Roadwarrior

by Nick Molloy

  However, few women suspect that the strippers performing before them will also ply their trade in gay clubs. Why then the accusations that we must all be gay ?

  Perhaps it is borne out of their own insecurity. If the stripper is gay he is unattainable. This may boost their own self esteem because there is no danger of rejection. Gay men do tend to preen themselves more than straight men and spend more hours in the gymnasium. Strippers do the same for their profession. Whatever the reasons for this bizarre assumption, let me dispel them here. Yes, there are a lot of gay strippers. The percentage figure is quite high – I would guess perhaps as high as a quarter of performers. However, that still leaves a lot of straight strippers.

  Paradoxically, whilst it is assumed by some that all male strippers must be gay, this lifestyle is often held in conjunction with having slept with at least 3000 women ! If I am to believe what people tell me, then I must have a queue of gorgeous women waiting to sleep with me at every show I attend. Whilst this is discussed in more detail in a chapter of its own, to summarise - the claims are wildly exaggerated. Whilst, I will concede that being a male stripper does present more ‘minge’ benefits than are available to the mere ‘mortal’ man, they do not represent the kinds of figures that are supposedly generated by rock stars. Firstly, I suspect that the ‘minge’ figures that are often accredited to rock stars are also wildly exaggerated. However, with that said, the stripper/rock star is often perceived as a ‘celebrity’ and there definitely exists women who are celebrity bed post accumulators. The rock star has far more celebrity than the male stripper and with that comes a perception of wealth. As mentioned earlier, women often assume male strippers are a good monetary catch and many a vaginal opening has closed up when they have realized the truth. Personally, I have always been deeply saddened that women attempt to woo men based on what they perceive their wallet contains. Prostitution is fine, but at least be honest about it ! A regular user of whores once said that ‘the modern woman is a whore who doesn’t deliver the goods. Teasers are not pleasers…they greedily accept gifts to seal a contract on which they renegade’. In his opinion, buying sex in a straight forward transaction, actually costs less in the long run.

  Fifteen years ago strippers had a higher celebrity rating and it is possible that strippers were scoring with more regularity then. However, I doubt it. Amongst the tall tales told by the stripping elite, the truth must be carefully extracted from the bullshit. The adage of ‘any hole’s a goal’ has always rung true. I have heard many a story of and seen with my own eyes strippers shagging women in the toilets post show. To put it mildly, the sort of woman who indulges in such instantaneous sexual predatory of the male performer would rarely befit the cover of a glossy magazine. Also, their conduct usually arrives in hand with having drunk copious amount of alcohol. I wish I could tell you that Angelina Jolie-alikes were waiting for me at the end of every show to fuck my brains out. I regret to report that post show my brain rarely ever leaves my head.

  Also, as I mention in more detail later, it must be noted that the stripper is often perceived as unattainable. As a species, women fundamentally lack confidence and sprinkle large doses of insecurity on their breakfast cereal every morning. Given that, why then would the bronzed Adonis on stage with his pick of the 100 or so women in the room possibly pick them ? Of course he would pick them, but frequently they won’t believe it, even when the stripper makes his intentions clear. After all, he has slept with at least 3000 women in the last month alone. He is so sexually experienced and perfect that he leaves her feeling woefully sexually inadequate. Why then should she embarrass herself by even considering that he might like her ? It is best therefore, not to even go there……. It takes a very confident (sober not drunk) woman to consider going with a stripper. As I don’t drink or do drunks, my field is somewhat narrower. In fact, a few friends of mine have benefited from the ‘roadie effect’. That is, I take a friend with me to shows as my assistant or ‘roadie’. The truth is that he is there to freeload off my minge benefits. With the stripper seen as unattainable, his roadie is seen as a more ordinary and less intimidating sort of chap. A few mates have reaped the benefits of this scenario. Whilst they have been boring her a larger hole in her bedroom I’ve been asleep on her couch. Worse still I could have her gay friend trying to seduce me in her living room. It has happened….

  Chapter 13 - An Unholy Alliance - Drag Queens versus Strippers

  Although the average man in the street probably won’t realize it, strippers and drag queens go hand in hand. I certainly didn’t know it before becoming a stripper and I see little reason for them to continue to do so. However, that is the history of the business and traditional methods have a habit of lingering.

  Drag queens (or half-men as one stripper refers to them) are often working the same gay venues as the strippers. Sometimes they act as the compere prior to the stripper appearing on stage. Strippers might see them as the warm up act, drag queens probably view strippers as an unnecessary inconvenience in the middle of their routine. Drag queens nearly always act as the compere on a ladies night. Done properly, they do a very good job of psyching the women up prior to the appearance of the stripper. On ladies nights it is clear who the majority of the women turn up for. Ask 100 women after a show and 80 of them will say they came to see the strippers, first and foremost. The drag queen was a nice accessory.

  Despite taking apparent top billing on such events the strippers still typically come out second. Drag queens usually command twice the fee of the stripper. Strippers, perhaps understandably resent this and although they go together like chips and salt there is an underlying tension between the two camps.

