by T. S. Simons
'I thought we had lost you,' she sobbed.
Weakly, I lifted my bandaged arms to her, and she crossed the room in three tiny steps. She placed the tray on the floor. Cam lay on one side, and Illy lay on my other, curled into me, sobbing with relief as I stared up at the ceiling. Without me noticing, Luca had arrived and now sat at the end of the bed, watching us all. Watching the light reflecting off the water dancing on the white ceiling, I realised how lucky I was.
'I'm so sorry,' I whispered into the silence, icy waves flushing my hollow veins.
'No!' Illy responded sharply, sitting up with a jerk. 'You will not apologise! Even the strongest people grieve. Grief is an intensely personal journey. There is no right or wrong way to experience loss. Do not be sorry. You have suffered an immense loss and shock. Healing is a path we all need to travel in our own way, and there is no correct period of time that it must take. We are just so grateful that you chose to come back.'
'Bloody psychologist,' Luca muttered, making Cam snort.
'Where are we?' I asked when Luca and Illy had left us alone, recognising the sensation that the boat was gently rocking at anchor.
'Adelaide. Partly as we needed to refuel, but also as Auckland is searching madly with drones and satellites. Tadhg and Jake are tracking their signals around the clock, so it made sense for us to lie low for a few days and make things easier for them. From the sky, they can't tell that this yacht has people aboard; the guys have seen no evidence that they have heat scanners. Tadhg believes they never thought they would need them. So, they are crazily searching the ocean, and we are happily camouflaged, moored among other yachts, even with our blue paint job. Adelaide not being a logical place to look; we are also hopeful that they won't think to look here. Luca and Illy have taken the opportunity to load up the vessel for the trip home. Why? Do you want to go ashore?'
'No.' Ordinary, I would have loved a land visit. I had adored being landside when Luca and I were travelling with Angus, but right now, even brushing my hair was a challenge I didn't feel capable of.
'Did you go ashore?'
'No.'
I didn't need to ask why. Instead, I ordered in as forceful a tone as I could muster. 'Go. Take a long walk. Get things for the kids. Please. I am fine. I promise.'
Cam's head dropped to the side, surveying me. I knew I had hit the nail on the head.
'Please. Louis and Kat are growing so rapidly. We need shoes and warm jackets especially. Can you get a few sizes? I couldn't find anything suitable in Freo.'
Standing, he paused. 'Will you come with me?'
'No. I don't have the energy for that. Please send Illy. I would like to talk to her.'
Our mission accomplished, the journey home was calmer, instilled with a sense of closure, although none of us were happy about what we had done.
'I can't believe she laid in that bed for years like a piece of meat,' I confided in Illy one night when I had enough strength to climb the stairs to the main living room. Cam and Luca were piloting the vessel in the dark to avoid detection, Tadhg and Jake still making minor adjustments to the sweeps performed by the satellites controlled by Clava and Auckland. 'That is what took me to the brink. Learning that my parents had signed her over to them, and they kept her alive, living like that. They jabbed her with needles, harvested her eggs, showed her no love, likely never even spoke her name. It makes me sick to think of her enduring that for so long.'
Illy's arms came around me, and I knew she understood.
'What did you do whilst Cam and I said goodbye?' I finally asked, not wanting to dwell on Kat and what I had done.
'We found the records,' she said simply. 'All the samples, lab reports. And… we helped the others pass.'
'Others?' I asked dumbly.
'The others like your sister. Twenty-five, including her. All women. We turned off the machines. None of them were alive when the building collapsed. We would never have done that. But I saw the condition they were in.'
There was silence as I took that in. Lab rats. All of them.
'Did you find Tomori's material for Sorcha?' I asked to break the melancholy that had descended over us.
'We did. It is in a container in my room. A small, cryopreserved Dewar jar with liquid nitrogen.'
'Is it still… viable?' I asked cautiously. 'It has been a long time.'
'Stored correctly, cryopreservation is viable indefinitely,' Illy shrugged. 'So yes. Likely the options are there.'
