by Ryan Michele
This is the part of being a damn parent I hate. The part where you know your kid is hurting inside, but he doesn’t exactly know how to express it, so it comes out in other ways. Then you, as the parent, have to figure out how to fix shit, even if you don’t really have the answers or, at least, the one your kids want to hear at the moment. Yeah, all that. This parenting shit is hard.
“Know Coop’s drivin’ now and gone a lot. Give it time. You’ll be there in five years, and you’ll be tight. You can’t do the shit he does. Don’t even fuckin’ try. Right now, it sucks ass. I get it. But you’re stronger than that, Deacon. There’s a line. You toe it on a daily basis, and sometimes, your ass falls over it. You live your life and don’t grow up so damn fast.”
He says nothing, but I can tell from his expression that he understands that I get him.
Ever since Coop got his learners permit, getting more freedom to go out into the world and explore, Deke’s been feeling it. They were so damn tight before that, like he and Nox are now. Things are changing in his world, and he’s not reacting right; hence, the acting up and being a little shit. I get it. Angel gets it. It’s just something he’s going to have to learn to deal with because it’s life. Do I know exactly what to say to him to make him get past it? No, but I can give him what I can.
“Can you not tell Mom?” he says, finally blowing over the Coop situation completely. I’ll let him have this one, at least right now, because there is a party to get to.
“If you think Princess isn’t going to tell her, you haven’t been paying as close attention as you think you have when it comes to those two.”
He puts his head in his hand. “It’s not really a big deal,” he mumbles.
I ruffle his hair. “No, it’s really not, but you can’t be doin’ that shit with the little ones.”
“I get it.”
“Good. Head out. I need to go find your mother.”
He gets up and leaves the room, and I rise and flip through the pages of the magazine still in my hand. It’s been years since I’ve seen this shit.
I toss it into the garbage. None of those pictures holds a candle to my Angel. No pussy is worth my time to look at that isn’t my wife’s, my ol’ lady’s. My hope for my boy is that he finds the same thing Angel and I have … one day.
I move out of the room, lock my door, and enter the main clubhouse area. Family and friends cover the place. Cooper didn’t want all of this fuss, but that’s not how we roll. When one of our own has a big birthday, like sixteen, we celebrate. That’s just how it is, and my nephew is going to have to suck it up, eat his damn cake, and let us sing happy birthday to him off key. It’s a rite of passage.
“Where’ve you been?” Dagger asks as I sit down and raise my hand for a beer. It appears quickly.
“Dealin’ with kid shit.”
Dagger laughs. “You’ll be dealin’ with that for the rest of your life.”
“You’ve only been doin’ the dad thing since Tanner rolled in,” I remind him.
A solemn look crosses his features. I know he’s remembering when he almost lost her. That shit tore him up. It’s something a parent never forgets.
Hell, I can remember when Deke hit his head on the coffee table. Having my boy hurt was harder than I ever imagined.
“Yeah, but now I’ve got grandbabies, so I’m makin’ up for lost time,” he says, shaking his head and snapping out of his moment.
“Where are Rhys and Tanner?”
“Be here in a bit. Tanner’s havin’ a hard time with this baby.”
Their first daughter, seven-year-old Rylynn, was easy. The baby Tanner is carrying now, not so much. He or she is stubborn, like its father, so I’m guessing it’s a boy.
“She all right?”
Dagger shrugs. “Mearna knows more about all that shit than I do. All I do know is the baby is ready to come out but is supposed to be in there for another few weeks. The baby’s healthy, though, so that’s good. Tanner feels like shit and is movin’ slow.”
“Bet Rhys is havin’ a ball,” I joke.
“That man … swear to Christ. Thought he was protective of Tanner. Then Rylynn came, and he took it to another level. Now with this baby … He’s lost his ever lovin’ mind.”
“There you are!” Angel calls, and I turn to see the two most beautiful girls in the world.
“Daddy!” Emery calls, rushing into my arms.
