“Hey!” I said, while trying to pat down the spikes of hair that were standing up every which way. “First of all, I didn’t give him a blowjob. Second, my cowlick has been a lot tamer since high school.”
She cackled, and I could tell it hadn’t escaped her that I failed to deny my sex hair.
“It’s not that bad! You’re such a jerk,” I said with a laugh.
That just made her bust up even harder. “Oh my God, you’re such a mess. Cute, but a mess. Okay seriously, though, what were you up to? I’ve got time. Moe’s down at the studio space doing their thing.”
I smiled at that. Luce’s partner was an incredibly talented sculptor and would go work on their stuff every weekend. “Oh, I can’t wait to see what they’re working on.”
She nodded, an adoring look all over her face. She only got that when Moe came up.
Luce had always been a wild woman. She fucked whoever she wanted and never took anyone she was with too seriously. She just played. But as soon as she met Moe, she knew. When she first told me about them, she sounded so certain about what she felt. I couldn’t help thinking that I felt that same certainty about Elias, even if it was fucking self-destructive and idiotic.
“So what’s this SOS about?” Now that I had all her attention on me, for the first time in our friendship, I paused. I didn’t want to share too much. The moments I’d had with Elias already felt precious, like they’d shatter if I didn’t handle them with care.
I realized I’d been quiet for a while, and when I glanced at the monitor I saw Luce staring at me with a funny look. “Babe, you look pretty serious right now.”
I covered my face with my hands and groaned. “I could fall in love with this guy, Luce.”
At this point she would usually make a joke about how my need to be “involved” was pathological. She didn’t this time, though. She looked at me carefully and asked, “Who is it?”
“It’s Elias, the logistics coordinator for the project I told you about when we talked after I got here.” I sighed. “He’s amazing. I want him so much, and not just because he’s gorgeous and turns me inside out just from saying my name. He’s so noble and passionate about everything.”
“Okay, hon.” She put her hands up, and I could tell she was trying hard not to lecture me. “I don’t want to sound like I don’t take your feelings seriously, but you do this. You meet a guy, decide you want him and you make it your mission to have him fall for you. Sounds like Elias is a great guy, so be careful with your heart and his, all right? You’re only there for a few more weeks, and when you get like this, hell-bent on getting that connection…you make promises.”
I looked at her, feeling something heavy in my chest. It hurt to hear her say it. But she was right. I always did this, went in too fast and too hard. Convinced myself it was what I needed, and ended up either disappointed or heartbroken. But that didn’t mean I didn’t know what I was feeling right now. That I couldn’t recognize that the things I felt for Elias were totally different than anything else I had before.
“Luce, I think this time it’s different,” I said, smiling helplessly when I thought of how good things felt with Elias. “I can just be with him. It feels so good and safe. I don’t feel the need to be two steps ahead, dictating where we go next. I’m just happy to be there. He’s so fucking brave too. Tonight we were at Saba’s and he just grabbed my head and kissed me. Right in front of her.” It was crazy to think that only happened a couple of hours ago.
“I know it doesn’t seem like much, but doing that here openly is a risky thing, and he did it for me.” I felt so fucking stupid and desperate, grasping at straws to make her understand that this was the real deal. “God, it sounds so corny when I say it, but it felt so good for someone to want me like that. So much he was willing to take chances. No one has ever done that for me.”
Lucía was so clearly worried for me that I wanted to hide. “It’s not stupid, Des. It’s great,” she said firmly. Her expression changed and she waved her hand in the direction of her laptop. “Forget all the shit I said. Enjoy him. Enjoy the trip. You deserve it. What I want is for you to be happy. Full stop. You do what you need to do, no matter what. I’m here always. You know that.”
“Thank you.” That was it. No more lecturing, no judgment. She let me know how she felt, but in the end she was happy to see me happy.
After that our conversation veered to my plans for the next weeks and my talk with my mother. I went to sleep feeling anxious about Elias and his family, but also determined to enjoy the time I had with him before we were both inevitably forced to focus on our obligations.
