We have known for some time now what the last scene, the last shot will be, but how we get there, I’m not exactly sure. What I am sure of is that this show, this fake world within our own, this project and this partnership has been and will always be a defining moment in my life. An extraordinary ten years. Ilana and I have had the privilege to allow ourselves to expand individually and together as creators, showrunners, writers, actors, producers, and directors within this project. We have matured as collaborators and learned to compromise and build a business together while maintaining our own autonomy. When it is over, I hope we walk away knowing we put all of ourselves into it—all our insecurities, our fears, all the messiness, the mistakes, the leaps and disastrous spills. I aspire for the show, and its ending, to be jam-packed with hope and heart and idiotic mishaps. For all fifty episodes to be overflowing with love and laughter from two knuckleheads who found each other’s company constantly comforting through all of life’s most unsure and empowering moments. I want to finish knowing we tried everything we wanted to, experimented in every way: through the comedy, the content, the characters, the medium, the style. I want to leave it all in the middle of the street, like a guttural howl at the moon. Our audience has watched us as real people grow up right alongside our characters. All four of us striving and failing, trying our best to find our places, our voices, our identity.
I don’t know how I’ll feel when it’s all over. When we shoot the last scene, lock the last shot, or air the last episode. My chest gets tight even thinking about it—this has been the longest relationship I’ve ever had, and I know I’ll be heartbroken when it’s finished, but I also want it to end, I need it to. As much as I wish I could prepare and anticipate what that loss will feel like, I think I’ll push it off as long as I can, to stay put, here, in the year I have left while living in Broad City.
The show has ignited a wild jolt of expression in me, and I will chase that energy the rest of my life. I can only hope I’ll find something else that gives me what making Broad City has. Ultimately, that’s the whole point of why I’m here in Santa Fe, on this road trip at all, searching for something to light my life up in a new way, like Broad City did my creativity. The problem with searching is you often find everything but the thing you’re looking for. It’s exactly like when you set out to go clothes shopping. If you announce that to anyone as your intention, even yourself, casually thinking, You know what, I’m going to find a new top today, you have immediately jinxed the task at hand, and you will find nothing. No tops for you! It will never happen. It’s only when you are in the middle of something else, and you wander into a store, not looking for anything in particular, that you find the most fabulous fucking blouse the world has ever seen! Ideas, love, the rare spark of creativity, are all usually found, like that gorgeous blouse, when you forget about them for a moment and go about living your life. So, I kept walking. I ran my fingers along beautiful, handwoven textiles. I went to the Georgia O’Keeffe museum and wandered into her life for a few hours. I watched the light hit the earth-colored buildings, making them glow. I wasn’t in some fake reality, on some backlot in LA. It was real, and I was present, in a new city, on my own, and anything was possible. I had driven across the country and found myself in this particular place on earth. I was right there, in that moment in New Mexico, the sun shining down on my face. I didn’t stumble upon a huge revelation that would lead to my next creative endeavor, or meet my next great love in Santa Fe, but before I knew it, I was buying a blouse, and sometimes that’s exactly what you need.
WORKING WOMAN
I work almost constantly.
I just took two conference calls, did an interview, listened to a cut of my podcast, gave notes, and had a phone therapy session (not work-work, but work). And I’m driving. I overcompensate to cover up the fact that I don’t feel as fulfilled in other areas of my life. I tightly pack any spare time with projects and goals to be completed so as to not even have a moment to think about whatever deeper, darker, historical emotional patterns are buried under the surface. There’s nothing in my life I can think of that gives me more satisfaction than checking off an item on my many work-related to-do lists, and I get a high from the starting and finishing of things. Creating something from nothing is the most engaged and connected I feel to myself and the world and yeah, in turn that has slowly made me more and more isolated. All of this will bubble to the surface in due time and I’ll hopefully have an extra morning free before work to double up on therapy whenever it does, but I’m not trying to figure that out just yet. For someone who leans on their career as a crutch, any holdups or hiccups in production become clear and build up over time, affecting said crutch, and eventually have to be addressed. So, in an attempt to not work for three weeks (but still, clearly work throughout), I’ve started to conduct a self-review of some of my professional insecurities…for the future, when I get back to work. I’ve made a list (obviously).
Being the boss
I downplay the fact that I am the boss in my head, because, to be honest, it sometimes scares me. But being scared of something doesn’t make it untrue. I am the actual boss. I embody that without fail on game-days, but in the locker room before we go out onto the field (sports talk), I struggle with this. Ilana is more of an outward boss, she sets boundaries and confidently makes her expectations known. She loves it in the best way possible. I know though, that she has an elaborate set of insecurities about this too, as I have never met a woman, if they’re being honest, who doesn’t. I don’t think either of us needs a placard on our desks stating that we are the bosses (instead, we demand trumpeted announcements as we enter any room), but I’d love to get to a point where I can just focus on the duties involved in actually being the boss, and stop worrying about the potential think pieces questioning what it’s like to be a “female” boss, about what people think of me as the boss. It’s taken us a long time to be truly taken seriously, to be left to our own devices, creatively. But our gender is still almost always referred to before our job title.
