49
I mean, as long as I keep them on.
50
I could absolutely pick it out if given a multiple choice quiz.
51
Why do all the boys in my class think being a gymnast is so hot? What’s so erotic about a balance beam?
52
Wait, did he just touch my butt? And did I like it?
53
I suspect it’s because I’m a terrible singer. Sigh.
54
Or, for that matter, bending.
55
It’s the Paris of Indiana.
56
Yet I stand by my decision not to feature the soil judging competition.
57
By the way? Last I heard Kari was doing nails for a living in a little shop down by the jail. Who’s laughing now?
58
My favorite one reads “My mother thinks I’m at the movies.” Although, unfortunately, I probably am at the movies.
59
Hi! My name is Jennifer! I speak French! I like your shoes! I’m going to France! Maybe I will buy your shoes!
60
Kahlua or other coffee-flavored brandy and cream. Yum. I will have these again.
61
For now, she hopes!
62
Las Vegas Tourism Board, you totally owe me.
63
And false bravado.
64
The Methodist church I went to used to be pretty clear on the notion of loving and accepting everyone. Their Jesus would totally have gay friends. The Baptists? Maybe not so much.
65
Even now, almost twenty-five years later, it remains one of the greatest nights of my life.
66
So. Very. Grounded.
67
Dad said I had a choice of Purdue or IU.
68
And really, what’s more Roman than salty white bread dipped in nacho cheese?
69
In my day, we didn’t have Internet memes! We had paper quizzes! And we answered them in longhand! Uphill! In the snow!
70
Wham, naturally.
71
Facts of Life. I so want to be Blair Warner. Were Gossip Girl around at this time, I’d have wanted to be Blair Waldorf.
72
Late that night, my brother locked my friend Mary and me in his room. He said nothing good happens in a fraternity house after three a.m. But from the sounds of the party in the hallway, he was all wrong.
73
It’s called outsourcing and American businesses should totally look into it.
74
Well, maybe. I mean, dude, the seventies are over.
75
Yet she wonders why I’m a smart-ass.
76
If it weren’t weird to do so, I mean.
77
And thrusts them up so high I could rest my cheek on them.
78
And my boobs in my ears.
79
We’ve had more DUIs than acceptances to Notre Dame.
80
I blame all of tonight’s accidental teen pregnancies on the juniors, too.
81
Above the fold!
82
Also, every time I get a high mark on a composition, she sends it to them. I imagine they’re a bit tired of reading my English homework, too.
83
Despite her penchant for frosty white eyeliner.
84
P.S. No, I don’t care to be your pen pal.
85
Not sure what “ancestry” we’re celebrating—our town’s unofficial fondness for racism? Having the highest rate of cardiovascular disease in the state?
86
Try and guess who’s in the lead car. Hint: not me.
87
Lie. I’m more like 135-140.
88
Lie. I’m more like five feet seven.
89
Lie. She enjoys reading a book by the pool and eating candy.
90
This is a trend I embrace for almost the next twenty years.
91
This is a trend they embrace for almost the next twenty years.
92
Mandatory due to a city noise violation.
93
As for Jimmy . . . three days after he dropped me off at campus, I called him and said, “Um, yeah, I’m a little sister at a fraternity now and we won’t be dating anymore.” What could I say? Seventeen’s synonymous with fickle. Jimmy was furious and gave me the choice of dating him or dating other people. I chose other people and we never talked after that. I heard through the grapevine that he started dating a very pretty, complacent blond girl who was still in high school. They started d-o-i-n-g it days af ter they went out for the first time and she totally let him boss her around. As a result, she wasn’t able to stop him when he started experimenting with drugs. She didn’t fight back when he slapped her around. She did nothing when he began to break into people’s houses, stealing their electronics so he could fund his habit. And she was shocked when he was finally sent to prison for robbing a home with a sawed-off shotgun. Oh, Jimmy. That’s why you never choose a Marilyn.
94
Also, silk flowers? No.
95
nd what’s wrong with my jean jacket? It was a huge hit when I went to Europe.
96
I didn’t know how to spell this, so I Googled “Irish stick for hitting.”
97
If those letters automatically up my perceived level of hotness? All the better.
98
But what do I know? I’m just a freshman hoping to become a notoriously flighty pledge.
99
Aside from making yourself more likely to get burned up in a fire.
100
Delicious! I ate every bite.
101
Plus it looks great with my jean jacket.
102
Sidebar? His fraternity got banned from booking dances in hotels in a two-hundred-mile radius because each place they visited had to drain the pool due to high counts of urine (and pool furniture). At their last event, my friends tore the beds off the wall and tossed a phone through a plate-glass window. How could this possibly be considered a lesser house??
103
Except I probably wouldn’t.
