Your Broom or Mine?: Magic and Mayhem Book Eight

by Robyn Peterman

  None of this made sense, I thought, as I tried to process what Fat Bastard meant about my sap.

  Jango tapped a claw to the side of his nose and winked. “Dat Fate works in mysterious ways.”

  “Shit.” Fabio shuddered, glancing around in alarm. “Is she here?”

  “Is who here?” Zach asked, confused.

  “Never mind bout dat,” Fat Bastard said. “What’s important is dat Willow can sap all youse fuckers and den youse will be immune to the poison for thirty-six minutes.”

  “That’s kind of exact.” I flexed my fingers, still unsure of what Fat Bastard expected from me. “Just thirty-six minutes?”

  All three cats shrugged. “Dems the instructions weese was told.”

  “Sap us,” Zach insisted before I could ask the cats where they got the directions. “They’re close to lighting the fire.”

  I had no clue how to sap everyone, but that wasn’t about to stop me. I hoped it didn’t hurt like when Nancy Lee had given me a power boost, but it didn’t matter. No pain. No gain.

  “Okay, I have no clue what I’m doing, but I’m gonna do it anyway,” I told my friends. “Close your eyes just in case the sap sprays everywhere, please.”

  “Crap,” Sassy muttered. “I just got the applesauce out of my hair. Sap is gonna be a bitch to remove.”

  “Hush, my love,” Jeeves said, squeezing her hand. “It’s far better than dying. Plus, just think of it as syrup.”

  “Ohhhh,” Sassy said with a little shimmy. “Like when I covered you in syrup and licked it off?”

  “TMI,” Zelda said with an eye roll. “I really don’t want to have to remove your mouth. You feel me?”

  Sassy giggled and gave her BFF a thumbs up.

  “Once we’re sapped, I’m going straight for Mae Blockinschlokinberg,” Zach said.

  “I'll get Zorro,” I said, insistently.

  Zach nodded. “Mac and Zelda can help you, then move him to safety.”

  “Whatever it takes to get him away out of harm's way,” I agreed. After, I would join Zach in a Blockinschlokinberg slugfest. Whether he wanted my help or not. My place was by his side.

  “I have my broom,” Sassy said. “Jeeves and I can fly him out. I’m not sure he would survive poofing out of here in his state.”

  Zach nodded and Zelda patted Sassy’s back.

  “Brilliant,” Zelda told her.

  “It was?” Sassy asked, delighted.

  “Totally,” I confirmed.

  “I’ll go with Sassy and Jeeves,” Fabio said. “Zorro will need to be healed. My house is a mile from here. We’ll take him there.”

  “Can you place a protection spell around the house?” Zach asked without looking at his father. His eyes were glued to every move Mae Blockinschlokinberg made.

  “Indeed, I can,” Fabio said.

  “Weese will just mosey on in and kick some slug ass,” Fat Bastard said as his cohorts nodded their agreement.

  “Andwewilltietheminknotsandremovethierinnardsandshovethemuptheirasses,” one of Sassy’s sons announced.

  “I’m sorry, what did you say?” I asked.

  “No one knows,” Sassy said, patting her son on the head lovingly. “But trust me, it was violent.”

  “Excellent,” Mac said, moving up next to Zach. “Zelda, you ready to pop some slugs?”

  “Hell. To. The. Yes,” she said in a steely tone. “Willow, after you sap us—which we will hopefully survive...” Zelda winked and grinned at me. “Can you guide the trees to encircle the area so not even one slug can escape?”

  “Will do,” I said. “But my battle goal is Zorro’s safety first. Period. If Mae Blockinschlokinberg and her posse get away, I don’t give a shit as long as we save Zorro. After that, I’m going in as Zach’s second. And if it comes down to it, and Mae Blockinschlokinberg escapes, Zach and I will hunt her down till the end of time. We clear on the mission?”

  I warmed as Zach's gaze held mine with so much pride and love, I thought I would burst. “You’re a badass,” he said.

  “I’m your badass,” I reminded him then glanced around. “Everyone good?”

  “Youse bet your soon to be sapped ass we are,” Fat Bastard said, giving me a little kitty thumbs up. Zelda and the others nodded.

  Fat Bastard clicked his claws. “Oh, forgot to tell youse. The investor is on the way.”

