Roadwarrior

by Nick Molloy

  Alas, even she found it too trying to cope with the lifestyle of her stripper boyfriend. She preferred to slink off with a new man. One with no hair, a beach ball physique and a dangerous drug habit. Apparently, he offered ‘normality’ and ‘stability’ – something a stripper does not. If I sound bitter, it’s because I am. It’s hard to take when you are told that you are a wonderful man who has enriched someone’s life, but ‘I can’t cope with your job’. Sorry and take care just doesn’t take the sting out of the barb. How fitting she should deliver the coup de grace as I write the epilogue.

  Whenever I perform at a club I sometimes suffer flashbacks. If the DJ is playing Whitney Houston’s I Wanna Dance with Somebody, or, Lionel Ritchie’s Dancing on the Ceiling, they send a cold shiver down my spine. I can’t remember why exactly, but I associate both those tracks with my lonely, girlfriend-less teenage years. Sexecute is the eraser of these thoughts.

  However, things have come full circle. When you lose, you do so alone. I was starting to love Sylvie but now I feel like a right idiot. I again stand alone, without womanly love for support. Whitney and Lionel taunt me from the sidelines.

  The vast majority of men when pressed will admit that it is not in their nature to be monogamous. If it is put on a plate for them and nobody will ever find out, they will dine heartily. In my pre Sexecute years, I had friends who could never understand my loyalty to one woman. I always replied that I didn’t put myself in the situations where temptation arose. The wheel has now come full circle. Now they have kids and don’t frequent bars, nightclubs, etc. I have to go into them for a living and attempt to stimulate the clientele. It is hardly conducive to a quiet married life in the country. Many strippers are indeed married. I have not met many that are faithful.

  Sexecute drove a wedge between Zoe and Nick. Nick always had the demons, but Sexecute has a habit of letting them out of the box. I sometimes feel resentful against Sexecute for this. I feel he destroyed the relationship with the girl I love. Essentially, due to the nature of his work, he is also virtually unlovable to a woman.

  Sexecute ages quickly. He won’t live into his hundreds. When he is dead and gone I hope I don’t resent my acquaintance with him.

  Nick Molloy

  June 2008

  Nick Molloy and his alter ego Sexecute can be contacted via nicksexecute@gmail.com

  2nd Edition updated chapters

  In June 2014 I hung up my thong. By January 2015 I’d been forced to unpack it again. It wasn’t really by choice but my return to the real world had not gone as smoothly as I had hoped. Either way, I thought it was time to write an update to the first edition, if anything just to update the reader on what the reaction was to the first edition within our small community. As I alluded to in the first edition I believe with total conviction that today I would be ‘diagnosed’ with Asperger Syndrome (if I were a child). Like many Asperger kids who have grown into adulthood I have learnt to deal with my condition. Therefore on first impression I probably don’t come across as an Asperger. My good friend Dr Kenneth the psychologist did at first cast doubt on my self analysis. As he got to know me however, he now will often say ‘that’s your Autistic Spectrum Disorder coming out’.

  Despite 41 years of learned behaviour my natural inclination is still to take people very literally at their word. For some bizarre reason my inbuilt programming refers me back to when I was a young child, when I was told that honesty was a noble quality and something to be sought after. Now as an adult, who is often described as highly analytical, I can categorically state that honesty doesn’t pay. Throughout my life I’ve struggled, as many Asperger types do, to understand social nuances and norms. As a result I’ve often been perceived as different or ‘weird’. It can be incredibly frustrating as times to be misunderstood. It’s even more frustrating when honesty is not only misunderstood, but additionally is used as a tool that is turned on you in an attempt to shoot you down. That is how it turned out with the publication of the first edition of this book.

  However, that doesn’t mean I’d change anything. I could wax lyrical about how the impact of Thatcherism reaches much further than historians credit her with. The ‘fuck you’ culture in which we now live, arguably started with her. Everybody now seems to be out to make something at the expense of their fellow human. Reality TV appears to have bred a society of desperate wannabees whose idea of work is fame at any cost. It doesn’t appear to matter who they tread on as long as they make it. Facebook and Twitter have produced a whole generation of narcissists allowing all the nobodies to pretend they are somebodies by updating daily (or even hourly) their status to their fake friends (read imaginary fans). Honesty is notably absent on these forums. If we were to believe what is there, then everybody would be rich and nobody would be unhappy. I would argue the reverse is true. Probably never as a society have we been as deeply disturbed or insecure. I can’t understand why people can’t just be themselves and be happy as such. Is this my autistic spectrum disorder ?

  The Chug recently completed his 300,000th mile and was gracefully put out to stud. His replacement was another vegetable oil mobile this time called the Chug-o-Slovak – a Skoda Fabia. I’ve been stunned by the number of people who have given me the ‘you drive a Skoda line’ (oh the shame). I counter by pointing out that it does close to 300mpg and such frugal living on a basic wage has made me a landlord with a respectable passive income. I have the time to do more of what I want to do as opposed to the droning they are forced to do. Yet, despite this, I would be more accepted, nay respected, if I drove a BMW. Despite being the most common car today on UK roads, for some reason the UK public have a false perception of prestige with said vehicle. I could be wrong but I don’t think this blatant narcissism/consumerism existed in such huge numbers a generation ago. What an earth has gone wrong with society ?

