by SM Reine
I couldn't look at the mess. My body curled up and huddled into Bryan's as if I could make myself small enough to disappear. He stroked my hair and rocked me gently.
A janitor in a denim uniform showed up with a push broom and a large, rubber garbage can. He waited off to the side quietly, unable to clear the mess away with us sitting in the middle of it.
Once the hall was mostly empty of students, Mr. Small crouched down and whispered something to Bryan.
I felt his head bob in a nod. "I'll take her home now." Bryan bent his mouth to my ear. "Let's get you out of here."
As Bryan helped me to my feet, I caught a pair of green eyes, blazing with molten hatred staring right at me, causing my body to jerk in shock. Cane Matthews stood across the hall. It was the first time I’d seen him since the funeral. His face appeared to have aged, gray smudges spread beneath his eyes and his jaw clenched tightly. He bent down and picked up a torn photograph of Lony that had been taken over the summer at cheerleading camp. His gaze softened slightly on the photo, but when he looked at me again, I felt a stab in my gut. The icy pain rolled off Cane so thickly the air felt like water, making my lungs heave for breath. I shivered uncontrollably.
Bryan relieved me of the broken backpack without a word, took my hand. “Ignore him. Come on.” He steered me toward the doors.
I felt Cane’s glare on my back the whole way down the hall and out the front doors.
Bryan offered to stay with me, but I made him go back to school. I spent the rest of the day in my pj's huddled in bed with the covers over my head.
The doorbell rang around 3:00, but neither my mother nor I made a move to answer it. Just after dark, I woke from a nap to someone knocking on my bedroom door.
"Can I come in?" Aaron's guff voice called from the hall outside.
I yanked the covers down from the tent I had made with my pillows to block out the harsh afternoon sunlight.
"Yeah,” I croaked. “Come in."
Aaron stepped into the room and glanced around. It had been a long time since he had been in my bedroom. My brother and I have never been very close. He was only fourteen months older, but he’d always held himself apart from us. I'm not sure if that was because we were girls or because he felt excluded by our twin-ness.
He didn't turn on the light, just wandered over and sat down by my feet.
"I heard what happened this morning."
"I don't know why I freaked out like that,” I groaned.
Aaron nodded in sympathy. In the light emanating from the hallway, I could see dark smudges under his lower lashes and hollowness in his cheeks. All at once I felt guilty for not being there more for him. I hadn't given much thought to the fact that he also lost a sister. My hand snaked out from beneath my peppermint-colored comforter and squeezed his. After a moment, he squeezed back.
"I would have warned you about the locker if I'd known you were going to go to school this morning. I couldn't look at it either."
"I shouldn't have flipped out like that. Lony had tons of friends. They have a right to mourn her the way they need to."
Aaron just bobbed his head and mashed his lips together.
"How are you, Aaron? Do you want to talk about it?"
He let out a whoosh of air. "Oh, I don't know, Cady. I imagine I'm feeling about like you are right now; sadness, anger —mostly at myself for not spending more time with her —with you both. And then this house... I’ve been kind of thinking about going to stay with Dad for a while."
“Have you told Mom yet?"
“Are you kidding?” He said with a raised eye brow, the metal bar through it glinting in the low light. “She's so doped up there’s no talking to her. I don't think she's taken a shower since the funeral. Besides, she probably wouldn’t even notice if I left."
I didn't know what to say. In the space of only a few weeks, our family as we knew it changed into something from a bad after-school special.
"I'd like to go see Dad tomorrow," I said. "Think you want to come with me?"
"Sure," he replied.
We lapsed into silence, nothing more to say. He clung to me with one hand and picked at the cuticle of his thumb with the other. Eventually, he stood up and shuffled toward the door.
Just before entering the hallway, Aaron turned back to me, his face framed in the backlight. "Think you want to try school again tomorrow?"
I shook my head. "I don't think I'm ready yet."
