by Amy Clipston
The voice came from the very back of her brain. No, she couldn’t allow that. And she couldn’t break her promise to Mark either.
She glanced over at Ethan as he sat beside Mark. Her son looked happy and proud. Was he proud to be part of the Riehl family? He was gaining a stepfather who seemed to cherish him and cousins who loved him. Maybe this was the best choice.
Oh, she was losing her mind! When would she stop feeling so off-kilter?
Laura touched her arm, and Priscilla looked up at her. Laura lifted her eyebrow as if asking if she was okay, and Priscilla nodded. Looking satisfied, Laura turned back toward the minister. Thankfully, he continued to talk, oblivious to their silent conversation.
Beside Laura, Cindy and Sarah Jane looked beautiful in their matching red dresses. They would all be her new sisters.
Priscilla glanced at Mark again when she thought she felt his stare, and he gave her another smile. This time she smiled in return, but her smile faded as fear washed over her once again. She had to make this marriage work for her son’s sake, but she didn’t know how to be Mark’s wife. She only knew how to be Ethan’s mother. She breathed around the razor-edged knot of anguish that lodged in her throat.
When the sermon was over, Priscilla bowed her head as the rest of the congregation knelt for silent prayer. When the prayer ended, the bishop stood and began to preach the main sermon. His words were only white noise as the undercurrent of worries that had been rippling inside her continued to grab her attention. She’d packed all her and Ethan’s belongings yesterday, and her father and Mark carried the boxes and suitcases to the daadihaus, leaving behind only what she and Ethan needed for today.
She still didn’t know how she was going to explain to Ethan why she was sleeping in his room.
Suddenly the sermon was over, and Priscilla’s body began to shudder anew. She tried to swallow, her throat feeling like sandpaper rubbing together. She glanced up just as the bishop looked between her and Mark. It was time for her to stand with this man so they could declare their desire to be married. She didn’t know if she was strong enough to go through with this after all. If she backed out now, would Mark and his family ever forgive her?
Would Dat?
“Now here are two in one faith,” the bishop said. “Priscilla Elizabeth Allgyer and Mark Abraham Riehl.” The bishop asked the congregation if they knew any scriptural reason for the couple not to be married. After a short pause he continued. “If it is your desire to be married, you may in the name of the Lord come forth.”
Priscilla turned toward Mark as fear crawled onto her shoulders and dug its claws into her. With a smile, Mark held out his hand. She took it, and he lifted her to her feet. His hand was warm and strong, and when she swayed with dizzying doubt, he held her fast. She peeked up at him as he watched the bishop intently. His face was serious as they took their vows.
Priscilla’s heart pounded as the bishop read “A Prayer for Those About to Be Married” from an Amish prayer book called the Christenpflict.
Priscilla and Mark sat down for another sermon and another prayer, and she willed herself to concentrate on anything but her doubts. She was safe. Ethan was safe. Their families and the community would be satisfied. That was all that mattered.
After the bishop recited the Lord’s Prayer, the congregation stood, and the three-hour service ended with the singing of another hymn.
And then it was official—Priscilla and Mark were married. She thought she might choke on the lump forming in her throat.
The men began rearranging furniture while the women prepared to set out the wedding dinner. Priscilla tried to remember what they were serving. Oh yes. Chicken with stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, pepper cabbage, cooked cream of celery, cookies, pie, fruit, Jell-O salad . . . Maybe if she concentrated on the mundane, she’d be okay.
Priscilla stood, and Mark held out his hand again.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
Priscilla stared at him before blinking. Mark Riehl was now her husband and partner—forever. There was no going back. No changing her mind. She was stuck with Mark, and he was stuck with her. The idea stole her breath.
When will this feel real?
“Are you ready?” His smile drooped as he repeated the question, his hand still held out to her.
“I don’t—”
“Priscilla!” Laura came from behind her and hugged her. “Congratulations!”
Cindy was next to offer a hug. “I’m so froh mei bruder has finally settled down.”