Asking for things
I don’t love asking for things. I do, however, ask for things almost constantly. I’m very good at asking for things via email. I bullet point items, tasks, etc. My alter ego on email is forthright, clear, and to the point. I’m great at detached demands, but when it comes to in-person requests, I feel like I’m in a yoga studio, just trying to breathe through it all without farting. Not actually farting, but you know what I mean. In a yoga studio it’s so calm and peaceful and my main goal is usually just trying to not draw attention to myself in any way, like breathing too loud or making any sort of struggling noise. I suppose farting is always sort of in the back of my mind as a worst-case scenario. So, when I’m asking someone to give me more options, work on an assignment, grab me a coffee, or run an errand, in my mind, I’m spinning plates: Be respectful and kind, be clear with what you want, don’t be a diva about the coffee, act casual, keep breathing, DO NOT FART, give them money—do they have money already? Is it rude of me to tell them to buy themselves a cup of coffee too? It’s exhausting.
Telling people that something I asked for was not done correctly
There’s a quiet epidemic of women taking and absorbing the blame for other people’s mistakes, because of some inherent attribute deep inside us, constantly trying not to be difficult. I’ve had to learn to speak up and ask for what I want, specifically. And if it’s not done right, I don’t need to say, “Sorry, but…” Why am I apologizing? Asking for what you want and need (nicely) is not being an asshole, it’s part of the job. Whether it’s a revision on a script, the look of a set, or the right coffee order. It’s okay, and appropriate to insist things be done correctly.
Confidently saying no
Until recently, I’ve been afraid of saying no to things because for years, professional opportunities were few and far between, so I would say yes to almost anything. I’d take on every illustration project, or acting or voice-over job, even if I was working for fr
ee. I was so desperately seeking any chance to say yes, that saying no to a gig didn’t ever cross my mind. But in the last year, I have been learning how to confidently say no. No for me now is all about making room for more Yes. So, while it feels insane to decline an audition or even a rare project being offered to me, because I remember when I was yearning for anything, I’m maneuvering my way through this more thoughtful approach to what I take on. I’m getting older and I’m learning more about myself and now I can say for certain that, no, I don’t think a hair commercial on the beach in a bikini is right for me. No, I do not want to audition for that Woody Allen movie. No, I don’t want to be the unfunny best friend that’s one-fourth of an actual human being. I’ll pass on that. I go back and forth on things a lot, but it’s comforting to know I’ve nailed down most of my feelings toward bikinis.
Needing a second opinion
This one. I think this is the one women in the workplace are scared of. I know I am. Broad City is a very collaborative environment, and I trust everyone we’ve hired to work with us, so I naturally ask people’s opinions. But when you get a new job, a new assignment, or a promotion, the fear of not being good enough, of not knowing everything can seep in. In the last season of Broad City (4), I directed two episodes. This was a new experience for me, and one I took very seriously. But I found, during the process, that a big insecurity for me is the fear that if I need a second opinion, that means I don’t know what I’m doing. This is false, I do know what I’m doing, but it’s that vulnerability, that want for another set of eyes on my decision that can make me shaky. I ultimately made all the decisions I needed to—after using my resources aka asking questions—but in order to do that, I had to continually let go of this unease that someone from a dark, back corner would pop out, pointing directly at me, yelling about how I’m a fraud for asking for help while in charge. That I’d be plucked up by a huge claw and dropped outside on the sidewalk, banished from taking on this new role. This fear is mindless. Understandable, but stupid. Crews are a team. Any business is a team, and the whole point of having people do different jobs and be experts in their specific department is for them to help in any way they know how. The director isn’t there to bark out orders. They are the conductor bringing everyone’s talents together to execute their own artistic vision. Asking and bouncing ideas off people, and even changing your mind, is allowed. It’s so hard to ever show any sort of weakness, especially when you’re a woman at the top of the project, in a business you never thought you’d actually be able to break into. But going through all the possibilities and asking for help is not weak, it’s smart. I’m going to go ahead and dog-ear this paragraph so even I can come back and remind myself.
