by Nicole Hayes
‘Woohoo!’ Yuki called out, sweeping by and grabbing Tessa’s arm. And Tessa felt a giddy kind of relief that Yuki was her usual self again – that they were okay now – so she let Yuki swing her around a couple of times before she stopped, and held her friend still.
‘Listen. I’m sorry.’
Yuki lifted her hand. ‘It’s fine. Seriously.’
‘No. It’s not. I hear you. I do. New leaf, Yuke. New me.’
Yuki frowned. ‘But I love Old Tess.’
‘Not totally new. I’m … I’m okay. It’s all okay.’
‘Yeah. You are,’ Yuki said, dropping a kiss on Tessa’s cheek.
Tessa squeezed her hand then eyed her firmly. ‘You know what’s even better?’
‘What?’
Tessa leant in close. ‘We’re on holiday,’ she whispered, then stepped back and grinned. ‘We’re on freaking holiday!’
Yuki started laughing. ‘That we are, my friend.’ Throwing her arms around Tessa, continuing her dance with the same awkward gusto before breaking apart.
‘Can anyone get in on this?’ Zane said, squeezing in between them. ‘Can’t believe we’re done!’
‘Still need to get our results,’ Jack said, approaching from behind, his eyes firmly on Yuki. She seemed determined not to look at him, but her body turned towards him, almost as if bidden.
Zane groaned. ‘Don’t spoil it!’
‘Hey. Reality, man. You should try it sometime.’
‘I’d rather live lightly at the whim of fancy.’
‘You’re weird,’ Jack said, scruffing Zane’s immaculate hair, ‘but adorable.’
Yuki rolled her eyes. ‘T, you coming to Lara’s?’
‘Uh. Sure? Is that okay?’
‘Lara asked me to tell you. She said to make sure you and Nick are there.’
Tessa winced inwardly. It was always about Nick. She shook that off. No. She had to stop complicating things. ‘Great.’
‘Walk with me?’ Yuki said to Jack, who nodded quickly, as though afraid she’d change her mind. As they headed down the steps, Yuki winked at Tessa and blew her a kiss.
Zane grinned. ‘Kids today.’
‘Yeah. What can you do?’
They started down the steps, towards the gate.
Zane hesitated as they approached the exit. Across the street, Lara was talking to Nick. He was bent over, listening to her, while she laughed and shook her head. She looked up, her eyes meeting Tessa’s, and waved.
And now they were going to spend their first night of freedom at a party at her house.
‘Listen,’ Zane said, touching Tessa’s arm. ‘Nick’s a good guy.’
‘Yeah. I know.’
‘You have nothing to worry about.’
Tessa glanced at Lara again, leaning towards Nick. ‘She likes him, doesn’t she?’
‘I think we can safely say that.’ Zane ran a hand through his hair, absently patting it down along its zigzag part. ‘But she’d never do anything. She’s not like that.’
Tessa waited, absorbing this.
‘Neither would Nick. He’s all about you.’
Tessa nodded. ‘I get it.’
‘Do you? Really?’
Tessa cocked her head. ‘What?’
Zane shrugged. ‘Get it? Look, I like you –’
Tessa laughed. ‘Wait. You’re not going to confess to a long-held crush on me, are you? I didn’t know you’d turned.’
Zane snorted. ‘Hardly, though I do like redheads.’
‘So what are you trying – really badly – to say?’
‘I know you’ve had a rough year. A rough few years.’
Tessa blushed despite herself.
‘I get it. What you’ve been through? I understand. Some of it, anyway.’
Tessa studied the hot, white cement, too embarrassed to look up. But hopeful, too, that maybe she wasn’t the only one. That she didn’t have to do it alone.
‘I’m here if you want to talk. Okay?’
And although it took every ounce of her resolve, after years of cultivating a distant cool, she lifted her head to meet Zane’s gaze, let him see the flush in her cheeks, the shame in her eyes. ‘Me too,’ she said. ‘Me too.’
He stands there, in the dark bush, bright and alive. His hand outstretched, welcoming. Like he was before the illness.