Priscilla glanced at Mark. He was engrossed in a conversation with Jamie and Allen as his father stood beside him and laughed.
Mamm arrived and hugged her as she whispered in her ear. “You made the right decision. You’ll be froh with Mark. Trust me.”
“Welcome to the Riehl family,” Kayla said as she squeezed Priscilla’s arm. “They are a blessing.”
“But no one can spell your name when you’re in the Englisher world. Just wait until you see a doctor. They think it’s spelled R-E-A-L,” Florence said. Everyone around her laughed.
“Let’s eat!” Ethan said.
Priscilla forced a smile as Ethan tried to tug her toward the food the women were beginning to deliver to the tables. She felt as if she were spinning out of control, and she was ready for the world to slow down and let her off.
“Congratulations, sohn.” Dat patted Mark’s back.
“Danki.” Mark glanced at Priscilla, who looked stunning in her red dress as she spoke to his sisters. She was his wife. He had a wife! And a son!
“Pretty soon you’ll be welcoming a little one too.” Jamie smacked Mark on the back.
“What?” Mark looked at his older brother, and everyone laughed.
“You’ll have a boppli too,” Jamie said, explaining slowly as if Mark were a dolt.
“I knew what you meant,” Mark said, grousing.
“Don’t worry.” Allen’s smile widened. “Kinner are fantastic. I thank God every day for my Mollie.” His gaze turned to where Laura stood holding the little girl’s hand. “Kinner are a blessing. Don’t let anyone tell you any differently.”
Mark’s heart warmed at the thought of having a child with Priscilla. But then he remembered Priscilla’s rules from the day they’d met with the bishop.
This is going to be a marriage in name only. We’re going to live like two freinden, not husband and fraa.
He swallowed back his gripping regret. Any hope for having a real marriage fizzled.
“Don’t look so terrified.” Allen chuckled. “You’ll be a great dat.”
“Sure he will.” Jamie looped his arm around Mark’s shoulder. “If I can be a dat, then anyone can.”
“Oh, it’s not so bad.” Walter, his stepbrother, joined their circle. “You just have to have patience and remember that as much as you want to send your kinner back, you can’t.”
Everyone chuckled.
“That’s the truth,” Dat chimed in. “There are days when you’d like to.”
Mark laughed and then glanced over at Priscilla. She’d looked terrified during the wedding, and he’d longed to hold her hand and comfort her. He’d prayed she’d relax. Hopefully tonight he could talk to her and promise her that everything would be okay.
While his brothers continued to make jokes, his mind wandered to how he’d stayed awake for hours last night mulling over his father’s wise words. He’d concluded that he would do his best to be patient with both Priscilla and Ethan. He’d allow Priscilla to take the lead in their relationship. He’d let her come to him for affection when—and if—she was ready. Until then he’d bide his time and be the best friend he could be without crossing any intimacy lines—even if that meant her having her own bedroom when they moved into the new house next year.
As much as he loathed the idea of living like two friends, he couldn’t force her to do anything. He wouldn’t abuse her the way Trent had. He would respect her, just as his father advised.
While this marr
iage hadn’t been their choice, he’d do everything possible to make it work. He just prayed Priscilla would do the same.
“Gut nacht!” Priscilla waved as Laura and her family climbed into a van.
As the vehicle bounced down the driveway, Priscilla cupped one hand to her mouth to stifle a yawn. The day had been long, and she was ready for bed.
“Ethan is fast asleep,” Mamm said as she came down the path from the daadihaus. She held a Coleman lantern in her hand. “He was worn out from playing with his cousins.”
“Ya, he was.” Priscilla hugged her sweater to her chest. The night air had cooled as soon as the sun set. “Cindy, Sarah Jane, and I cleaned up most of the food from the barn.”
“We’ll finish it tomorrow.” Mamm waved off her worry. “Go on to bed. I’ll see you in the morning.” She looked past Priscilla and smiled. “There’s your husband.”
Priscilla’s heart seemed to trip over itself at the word husband. How long would it take to get used to that? She spun as Mark approached with a lantern from the direction of the barn where the wedding had been held. Still clad in his Sunday clothes, he was more handsome than ever.