I hold her, kiss her head, and then set her on my lap. Even at eight, she’s tall, and I’m not liking the whole growing up shit. She even talked about liking a boy in her class. I shut that shit down really quickly. No fucking way is that happening.
Angel leans over and places her lips on mine. She still tastes like cherries, and I can’t get enough of it. She’s given me everything, and I fucking love her to death. The best thing that ever happened was her coming into my life.
I lean away from my man and take in the sight of him with our daughter. She gazes up at him like he rules her world, her superman or whatever hero-type person kids look up to these days.
After all these years and three children later, I couldn’t be happier than I am in this moment in my life. Having people around us who love us unconditionally, and most importantly, love my kids is what family is. It’s not blood; it’s loyalty.
The Ravage MC has been through too many painful times, too much loss and heartbreak. Luckily, that all changed, and I fully admit we are closer now than we were then. I didn’t think it could be possible, but it’s true.
“Where’ve you been?” GT asks as he squeezes our daughter, and she giggles.
She’s so beautiful. She got the best parts of both GT and me wrapped up in a gorgeous, little package.
Before I can answer, Emery says, “We had to stop and talk to Aunt Princess and Grandma. Mom got to talking, and you know how that is.” She nudges her father’s shoulder as I cross my arms over my chest.
He looks up at me and chuckles full-out, reading my thoughts of you little stinker.
“Anyway, she said I had to wait for her, so I tried to go talk to Austyn, but all she wants to do is stare at Ryker, and no, thank you.” She flips her hand in the air, full of attitude. “I’m not spending my time staring at some boy.”
That’s my girl right there. I’m proud and also frightened for the guy who does come to tackle her one day … far, far, far in the future.
Emery has no problems telling people what she thinks. She has no trouble standing up for what she believes is right. She’s fire. Right now, she is a spark that burns bright. One day, she will be fully ignited.
I fear that day. I have a feeling it will be the day she falls. From what, I’m not certain yet. I just hope I’m here to help her through it.
“You don’t need to be looking at any boy,” GT growls into Emery’s face. “I’ll fuckin’ shoot ’em.”
Emery chuckles.
While I know she’s aware he’s totally telling the truth, she always laughs it off. In her short time on earth, she has learned ways to calm her father without making them obvious. One is her laughter.
“She’s not.” I look around the room. “Where’s Deke?” As soon as we got here, Deke took off like a shot. That boy reminds me of his father growing up, and I pray I have the strength to survive it.
“Sent him off. Probably went to find some of the kids.”
My hackles go up because GT’s tone suggests to me that something happened, something he’s trying to hide from me. One thing with me is that you don’t hide anything when it comes to the kids.
“GT …” I warn low, and he sighs.
He kisses Emery on the temple and helps her hop down off his lap. “Go bug Dagger for a while.”
She gives a small pout but then dashes over to Dagger. Never thought he would be so damn good with kids, yet he catches her when she runs into his arms.
GT comes up to me and leans toward my ear. “Caught him showin’ Nox a pussy magazine.” I fee
l my eyes grow wide. “Now it’s all square. Talked to him. Cruz talked to the both of them. We’re good.” He pulls away with an expectant look on his face, one that says, Roll with it. I will not roll with it.
“Where did he get it?” I question. I cleared all of that stuff out of the house when I was pregnant. I even went through GT’s old boxes. He was and is a horn ball.
“My stuff.”
“Dammit, GT. He can’t be showing that stuff to Nox. Not only that, but he shouldn’t see it, either,” I growl at him as the anger spikes.
“I know. He knows. All of them know. It’s done and over with.”
“I don’t want my eleven-year-old kid looking at that, let alone my nine-year-old nephew.”
“I get that. It’s over. Let it go.”
I ball my hands into fists. He must see it because he covers my fists with his hands.
“Let it go. Makin’ a scene here at Coop’s party isn’t gonna do any good.”
While he’s right, I don’t want him to be.