He nodded once in agreement. "Okay. I'll pick you up when I’m done and we can go to Dad's. Want the door closed?"
"Yeah."
Aaron left, pulling the door shut behind him. I flopped back onto my mattress. My down pillow had grown flat over the two weeks of near constant use. I yanked it out from beneath me to fluff it up. The phone started ringing. I checked the caller ID before answering. It was Bryan.
"So..." he hedged, "I’ve been sitting here for an hour debating with myself over whether I should call or not. If you don’t want to talk, that’s cool, but I at least need to know you are not sitting in the dark listening to Leonard Cohen music and contemplating banishing yourself to a European boarding school."
I grinned for the first time all day. It felt good.
"In the dark yes, but no Cohen.”
“And you’re not going to runaway to Switzerland, because right now, you are like the only friend I have here. Selfish, I know, but I am a teenager after all.”
“No Switzerland, I promise. It gets really cold there, and I don’t ski.”
We talked for a while about nothing. He never mentioned how my flip-out was talked about at school, but I'm sure even a boy with no friends would have heard the gossip bantered around. Before we hung up, I’d decided to work from home for the rest of the week and I’d start back to school fresh on Monday.
Chapter 10
The next morning, I woke early to the sound of tweeting cardinals. I peered through the binoculars and watched them flit from branch to branch around their nests. I kind of felt sorry for the females who appeared dull and brown compared to the royal red of their mates. I guess I knew what it was like to live in someone else’s glow. Emo, much?
I tossed the binoculars down on my window seat and stretched my arms up tall. I had to get out of the house. The sun was shining outside, and the constant throb of depression in my house was threatening to pull me under again. I showered, dressed and went out to the Honda Civic that I had shared with Lony. My Fallulah CD blared from the stereo, and I sung along off-key. I swung through a McDonald's drive through for a yogurt parfait before heading out to Dubuque County Animal Sanctuary, located on the north edge of town.
Dr. Kristy Fineman's face lit up when she saw me walk in the door. Bronwyn and I started volunteering at the shelter the summer after eighth grade. Last year, Dr. Kristy put us on the payroll. It was only ten hours a week at minimum wage, but I loved animals so much that I would’ve continued working for nothing.
"Cady!" The thin woman in a white doctor's coat rounded the corner of the reception desk to draw me into a big hug. Dr. Kristy and her husband, Mark, were both at the funeral, but I hadn’t seen them since. "It's so good to see you!"
"Don't squish my breakfast," I said snatching the paper bag out from between us. "Well, I think I can handle dogs better than my classmates today, so thought I'd come in for a few hours."
Dr. Kristy drew back and checked me over thoughtfully as if I were one of her patients. Faint crow’s feet lined the corners of her eyes; giving the impression her face was a perpetual smile.
"Well, I know Murphy will be glad to see you."
Murphy was a goofy Labrador with large floppy feet and one ear that stuck up in the air. Dr. Kristy’s brother owned him, but he traveled a lot for work, so he kennels Murphy here at the shelter frequently.
"I just want to eat my breakfast, and then I can take a group out for a walk."
"No problem," Dr. Kristy replied, patting my arm. "I have a few appointments this morning, and then Gina is going to
assist me on a couple neuters. Sarah will be here soon to watch the desk."
I carried my breakfast into the break room where I poured myself a cup of Columbian brew from the pot on the counter and ate. When I finished, I set out on my rounds of checking the cat cages. I filled food and water dishes, scooped the litter boxes and wiped down the interiors. The kitties wound themselves around my ankles rubbing their faces on my pant legs. I scratched each set of ears before depositing them back into their cages.
When I finished giving the cats some love, I walked out back to the dog kennels. A cacophony of excited barks and whines greeted my arrival. There were two long rows of high-fenced enclosures with metal roofs that rumbled like rocket engines when it rained. The shelter also had indoor kennels for overnights and two large paddocks where dogs could run and play in groups. I walked up and down the row greeting and petting the dogs I recognized and introducing myself to the new arrivals by letting them sniff my fist. Murphy spotted me approaching the enclosure where he lounged with a gray bulldog named Tank and Dr. Kristy’s terrier mutt called Lucy, who came to work with the doc every day. The happy lab leaped to his feet and stood on his hind legs, paws on the fence and tongue dangling happily from his mouth.