She moves towards him, feels the draw of his smile, basking in the memory of how it made her feel, how he saved it just for her. She can see the contours of his cheeks, the fine creases around his eyes, the curve of his smile. She wants to capture that moment, like a photo but truer, more alive. She wants to hold it in her hands, full and rich and impossible to deny.
Closer, he’s saying, though she can’t hear the words, sees only the shape of his lips coaxing her towards him, until she’s close enough to touch him, close enough that she can hear him whisper, his voice broken and hoarse as it had become by the end.
He’s not calling her closer. He’s shaking his head, telling her to …
Run! Tessa, run!
Tessa sits bolt upright, clawing at the dark for anything that will keep her from disappearing. ‘Nick!’ she gasps. ‘Nick!’
‘I’m here.’ He crouches beside her, and she can feel him rather than see him.
Tessa focuses on breathing deep slow breaths, deliberate, mindful. That bullshit psychobabble the counsellors were always going on about actually, for once, working. Gradually, her laboured breaths ease and she approaches something closer to calm.
‘Nightmare?’
‘Yes.’
‘You’re awake now.’
‘Yes.’
She shifts into a more comfortable position, nervous to move far in the dark, aware that the starry night and the sliver of moon aren’t offering anywhere near enough light to avoid falling down a crevasse. She peers out into the dark bush. The silence so dense it’s almost suffocating. There was a time she loved this kind of quiet. The perfect peace of a space unbroken by reality. And she remembered those camping trips with her parents, when it was just them. She would wake up some nights, in the midst of this perfect silence, lying alone in her tent and listening to the quiet so carefully that she was able to hear a kind of rhythm to it. Could see it and feel it. She’d liked the idea that it had a shape, a colour. Blue, she’d once thought. Silence was cerulean blue. Except this silence is black. Heavy and oppressive. She lies back down and tries to close her eyes.
‘I can’t sleep,’ she whispers.
She turns her head to face the cliff and Nick lying beside her. He is little more than an outline in the dark. She doesn’t move closer, doesn’t move at all. The idea of his proximity is enough to soothe her.
‘We can do this,’ Nick’s voice breaks into the night.
Tessa nods. ‘I know.’
‘One piece at a time.’
She nods again. ‘Yes.’
‘Together,’ he whispers.
Tears she didn’t think she was capable of producing wet her lashes, but she doesn’t let them fall. Everything – every single thing in this complete black, this thrumming silence – feels fragile and temporary. A house of cards made of the finest, most transparent paper. Even breathing seems an intrusion right now.
But breathe she must.
The flames licked the log, spitting and hissing like a feral cat. Nick prodded the fire with an iron poker, easing the wood across the burning embers, briefly eclipsing the blaze beneath it until he moved it again and the embers flared. Tessa stared at the fire, mesmerised, feeling the cool night air on her cheeks as she sat on a folding chair, the heat against her legs.
They were in Lara’s backyard, a large house on the outskirts of Carrima. Lara’s parents were away, and the property was far enough from its neighbours that it’d been designated the unofficial party house, though this was the first time Tessa had been invited.
Panic! at the Disco was pumping from the house stereo, the doors flung open to the night sky, the volume as high as it could go, the steady
drumbeat rumbling beneath Tessa’s feet.
Yuki was on the other side of the fire, curled against Jack. Tessa snuggled in closer to Nick, his fingers automatically entwining with hers. She leant against him, and he faced her, those chocolate-coloured eyes smiling at her, the promise of a kiss lighting his gaze. She moved closer, drawn to his lips, feeling the heat of them almost before they made contact. She wanted –
an ache deep inside her
– so much.
She wanted so much. She felt full with it – this thing she couldn’t name – and wanted to hold the moment, possess it. If it had a colour it would be red, but with the warm tones of purple, the brightness of pink, the cheerful optimism of yellow. She wanted to paint it, suddenly, right there, but that would mean leaving and possibly destroying the perfect peace of this perfect moment. So she let the soft touch of his lips obliterate even the urge to remember.