“When Princess finds out, I won’t have to say a word. She’ll string Deke up by the feet and let the kids beat on him like a piñata,” I joke, letting the anger go. This isn’t the time, but I will be having a discussion with my son.
“Micah, watch out. You’re gonna run into the wall!” Blaze yells as she pulls at her boy’s arm, steering him away from the wooden wall. He doesn’t even look up from the tablet he’s on, yet somehow, he finds a seat.
“You’re here!” I hear my girl say as she runs up to Micah and throws her arms around him, giving him a huge hug.
He again says nothing, concentrating on whatever he is doing.
I watch my daughter’s face fall a bit as she pulls away, but she wipes it from her expression quickly. Yes, my girl has attitude, but she’s also got a heart. I hope it doesn’t get broken anytime soon, but she’s strong and a fighter. She won’t let it.
My anger flares at Micah. He’s missing so much in life with his head stuck in Minecraft all the damn time. I get it; he’s building stuff. But come on.
“Put it away,” I order, and he continues to play. “Micah,” I warn.
When he again doesn’t respond, I reach down and pluck the machine out of his hands. Only then do I get his attention.
“Mom, give it back. I was at a good part.”
I tuck the tablet into my purse. “No, go spend time with your family.”
Micah looks around the room, a room he’s been in hundreds of times. The same expression crosses his face as the others. Disgust. I’m not sure where Tug and I went wrong with him and the club, but he’s never liked it here.
He comes because I make him, but unlike the other kids, he would rather be anywhere else, and I hate that for him. I want him to feel the love of this family, to feel the unconditional support of when you’re down and out, and they have your back. He’s not there yet.
“What’s goin’ on?” Tug asks next to me, and I jump, not having heard him come up.
His eyes move from me to Micah, back and forth like a human lie detector or knowledge reader or something.
“I was in the middle of building my village, and Horbine came and blew up my stuff!” he huffs. “And Mom took it away, and now I can’t save any of it.”
“Horbine? What the ever-loving fuck is that?” Tug asks instead of dealing with the issue at hand.
“It comes into my buildings with TNT and blows everything up. I have to stop him, or everything I built will be destroyed.”
I want to roll my eyes. I’m so tired of hearing about Minecraft and this secret that or this code or whatever. I get it’s my kid’s thing, and I tried, I really did, but it’s not my thing … at all. I don’t understand it and have no clue how he does. It’s all these little boxes that confuse the hell out of me.
Micah’s intelligence is off the charts. He gets teased at school, but none of it affects him. Everything rolls off his back. Not once has he shed a tear or said a word. We have to hear about it from the teacher. It’s like he doesn’t care. He has a couple of friends, and he’s fine.
I don’t want that for my boy, but I’m not sure how to fix it.
“Unless it’s real TNT comin’ to blow up this clubhouse, I don’t wanna hear about it right now.”
A hush falls over the clubhouse, and I realize what he just said. That’s a little too close for comfort, but Tug keeps going while the pit of my stomach drops.
I hate remembering that time. The time when being safe was an uncertainty. I’m so thankful that it’s not anymore.
“Family time. Go figure somethin’ out,” he orders.
Eight years and we still don’t have the swing of this parenting thing, Tug and I. It’s something we need to figure out.
“Dad, come on,” Micah tries again, receiving Tug’s father look. That’s what I call it. “Fine,” he says, walking away and heading outside.
Tug wraps me in his arms and kisses me.
I inhale him, wanting nothing more than to climb inside him and stay there forever.
“Love you,” I say when he pulls away.
“Love you, too, babe.”
With one more smack of the lips, I pull away.
“Gonna talk to the guys,” I tell her, and she gives that gorgeous smile, the one I get to see every fucking morning when I wake up.
I’m a lucky son of a bitch, and I damn well know it.
Hot, sexy, and even after working at X until late at night, she’s always on it. Always on me. I feared, after having Micah, that part of our life would change. Thankfully, it hasn’t. If anything, it is so much better than before.
“I’m gonna go find Princess,” she tells me before giving me another kiss then turning away.