  Drag queens often book strippers on their shows and vice versa. Both camps tend to favour themselves monetarily when this occurs. However, I have noticed a lot of resentment often displayed by certain drag queens booked on shows by strippers. By contrast some drag queens sell their strip shows to the lowest bidder and as a result frequently bring a wheelchair ramp for granddad to get to the stage. The nurse required to undress him is not usually included in the budget.

  Drag queens will argue, with some justification, that they often bring a PA system with them as part of their fee. This is true…..sometimes. If strippers were going to double their fee, then I’m sure they would bring a PA system too.

  Drag queens always state they have more expensive costumes (i.e frocks and dresses). This is not always the case. Strippers can spend a considerable sum on outfits and some drag queens wear dresses from a charity shop. One drag queen very honestly opined to me that in the same way that strippers are exhibitionists, drag queens are transvestites. They simply like dressing up in women’s clothes.

  Whilst I don’t think this applies to them all, it does apply to a fair proportion of them. Certainly those drags that spend considerable sums on frocks have more of a penchant for dressing up. I have am yet to meet a drag queen who is straight. If we are to accept the argument that drag queenery is nothing more than performance cabaret (as the drag queens would insist) then it would seem odd that the industry is completely gay dominated. Another book would be required to explore the world of the drag queen in depth. However, my observations would indicate that the drag queens, as a breed, are every bit as damaged as the strippers they sneer at from afar in their crystallised towers laced with sequins.

  Don’t misunderstand me here. I know some drag queens who are very dear friends. 80 per cent of those are based in the North of England. There is a very different culture between the Northern and Southern Drag Queens. The northern drag arrives as David, transforms into Penny Change and departs as David. The southern equivalent is more likely to arrive and leave as Diamond White because the drag persona has blurred the boundary between creation and reality. How’s that for disturbed ?

  Drag queens have a tendency to view strippers as the braun to their brain. In some circumstances this is justified. As a stripper with a whole brain, rather than just a collection of cells, I
have a tendency to threaten many in the insecure drag world by simply breathing. This particularly applied to one drag duo known as Dumb and Dumber. Their malicious rumour spreading keeps reaching me from other sources. I only met them once and hardly said anything to them all night !

  Strippers do attract more than their fair share of jealousy and more than a few drag queens fan the flames of the green eyed monster. On ladies nights, the drag queen is essentially a well paid warm up act. If the strippers and the drag queen work together on an equal footing the night works so much better. Frequently though, there is a fractious division between the camps as they strive for the betterment of recognition. The ‘warm up man’ tag has produced many a bitter argument from drag queens justifying their place in the hierarchy. In fact, many a bitter drag has claimed that women don’t come out to see strippers they come out to see the drag queen. When they start putting on Drag Queen Ladies Nights I’ll start to believe it. Until then, (yet again) call me a cynic.

  There did exist an internet forum called hunkymuppets. It was set up initially by a computer geek on behalf of his partner as a sort of fan forum. It was inspired by watching the performance of a midlands based stripper who had no internet presence. At first the forum was quite entertaining. People made reference to shows they had seen and strippers posted comments on stripping related issues. Soon however, it was filled with lascivious drooling drag queens pontificating about sequins. It had barely anything left to do with strippers at all. The site was eventually revamped as a stripper and ‘female impersonator’ forum. The name remained despite the fact that all but a couple of the most egotistical strippers remained. PP O’Rourke needed people to reassure him that he was so wonderful. He began getting his friends to post on there saying how wonderful his shows were. A stripper called the Purple Maverick was famous on there as being the best stripper ever to walk the earth. Yet, few people have ever worked with him and those that have speak of his overwhelming ordinariness (belying the reputation). It turned out that he had a few fake internet profiles from where he built his own brand value by extolling his own virtues.

  The last time I saw the site it was infested with vile drags and bitchy queens. A few sensible drags had made a public exit from the vile, inane sycophantic drudgery. My point is that the site was set up to discuss stripping and strippers. Yet, many an insecure drag queen latched onto the perceived fame and attraction that the strippers brought to the table. The site grew on the back of strippers. To my knowledge there is no drag equivalent by its name.

  Today gay venues have a tendency to promote drag heavily, whilst the stripper barely gets a mention. If you ask the audience, as I have, what brings them in, they usually say the stripper. Often a rush of people arrive just before the stripper goes on, but unfortunately, they have a tendency to leave again almost immediately at the end.

  I arrived at a gay venue in Hastings one night. There was a huge poster of a well known drag queen above the door. They hadn’t even advertised that there was going to be a stripper. The drag queen nose dived and left the venue in a blur of divadom. The stripper went down a storm. The drag probably got paid two if not three times what the stripper got paid. The manager seemed to resent the fact that the advertised act was a failure and the ‘surprise’ was a success. I have never been back to the said venue and as I left I noticed another big poster for next week’s drag queen. Jealousy of strippers comes in many forms and on many levels. Although strippers pull in the punters, even some of the venue managers clearly resent us.