'How are you storing it?'
Illy smiled. 'While we were waiting for you, we located a small portable freezer to transport and store the jar to get it home safely. That is why I was on the other side of the dome. I had taken it to the dinghy. We were just waiting for you.'
'I am pleased. For her.' I forced the words out. It hurt to speak them. I was pleased for Sorcha to have a choice. It was the sense of positive emotion in the current circumstances that I couldn't endure. 'And the rest of us?'
'All of us from Australia and New Zealand had genetic material there. Even me,' Illy said grimly. 'It makes me wonder if Clava has a similar facility.'
'Likely,' Luca added, making me look up to see Cam and Luca paused in the doorway.
'What happened to it all?' I asked. 'The samples and records?'
'Destroyed.' Illy finished smugly. 'Even before Luca's handiwork. We opened every container and destroyed every sample. If they planned to use their back up genomes, they won't now. They still have their electronic records. There was no server room. But the samples are all gone.'
Cam and I looked at each other, and in that way peculiar to married couples, we knew that both of us were happy with that outcome. Not that we didn't want genomes to survive, we recognised the importance of that. We just genuinely believed that people should have free choice regarding who they had children with.
'The guard!' I blurted. 'I forgot about him! What happened to the guard?'
'Oh, I dragged him well clear and propped him up against a tree,' Luca reassured me. 'He will have woken from the explosion with a mighty headache. But no lasting effects. I know how hard and where to strike. Just so they sleep for a while.'
I smiled at Luca. I suspected I had no idea of the depth and breadth of Luca's skills, and I had known him for years.
He saw me considering. 'And, in case you were wondering, only that building was razed. Nothing else affected. Dust and debris, but no smoke. Jakob and Tadhg tapped the feed of one of Auckland's drones, so they saw the debris. Only that building. See,' he said pointedly to Illy, 'I told you it wasn't too much.'
Illy rolled her eyes and ignored him. 'We learned something of interest though,' she said, in a slightly odd tone.
'What?' Cam shot a glance at me as his fingers gripped mine more tightly, concerned I would go down the rabbit hole again.
Illy caught the look. 'Nothing like that,' she assured him hurriedly. 'This concerns you, actually.'
'Me?'
'They have isolated the Mousa Moss, and they have successfully replicated it in laboratories.'
'Replicated?'
'They collected samples after you alerted the team on Clava to the plant life on Mousa. They have been working on it for years, trying to grow more, I guess. But the exciting news is that the moss neutralises the protozoa. It allows other vegetation to grow within three square metres of a single patch of moss.'
'That is promising,' I said. 'That also explains why different plants were growing on Mousa.'
'It does.'
'Why is moss special?' Luca asked. 'Isn't it just a plant too?'
'Not really,' Cam explained. 'Most plants are cellular, that is, they have cells that move water around, from the roots through the plant itself. Moss is non-vascular, so it doesn't have cells that move water. A sponge is probably the best way to describe it. Moss soaks up water instead of moving it through the plant. Each patch of moss is composed of hundreds of tiny moss plants packed together, but they don't have ro
ots. They cluster together so they can hold water for as long as possible. Moss can only live in places that are always wet. Like riverbanks, and the north of Scotland.'
'Something in the sponge neutralises the protozoa. Maybe it is the non-vascular nature of it, or the lack of a root system. I don't know and judging by the little I had time to read, I don't think they do either.' Illy said. 'Maybe that is why they used the term replicate, not grow. They have tried many other species from all communities that have living moss, but the variety from Mousa is the only one that appears to have the neutralising effect. For now, that is all we have. No rush, but we printed those files, so you can read them when you are ready.'
'It is a great breakthrough,' Cam admitted. 'If the moss can neutralise the protozoa, and allow plants to grow in its vicinity, it means we can start re-greening the planet.'
'But it doesn't mean it is safe for us, does it?' I questioned Cam.