  Does this mean that books written now should feed the facebook generation ? Should they sprout forth BS that makes their audience happy ? Does the audience need to agree with and love the author in order to make it popular ? Apparently so ! Indeed, the offer I received for this book from a large agent prior to publication insisted on it (you may remember I turned that offer down).

  Is there anything to be gained at all from being honest ? In truth, I think the answer is not a lot. Being so honest in the first edition of this book, gained me nothing and cost me a fair bit, as I’ll explain in due course. Thus, is honesty worth preserving ? If I’m honest (pun intended), I’m struggling to make an argument for it. With my autistic spectrum disorder it comes naturally to me. I’ve noticed in recent years that there has been a trend for the parents of Asperger kids to write books. On a daytime show the other day a famous parent was lamenting that her Asperger son literally just says exactly what he is thinking’. She was embarrassed by his honesty.

  Everything I have learnt says that life is easier and better if I lie. If I go to a bank and ask them to open a business account they ask me what I do for a living. If I tell them I’m a stripper they won’t open one for me. If I apply for a mortgage they won’t give me one. If I apply for a merchant account as a stripper they won’t give me one. If I do all of the above as a personal trainer, the doors mysteriously open. When Paypal discovered I was a stripper my account was suspended. Despite years of taking my money they cited my profession as a reason for suspension. Their terms and conditions clearly state they cannot discriminate against customers. I asked the financial ombudsman to investigate. Yet, when they found out I was a stripper they too didn’t want to know and began ignoring my requests for further investigation. Nochex was brought in as a replacement for Paypal (to take booking deposits). Two years later history repeated itself. At least they were more honest about it. Apparently the FSA (Financial Services Authority) themselves were regulating them and it was they that deemed that a service such as mine was, well, not honest enough. My account was suspended.

  Before I started taking deposits for bookings I used to get about one booking per year that went
awry at the last minute. On a couple of occasions I’ve taken the booker to court for non fulfillment of contract. Usually, with the threat of court the booker would at least offer something and the matter would be settled. Once however, it ended up in court. Despite a clear contractual breach, the judge (not the smartest of people as I have discovered) described the case, or more accurately my profession, as ‘risible’ and needless to say I did not win ! I took the matter to the office of judicial complaints – basically a body of legal people who protect their own and got nowhere. Apparently, it’s ok for a judge to be ‘professionist’ as he wasn’t discriminating on gender, sex, sexuality, race or nationality. The prejudiced amongst you might like to remember that ! It’s still perfectly legal to be discriminatory as long as you do it in the right way.

  I have found that being honest throughout life has rarely had its rewards. The point I am making however, it that to be honest as a stripper just accentuates the pain ! Despite all this, you are probably not too surprised to hear that I wouldn’t change things. I happen to think that common decency, honesty and treating people with respect are actually things to be commended. When I wrote this book I set out to bring the reader into my world, warts and all. I didn’t write it to win friends and influence people. I didn’t do it for book sales. I did it because it was a book I would have liked to read myself and nobody had written it yet. Fundamentally, when I am reading a factual book, above all I want it to be an honest account ! Therefore, I make no apology for my honesty, no matter how many noses it may put out of joint.

  You may well ask then, what were the repercussions ? I should probably state at this point that to protect the innocent, real names were never used in the 1st edition. A lot of the stripper and drag names that were used were inspired by real names. Those in the know could see the similarities. However, the actions prescribed to some of the fictional names was not necessarily attributable to their real world counter-part. Their actions were all jumbled up.

  Despite this, I underestimated the sheer level or narcissism prevalent within my industry. I didn’t write the book for those within the industry. They already know the goings on. I wrote it for those outwith of the business. Indeed, nothing warms a cold heart like mine more, than when I get a letter or an email from somebody who thanks me for being so honest in my writing and for taking them to the inner sanctum of a place they were curious about.

  The drag queens in particular, couldn’t resist picking up a copy just in case I mentioned their names. They read the names and immediately attributed it to themselves. Alas, even though I wasn’t actually talking about them (all jumbled up remember) they didn’t see it as such. Let us face it, the dirty laundry was now available for the public to see. Such was my popularity, that the drags actually bought a single copy and would then post it to one another so that I wouldn’t benefit from any extra sales ! My popularity fared little better amongst the strippers where I was also something of a pariah. To this day nobody has challenged me on my honesty, but there was a collective attempt to try and stop me plying my trade.

  There is a new narcissist champion on the block who takes the cake away from all the previous champions. TT Brown-Nose makes my skin crawl like no other stripper before him. No words of truth ever seem to pass his lips. He carries a laptop everywhere with him so that he can update his facebook ‘fans’ how the show is going as he comes off stage (honestly who really cares?). He further updates the said ‘fans’ as he eats a hot dog, goes to sleep and relieves his bowels. His real name is Kris but he panics if you address him as such in case his fans realize his fake name is indeed fake. He has littered Youtube with videos of himself taking a bath, dancing at home in front of camera and all manner of inane thing. He won’t change his name by deed poll, so I’m told, because that may cause problems with his benefit claim. Like many people who are so fake he uses PEDs. Despite his meager income he brags that his business is conducted by a ‘P.A’ (a groupie).