104
Leather inside a purse? Whoa.
105
Prada bags. And then I will carry them to the unemployment office. But that’s a whole ’nother story.
106
Why do so many people assume dressing room = restroom?
107
Yes, plural.
108
By being leisurely, I guess.
109
More important, this is not where we hide all the good stuff. Please, everyone, stop perpetuating that myth.
110
And begging.
111
Now they’re called “new members.” Ah, the end of an era.
112
Simulating sticks and asses.
113
Greek term meaning “Prank the members and then pack up all your shit and go drink grain alcohol punch on another campus for the weekend.”
114
Purdue’s big spring go-kart race-party weekend. Way less dumb than it sounds.
115
In the name of sisterhood, of course.
116
That’s what she said.
117
See: Week, Hell.
118
Getting to live by the muffin shop is an extra bonus.
119
I hooked up, just not with her.
120
Named for the long-defunct hearth that still dirties pants and coats.
121
I’d say I stole the look from Amy Winehouse, but she was eight at the time.
122
On the plus side, no one’s heard of the Internet yet so n
o worries of photos showing up on Ted’s Facebook page.
123
Not sure her grades are so great, though.
124
Discussing how I barfed on my date at the Screw-Your-Sister mixer does not constitute “interesting conversation”.
125
Even though I’m already a member, the best house would have to vote on me if I wanted to live in their house.
126
Granted, she looks really good for her age. But come on—seeing your mom in terry-cloth, Three’s Company-style booty shorts is just wrong.
127
I still blame ponchos for my fear of motion. Acoustic guitars, too.
128
Of course he was in a fraternity. President and founder of his chapter!
129
A boyfriend is the deciding factor between “compassionate about animals” and “crazy cat lady.”
130
Guess which one I eventually choose?
131
Deeply, profoundly.
132
I brought a calculator just in case.
133
Shut up, I can be affable. I can be anything for $24,000.
134
I agree that no one wants to eat blue food. But blue condiments? Genius!
135
That douche cost me about $80!
136
Much to the cats’ chagrin.
137
It’s not that I don’t care how my customers’ day has gone. It’s just that I don’t want to hear about it. Okay, that’s a lie. I truly don’t care.
138
At all.
139
His George Michael phase rocked.
140
Taking advanced French, philosophy, and three upper-level poli-sci courses, you assholes.
141
Lip liner.
142
And it’s also why I begin to twitch every time I see a cap and gown.
143
Flavored cream cheese?! Are we living in the age of miracles or what?
144
Walkmen?
145
Read panic.
146
Later I find out she was on to me the whole time, which explains why she narrated the entire process. Bless you, Stephanie.
147
Unless they’re too chickenshit to come into work, in which case they don’t call him anything. Yeah, I’m apparently still mad about that.
148
By the way? Bullshit. The company lays more than a quarter of its workforce off within the next two months. And I was right—my department isn’t touched.
149
Read desperate.
150
My guess is no.
151
Read desperate.
152
After getting the flu seven goddamned times last year, I finally smartened up.
153
Why don’t any of you bastards pay for people to shovel past the sidewalk?
154
Second shelf, second unit.
155
The sharing is called “hotel-ing.” I call it “company is too cheap to spring for another half floor in our office building.”
156
Read eliminate.
157
It’s so gas efficient that I actually make money on my mileage. That’s why I’m able to buy groceries.
158
Who aren’t Gordon Gekko?
159
If we’d been on the bridge one more second, I’d have frozen in place, like Jack Nicholson at the end of The Shining. Yes, I want to live life like it’s a movie, but not that movie.
160
Cheap conditioner.
161
If I live in one of the biggest cities in the world, how come I have to drive out of town to do anything fun?
162
Or get that haircut.
163
Great, now I’m obligated to work with orphans.
164
No worries, everything arrives the next day.
165
How fucking hard is it to find a forty-story pyramid?
166
Egyptian?
167
I’m soaking in it!
168
Pressure, density, temperature, and vertical component of magnetism. Thank you, Dino Kraspedon, for explaining it all so neatly.
169
To be fair, I am up seven dollars.
170
Pun intended.
171
I should get a life!
172
Which I thought was problematic until I learned what problematic really looked like.
173
I prefer my bubbles in a glass where I can control them, thanks.
174
I’m totally open to it, though.
175
Meaning they hate men but want to have sex with them.
176
Although I’m still in pink puffy heart love with how Muffy Tepperman dressed. Argyle socks and saddle shoes! Swoon!
177
Note I said “I wonder if,” not “I know.” No need to murder me John Grisham-style, thanks.
178
Read compensates.
179
Though she might b-a-n-g opposing council in a broom closet afterward. Again, this is where we differ.
