like the main man about town
she needs somebody to help her out
but that’s where you keep falling down
was there ever a thing so fair
that smashed itself to bits
sometimes you get nowhere
working on the midnight shift
a million tears gonna tear apart
eyes that never shut
a million spears gonna pierce your heart
it’s the death of a thousand cuts
a million souls all running scared
or else they only drift
you won’t find her anywhere
she’s working on the midnight shift
you’re gonna find her on the hit list
of a cheapskate beastly rag
you’re gonna find her on the midnight shift
what a fuckin drag
you really can’t stop now
the visitors arrive
here come the cops now
crunching up the drive
flat footsteps on the stairs
bad news travels swift
sometimes you get nowhere
working on the midnight shift
kung fu international
outside the take-away Saturday night
a bald adolescent asked me out for a fight
he was no bigger than a two-bob fart
he was a deft exponent of the martial arts
he gave me three warnings trod on my toes
stuck his fingers in my eyes and kicked me in the nose
a rabbit punch made my eyes explode
my head went dead and i fell in the road
i pleaded for mercy and wriggled on the ground
he kicked me in the balls and said something profound
gave my face the millimetre tread
stole my chop suey and left me for dead
through rivers of blood on fractured bones
i crawled half a mile to the public telephone
pulled a corpse out the call box held back the bile
and with a broken index finger i proceeded to dial
i couldn’t get an ambulance the phone was screwed
the receiver fell in half it had been kung fued
a black belt karate cop opened up the door
demanded information about the stiff on the floor
he wore a bamboo mask he was genned on zen
he finished his devotions and he beat me up again
thanks to that embryonic bruce lee
i’m a shadow of the person that i used to be
i can’t go back to salford the cops have got me marked
enter the dragon … exit johnny clarke
36 hours
36 hours in the mystery chair
36 hours in the quizzical glare
of the naked lights and the visible hardware
another bloke is leaving in a wheelchair
no joke here comes the punchline
lights out sack time
steel shoes on the stone cold floor
i hear the screws screaming in the corridor
the bad news and the slamming of the door
the what did i does and the what am i here fors
shades of doubt fall deeper than the slag mine
lights out sack time
hard cheese and a chest complaint
one man sneezes another two faint
sufferin’ jesus this ain’t
my venue
the man through the mesh says time to crash
the creeping flesh of a nervous rash
the last man to make a dash
is on the menu
here’s the boss with a mouth full of emeralds
a maltese cross and a pocket full of chemicals
jack frost snappin at the genitals
wash my cosh it’s a visit from the general
rule out sub section nine
lights out sack time
the killer gorilla with the perspex hat
says i say so and that’s that
take out the dog bring back the cat
scrape out the cafeteria rats
stab the rabbit feed the swine
lights out sack time
time flies slides down the walls
part of me dies under my overalls
i close my eyes and a woman calls
from a nightmare
the chronic breath of the dead collides
with the rattle of the waste disposal slides
no flowers for the man who died
in the bombscare
he’s in the frigidaire
freezing in these paper jeans
standing stiff in a dead man’s dream
tobacco barons and the closet queen
walk on the walls wank in the beans
shave shit a shower and a shoe shine
that’s it sack time
everybody looks like ernest borgnine
that’s it
36 hours on the battery farm
a blindfold and a broken arm
i got the cold shoulder sleepin’ in the barn
who’s barn what barn their barn
the old soldier and his old-world charm
lift that weight drag that woodbine
lights out mate sackarooni time
lights out sack time
the pest
the pest pulled up propped his pushbike on a pillar box paused at a post and pissed ‘piss in the proper place’ pronounced a perturbed pedestrian petulantly and presently this particular part of the planet was plunged into a panorama of public pressure and pleasure through pain the pandemonium prompted the police who patrolled the precinct in pandacars to pull up and peruse the problem while pickpockets picked pockets in pairs ‘arrest the pest who so pointedly pissed in that public place’ pleaded the peeved populace practically palpitating the powerful police picked up the pest pronounced him a pinko a pansy a punk rocker and a poof they punched him poked him pummeled his pelvis punctured his pipes played ping-pong with his pubic parts and packed him in a place of penal putrifaction he pondered upon progressive politics put pen to paper and provocatively and persuasively propogated his personal political premise – pity: a police provacateur put poison pellets in the pest’s porridge the police provocateur was promoted and the pest was presented with the pulitzer peace prize … posthumously.