  “That’s fine,” I said, mentally thanking the Goddess for small favors. “We can pay him back all his money when this is over. Sassy ate the check so the money is still in the bank.”

  “And I pooped it out,” Sassy announced. “It’s in the septic system now. Mae Blockinschlokinberg will never find it.”

  There was a brief moment of silence.

  “Mmkay,” I said, blocking the visual of what Sassy had just overshared out of my brain and sized up our small force. “Close your eyes and get ready to be sapped.”

  “You go girl,” Zelda said. “You’ve got the balls to make it happen.”

  “Don’t need balls,” I said with a quick smile at Fabio. “Va-jay-jays are far superior.”

  “Duuuuude, you are my kind of chick,” Zelda said with a grin as she closed her eyes.

  Channeling Nancy Lee and her lovely giggle, I waved my hands and said a quick prayer to the Goddess to help me sap my friends with protection from the slug venom.

  The Goddess heard me.

  The tingle started in my toes and shot right to the top of my head—the very same way I’d shot to the top of the tree. A lightly scented spring breeze blew and I felt magic leave my fingertips and float to the ones I adored. I heard the squishy gasps of surprise and slowly opened my eyes.

  “Sweet Goddess in a thong,” I choked out, trying not to laugh.

  It was as if I’d pulled a Zelda with her pancakes. Everyone—including me—was covered from head to toe in gooey sap.

  “At least it smells good,” Zelda grumbled.

  “Tastes good too,” Sassy said, licking her finger.

  “Nope,” I said, giving her a look. “You can’t eat it until we’re done. If you eat it, it won’t protect you. Got it?”

  “Roger that,” Sassy said. “But you should bottle and sell this shit. It’s awesome! I would slather Jeeves in it any day of the week. We could call it Seduction Sap. That’s German for yummy foreplay goo.”

  “Noted,” I said with a wince then glanced over at my beautiful sap covered mate who I wouldn’t mind licking from head to toe once this was over. “You ready?”

  Zach nodded, his eyes filled with determination. “Born ready. On three we go.”

  “One,” I said.

  “Two,” Fabio added.

  “Three,” Zach said as we all shot from the bushes like bats out of hell.

  Although, Hell would be too good for Mae Blockinschlokinberg and her mini-mes, but that was where we planned to send them.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The clouds turned black and rumbled with fury. The sunny afternoon had been replaced with an ominous darkness that made my sticky, sap covered skin crawl.

  The fire had been lit and it roared beneath the iron kettle holding one of the most precious people in my life. Zorro’s body spasmed in agony as the magical fire heated the iron and brought the water to a quick and steamy boil. I sprinted like the wind to Zorro and pulled him from the blistering water. Squatting in front of the cauldron, I held him in my arms as Sassy, Mac, Jeeves and Zelda beat back the advancing venomous slugs.

  I swallowed the scream that rose in my throat at Zorro’s near-death state and concentrated on what I was supposed to do. There could be no broken links in the chain. Calling to the trees was simple and quick. I marveled as they uprooted and formed an impenetrable barrier around the camp. The mighty oaks and pines were stunning amidst the horror happening around them. I bowed in thanks and they bowed right back.

  The chipmunks sprinted around, creating havoc with each step they took. Sassy was correct. Her boys were violent—strangely adorable and completely out of control
.

  “Whatsatreesfavoritedrink?” one of them yelled to me as he slapped a few slugs with their own beige sandals.

  I couldn’t believe it, but I understood him. “A tree’s favorite drink is root beer,” I shouted back.

  All four chipmunks laughed hysterically and then proceeded to shred every single tent and all the possessions of slugs with their teeth in a matter of seconds. I made a mental note never to piss them off.

  Mae Blockinschlokinberg’s crazed evil minions chanted and danced around the fire, thinking they could shove all of us into the kettle now. They moved like they had snakes in their pants. Actually, they did. Slugs were some serious gross.

  Mae Blockinschlokinberg gulped back Zorro’s blood from the chalice like her life depended on it… or what little life she had left. Zach slowly approached her from behind as the cats flanked him ready to defend and attack.

  Mac’s vicious roar as he shifted into his wolf sent the nasty freaky slug minions skittering around like they were on fire. I quickly moved Zorro to a safer spot—safe being a very relative word at the moment. But at least we were away from the boiling cauldron.