  Perhaps it is I that is in the wrong ? Why does he offend me so ? Part of me pities him. He is actually quite shy and withdrawn, he struggles to interact with people and make friends/build relationships. He is clearly very damaged psychologically and seeks to boost his rock bottom self esteem through a myriad of tall tales. By creating the fake persona of Brown-Nose he attempts to shut out Kris, the pain no doubt too deep. Yet, Brown-Nose is so odious, so fake, so self-centred and narcissistic, any sympathy I could feel for Kris is more than outweighed by my revulsion for the Brown-Nose character. Ironically, he’s a good stripper. However, I could never use him on a show as I literally can’t bare to be in the same room as him. The effluent that streams constantly from his mouth is quite unpleasant and makes any given room unbearable fairly quickly from the unpleasant stench. Am I too sensitive? Does living in the modern world mean we should be able to put up with such a persistent stench?

  I wish I could say that Brown Nose was an isolated case but he has a couple of rivals that probably also exceed the narcissists of a decade ago. Charles Ride-her is such a doughnut that he has a goon following him around acting as ‘personal protection’. A male stripper that feels he needs a bodyguard to protect him from a throng of women! Whatever next? Apparently, his goon has been threatening to body slam women if they get too close. I only regret that I haven’t seen this example of hilarity for myself.

  The artist formerly known as Kent seems to have had a meltdown! He appeared on a TV programme with the Dreamboys. He tried double crossing them by telling the producers to focus purely on him. The Dreamboys cut him off, but appearing on Sky 1 for a few minutes went to his head. He changed his name by deed poll to Lee Sapphire (his fictional name on the programme). He desperately tries to get on TV anywhere and everywhere and this culminated recently with him telling a female presenter that he was bound for Hollywood a bit like Schwarzennegger. She put it to him that might be a bit unrealistic. ‘Limiting beliefs, limiting beliefs’ he kept spouting. Maybe he’ll surprise us all, but I doubt it. Let’s all wish him luck though.

  He has also embraced the Facebook with true narcissistic totality. Constant updates on his every move are included rivaling Brown-Nose. This character he has created is alien to the real person who is actually quite shy and withdrawn. Certainly as a stripper he has always seemed afraid of his audience. Maybe it’s just me. Perhaps I should go out and buy a leather jacket that lights up like a Christmas tree when I walk ? Maybe I need to get a PA to constantly update my facebook, a stylist to shape my hair (pubic or otherwise), a beautician to do my make up and a publicist to liase with the media. I’ve had it all wrong for years !

  My relationship with Uni Boy had to end, tragically. He began to fit the above description. I always knew he had a dark, manipulative, selfish side. However, I guess I craved a friend in my industry of choice. Whilst the life of a Roadwarrior is often a lonely one, it’s nice sometimes to be able to share the experiences. Uniboy provided that, for a time. Although, I think I knew all along it would come at a price. I just didn’t want to believe it. Academically intellectual, but deeply insecure, Uniboy was always susceptible to getting a bighead. I first began to be disturbed when he constantly compared his performance to that of others, as if he was seeking to gain the edge in competition. The truth was that he was constantly trying to validate his existence and boost his own self esteem. If a member of the audience cast aspersions on his performance he’d fall into a depression.

  I’m now wary of friends that lack rationality. Their psychological frailty can lead them to lash out in my direction when things don’t go their own way. I knew Uniboy was no true friend when he was pulled off a show by The Dot Com Disaster on the orders of Cissy Bells. The Dot Com Disaster told me that I couldn’t tell Uniboy as Cissy Bells said he didn’t have the body of a stripper and he was being replaced. Uniboy was my friend so I told him what had happened. He also was under the illusion that Cissy Bells liked him ! I did tell him that I was telling him this in confidence and I had been asked not to tell him, but as a
friend I wouldn’t do that.

  Within 2 minutes of putting the phone down he called the Dot Com Disaster and let rip at the messenger, thus ruining what had previously been a very amicable relationship that I had with the Dot Com Disaster. That relationship has never recovered. In the warped logic that dictates this industry Uniboy and the Dot Com Disaster formed a bond over Uniboy shouting at him and him betraying my loyalty !

  Not long after this, Uniboy began working for the Aphrodite occasion. For some reason limiting his earnings on a Saturday night caused his head to swell. I guess his insecurities meant he needed to have a sense of belonging. The final straw came one Saturday night after our various assignments. We were discussing matters around his place over a cup of tea. The said matters turned to stripping and its personnel. To my amazement he refused to tell me what people were saying behind my back despite alluding to such comments. Apparently ‘he didn’t need to tell me anything’. Of course, he isn’t contractually obliged to do any such thing. However, when the situation was reversed I told him everything. I also stuck up for him repeatedly when people didn’t want to book him because he didn’t look like a typical stripper. I gave him numerous gigs and the thanks I got……….