into me. My pulse quickened.
Gabe, can’t you tell I’m just as miserable?
I forced myself to pull away and wouldn’t allow myself to look past the first two rows. I was a wimp. A twenty-seven-year-old wimp who couldn’t fight for what she wanted.
Not with my job.
Not with my parents.
Not with my boyfriend.
Class ended and the students filed out with Gabe holding back. A part of me got excited when I thought he was lagging to talk to me. But he didn’t even look my way. Not once.
I headed straight to my office and settled into my chair. The next lesson wouldn’t write itself, but my nerves were frayed. I tapped the pen on my desktop and stared off into space. Hard to think of anything while Gabe’s depressed look haunted me.
The knock at the door jolted me back to reality.
“Come in,” I yelled.
The door clicked shut, and as soon as I saw my visitor, my stomach did a strange flip.
“Gabe, you shouldn’t be here.”
“Nobody saw me. I made sure this time.”
We stared at each other for a moment before his face crumbled with concern. “Madison, you have to know I never told anyone about us or bragged to my teammates, right?”
“At first, I wasn’t sure, but I know now.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Or I think I do.”
“Madison—” He took a step toward me.
“Stop.” I held my hand up and shook my head. “Please don’t come any closer.”
“Fuck that.”
He closed the gap between us and wrapped his arms around me. Flashes of the day we met, the night in my old bedroom, the night in my current bedroom slammed into me. I never knew this level of love existed. I closed my eyes and leaned against his chest. His heart beat rapidly against my ear. He cradled my head as he wove his fingers through my hair.
I thought of our bad times. The awkwardness after of almost getting caught in the field. The fight that pursued after we did get caught. They all flitted through my mind.
Gabe hadn’t said a word. He just held me. And I knew. I just knew that every shred of doubt, every heartbreak fell back to one thing.
My insecurity.
I leaned back to look at him. “Gabe, I…”
I couldn’t finish my sentence. I wanted to tell him I loved him. That being with him was the happiest I’d ever been. But I couldn’t. He was still my student. Even if I didn’t care about my job, he still needed to graduate.
His fingertips grazed the side of my face and lifted my jaw toward him. When his warm, tender lips touched mine, every shred of willpower shattered. I surrendered my heart to him and rode each pleasurable pulse that coursed through my body. Sweet baby Jesus, I wanted this man.
He broke the kiss, and held me tighter. Hunger squeezed my chest as he stared deeply into my eyes.
“I missed you.” His voice cracked and nearly dissolved the last shred of willpower I clung to.
“I missed you, too.”
“My acceptance letter came in yesterday.”
“That’s great, congratulations.” I tried to sound enthusiastic, but the lump of reality lodged in the back of my throat choked my words.
“I’m turning it down.”
“What?” I scrambled out of his arms and stepped away. “No, you can’t do that.”
“I spent last night applying to UCLA. If I get waitlisted until next year, I can work where I intern at. I’ve already been offered a full-time position there.”
“Gabe, you can’t do that. Once you get out of school, it’s really hard to go back. Please hold off on turning it down.”
“Why? I want us to be together. I’m fucking miserable without you.” He stepped toward me, but I placed my hand on his chest to keep him away. I couldn’t think with him so close.
“Gabe, give me some time.”
“Time?” He took a step back. The hurt displayed in his expression almost made me cave. But I had to be strong. At least for a little while longer.
“You can’t jeopardize your future for me.”
“I think that’s up to me to decide. It’s my future.”
I bit my lip. This wasn’t going well.
“Let me take care of a few things first. You weren’t around for the shit storm that followed after Brett caught us. I need to straighten out some stuff.”
“Fine.” He stalked to the door. “Take as long as you need. You know where to find me.”
Our situation thwarted his grand exit. Instead of storming out, he cracked the door and scoped the hallway before leaving. It was almost comical.
Our encounter might not have gone smoothly, but it proved one thing: Gabe was worth the risk. There was only one way we could be together, and it had never been any clearer. I fired up my laptop and drummed my fingertips on the desk while I waited. This time, I wouldn’t cower to anyone. I knew exactly what to do. I just had to work up the nerve to do it.
10
Time. I’d asked for time. And every second of every day since I’d made that request, I wished I hadn’t. I wished he was there beside me when my father lectured me on my “decisions.” I wished he’d held my hand as I sent out resume after resume.
How much time was too much? How long would he wait?
Gabe still showed up to class, but he didn’t linger afterward. He didn’t try. Instead, there was an anger brewing deep inside of him. I saw it in the way he stormed down the hallway after class. Brett told me it came out during rugby practice.
Three weeks. That’s how long it had been since I last kissed him. Three fucking weeks.
“Madison,” someone said from the doorway of my office.
I looked up from my desk and straightened immediately when I took in the dean.
“I’m sorry.” I began hurriedly unburying the only other chair from a mountain of papers.
He waved off my worry and hiked his pant-legs up before taking a seat. A beat of silence passed between us and I waited. Just waited. A million scenarios worked in my mind of why he could be there.
He cleared his throat and rubbed a hand along his chin. “I walked into my office this morning and found an envelope on my desk.”
I nodded, words sticking in my throat.
“You’re resigning after this semester.”
“Yes, sir.”