  Sassy made setting the slugs on fire a reality. With a shriek that pierced my eardrum, she choked up on her broom and smacked the minions like they were baseballs and she was playing in the World Series. It was insane.

  But then again, Sassy was insane—fabulously insane.

  “Never wear black socks and beige sandals,” Sassy hissed as she knocked slug after slug into the roaring fire.

  “Willow, let’s get Zorro out!” Zelda shouted over the wailing of the smoldering slugs. She reached for a limp Zorro. Mac, still in his wolf form, guarded her and gnashed his huge deadly fangs at any slug who dared to come near. “Sassy. Jeeves. Take Zorro. NOW.”

  My heart and my burden lightened a little as Sassy and Jeeves hopped on Sassy's broom and zipped over to Zelda.

  The red-haired Shifter Wanker carefully handed Zorro over to Jeeves.

  “Hold on, kids. It’s gonna be a bumpy ride,” Sassy shouted as she flew them away. Fabio soared next to them and they disappeared from sight quickly.

  It would be an oversimp-leaf-ication to say the battle was a breeze, but the main objective had been accomplished in the first three minutes. Zorro was on his way to safety.

  We had thirty-three minutes to close the rest of the deal.

  “I didn’t want that one anyway,” Mae Blockinschlokinberg screeched over the screaming of her burning minions. “It’s you I want.” She pointed at Zach and began to chant a spell.

  “No fucking way,” I hissed.

  Sprinting faster than I ever had, I launched myself at the woman who was trying to curse my mate. I was very aware that Zach wanted the honor of removing her head, but he might not get the chance if she completed the spell.

  The cats appeared right next to me. For lumpy little things, they moved dang fast.

  “Duck, Willow,” Fat Bastard yelled. “Boba and Jango are gonna throw me. I’m gonna land my fat ass in her mouth so she can’t talk.”

  I was sure I’d heard him incorrectly, but I did as I was told. Zelda’s cats were some of the fiercest and most vicious fighters I’d ever come across. If they had a plan, it was probably good.

  Or gross.

  Definitely gross.

  I had not misunderstood. Jango Fett and Boba Fett drop kicked Fat Bastard through the air. They certainly had strong hind legs and good aim. Fat Bastard’s ample ass was now wedged in Mae Blockinschlokinberg’s mouth. Waving my hands, I covered the certifiable feline oddballs in some extra sap. I didn’t want to risk Mae Blockinschlokinberg biting Fat Bastards’ ass and killing him.

  Although, anything thrown at the cats ricocheted back on the attacker. Maybe that was their plan. However, with the large cat’s enormous bottom in her mouth, Mae Blockinschlokinberg wasn’t physically able to bite anything.

  “They’re shifting,” Zelda shouted, slapping the slimy bugs off of her. “I’m gonna start popping. It’s gonna get messy.”

  Zach grabbed Mae Blockinschlokinberg from behind and put his hands around her squat neck. Fat Bastard extracted his ass from her mouth and plopped down in front of her. Boba Fett and Jango Fett flanked him ready to insert his big bottom right back into her mouth at a moment's notice.

  “Are there more of you than just those here?” Zach growled. “How many other abominations like you are out there in the world?”

  “Wouldn’t you like to know,” she burbled and hissed, slime and blood leaking from her lips.

  The cats extended their nails and flashed them in her face. The chipmunks raced over wielding a bag of cellphones.

  “Nomorethisisitcheckedtheirphonesthatoneistheleader,” one of Sassy’s boys said.

  “What the hell did youse say?” Jango Fett asked.

  “Hackedinfabiotaughtustotalloserslotsofpicturesofdeadvictimsletskillem.” The chipmunk pointed at Mae Blockinschlokinberg.

  “But I thought you were vegetarians,” I said.

  “Youse understood dat?” Fat Bastard asked, shocked.

  I was a little shocked too. “I did. They’re all here. No more. Fabio also taught the chipmunks to hack and they found pictures of the dead victims. Mae Blockinschlokinberg is the leader. The brothers want to kill the slugs,” I said as the boys nodded spastically. “Whatever we do, we have to do it fast.” Time flies when you’re fighting for your life, and our time was almost up.

  As if on cue, Zelda yelled, “We have two minutes.” She was covered in slug guts as she continued to pop slug after slug.

  “Kill me,” Mae Blockinschlokinberg snarled. “See if I care. Henrietta Smith, my Queen, will save me.”