'Not at all. The protozoa are still toxic to us, but what this means is that other plants will live outside the domes. If we can re-green the planet slowly, using the moss, it means that when the protozoa are finally extinct, the job will be less daunting.'
'But when will that be?' Luca asked. 'Not in our lifetime, I presume?'
'Likely not.' Cam confessed. 'Probably not in our children's lifetime either. It will take a long time for the protozoa to die out, I would think. Especially one as widespread as this. But this gives us hope we can resettle. One day.'
'I'm not really sure I ever want things to go back to the way they were,' I admitted. 'I love the life we have now.'
'There were so many things I missed,' Luca said unexpectantly as he stared off over my shoulder into the distance. 'Did you know that is why I agreed to go with you and Angus on your explorations when you first arrived? I couldn't quite let go of the life I had once had. Lewis was mundane and boring, and I was desperate to escape. Two years as a builder was enough. It wasn't quite the same as the construction I had done before, building temporary housing in a war zone. I was grateful to be chosen; we all were. But I loved those years, travelling with you. Meeting new people, I felt like I had a purpose. Then I met the sunshine of my life.'
Luca paused and looked at Illy with so much love that I nearly swooned.
'It took meeting my Sunny to realise that I was constantly seeking my self-worth from external sources. Whilst I was in the military, I sought approval from my superior officers, rank and even income and possessions. Being accepted in the SAS, passing the training. Those things proved I was a success. No matter how well I did on something, I felt like I should have done better. I set harder goals and forced myself to achieve them. I pushed myself to do better than everyone else. Life was a challenge, and I kept setting the bar higher. Then I took your sister and Di to Clava and… my life changed. The girls came along, and I can't imagine life without them. I still remember the exact moment when I realised how my mission had changed. Sunny was in the clinic. It was perhaps a day, maybe two, after she had them. I was watching my girls sleep, all three of them, and this overwhelming sense of responsibility dropped me like a punch to the jaw. I knew, at that moment, my only job was to protect them. Not because they were weak, we all know that isn't the case. But because they were worth protecting. Nothing else mattered. That was nearly seven years ago. I have my girls, and my life is complete. I never want to go back to feeling like I did for so many years. Empty. Like I wasn't enough.'
'You will always be enough,' Illy stressed, snuggling into his side, then looking over at Cam and me on the opposite couches. 'All of you. You are enough. That is the greatest gift we can give to ourselves or each other. Confirming that we are enough.'
'Thank you. For everything.' Watching the stars dotting the sky like a tapestry through the open window, reflected in the still surface of the ocean, I curled into him. We were cruising, that peaceful sense of natural motion. We had left Adelaide where the others had salvaged as much food, bottled water, medication, equipment and supplies as they could, also taking time to find gifts for the children and our neighbours, without whom we could never have made this journey. Cam had proudly presented Luca with his much-wanted Mont Blanc watch amidst general hilarity. The long slow leg from Australia to Africa was ahead of us, with nowhere to refuel.
'What did I do?' he asked, confused.
'Oh, I don't know, nothing much. Travelling all this way with me helped me blow up a building and say goodbye to my sister. You were wonderful with her, by the way, and I am so grateful. I was paralysed when I saw her there. She looked nothing like the sister I remember. It was like a copy of her, a poor quality, cheap copy. But you just stepped right in and spoke to her like you had known her forever. Thank you, truly.'
'She is your sister. I just thought about what I would say if we had met at a café or restaurant, if you and I were together in the old world and you had introduced me to your sister. It is no different.'
The likelihood of Cam and I being a couple back in Melbourne was minuscule, but now was not the time to remind him of that.
'It was you that brought me back. I couldn't see my way out of the hole,' I confessed, struggling to form the words. 'It was dark and dank, and I was trapped, numb. I couldn't feel. Even doing this,' I raised my bandaged arms. 'I felt nothing. I thought I was dead. I was someplace else. Not here. Even now, I see her face flash in front of me, for no reason. I feel like I am still trapped in that pit, unable to get out.'