When they finally pulled apart, flushed and happy, Nick’s arm tight around her like he’d never let go, she felt the first pangs of hunger. She looked at his watch, its broad white face, the gold hands and the brown leather band. When she’d joked about watches being for old people, he’d told her his mum’s dad had given it to him. How it kept exact time. ‘So, no excuse to be late, then?’ she’d joked. And he’d kissed her brow, letting his lips hover, brushing her skin as he whispered, ‘Why would I ever make you wait?’ She felt a shiver, thinking about it. Her stomach growled, as if in protest. Nine-thirty. No wonder she was hungry. Most of the others were too busy drinking to worry about food, except Nick, who was driving, and Tessa, who had no interest in alcohol. Not now. Maybe not ever. Surprisingly, no one pressured her to drink. No one even offered her one, like they knew not to – perhaps Yuki had said something.
Around them, other couples had paired off, small groups laughed, and the distant rattle of a freight train rumbled through the night. Zane and Lara were talking intently, but every time Lara looked away, Zane edged a little closer to Skatey Dave, a guy from Beringal Tessa knew only by his nickname, and only because he was some sort of local skateboard champion. It didn’t take much for you to make a name for yourself around here – good or bad. She watched him out of the corner of her eye, saw the way he pressed his leg against Zane’s – accidentally, it seemed, but then he kept it there.
She smiled, pleased for Zane. Imagined it wouldn’t be easy for him to meet anyone in this part of the country. Tessa couldn’t remember meeting anyone else openly gay the whole time she’d lived here. Nor in Beringal, when she thought about it. Statistically, that seemed highly unlikely, so the chances were that there were plenty of kids who didn’t feel safe or confident to come out. Like life wasn’t hard enough. She shuddered, and Nick tightened his arm around her.
‘I need food.’
He studied her as if she’d asked him a complicated question. ‘Yeah.’
‘Are you okay?’ She frowned, a half smile on her lips.
‘I could eat.’
She laughed softly. ‘Glad we got that sorted.’
‘Come on.’
He took her hand and they went back towards the house, where a barbecue was cooling on the deck. Zane and Yuki had cooked some sausages earlier, and there was a plate of them piled by the grill. They each wrapped a sausage in bread, dribbled tomato sauce on them, then headed back to their spot by the fire.
Zane grinned as they sat. Tessa noticed that Dave was now so close to Zane that the entire left side of his body was pressed up against him. Which explained Zane’s grin.
‘Check out my culinary skills,’ Zane said, nodding at the sausages. ‘Not bad, hey?’
‘Yeah, ’cause it takes enormous skill to hold a sausage over a flame until it burns,’ Tessa said.
‘Meh. It’s a gift.’ Zane let his hand fall on Dave’s knee. Neither of them looked at it. Neither of them moved. ‘God, Year Twelve next. I can’t believe it.’
‘Yeah,’ Lara said, ‘except some of us are already done and halfway to university.’ She narrowed her gaze. ‘Mentally, anyway. Hey, Nick?’
Tessa felt him tense beside her. ‘I’m still here,’ he said.
Tessa squeezed his hand, her eyes on Zane and Dave, Dave’s hand now resting on Zane’s, the beginning of something, she was sure, that might or might not work. That might or might not encounter resistance. Still, Zane leant into Dave. Still, Dave played with Zane’s fingers. Still, they were finding a way. That’s what it was, she decided, most of the time – just finding a way.
‘So did you make a decision?’ Lara continued, her eyes on Nick. Her hair glowed in the firelight, her teeth a white flash against her tanned skin.
‘Melbourne. I told you,’ he said, letting go of Tessa’s hand.
‘Nick?’ Lara’s question held such intimacy, such familiarity that it hurt Tessa to hear it. ‘Have you told your dad?’
‘It’s not up to him.’ He stood abruptly and turned to Tessa. ‘Want to go for a walk?’
Tessa looked around, but no one seemed to notice. They’d all returned to what they were doing. Drinking. Kissing. Laughing. Except Lara, who glanced at Nick before offering an apologetic smile Tessa’s way.
‘Sure.’ She wiped her hands on her denim shorts and followed Nick, who was already walking purposefully towards the back paddock, hands shoved in his pockets. She hurried to catch up to him. ‘Hey, are you okay? What’s going on?’