"Hey, Murph! How's my boy?" I said as I unlocked the gate and entered the enclosure. The three dogs swarmed around my legs yipping and doing the puppy two-step for attention. I petted each of them in turn, before fastening their leashes and leading them out to the trails behind the shelter.
Dr. Kristy and Mark had inherited the three hundred acre farm a few years back from some relative. Uninterested in farming, they leveled the dilapidated farm buildings, constructed the shelter and clinic, and created walking trails which twisted through the woods and over-grown pasture land.
The three dogs and I strolled along the dirt path, the noise of the forest humming around us. Tank strained at his leash, wanting to chase squirrels, and then pouted when I wouldn't let him loose. As we approached a rocky incline, I scooped up Lucy to carry her. It was then that I discovered something odd.
Running my hand along Lucy's velvet belly, I felt a buzzing coldness radiating out from her compact body. It made my palm prick and tingle. Something tickled in the back of my mind, something bad.
I set the dog down. She stared up at me with her pointed nose. She didn't appear different than she did any other day. Quickly wrapping Murphy’s and Tank's leashes around the branches of a low bush, I knelt down next to Lucy. My fingers trailed the markings of her brindled fur. Just under the ribcage on her right side I felt the hum vibrating strongest. Cold floated up from the spot, so that even with my hand six inches above it, my fingers quivered. Some instinct inside me was telling me the dog was in pain, which made no sense at all. Lucy appeared completely normal. When I touched the cold spot on her side there was something distinctly foreign about whatever was inside of her. That thought nagged at the base of my skull, and I grew anxious.
Cupping Lucy’s muzzle, I stared deep into her golden-brown eyes. They were as clear and bright as any other day, but I was convinced something was gravely wrong. I scooped Lucy up in my arms, yanked the other two leashes free from the bush and rushed the pack back to the clinic.
My chest was huffing and sweat dampened my body by the time I made it to the yard. I'd run most of the way, only slowing enough to accommodate Tank's short stride.
My fingers fumbled with the kennel keys, but the lock clicked open easily. I rushed Tank and Murphy inside, not stopping to remove the leashes from their collars. With Lucy still in my arms, I hurried to find Dr. Kristy.
The doctor had changed into her surgery scrubs and stood in her office going over charts with her assistant, Gina. Their faces shot up in surprise when I bounded into the room holding Lucy out toward them.
"What is it, Cady?" Dr. Kristy asked, her brow heightened in surprise. "Is something wrong?"
I nodded and set Lucy down on her desk. "Feel...her..." I huffed, trying to catch my breath. "Here." I took the doctor's cool hand and placed it on the vibrating spot on the dog's chest. "Do you feel it?"
"Feel what?" she asked. Both doctor and dog stared at me like I was nuts.
"There’s something there. In her chest," I insisted. "Right here!"
Dr. Kristy patted Lucy down, checking her bones, palpitating her organs. "I don't feel anything."
"That's because it's under the rib cage," I explained. "On her lung."
Dr. Kristy exchanged a glance with Gina, who stepped forward and began feeling around also.
"I don't feel anything, either," Gina confirmed.
"Please!" I insisted. "You have to believe me! Something’s in there and it's bad!"
I started pacing in circles, trying to find a way for them to understand. The truth was I didn't know myself how I knew Lucy had a lung problem —I just did. I was as sure of it as I was my own name.
"Cady, maybe you should sit down," Dr. Kristy said in a calm, compassionate voice that agitated my fragile nerves.
"Don't do that!" I pleaded. "Don't patronize me! Don't talk to me like I'm losing it. You know how much I love these animals, right? Do you think I would lie to you? Would I make up something that could be harmful to Lucy?"