He wasn’t coming.
I woke up to a text from Elias saying he wouldn’t be able to take me to Entoto. My stomach clenched as I read the message. I agonized, wondering if his dad had been having a heart attack while he was messing around with me.
After almost ten minutes of trying and failing to calm down, I sat up in the bed and called him. The phone rang a few times, then disconnected. I kept the phone against my ear with my eyes closed, not ready to deal with the possibility that he might’ve hung up when he saw my number. After a second the phone buzzed with an incoming text.
I was in my father’s room. Walking outside to call you.
The relief that coursed through me was so intense, I sagged against the pillow with my phone clutched in my hand as I waited for the call. I picked up before the buzz turned into a ring.
“Hey.” I sounded winded and was so tense I had to remind myself to blink.
There was a lot of noise wherever he was, but when he spoke I could hear the exhaustion in his voice. “I’m sorry I can’t take you to Entoto today, but my father is not…well. My mom was afraid of leaving him alone, so I volunteered to stay so she and my sister could go home to rest.”
This man did not need to be worrying about my feelings right now. “No, please don’t apologize. I completely understand. How is he doing this morning?”
The long exhale on his end was almost answer enough. “His heart is fine, but they wanted to observe him overnight. He gets like this a lot, terrified he’s dying. He wasn’t in a good headspace all night and this morning.” He let out another long breath. “Wherever he is mentally, he’s not feeling safe to go home at all, and I feel completely useless.”
That sounded hard and complicated, and I didn’t think it was my place to ask more. “I’m sorry,” I said lamely.
“It is what it is.” His voice was so flat and lifeless, such a contrast from yesterday.
“Is there anything I can do? Do you want me to bring something for you? Coffee or breakfast?”
“No.” His tone was more forceful than I’d ever heard it. “My mother and sister will be here soon, and I’ll go home.”
“Oh, okay,” I answered hesitantly, realizing his voice seemed almost panicked.
Of course, he was probably worried I’d show up and out him to his family. Because this wasn’t a game, and even though Elias had been nothing but amazing and open over the past couple of days, this wasn’t just a quick trip for him. This was his home, and his life had complications.
That eye-opener was the bucket of cold water I’d needed and hadn’t gotten on my talk with Lucía. There were serious consequences to what we were doing, and I could just pack up and go home. Elias, on the other hand, could lose everything.
“I should probably let you go. Don’t want to keep you from your dad. I hope you get some rest soon,” I said, trying hard to sound normal, but failing miserably.
“Are you okay, Desta?” He was now worried about me, because my mess knew no bounds.
I tried really hard to inject some brightness in my voice. “Yes, of course. I hope your dad’s on the mend soon. I’m glad you can be there with him.”
Now he probably thought I was pissed at him, on top of the stress of what was going on with his dad. I needed to behave like an adult and not act out with someone who had enough to deal with.
“Take care of yoursel
f too. You owe me a hike!” I congratulated myself on the little bit of cheerfulness I was able to manage, and the knot in my chest loosened somewhat when I heard Elias’s laugh.
“Eshi, konjo. Have a good Sunday. We’ll talk soon.”
I ended the call feeling out of sorts and annoyed at myself. I wasn’t in Ethiopia to pursue complicated relationships, no matter how amazing Elias was. I was here to think about my future and to get some closure around my father’s death. Instead I’d been running around thirsting after a man who had hard enough decisions to make without me pushing myself into his life.
Chapter 17
It was 6:00 p.m. on a Sunday and I was sitting at my cubicle in the Aid USA office. After spending a good part of the morning exploring Piazza and the huge open-air market in Addis, I took a taxi up to the office, hoping to do some work while the place was empty. I wasn’t surprised to find it half full of people with the same idea.