drive she said
i hit the deck
like a ton of lard
when the back of my neck
hit something hard
a yard of lead
or a judo chop
drive she said
i’ll tell you when to stop
up my sleeve
she stuck me with a spike
said you can leave
whenever i like
give me bread
take me round the shops
drive she said
i’ll tell you when to stop
there was eloquence
style and poise
and pure malevolence
in her voice
move it man
chop chop
drive she said
i’ll tell you when to stop
she wore leatherette jeans
airwear shoes
i never yet seen
such a rare hairdo
a natty dread
with a borstal crop
drive she said
i’ll tell you when to stop
a morbid silence
filled the air
threats of violence
always there
straight ahead
now take me round the block
drive she said
i’ll tell you when to stop
what she cried
i never heard
as colours slide
and voices blurred
the lights were red
stuck on stop
drive she said
i’ll
tell you when to stop
there was eloquence
style and poise
and pure malevolence
in her voice
move it man
chop chop
drive she said
i’ll tell you when to stop
valley of the lost women
the windows are frigidaire icebergs
frozen in prickly heat
the vanishing cream victims
are drip fed amnesia neat
where the test card melodies warm you
in powder blue pseudo bel air
germs and flies alarm you
they whisper the word expelair
the eyes of the night sub zero
peep through the windows of sleep
everyone’s husband is a hero
and ghost insurance men creep
through the valley of the long-lost women
dreaming under the driers
eating sleeping and slimming
according to what is required
they walk through three-colour brochures
depicting palms on aqua marine
in the half-built hotels out of focus
they’re mending the vending machines
where sixty italian love songs
are sung to a million guitars
they lick their drinks on sticks
among the men with important cigars
numb to the digital numbers
two three … four five six
lost in a faraway rhumba
where the oildrums are beaten with sticks
she left her heart in frisco
she left her room in a mess
she left her hat in the disco
she never left her address
the diving board springs to assistance
throws you off from the shore
telephones ring in the distance
there are lifts getting stuck between floors
a truck turns into a cul-de-sac
springtime turns to ice
rucksacks turn into hunchbacks
musclemen turn into mice
in a painless panorama
with its perpendicular might
the women are going bananas
and disappearing from sight
gaberdine angus
gaberdine angus at the magazine rack
views the situation from the front to the back
nobody’s looking for the man with the mac
stick it right back on the stack jack
gaberdine angus had a mean trick
had a mean wang made women sick
here’s one now go on act the goat
gaberdine angus open your coat
why waste words why risk resistance
when you can climax from a distance
shock tactics designed to stun
gaberdine angus it isn’t done
she don’t run she don’t scream
your pink extremity has gone unseen
she doesn’t give the usual nervous cough
so zip up angus and then zip off
i don’t wanna be nice
here he comes now
the fat fingers the expert eyes
the same old how d’you do
disgust is just his dumb disguise
he wants a word with you
his problems are the end
a mouth needs exercise
the last thing i need is another friend
i don’t wanna be nice
i don’t wanna be nice
i think it’s clever to swear
i would seek some sound advice
but i would look elsewhere
what you see is what you get
you only live twice
a friend in need is a friend in debt
i don’t wanna be nice
no we never met before
i’m happy to say
far from perfect strangers
i like to keep it that way
i’m not your psychoanalyst
i’d rather talk to mice
you’re so easy to resist
i don’t wanna be nice
i don’t wanna be nice
i think it’s clever to swear
i would seek some sound advice
but i would look elsewhere
your face is an obvious case
you shouldn’t put it about
this is neither the time nor place
to sort these matters out
what you see is what you get
you only live twice
a friend in need is a friend in debt
i don’t wanna be nice