  “No one can save you,” Zach said coldly. “Sadly, none of the people you killed will be able to enjoy your demise.”

  “My death is my beginning,” Mae Blockinschlokinberg bellowed, turning purple in her rage. “Those whose blood I drank should feel honored by their sacrifice.”

  “Gonna go out on a limb and say you’re wrong,” I said.

  Mae Blockinschlokinberg glared at me and bared her teeth. “I hear dryad blood is tasty. I will come for you and make you my blood slave along with Zach just like my Queen did. I will destroy you and everything you love—Zorro, your friends and those little babies you’re so fond of. Their blood will be delicious. I will own all of you for eternity. All of you lessers will die violently by my hand after I gorge on your blood and become unstoppable. I will tear out your entrails and eat them with a spoon and a nice chianti. I shall rule the world, you lowly pieces of shit.”

  Fat Bastard rolled his eyes and raised his hand. “Hey Zach, wesse is down to one minute here. If Mae Blockinschlokinshitforbrains is done monologuin’, you should probably get to the head rippin’ part. Youse feel me?”

  Zach glanced sadly over at the pile of victims and looked up to the sky for guidance from the Goddess. A sliver of sunlight burst through the black clouds and a light sprinkling of sparkling silver rain fell from the sky. The Goddess cried for the ones who could no longer fight for themselves.

  “Do you have any last words?” Zach demanded. “Are you sorry for what you have done? Repent now and the Goddess might show you mercy.”

  “Your Goddess is nothing,” Mae Blockinschlokinberg hissed as spittle dripped down her chin and her eyes were wild. “I am the Goddess.”

  “Wrong answer,” Zach said flatly as he quickly and efficiently ended the vile life of a woman who never should have existed with one incredibly strong head twist. It wasn’t bloody. It wasn’t loud.

  The self-proclaimed slug queen went down with a crazed smile on her face as if she had a secret. She was whack-a-doodle.

  And she was gone.

  “Ding dong the blood-thirsty bitch is dead,” Zelda said, walking over and glancing down emotionlessly at the body of Mae Blockinschlokinberg. “How do you feel?” She looked at Zach.

  He shook his head. “I’ve never ended a life,” he said, staring at the woman lying o
n the ground. “I feel relieved. I don’t feel bad and I don’t feel good. I did what had to be done to protect the people I love and to avenge those who no longer need anyone's protection.”

  “Ending someone is never easy—no matter how evil,” Mac said, shifting back to human and pulling on some jeans. “Doing the right thing and then having to live with it can be difficult. However, if it’s me, or an unhinged lunatic murderer… I prefer me.”

  “Dat one was batshit cray-cray,” Fat Bastard said. “Even the investor said she was.”

  “The investor?” I asked.

  “Yep, she’ll be here any minute now,” Fat Bastard started, then screeched a yeeeow when he got picked up and thrown with his cronies to safety by a horrified Zelda.

  “What the hell?” Zach shouted, grabbing me and the chipmunks. “Run!”

  Mac was hot-footing it right on Zelda’s heels.

  Mae Blockinschlokinberg did have a secret. A horrible secret.

  Mae Blockinschlokinberg wasn’t dead. Or not in any conventional way.

  A dank wind blew through the forest as the body of Mae Blockinschlokinberg morphed into slugs. Thousands of slugs. Thousands of hissing, spitting, glowing red-eyed, deadly slugs who had one mission…

  To kill us.

  The Queen might have the final say after all.

  Chapter Seventeen

  “Magic. Use magic,” Zelda yelled as we got to the tree line. “Pop them.”

  Zelda and Zach shot fireball after fireball as the slugs advanced moving faster than I’d ever seen a slug move. Mae Blockinschlokinberg was the freaking Hydra of slugs. All the magical blood she’d ingested was paying off and making our chances of survival look slim. For every slug popped, ten more took their place. There had to be at least three thousand now.

  “Trees,” I shouted, waving my hands in the air frantically. “Uproot. Step on the slugs.”

  The giant oaks and pines heeded my command. The sound of the massive trees running toward the slugs rivaled an earthquake combined with a tornado and a tsunami. The chipmunks were terrified. With a clap of my hands, I poofed them to Fabio’s house. While they were violent, they weren’t killers. Vegetarians didn’t like death.