180
I can hear Fletch watching military programming through the bedroom door on Sunday nights. That totally counts as training.
181
Heh. I could call it my sock compartment.
182
That is, if I wore jeans anymore.
183
Mr. Big’s best trait!
184
Yeah, we didn’t let him in.
185
Stoli up, dry, twist of lemon and God have mercy on you if you don’t shake it long enough.
186
Not his real name. But it should be.
187
I wonder if Mr. Big would whiz on a knob for Carrie? Doubtful.
188
BTW, whoever came up with pink drinks? Is genius.
189
There’s nothing more appealing than a good suit on a man. Fletch’s making money now and he’s been shopping at Brooks Brothers. He looks amazing.
190
E.g., driving to fucking Knoxville.
191
Big is the new black?
192
Yes, I spent $2,000 to go to Mexico specifically so I could cook my own meals.
193
Do I even need to mention this week has been a long one? I’ve pretty much worn all the skin off my finger.
194
Crocs—isn’t that an awesome nickname for a pair of shoes?
195
Fake.
196
Even though I’m not sure how I’d mesh the whole Irish whiskey-driving home conundrum. My mom isn’t driving three hours to get me.
197
Read be screamed at about.
198
Someday he’ll see the irony here.
199
Also, there’s snow outside and I don’t want to get my shoes wet.
200
Because felony kidnapping? Is a total laugh riot.
201
He also told me I made lousy coffee and could therefore not be his secretary, either. I’m thinking he just doesn’t know what coffee without spit in it tastes like.
202
I don’t advocate his behavior. But I do advocate calm, rational customers.
203
My brother is still a jerk, though.
204
Please feel free to buy all these books if you’d like the complete story.
205
Chicago—Come for the shopping; stay for the vehicular manslaughter.
206
Although I’m tempted to beg him to never let the less-talented kids on Am
erican Idol sing his songs ever again. I’ve yet to recover from Kevin Covais’s version of “Part-Time Lover.”
207
Thank you, Barbie.
208
I am the fail whale of diet-book-tour healthy eating.
209
Later in Dallas I eat three cupcakes and have half a bottle of wine and then throw up in the wet bar’s sink. I believe this is the universe’s way of telling me how not to eat on a diet-book tour.
210
I didn’t know what it meant. Note: if you’re curious, do not search images. That’s something you can’t un-see.
211
Who has seen David Bowie naked!
212
If Bridget Jones didn’t change her life, too, we might not be able to be friends.
213
A sandwich consisting of a Twinkie and Ding Dong. It’s a beautiful thing.
214
Which you’re totally reading right now!
Table of Contents
Title Page
Copyright Page
Dedication
Part One - The Seventies
Sock Lobster - (Navy Knee-Highs)
You Say Extortion Like It’s a Bad Thing - (Green Dotted Swiss Dress)
How About a Nice Hawaiian Punch? - (Girl Scout Uniform)
The Green Badge of Courage - (Kelly Green Speedo Tank Suit)
Miss New Jersey Has Everything - (Brown Tasseled Clogs)
A Series of Unfortunate (Pant) Events - (Bloomingdale’s Underwear)
Part Two - The Eighties
Take a Picture, It Lasts Longer - (Jordache Jeans, Part One)
Plan B - (Jordache Jeans, Part Two)
Gay Paree - (Jordache Jeans, Part Three)
Clipped Wings - (Pfft, Who Cares Because I May as Well Be in Prison Stripes)
Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Singing a Billy Ocean Song - (White Satin Gown)
They’re Quite Aware of What They’re Going Through - (Bass Weejun Penny Loafers)
Dying to Belong - (Gucci Bag)
Which Is an Entirely Different Chapter - (Not Even My Yellow Argyle Sweater)
Absolute Power? Absolutely! - (Gold Lavaliere, Part One)
First She Was a Seed and Then She Was Trouble - (Gold Lavaliere, Part Two)
Dénouement - (Gold Lavaliere, Part Three)
Part Three - The Nineties
We Need a Montage - (A Variety of Stained Aprons)
You Sank My Battleship - (Navy Suit, Part One)
Just the Fax, Ma’am - (Navy Suit, Part Two)
Brass Something, Anyway - (Navy Suit, Part Three)
Worst Movie Ever - (Canvas Book Bag)
Pretty (Average) Woman - (Utilitarian Snow Boots)
My Kind of Town - (Cubs Bucket Hat)
Carrie Bradshaw Made Me Do It - (Not Manolos—But Close)
She Gets a Long Letter, Sends Back a Postcard (Times Are Hard) - (Silver ...
The End of the Beginning - (Crocodile-Skin Pumps)
Epilogue
Acknowledgements
Pretty in Plaid: A Life, A Witch, and a Wardrobe Page 27