Both the doctor and Gina shook their heads.
"Just take some x-rays and look. It doesn't hurt to look."
Dr. Kristy thought about it for a moment before replying, "Okay. I'll take a look. Gina, can you help me check Lucy out?”
I knew she was only doing it to humor me, to appease the grieving girl, but I didn't care. I knew deep down in my gut that there was something in Lucy that shouldn't be there.
The doctor picked the jolly terrier up off the desk. "Cady, you can go back to work. I'll come get you as soon as I finish with Lucy."
I reluctantly returned to the kennel to remove the leashes from Tank and Murphy. In the few minutes that I'd been gone, Tank had managed to drag his through his water bowl, soaking it.
"It's okay, boys," I whispered, patting them both on their sides. "Lucy's going to be okay. Dr. Kristy's on the case."
I tried to busy myself filling water dishes and sweeping out kennels, but my heart wasn’t in it. I wanted to know what was wrong with Lucy. My head snapped up when the clinic door opened. Gina was waving at me.
"Come ‘ere," she called before turning back inside. I dropped the broom to the ground and rushed in to find her and the doctor examining black and white scans against a backlight on the wall.
Dr. Kristy's lips were tight, and a deep line formed between her pencil-thin brows. She cast me an odd glance at my entrance.
"Cady, come look at this," she said, pointing to the picture with the end of a pen.
I stepped forward to see the skeletal outline of Lucy’s torso. The white ribs curved gracefully, protecting the precious cargo within. Even with my un-trained eyes, the white blurry mass in the lower-right lung was obvious. Dr. Kristy's head shook from side to side as if she were having an internal debate and losing.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Some kind of tumor," she answered. Her voice was distracted. After a silent moment, she turned and looked at me with puzzlement. "How did you know Lucy had a tumor on her lung? I didn't notice any symptoms."
My cheeks reddened, and I stared at her blankly. "I don't know. I guess I just...felt it."
"How did you feel it? The mass is beneath the ribs. It’s not detectible from her exterior."
My mouth dropped open dumbly. How could I tell her about the buzzing, about the coldness and the vibrations that apparently only I could feel?
"Gina, can you give us a moment?" the doctor asked, then gestured for me to sit.
Once we were alone, Dr. Kristy slipped her glasses off and gave me that serious expression that adults give when they are trying to get you to level with them.
"I'm just trying to get a better understanding, because without your detection, Lucy might be in serious jeopardy. She still might be, but because of you, at least I know to
go in and remove the mass. Cady, can you tell me what exactly you felt?"
Dr. Kristy was the adult I trusted most, even more than my parents sometimes.
"I'm not trying to be difficult, honest. It's just hard for me to describe."
"Can you try?"
I nodded and began to tell her exactly what happened from the time I set off down the trail with the dogs to when I realized something was wrong with Lucy.
"It was like this cold glow that vibrated off of the spot. The feeling would get stronger, more concentrated, the closer my hand got to the bottom of her right lung. Then, some —instinct, maybe? —told me that there was something in her that shouldn't be there. I just knew."
The doctor gazed at me thoughtfully, her head bobbing slowly as she took in my words.
"Has this ever happened before?" she asked.
I shook my head. "No. Never. It was weird."
She sighed. "Well, I need to go help Gina prep for surgery. We have to wait until tomorrow for Lucy, since she’s eaten today. I don’t know how you did it, but thank you."
Dr. Kristy gathered her things and left the office. I sat there chewing my thumb nail down to the quick.
Chapter 11
After leaving the shelter, I called my dad to see if Aaron and I could stop by, but there was some sort of crisis on one of his job sites that would keep him working until well into the night. I could tell he felt bad putting me off. We hadn’t spent much time together since the funeral. I suspected he was using work as a distraction from dwelling on his loss. I guess we all cope in our own way. I sent Aaron a text to cancel our plans.