“What do you want me to say?”
Her cold tone hurt. Not taking his eyes from hers, he said, “Damn, I care for you. Can’t ya see how tore up I am? I done wrong by you, but we had somethin’ special and more good times than bad. Didn’t we, Han?”
She didn’t answer at first, but when she did her voice sounded pained. “I cherish those good memories, but they’re long over.”
“So, you’re saying you can’t forgive.”
She thought about that a moment. While she’d never forget all that had transpired between them, it had led her to where she was today and she didn’t regret that. “No, but, I don’t want to go backwards either.” She stood. She seemed as elusive as mist and he felt awkward.
He stood too. “But, surely we had good times? If you come home again we—”
“Both want different things and you are married to Mama.”
She stilled him with her feather touch. Her beautiful jeweled eyes reflected everything he wanted, yet sensed he might never have again. They gazed at one another warily, remembering, maybe distrustful, maybe grieving for what had been lost or was never meant to be.
It was easier to spar with her. “I saw where you’re working now. In some dago juice joint in the bad side of town, performing for all kinds of trash. Tony’s is it?”
She advanced on him militantly. “You didn’t ruin things for me?”
“I didn’t ruin nothin’”, he said, looming above her. “Just spoke to some lady, told her I was in town, that I’m family.” It took all the control he could muster to remain still.
“Bee’s Knee’s, great,” she said, rubbing her hands together as if they were cold, moving like a caged raccoon.
He didn’t even know how long she would keep glaring at him, but what he did know, sure as shooting was that the attraction he felt towards her was every bit as powerful as it ever was and it scared him. He’d thought he could remain detached. Do the right thing. But, the truth was he didn’t think he could. He wanted her so bad it hurt. He was weak, despicable, but rather then give in to the beast inside, he kept his tone icy. “Do you always go out dressed so indecent with your knees showing like that?”
She drew herself up, tensed. “It’s the fashion and decent isn’t a word you of all folks should be using. If you don’t like it, you shouldn’t have come here.”
He gave an indignant snort. “I’m partly responsible fer you being here. I’m leavin’ tomorrow or the next day at the latest with or without you.”
She gave a humorless laugh. “Good, it will be without me.”
He sighed, a long deep sound. “Don’t think I can’t blow the whistle on this whole set-up of yours. I can cause enough trouble you’ll lose your job like that.” He snapped his fingers.
Her voice was soft. “I have a whistle to blow of my own, like you raping me when I was only fourteen.” She paused, struggling for calm. “Hell, if you betray me again, I’ll never ever forgive you, Ray.”
“Come home and I won’t say nothin’ to no one.”
She was quiet. Probably wondering if he’d do what he threatened to do. He wanted to reach for her, tell her he loved her that he needed her to come back for her own good, for his.
Her voice was shaky when she finally spoke. “Why can’t you get it through your thick head that I’m exactly where I want to be? That it’s ridiculous for you to even think of yourself as my Pa, let alone me ever going home again. Please, Ray. We both know that it’s too late for that. Please accept that I am a grown woman with my own life, my own will and my own mind. If you ever truly cared for me at all, you’d leave while I still have love left in my heart for you.”
The wariness in her eyes when she looked at him felt devastating. His heart, already vulnerable from the shock of seeing her felt like it was shattering into a million pieces. He heard himself pleading. “The farm is doing good and I’m selling and breeding horses besides. Not a big set-up, but good for pocket change. I need you, Hannah.”
The poignant sadness in her eyes mirrored the weight of his burdened soul.
“I care for you, Ray and always will despite all that has happened between us, but I can’t—won’t go back there. “Please Ray, don’t even try to talk me into it.”
Her plea hit its mark. Sadness and defeat enveloped him, along with the knowledge that it would probably serve no real purpose to force her to come home. If he tried, she’d truly hate him and probably would run away again. To more dangers. Different dangers.