It was a common scene in the Aid USA offices I’d worked in. Expat life sometimes felt like summer camp. Balance could be elusive when personal and work lives melded this much. If I were honest, I’d been relieved to not have to spend the day in my own company. I ended up working on some of the adjustments to the surveys we’d need for the next round in the field, and even had time to send some emails out.
As I started packing up my stuff, I looked around and noticed a few others still around, including Bonnie and Sam. I was about to walk out when Bonnie came over and popped her head over my cubicle wall.
“We’re good for tomorrow’s trip. The data that came in from the first survey looks great, so thanks for that, both of you.” She looked over at Sam, who was now standing and listening in on the conversation. “The way we ran the teams went so well, I think we should just go with that same strategy for this one.”
I was tempted to ask if she had added a keeper for Sam in case he decided to harass any more government partners, but I refrained. He had been on his best behavior since we had to save his ass.
“Sam, you’ll go with Nati, Solomon and Abe. Tsehay will be with her own team, and Desta, you can go with Elias and the two surveyors who rode with you before.”
As soon as I heard Elias’s name, my face felt hot. I cleared my throat, took a drink from my water bottle, and nodded without making eye contact. “Sounds good. Elias was great helping with the translation, and Abraham and Yohannes were awesome with the families. I’m excited for the next round!”
Down, boy.
Sam scoffed while putting away his stuff, but didn’t say a word. I almost wished he would so I could tell Bonnie all the different ways we’d kept him from fucking up the project in the last couple of weeks. Thankfully, for once, he kept his mouth shut.
Bonnie raised an eyebrow, which read “what’s with him,” but I just shrugged, too annoyed to even get into it.
He smirked and looked at me with an expression that wasn’t exactly friendly, but I could tell that he knew not to try me. “Desta and Elias work well together.” He stretched out that last word like an ass, but when I narrowed my eyes he backed off quick. “Anyways, I’m headed home. Teams sound good.”
That was as much of an olive branch as I was going to get from Sam, so I lifted my hand as he headed out and turned my focus back to Bonnie. “I’ll see you a week from tomorrow, then? I’ll connect with Elias tonight to make sure we’re on the same page for our departure time.”
She gave me a thumbs-up and seemed totally fine with me basically ignoring Sam. “Yes, I’ll be there for the second week. We’ll come up with a plan for the wrap-up then, before we cut you loose to go back to the U.S. of A.”
It was like someone had punched me in the stomach. The thought of leaving and not seeing Elias again made me feel hollow inside. I gave Bonnie a forced smile as I tried once again to get myself together. “Oh, I’m in no rush to get back to DC.”
That truth hit me hard. I didn’t feel ready to face any of the things that were awaiting me when I got home. At the top of the list was the apartment with all of Miguel’s stuff that he didn’t bother taking with him. So much baggage. And here I was piling even more up with whatever I was doing with Elias. I felt weighed down with all of it.
“Are you okay, Desta?” Bonnie’s worried voice broke me out of the chaos in my head and I did my best to come up with a smile.
“I’m good.” She didn’t seem to buy it, but I didn’t think I could sound more convincing if I tried. “Must be hungry. I’m going to head out. Hopefully I’ll find something open close to the guesthouse.” I slid on my backpack and waved to Bonnie.
“Have a good night.” She waved as I walked out of the room, her brows still furrowed from whatever she saw on my face.
I tried to shake off the funk I’d sunk into in the last few minutes as I walked out of the building, and remembered I told Bonnie I’d get in touch with Elias. Like I needed an excuse. I also wanted to know how his dad was doing, so I took out my phone and texted him.
Hey. How’s your dad? Bonnie confirmed you’d be driving us down for this trip. Can’t say I’m unhappy about that.
I stared at the phone for a few seconds and saw the three dots pop up as if he was typing a message, but then they disappeared. After another minute, no message came.
My heart sank. Disappointment made my limbs heavy. But what did I expect? Elias had a lot going on right now, and answering my needy texts was surely not at a priority. He was probably caring for his hospitalized father. I had to find something else to focus on, because Elias didn’t need my drama.