  It is true on a Ladies Night that the drag queen is on stage much longer than the stripper. They typically do 2 spots on stage of around half an hour each time. The stripper will do 20 minutes once. However, strippers put in far more work behind the scenes. Both parties rehearse their acts equal amounts, but strippers have to train every week and watch their diets constantly. Thy live their profession whereas drag queens simply rehearse theirs. Also, strippers mutilate their genitals before every performance. No danger money is paid to them for this.

  I don’t begrudge drag queens the money they earn, but I do resent those that say strippers are overpaid given the work they put in. Dumb and Dumber have been particularly vocal and vociferous about this. In their mind, strippers just turn up, go on stage for 15 minutes and then go home. Dumb and Dumber have a reputation for booking strippers so that they can bow down and worship on their knees before them. They wonder why the strippers they choose don’t show up on regular basis. Their name says it all.

  Chapter 14 - Expectations and Nastiness

  Before embarking on his journey into the unknown the male stripper should ideally have surgery to thicken his skin. A thin skinned stripper won’t last very long. Admittedly this may seem something of an irony, bordering on an oxymoron after what I said early about male strippers being a generally very insecure breed. Most of the time strippers do receive a joyous reception. I have never seen anyone booed off stage or had rotten vegetables thrown at them. However, I have seen strippers storm out of buildings because the girls hadn’t screamed loud enough to inflate their ego. Also, once off the stage members of the audience make personal approaches. Many of these offer complimentary appraisals, some offer constructive critique, most have a list of Frequently Asked Questions (for example how did you start off in this ?). However, some go out of their way just to be plain nasty. Others just have unreal expectations. This borders on a fine line with pure nastiness.

  Sorry girls, but the unreality/nastiness factor almost exclusively arrives from the female audience. An example of unreal expectations comes when a booker proclaims that the show is too short. PP O’Rourke is well known within the industry for having a short show (about 8-9 minutes). Many a venue has complained about this as the average is nearly double that. However, some girls have expected an hour long show !! My riposte to this is always simple. You try taking your clothes off for an hour whilst maintaining somebody’s interest ! Alternatively pay me three fees and I’ll do you four shows - buy three get one free.

  Typically, someone who whines about the length of the act before they have even seen it, is attempting a very poor method of fee negotiation. Someone who whines about the length of the act after the event, is attempting the same with an added dose of malice. After all, they did know exactly what they were getting.

  Private parties invariably run pretty smoothly, although occasionally there can be a malicious individual who tries to ruin things. One tends to feel slightly more exposed and vulnerable if you are coming under attack when you are naked. On the rare occasions where this has happened the host usually gives a heartfelt apology for the behaviour of the perpetrator and then goes on to comment that her boyfriend dumped the perpetrator only yesterday ! Physical attacks are very rare. Snide and nasty comments are more likely.

  However, on the big ladies nights I have come to expect a disgruntled faction. When women roam in tribes, men are often the target for their vitriol. Because the strippers are the only men in the room (drag queens are viewed as honorary women) they can become the target of illogical ire. On a base level, this nastiness may manifest itself by the waving of a little finger to indicate that you have a small dick. This has happened to every stripper I know. Frequently this occurs before they have even seen the evidence ! The irony, of course, is that most strippers can hold their own in that department and when they are tied off, they look huge.

  This finger waiving unpleasantness often occurs after the offending female has decided the stripper has rejected her. Stimulation X recently told me the tale whereby he was talking to a girl before the start of the show. It all looked good for a steamy meeting post show. During his show, the said female began finger waiving and shouting obscenities. Somewhat perplexed by the change in behaviour he sought an explanation afterwards. In a fit of rage filled expletives he was told in no uncertain terms that he was a liar, a cad and a cheat. She had watched him look at, walk over to and allow other women to touch him in the process of his act.

 
Although poor Stimulation X was the victim of an extreme lune in that example, similar stories abound. Whilst standing at the bar I am regularly approached by utter fruitloops with lines such as :

  ‘Well……that wasn’t very good was it!’ she says condescendingly

  ‘What was wrong’ I ask

  ‘You went over to those other women and didn’t come over to me’

  I try not to roll my eyes but I can’t help it anymore. In a room full of 100+ women you can’t get around everyone. Also, I will approach those first that give me some eye contact. If somebody is looking at the floor (as is the case with a lot of fruitloops) I will naturally assume they are unwilling and will be difficult to involve in the show. As much as I’d like to be psychic, I’m still working on gaining my Uri Gellar approved qualification. I can’t read minds yet.

  There have also been a couple of incidents of memorable note which exemplifies the nasty lengths that some women will go to if they don’t get their own way. I was asked to perform a ladies night in Birmingham. I was the only stripper with a drag queen (a vile brummy queen who fortunately to date I have never had the displeasure to meet again).

  There were many women crammed into a large hall. I have had better receptions and I’ve had worse. Mediocre is a fitting description. Yet, the women were on heat that night. I had many approach me afterwards, fishing with a sexual net. I stood at the bar as they approached one after the other. Eventually, I sat down with a Julie and we chatted for 10 minutes or so. During this time, I was approached by two other parties attempting to get me to come and sit with them instead. I took Julie’s number and said I’d call her later as I attempted to be a good celebrity and do my public relations bit.