health fanatic
around the block against the clock
tick tock tick tock tick tick tock
running out of breath running out of socks
rubber on the road flippety flop
non-skid agility chop chop
no time to hang about
work out health fanatic work out
the crack of dawn lifting weights
a tell-tale heart reverberates
high in polyunsaturates
low in polysaturates
a duke of edinburgh’s award awaits
it’s a man’s life
he’s a health fanatic so was his wife
a one-man war against decay
enjoys himself the hard way
allows himself a mars a day
how old am i what do i weigh
punch me there does it hurt no way
running on the spot don’t get too hot
he’s a health fanatic that’s why not
running through the traffic jam taking in the lead
hyperactivity keeps him out of bed
deep down he’d like to kick it in the head
they’ll regret it when they’re dead
there’s more to life than fun
he’s a health fanatic he’s got to run
beans greens and tangerines
and low cholesterol margarines
his limbs are loose his teeth are clean
he’s a high octane fresh-air fiend
you’ve got to admit he’s keen
what can you do but be impressed
he’s a health fanatic give it a rest
shadow boxing punch the wall
one-a-side football
what’s the score one all
could have been a copper too small
could have been a jockey too tall
knees up knees up head the ball
nervous energy makes him tick
he’s a health fanatic he makes you sick
track suit
two-tone stretch nylon yellow stripes on navy blue
i got a brand new track suit i got the old one too
i got the old one too
i got a new track suit
i wear it every day
keeps me cool and casual
i wore it yesterday
i wore it yesterday
i got a new track suit
i wear it everywhere
track me down to the training ground
maybe i’ll be there
maybe i’ll be there
wearing the brand new track suit
medicine ball to boot
knee pads an airline bag
and the overall smell of brut
the overall smell of fruit
expert eyes have scrutinized
and scientists agree
one track suit would suffice
but you’re better off with three
you’re better off with three
two-tone stretch nylon yellow stripes on navy blue
i got a brand new track suit i got the old one too
i got the old 1 … 2
sleepwalk
i can wriggle out of arrangements you can’t pin me down
i tend to dodge engagements i’ll see you around
am i OK not really no i seem to stop and
start
anything i can do let me know i think i’ll sleepwalk outta my heart
sleepwalk in the daytime access to all floors
sleepwalk in a straight line leading out of the door
shockproof city a world of eyes marvellously dead
these friends of mine need exercise they sleepwalk instead
no guardian angel intercepts the sleepwalking kid
who sleepwalks the fractured steps to the sleepwalking skids
the way the private eye goes about his ancient art
i can do it with my eyes closed sleepwalk outta my heart
stop look listen to the zombie the hootchie kootchie blues
black slacks and a crombie gucci shoes
a psycho stud and his steady girl are heading right this way
when all the footsteps in the world sleepwalk away
the victim of ambition loitering with intent
the human condition of who knows what percent
it’s goodbye from me till now i never really cared
sleepwalk anyhow anywhere
sleepwalk talk faster and faster one of these talking birds
sleepwalk away from disasters like they never occurred
too much devotion keeps me apart
sleepwalk in slow motion outta my heart
in the creepy zilch of subways the sub pedestrian plod
sleepwalk on Sunday beneath the drones of god
such a hazardous pastime i’m gonna be smart
sleepwalk for the last time outta my heart
sleepwalk on duty see myself in a pool
a sleepwalking cutie a sleepwalking fool
stuck in the afternoon they do go on
when normal service is resumed i’ll be sleepwalking gone
beezley street
far flung crazy pavements crack
the sound of empty rooms
a clinical arrangement
a dirty afternoon
where the fecal germs of mr freud
are rendered obsolete
the legal term is null and void
in the case of beezley street
Ten Years in an Open Necked Shirt Page 4