I slap her ass hard.
“Ouch!” she cries, but from the smile on her face, she liked it. There is never a dull moment around here; that’s for sure.
Content. Happy. Couldn’t ask for more.
“I swear, this baby needs to come out of me,” I groan as Rhys helps me out of the car.
“Mom, gross,” Rylynn, our seven-year-old, says then makes a gagging noise.
“Go,” Rhys orders.
Rylynn looks up at her dad. “Sure thing, Daddy.” She smiles and runs off.
I shut the door to the car. “Ya know, that sweet as pie crap she gives you is nothing like what I get.”
“I know, baby. Let’s get this one out of you, and then we’ll deal with Rylynn’s shit.” He wraps his arm around my protruding belly then helps me through the crowd of people.
I see Princess, Blaze, and Angel and waddle up to them. I can’t call it walking. That left me about two months ago when this baby grew bigger than blue blazes.
“You good?” Rhys asks as he scans the area, looking for his daughter. She’s always within eye range of him, even if she has to move so she can be. It’s sexy as all hell the way he protects her. And me, for that matter. We all know what being on the verge of death feels like, and none of us are going back there, including our children.
“Yeah,” I tell him then move to the girls, who all tell me hello, and Angel gets a chair for me.
I plop down. “Thanks. My feet are aching.” Even in flip flops, I feel like I have elephant feet from them being so damn swollen.
“How are ya?” Angel asks.
“Tired, cranky, and bitchy, so watch what you say,” I warn, being totally serious.
Princess full-out laughs so hard it echoes to the skies. Blaze gives a chuckle.
“Got it. Watch what’s said,” Princess says.
“You need anything?” Blaze asks, looking concerned.
I didn’t do a lot with myself today, like no makeup and just a brush through my hair, but I didn’t think I looked that bad.
“Do I look that bad?”
Princess, Blaze, and Angel all exchange looks, and I know, in that moment, I’m worse than I thought.
“Don’t answer that,”
I tell them as a tear falls from my eye.
When I had Rylynn, everything went so smoothly. I didn’t have the swollen feet or the face from hell with water gain. This one, not so much.
“Oh, honey, don’t cry,” Angel says, grabbing my hand as another tear trails down my cheek.
“I can’t help it,” I say through the wetness as the emotions swirl inside of me.
“You don’t look that bad,” Princess says, and the “that” was a little snippy, so I cut my eyes to her. She smiles and holds up her hands in surrender. “Relax there, momma tiger.”
My nose starts to run, so I swipe it with my hand. “It’s just, if I look this bad, what’s to say Rhys …” I can’t finish the thought. It hurts my heart to even think it. I know the mommas are around here. I also know that he’s been with only me. But there is always that fear in the back of my mind that he could have someone younger, prettier than me, especially now when I look like this.
“Oh, no,” Blaze starts.
“What’s goin’ on?” I hear Rhys’s deep voice and jump, wiping my face quickly, but it doesn’t matter. He sees it, anyway. He always sees.
“She feels fat and thinks you’re gonna go fuck a momma,” Princess blurts out, and my anger goes straight to her.
“Shut. Up,” I order through gritted teeth, surprising not only everyone around me, but myself, too. No one talks to her that way. Well, maybe Angel, but fuck it. I’m big, uncomfortable, and have to pee every five seconds. I don’t care.
“Tanner,” Rhys says as he pulls me up from the chair, takes my hand, and leads me over to one of the empty picnic benches. I have to sit on it facing out because my belly won’t fit.
Rhys kneels down in front of me, his knees in the grass.
I love this man more than life itself.
Fucking hell. What the fuck is wrong with my woman? I swear to Christ, I’ll be happy when this shit is over. No more kids. I’m fucking done with this. Her mood swings are kicking my ass, and I know she can’t control it, but fuck me, I want to scream.
I look up into her beautiful face. Not a drop of makeup on her, and she’s still the prettiest thing I’ve ever laid eyes on. Was the day I met her, is now, and will always be.