She could barely make out the expression on his face, the cloud-streaked moon not casting enough light to do more than offer a faint outline of his features. But she knew them so well, had drawn them in her head, and literally on the page, so many times these past weeks. Those high cheekbones, his lips so pink and full, she could kiss them all day. All night too. But right then, they were pressed together, thin and angry.
‘Nick? Please.’
He stopped and stared towards the dam at the bottom of the hill, the filtered moonlight luminous on its surface. ‘It’s not that simple,’ he said.
‘What’s not that simple?’
He looked at her. ‘Uni. What happens next.’
‘What do you mean? You’ll get in wherever you want.’ He would. Nick was Carrima’s best student. Probably the district’s too. They’d be all over him.
‘I’m not worried about that.’
She took his hand, began to sit on the ground where they stood, tugging at him to join her. And he did, but the space between them seemed impossibly wide. ‘I don’t understand,’ she said. ‘You’ll be fine. You’re Carrima’s superstar.’
‘Hardly,’ he said, grimacing.
‘Everyone’s expecting you to be dux of the school.’
‘I’m quite aware of that,’ he said. ‘It’s all right for you.’
‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
‘Just that you’re lucky.’
Her laugh was as dry as bark. ‘No one’s ever said that to me. Literally. No one. I mean, except for this.’ And she slid her hand in his.
She saw him melt a little then, his body relaxing against hers. He slipped his arm around her shoulders. ‘This is great,’ he said. ‘Perfect, actually, but that’s not what I meant.’ He withdrew his arm, and she felt a chill replace it. ‘I was talking about your art – to have something you’re good at, something you love …’ He faced her. ‘You know what you want to do.’
‘No, I don’t.’ Everyone kept telling her – school, uni, art. But it was all she could do to get through each day. She couldn’t bear to think about next week let alone next year. It was too far away but, also, not far enough. And things kept changing. Even her plan to move to Melbourne was getting complicated. The very reason she’d wanted to leave suddenly not as urgent or pressing as it had been. ‘I just like making things … It’s not a career.’
He twisted around to look at her. ‘What? Of course it is. There are courses you can do. I mean, there are Fine Art courses everywhere. Or Naroondah Estate runs all kinds of programs. They’re always advertising them in town. It’s like Mecca for artists
.’
Tessa blinked at this suggestion, a tiny bubble of panic. All she’d ever wanted to do was escape this place, but more and more she was struggling to remember why. ‘I’m okay, sure. But that’s not enough.’
‘You’re full of shit, Tess. You are good enough, or you will be. I mean, no one wakes up a star.’
‘Except you.’
Nick frowned. ‘Everything I do I work at. You get that, right?’
‘Of course I do, but you’re free now. You can do anything you want.’
He stood up, agitated. ‘Yeah, well, I don’t know what that is.’
Tessa sat straighter, confused. How was this possible? All this time she’d watched from afar, and since they’d got together she’d seen Nick as this person, complete and grown and ready for the world. So accomplished. So secure. She felt small beside him.
There was a long silence. In the distance she could hear the hiss of the fire, crackle and pop. She didn’t look up when he crouched beside her, took her hands in his. ‘I’m not making myself clear, am I?’
She lifted her gaze, daring a look.
He pushed her hair off her face, traced a finger around her cheek, her lips. ‘It’s not about having it all sorted – not really. You have something that’s you.’ His voice dropped then. ‘Something you love.’
She felt the heat rise between them. ‘Yes.’
‘I don’t love anything.’ He looked away. ‘Except my family – most of the time.’ He laughed, trained his eyes on her. ‘And you.’
She didn’t want to move, afraid to break the spell.
‘Did you hear me?’ Nick whispered. ‘I said I love you.’
All she wanted to do was shout it to the sky. To tell him with her words, her body – all of her – how much she loved him, but the words stuck in her throat, the idea of surrender so foreign to her. So she did the only thing she could do in answer. She knelt before him, took his face in her hands and kissed him for the longest seconds of her life while he didn’t move, the fear that she might lose him because of her silence almost too much to bear. But then he slipped his arms around her and they stayed like that until her knees began to tingle.