Priscilla suddenly remembered the surprise she’d planned for him. She turned to her mother. “Did you leave the package on the counter in the kitchen?”
“Just as you asked.” Mamm nodded.
“Danki,” Priscilla said before turning back toward Mark.
“I was looking for you.” Mark waved at her mother. “Are you and Yonnie heading in?”
“Ya, we’ll finish cleaning up tomorrow.” Mamm winked at her. “Gut nacht.”
Priscilla swallowed a gasp as her mother turned and left.
“Well, I guess we’ll turn in.” Mark made a sweeping gesture toward the path leading to the daadihaus.
Priscilla fell into step beside him as she searched for something to say.
“I meant to tell you earlier that you look beautiful,” he said.
She looked up at him.
He laughed. “Why do you look so stunned? You know red is my favorite color on you.”
“Danki.” She fingered her dress. “Your family was a tremendous help at cleaning up.”
“You mean our family.” He bumped her with his elbow. “They’re your family too now.”
“I know, but it will take me awhile to get used to that.” They headed up the porch steps, and he reached around her to open the door. She stilled as his arm brushed hers, sending shivers dancing up her arm to her shoulder.
He wrenched open the door, and she stepped through. She pressed her lips together as he closed and locked both the storm door and front door.
“It was a lovely day,” she said.
“Ya, it was.” He turned to face her. “I have a surprise for you.”
“Really?” she asked. “I have one for you.”
“Okay.” He laughed. “You go first.”
She crossed to the kitchen counter, picked up the package, and handed it to him.
“What’s this?” He turned it over in his hands.
“It’s a wedding gift.” She shrugged. “It’s not much. Just a little something.”
“Wow. I never expected this.” He opened the package, and then he blew out a puff of air as he stared at the case that held a twelve-piece wood carving chisel set. “Priscilla. You shouldn’t have.”
“I wanted to get you something, and you mentioned that you’d lost a few of your daadi’s chisels.” She bit her lower lip. “I hope you like it.”
“I love it.” He met her gaze and smiled. “Danki.”
“Gern gschehne.” As she looked into his eyes, something unspoken seemed to pass between them. She sucked in a breath as her body tingled. Did Mark feel it too?
“Your gift.” He made a sweeping gesture toward the hearth. “I hope you like it.”
She spun, and then she cupped her hand to her mouth again as she took in a beautiful rocking chair sitting by the sofa. “Mark!”
She crossed the room and ran her fingers over the smooth wood. Happy tears filled her eyes.
“Where did you get this?” she asked.
“One of Jamie’s firefighter freinden makes and repairs furniture, and his dat has a store. His name is Leon. I went to town one day to the hardware store, and I stopped in to see him. He had this chair there, and I thought it would be perfect for you to sit by the fire when it gets cold.”
“Danki.”
“Try it out.” He sat on the sofa and gestured toward the rocker.
She sank into it and pushed it into motion. Leaning back, she smiled. “It’s perfect. I love it.”
“I’m so glad.”
They stared at each other as awkwardness permeated the air around them.
Finally, he patted the arm of the sofa. “I’ll sleep here. Just let me get my clothes out of the bedroom.” He stood and started toward the larger bedroom.
“No.” She jumped up from the chair, trailed after him, and pulled him back. “Let me get my clothes, and I’ll sleep with Ethan, like we’ve already discussed.”
“Priscilla, I don’t feel right letting you sleep with Ethan. It’s better if I just sleep on the sofa until we have a bigger haus.”
“There’s no discussion.” She grabbed a lantern from the kitchen counter and headed into the bedroom, where she retrieved her nightgown, slippers, and robe. When she walked back out to the family room, she saw Mark had remained in the same spot as if his shoes were glued to the floor.
She walked over to him and smiled. “Gut nacht.”
His expression clouded with something that looked like intensity, and her heart hammered. He reached over and cupped his hand to her cheek, and her breath stalled in her lungs. Was he going to kiss her? Her mouth dried.