To find her again just to lose her, hurt. He’d hoped she’d want to return. He’d prayed an apology would be enough. His hands were trembling and his damned emotions were like boiling water. He wanted to tell her that he couldn’t bear…that he wanted her with him…that her mother was nothing more to him than a business partner, a friend. That his life lacked laughter and joy. He wanted to yell, to rail, to howl. Instead, he acknowledged her request with a strained sigh. He wasn’t sure who was more surprised when his eyes filled up.
A man never cried. Shamed, he looked away from her. He wiped the tears away with the back of his hand. “I’ll go since that’s what you want. Leave you to your fate. I’m sorry I even came.” He bolted towards the door.
“Ray, wait.” He paused. Finally, Hannah was looking at him without anger. She came to him and stood close, her beautiful eyes pearling with moisture. To his amazement, in them he glimpsed caring, gratitude and maybe even something more. She put her hand on his arm gentle as a mosquito’s touch. “Thanks, Ray. Thanks for caring enough to find me. I do…did love and appreciate you. You made my life bearable and fun when you came into it—until the end, and I am grateful.”
Sucking in a deep breath, wanting to encircle her, wanting to do the right thing, but wanting, he backed away. “Thanks for that but I reckon, it’s time I get.”
She looked sad and hesitant and her next words stunned him. “Maybe…you came all this way and…I have tomorrow off. I find myself wishing we had more time to talk. Who knows when we will see one another again and it has been so long already. If…if you can stay another day longer, maybe I can show you around some…that is, if you want to?”
His mind raced with all the reasons why he shouldn’t stay; the work waiting at home for him, his broken heart, Em. His capitulation surprised even him. “I reckon staying one more day can’t hurt none.”
Hannah’s eyes remained solemn as she watched him open the door. They made plans to meet again the next afternoon.
His conscience troubled him, but he couldn’t regret agreeing to leave without her, or stay one more day. He’d never forget her and he knew he’d never feel the same about any other female. He hoped he was man enough to live up to the choices he’d made. Lord knew he had his regrets and always would for the damage he’d caused, but what was decided was final and right. Seeing Hannah had confirmed it. At best, he’d come to make amends for the past and if he was successful at all, he’d leave with her forgiveness. And, that would have to be enough. Enough to last him a lifetime.
Laughing, Hannah caught Ray’s hand and hurried ahead of him. There was so much she wanted to share and tell him. And so much she didn’t want him to ever know.
Ray. Handsome still, all rangy angles and rugged lines, wavy brown hair with auburn highlights still worn too long, his boots dusty and familiar as his Levis and flannel shirts. He’d come all this way to find her. And with his hard green eyes on her, she felt apprehensive, but joyful too for she mattered and she’d missed him too.
It was such an odd triangle, Ray, Mama, her, but relationships and people were complicated. The breeze was gentle, the sky blue and the air was cool, crisp and scented with honeysuckle. The sun was shining warm upon her. The telephone was ringing. The telephone?
Reason prevailed as head pounding she reached, flailing about, anything to stop that dreadful noise. She was shocked to find herself dreaming, relieved to see she was alone. “Hello. Hello.” Her voice sounded groggy even to her own ears.
“Hello, s
leepyhead,” sang Meg too cheerful for this early in the morning. Hannah’s mind was still reeling, disbelieving that Ray had found her, that she’d actually convinced him to go and then had encouraged him to stay.
Meg’s voice startled her out of her reverie. “It’s almost noon. We’re going shopping today, aren’t we?”
“Oh,” she moaned. “I completely forgot, Meggie. Can I take a rain check, please?” She hated to disappoint Meg, but was exhausted; drained from last evening’s events and she still had to meet Ray in three hours. “Something unexpected came up last night, a problem I need to deal with.” She wondered how he’d feel hearing himself described as a problem.
“You okay, Han?” asked Meg, probably wondering about the pause.
“Sure, kiddo, the Bee’s Knee’s. I didn’t get much sleep last night.” She apologized again bursting to tell Meg everything; about Michael and Emily and about Ray, but didn’t dare. She didn’t know what or how she felt and needed time to sort it all out. For sure, hearing Ray had come might have Meg running over with a baseball bat. “I’ll get hold of you tomorrow.”