Celebrating and sharing my successes
I bought a house recently. I’m going to repeat that, I bought a house on my own, for myself, with money I worked very hard for. [Brief pause to jump up and down and pinch myself.] Even though I’m thrilled, I often find myself in situations where I feel guilt and shame surrounding this huge milestone in my life. I am really, truly proud of myself, but most of the time, I act like it’s a secret. Single women buying houses on their own wasn’t something I saw much of on TV or film growing up. That wasn’t something unmarried women ever aspired to. It was always getting married and having babies, then the husband would buy the house. For the most part, it still is. In 2011, I went out for a drink with my friend Bethany. We were celebrating the fact that I had just gotten back from LA and had sold Broad City. I was about to tell Bethany the whole story over drinks, and our excitement was palpable. We took two empty seats at the bar, and Bethany says to the bartender, “We’re celebrating!” Without a beat, the bartender looks at me and he says, “Congrats, you get engaged?!” I will never forget that. This was the biggest accomplishment thus far in my whole life, and I was kindly reminded that the default accomplishment for women is to get engaged. I love weddings, I love kids, and being a wife and mother are successes worth partying about. But come on, could you EVER imagine him saying that to two male friends that came into the bar to celebrate? It would have been assumed it was a professional accomplishment. I’m trying to navigate how much of this hesitancy to own these achievements is part of a social construct of gender, and how much is in my head. However often I feel shame about my successes, it’s clearly not enough to stop me from writing about them…IN MY VERY OWN BOOK!
I’m done being polite about this bullshit. My list of professional insecurities entirely stems from being a young woman. Big plot twist there! As much as I like to execute equality instead of discussing the blaring inequality, the latter is still necessary. Everything, everywhere, is still necessary. The more women who take on leadership positions, the more representation of women in power will affect and shift the deep-rooted misogyny of our culture—perhaps erasing a lot of these inherent and inward concerns. But whether a woman is a boss or not isn’t even what I’m talking about—I’m talking about when she is, because even when she manages to climb up to the top, there’s much more to do, much more to change. When a woman is in charge, there are still unspoken ideas, presumptions, and judgments being thrown up into the invisible, terribly lit air in any office or workplace. And I’m a white woman in a leadership position—I can only speak from my point of view. The challenges that women of color face in the workforce are even greater, the hurdles even higher, the pay gap even wider. The ingrained, unconscious bias is even stronger against them. It’s overwhelming to think about the amount of restructuring and realigning we have to do, mentally and physically, to create equality, but it starts with acknowledging the difference, the problem, over and over.
Most men don’t fear being difficult. They don’t immediately and constantly have to prove themselves. Success is not something to hide or be modest about for them. I bet not one man has ever worried that having an assistant would ever classify him as being a douchebag, although I’m sure I’ll get angry tweets (that I won’t read—GOTCHA!) stating otherwise, but I’m speaking in “for the most parts.” They are not worried what their successes will look like to the world, to their friends, to themselves. Men just do it, because they have been taught from before they could speak—sorry, before they were even an idea—that those things were theirs for the taking. That they are and should be in charge. But as people in charge, men don’t have to be anything more than mediocre. I’m not saying all men are mediocre in any way, in fact I happen to know numerous (six-to-seven) extraordinary men, but in a competitive work environment, show me the number of mediocre men succeeding, versus the zero number of mediocre women at the top. Mediocrity isn’t a part of the successful women’s handbook, but I’m sorry, boys, for you it is. Women have to push harder, jump farther, stay later, think better, shit faster, all while trying their best to maintain whatever society says today their body should look like, how they should parent, what they should wear, when they should find love, what’s inappropriate for them to do, say, be, feel, or fuck. The outward pressures are constant, but the inward congestion of doubts and insecurities are sometimes louder—women really can have it all!
SANTA FE, NM → KANAB, UT
DRIVE TIME: 8h 29min
ADULT CONCERNS
Duvet covers and how often to wash them
A sham? Throw pillows? Am I supposed to wash those things?
The entire political landscape
Climate change
Are we done for?
How to get equality
Racial equality
Gender equality
LGBTQIA equality
Candles? Are candles still in? I know for a while those smelly sticks were the new thing. I think also oils? Or wood sticks?
How to not only keep plants alive, but get them to thrive
Is there a point in time where I’m supposed to do things like a neti pot? Do I have to?
Whether I’ll ever be able to do a pull-up
Gun control
Health care
Police brutality
/> Sexual harassment
Sexual assault
Representation
People without homes or food
How many terrible things there are to be concerned about
How to be a decent human being
How to waste less, and reuse more
What is really happening when we recycle?
Garbage Island being real and floating in the middle of the ocean
Where I should be donating money
Where I should be volunteering
Who I should be paying attention to
Clean water crisis
Oil drilling on sacred land and national parks
How to best use my platform
My feelings toward social media and my constant want to get off it completely
I Might Regret This Page 11