'I've been there, honey,' he murmured. 'When I lost you, I was in such a dark place. I never thought I would find my way out. I endured six months of hell searching for you before I finally sought to end my pain. I know what that torment feels like. There is no shame in it, and there is no shame in needing to take as much time as you need. Some people never see the light again, so I am glad you have.'
'I'm not sure I am there yet. I keep seeing her. Hearing her cry.'
Cam spoke so softly I had to strain to hear him.
'I used to hear your voice when I was searching for you… Crying, calling out to me. I would run in the direction I thought it came from and search until I dropped from exhaustion. But I never found you.'
'How…. how did you get past it?'
Cam paused, and I winced.
'Laetitia?' I asked, trying not to choke on the name. While logically I knew he had been married, happy with another woman, had a child with her, it still physically pained me to think of him with someone else. No matter how lovely she allegedly had been. It was enough that I saw her face every time Louis walked into a room.
'Not exactly. She was part of it, to be sure. But it was more than just her. It was Fraser, Isla, Hamish. The entire community on Lewis. They just accepted me, made me one of their own. Even Jam, in a way. The day I started to let you go, is the day I found her. I think she was sent to me to help fill a tiny part of the void losing you left in my soul.'
We had been married this second time for years. We were closer than ever, but a niggling part of me still resented those years he spent with Laetitia, and I had been alone. Still, I tried.
'I'm glad you found her,' I steeled myself, so the emotion didn't break through. 'I'm pleased she helped you.'
Cam was many things, but stupid was not one of them.
'Thank you,' he murmured as he nuzzled my ear. 'I know that is hard for you to say, but without her, I doubt I would have survived losing you.'
Not wanting to dwell on Laetitia, I asked, 'Illy told me before we arrived on Auckland, about a Scots concept called a caim. Have you heard of it?'
'I think so. It is a circle of protection, isn't it? There was a band with that name. Mum had some of their music.'
'That's it. Well, Illy and I were talking, and she told me about it. I suggested Lewis was like a caim, a circle that protected us from the other communities, kept us safe. She said that she thought it was the people on Lewis that were the caim. They bonded together to form a network, a ring if you like, and protected each
other.'
'She is right,' Cam replied. 'From the day I arrived, wet and bedraggled, they welcomed me. I haven't thought about caims in years.'
'I didn't feel that, at first. But I also recognise that I aligned myself with the wrong person. I just saw him as my ticket home. I chose well in that respect. He was the best person to get me back. I just didn't know about… the rest.'
'Well, you don't need to worry about Angus anymore. Nor about the community on Lewis. They all love you and treat you as one of their own. My darling, what worries me now is how much weight you have lost.' He ran his hands down my ribcage, which admittedly had bones protruding at all angles.
Not wanting to dwell on my weight, I kissed him ardently. The crisp night breeze blew through the room, cooling his heated body.
'Really, it means a lot to me what you did,' I breathed.
'Oh? How much?'
Throwing off my top, I displayed the new burgundy lace lingerie he had sourced in Adelaide. Cam exhaled deeply.
'Oh, that much!' He smiled naughtily, like a child caught with a cookie.
Kissing his toes and feet languorously, I slowly worked my way up his body, kissing and running my mouth along his legs. Taunting, teasing. His back arched as I reached the insides of his thighs, pausing to take my time.
'Oh God,' he moaned as his body tensed and then quaked, his face embedded in the pillow.
Refuelling at various abandoned ports along the way, and avoiding the domed communities, we made it home in just under five weeks. Weeks of pain, heartbreak, but time spent with my husband and friends. Luca and Illy had always been close to us, but now we were inseparable. Finishing each other's sentences, sharing meals. We sat up each night, talking. Always with two of us awake and operating the vessel. Luca and I had been friends for years, but now we connected on a different level. Two couples who shared their dreams, talked about their fears, revealed their secrets. Supported each other and propped each other up when times are tough. As we rounded the west coast of Ireland, despite my desperation to be home, I was surprised to feel sadness about returning to Lewis and living in separate homes.