“Han. I might…I’m…oh nothing,” said Meg.
“What were you going to say?”
Meg insisted it wasn’t important. “Call me tomorrow, okay?”
Hannah hung up feeling guilty. Meg sounded disappointed but how could she explain what she barely understood herself? Her emotions were in a tangle, her stomach tied up in knots. She’d been both terrified and furious when Ray showed up and insisted she come home with him, threatening her very livelihood. Seeing Ray had stirred a pot she’d thought long ago boiled. And, even though he’d hurt her, shattering her childish illusions about love, she’d been moved by the way he’d humbled himself, admitting how much he’d suffered and cared and regretted. He’d even cried. If she were honest with herself, she wasn’t without fault. She’d sensed his conflict and had done whatever she could to provoke him. That she’d sown the response she got had been terrible and wrong, but she realized the rape had cost both of them. She believed he truly regretted what he’d done. And, that he still cared deeply about her.
That afternoon she met him with trepidation but also anticipation. She showed him where The Jefferson used to be, now the middle of a huge city renovation project that had the streets being widened for future traffic growth. She showed him West Bottoms and where she liked to shop and listen to music. When she’d insisted on paying for supper, Ray put up quite a fuss. For a female to foot the bill seemed to question the very masculinity of a man, but when he saw how important it was to her to feel independent, he gave in, grumbling about wayward woman and the end of the world.
She’d giggled, calling him an old fuddy-duddy. And when they passed a gilded nickelodeon she confessed. “Ever since Abilene, I can’t resist them.”
Studying her like she was an Egyptian tomb full of mystery, he handed her two nickels like old times. “It’s nice some things didn’t change.”
She remembered the other good times they’d shared. How bearable he’d made her lonely life. Feeling a little like a kid again she dropped the coins in the slot. When she was done she was surprised to see him holding out her favorite treat, a double decked, vanilla ice cream cone, smothered in chocolate jimmies. Just like Abilene. Smiling and touched beyond measure that he remembered, she took it with an enthusiasm that wasn’t fake. “We have good memories, don’t we, Ray?”
He agreed, pleased that she said so. “Do you remember I told you that a city is a city, but you can’t buy the beauty of a country sunrise far as I’m concerned?”
“Yes.” She reminded him that he’d been right predicting she had the makings of a genuine city slicker. “I still don’t understand how you can prefer grass, fields, fence and cows to towns full of interesting things and people.”
“I reckon that’s why there’s chocolate and vanilla.”
She gave him a quick buss on the cheek like she used to and felt right doing it.
He fumbled for his smokes. “Only one left.” Then, “Damn, what did you do that for?”
“Because I’d forgotten how you always listened and treated me like I mattered.”
“Not always,” he said, lighting his cigarette. His hands were noticeably shaking. Noticing her noticing, he declared it was time he got her home and hailed a cab for them.
He walked her to her door fully prepared to leave, yet his heart felt torn in two. He forced himself to face her. He told her he planned to catch the early train back. “What about your roommate? Ain’t she ever here?”
Looking sheepish, she admitted her roommate just got married. “I’m sorry I lied. When you showed up, I didn’t know what to do. Today, I realized that you are a part of my life and that we have both suffered. And, I missed you, Ray. We have more good memories than bad and I am glad we had this chance.” He was a handsome man. A simple man. Someone she could always talk to easily. She’d enjoyed spending the day with him.
He smiled. “Hell, there wasn’t an hour in a day I didn’t think about you.”
She said it without thinking, the thought of him leaving for good, upsetting her. “Stay.”
“I don’t reckon that’s such a good idea, Han.”
They stared at one another, neither one sure of what to say next. Neither wanting to be the first to say goodbye and then somehow she was in his arms.