I got myself together and walked to the parking lot with the plan of asking one of the guards to call me a cab. Just as I was headed to the security gate, I saw Bonnie getting into her car. She frantically waved me over, and when I attempted to walk past her and play dumb, she yelled at me, “Where are you off to looking so damn grumpy?”
I stopped and veered in her direction, feeling bad for ignoring her when she was just trying to be friendly. I could at least not be so fucking rude to someone who’d been nothing but nice to me. I jogged up to her car as she rolled down her window. “What are you up to tonight, Ms. Watts?”
She did have the most amazing laugh. “Getting the hell out of here before I get stuck doing more work for my boss. He’s still in there.” She jerked her thumb over at the building we’d just left. “That man thinks taking the weekend off is optional.” That was said with an epic eye roll. “I’m about to meet some friends for dinner and drinks.” She patted the passenger seat, then pointed at me. “You’re welcome to come. Unless you’ve got other plans, of course.”
I took my phone out and saw Elias had still not answered, then shoved it back in my pocket and gave her a nod. “Sounds great, actually,” I told her as I started moving toward the passenger side.
She leaned over to unlock the door for me. “Come on then! It’s past six and there’s a glass of wine with my name on it.”
I jumped in, happy to have found a distraction, but I felt like an asshole too. I’d been so caught up with Elias, I’d made no effort to get to know Bonnie or anyone else from the office. It was about damn time I did.
Once we were on the road, she turned and gave me an assessing glance before returning her attention to the cluster of cars on the roundabout we were navigating. “Sam seems to have toned down his attitude.” She sighed, but I kept my mouth shut. “I heard what happened with the woreda official and I reamed him out for it.”
I wondered if she’d just invited me out to check-in about Sam’s assholic behavior. “I’m sorry I didn’t say anything.”
She shook her head without looking at me, but she didn’t seem too pissed. “He learned his lesson. And he’s well aware y’all saved his ass.”
“Sam, unfortunately, is not an anomaly in this line of work. On every job, there’s always a Sam. I’m perfectly capable of putting him in his place.” I thought of how Elias had to confront him. “What I don’t like is how he treats some of our Ethiopian colleagues.”
; “Yeah, that I won’t tolerate.” She pursed her mouth at that as she drove through the city. When we passed the gigantic black Lion of Judah sculpture, she pointed at it. “Have you seen this yet?”
I leaned to get a closer look and shook my head. “No. I’d only seen it in pictures,” I said, taking in the impressive monument, happy to change the subject.
“It was made in honor of the emperor’s jubilee,” she said with admiration.
I assumed she was talking about Haile Selassie, the last monarch of Ethiopia. “This place is sort of mind blowing.”
She clicked her tongue at that. “It is, and hard to leave. I came here for a year and just closed in on a decade.” We both laughed at that, but before I had time to talk, she went back to Sam. “Just so you know, I would never let him do or say anything that gets any of the local staff in trouble. We are guests here, and this work we do is a service. I believe that and expect every person who comes here to work to abide by it. I know Elias and Tsehay can stand up for themselves, but they shouldn’t have to. If anything else happens out there, let me know. Okay?”
I nodded at how grave she looked. It was good to know that she took all of this seriously. “Thanks, Bonnie. I will.” I sighed, looking out the window, my mind once again on Elias and wondering how he was doing.
“Elias is a great guy, you know? The best.” The way she said that seemed far from casual, and I squirmed in my seat, wondering if people had been talking about the two of us.
“Umm, yeah, he is,” I said cautiously, scrutinizing her face for any evidence that she was aware of what was going on with Elias and me, but she just kept driving in silence, wearing a neutral expression.
The restaurant was fantastic. The owner had been an executive for one of those high-end burger franchises in the States and had come back to Addis Ababa to start her own business with a similar model. They had three kinds of burgers, fries, wine, and beer. Simple menu, but everything was delicious and had something of the local flavors mixed in.
Finding Joy: A Gay Romance Page 14