“I just want you to know,” he began, his voice low and husky, sending an unfamiliar tremor through her, “that I’m in this marriage one hundred percent. I’m grateful you’re allowing me to adopt Ethan and give him my name. I’ll take care of you and Ethan, and I’ll do my best to be the husband you deserve.”
“Danki.” She nodded and held her breath, waiting for his kiss.
“You don’t have to thank me.” He let his hand drop to his side. “Gut nacht, Priscilla.” Then he moved past her into the bedroom, the door clicking shut behind him.
Priscilla worked to catch her breath. Her cheeks heated as she covered her forehead with her hand. She’d been certain he was going to kiss her, and she’d wanted him to!
Was this wrong? They weren’t in love. Kissing would turn into more, and her heart wasn’t prepared to give itself to Mark. How could she when she didn’t love him and he didn’t love her? Allowing herself to become attached to him would only lead to disaster and heartache.
Forcing herself to push away her confusing feelings, she headed into the bathroom to get ready for bed.
After changing into her nightgown, she gathered her things and tiptoed into Ethan’s room before carefully climbing into bed. Ethan rolled onto his stomach, and his soft snores sounded through the darkness.
She moved onto her side and tried to ignore a sudden yearning for her husband.
TWENTY-SIX
PRISCILLA SANK ONTO THE BACKLESS BENCH BETWEEN Laura and Kayla on Sunday morning. Today’s service was held at the King family’s farm, and Priscilla glanced around at the married women in her section. It felt surreal to sit with these other women when only a couple of weeks ago she had been with Cindy, Sarah Jane, and the rest of the unmarried women.
“So how’s married life?” Laura bumped Priscilla’s arm with her shoulder. “You seem froh. Is everything going well?”
“Ya.” Priscilla shrugged. “It’s fine.”
Laura and Kayla shared a look.
“What?” Priscilla asked.
“You just look really froh.” Kayla smiled. “I’m glad for you. Mark is a gut man, and he’ll take gut care of you and Ethan.”
Priscilla turned toward the rows of married men and found Mark sitting between Et
han and Jamie. She took in his serene face. The past couple of days had been comfortable as they settled into a routine. Mark seemed satisfied with her cooking, and he’d been patient with Ethan, helping him get ready for school Friday morning and allowing him to help with chores when he arrived home and yesterday.
So far her new life had been just fine—better than she’d expected. But still, something was missing, something she and Mark would never have: a true marriage with love and affection at its core.
Priscilla studied Mark as he turned his attention to his brother beside him. He was even more attractive than usual dressed in his Sunday clothes. Priscilla admitted to herself that she could watch him from afar for hours, but she pulled her attention away and looked down at her apron. She had to find a way to remove these thoughts from her mind.
“Was iss letz?” Laura whispered in her ear.
“Nothing.” Priscilla sat up straight and lifted the hymnal beside her from the bench. “I’m just preparing my mind for worship.”
“Is everything really going okay?” Laura asked.
Priscilla glanced to her right. Kayla was speaking to a woman beside her.
“Ya, of course.” How could she possibly reveal to Mark’s twin that she longed for intimacy with him? This was too personal and embarrassing to say out loud.
“I’ll listen if you ever need someone to talk to, okay?” Laura said, her blue eyes full of concern.
“I appreciate that. Danki.” Priscilla fingered her hymnal and then glanced down at Laura’s belly. “How are you feeling?”
“Oh, okay.” Laura smiled. “I’m just really tired all the time.” She nodded toward Kayla. “I can’t believe we’re both due in a couple of months. It’s gone so quickly. Right, Kayla?”
Kayla laughed and shook her head. “No, it feels like I’ve been pregnant for three years.”
They all chuckled.
“It’s almost over.” Laura smiled. “And then I’ll have mine too.” She rubbed her belly.
“Have you discussed names?” Priscilla asked.
“Ya, we have.”
As Laura shared their top choices for names, Priscilla settled into her seat. She was ready to worship God and allow her worries to dissolve.