Need. It had dogged him day and night since she’d gone. He gripped her by the shoulders, holding himself apart. His lips begged to ravage hers, his contrary fingers itched to take on a life of their own, tease her hair, touch her silky skin. He smelled her feminine scent, felt her breasts and her heartbeat. And felt his own erection jutting against his trousers like a prod. He forced himself to pull away from her. “What I should do is git while I still have a lick of sense.”
She stared straight into his eyes. “I don’t want you to leave me yet.” There was no longer fear, just truth and maybe an invitation. With a smile she eyed his desire and boldly jumped right back into his arms. “Aw, who cares about good sense?”
He struggled to remember all the moral reasons why he shouldn’t, but she was too close and it felt too good being near her. He hugged her tight. Hell, he was only a man. A mere mortal. He was too weak to think about anything but Hannah right here, right now, offering him all he’d ever craved. Salvation, heaven and he wanted the good memories as much as she did.
When she tried to lead him to her bedroom, he surprised himself with his control and balked. “Are you sure that is what you want, Hannah-girl?”
“Yes,” she said, without hesitation.
He let her take the lead. Slowly unbuttoning his shirt, her hands roamed his chest. He told himself he wanted her ready for him when he took her, no frightened little girl this time. Surprising, she gave as good as she got, spearing him with soft whispers as she took his earlobe between her teeth, nibbling it, gently tracing his ear with her tongue.
His breath caught at her brazen assault. He understood her need to be in charge. Prepared to suffer unmercifully for this special moment, a gift, he prayed silently, though he knew to invoke the Lord now was nothing short of blasphemy. He was fevered, on fire, about to explode—implode.
Trailing her fingers against his chest, she smiled, obviously enjoying her affect on him. He was unable to control his muscles from quivering. His mind went hazy when her hand slipped low, too low. With an earthy chuckle and fumbling haste, she tugged on the buttons of his trousers.
“Ah, you’re killing me.” He grabbed her hand, unable to remain passive any longer. “Lord knows, I ain’t a patient man. I’m at the end of my tether here.”
She giggled, helping him undress her, wiggling as he inched his tongue down the slender column of her neck. He noticed she’d become more woman than girl and pushed her top off to her waist, trying to learn her body with his hands without devouring her first as he wanted to do. As it was a man’s right and privilege to do. Still, he urged himself to savor and be gentle.
; He tasted each rosy pink nipple until it puckered. He swallowed each tiny sound she made, growing harder than he ever remembered being. “You’re gonna bust the seams of my trousers in two.”
“We’ll drink to that later.” She said, laughing as she pulled him on top of her, tickling and touching him everywhere as her confidence returned and her fear dissolved. Hannah. Always a creature of the moment, she was never more his until now. She was a nymph from a dream long ago, now old enough and in control of him, knowing it and holding nothing back.
Somehow they got to the bed and he was pushing his hands under her dress, eager for it to disappear so he might have her. She was a prize, a golden enchantress, a gift and a reward he didn’t deserve. Wrong or right, he’d always loved her. He’d never forget this night or her. Would she flee? Tell him to stop? Cry? He prayed not.
To his vast relief, there was only trust in her eyes. Gasping and grasping, her breathing rapid and raw with excitement she wiggled out of her chemise, urging him on. Touching her he dimly registered the flatness of her belly, the distinct curves of her hips, her taut skin, her unique floral fragrance, like rose petals and her desire—for him.
Face flushed, lips parted, she lay with her hair fanned out around her, eyes glazed with excitement. Holding himself rigid over her, he spread her for his pleasure, slid his fingers through the pure curled hairs that parted to reveal molten gold, liquid joy.
Ray thrilled as she arched each time he touched her. He tried not to think about who’d been there since, as eager as she for surcease from the torture of the past. His imprisoned flesh finally sprung, he knew a moment of ecstasy so great if he’d died right then and there; he’d have gone a happy man. It was even better, truly heavenly and all rational thoughts fled as they each found their pleasure, giving one another what each needed most in that moment; comfort, healing and finally, most importantly, forgiveness.
The Songbird with Sapphire Eyes Page 14