We arrived at airport departures, and as I was unloading my stuff, another well of tears began to stream down my face uncontrollably. I looked over at D who was pulling my board bag off the roof of the car for the last time, and I felt a pang of regret for not wanting what he wanted. Why? I thought to myself. Why is this happening?
Derek put my bag on the sidewalk and looked up to see the wet mess of my face. He reached out and pulled me into his chest. I wanted to pull away and maintain my distance and anger, but I couldn’t. Despite our parting ways, I just wanted to feel his love.
‘I’m sorry for hurting you, Zoe, I didn’t mean to,’ he said softly as he squeezed me harder.
With my face still buried in his chest and sobbing on his t-shirt, I told him, ‘I know. I’m sorry too.’
Derek let go and walked back around to the driver’s side. As he got in, he looked up to give me one more smile and a ‘take care, Zoe’ before getting in and driving away to return the rental car. The tears continued to roll down my face as I threw my backpack over my shoulder, grabbed my surfboard and bag, and made my way inside the airport to check in for my flight.
A hui hou, Hawaii. Until we meet again.
CHAPTER
7
I had a window seat in the third row of the economy section of the plane. One day it’s gonna be first class all the way, I said to myself as I put my backpack under the seat in front and settled into my chair. It’s a 10-hour flight to the Gold Coast, but I’m only 5’4” and used to flying long hours in tight spaces. I had done this particular flight many times before so I knew I could handle the journey without much fuss. Still, I secretly hoped nobody would sit beside me. I put on my headphones, turned on one of my playlists and closed my eyes, ready to zone out.
Flying, I’ve discovered, is great for personal reflection, and so I’ve come to cherish these moments of personal quiet time in between the craziness of contests. Even now, knowing that I was carrying a lot of darkness in my heavy heart, I was surprisingly okay with feeling my emotions. Besides, so much had already come out in the last 24 hours that I figured the worst of it was over.
I must have drifted off to sleep at some point, because the next thing I remember is being rattled awake by an annoying little boy behind me kicking the back of my seat with his teeny tiny shoes. Stupid brat, I thought as I turned around and peered through the gap between my seat and the one next to me. I saw some messy blonde hair on the head of a… 4-year-old? It’s hard to say when you don’t pay attention to that sort of thing. I kept staring straight into his squinty dark eyes until he stopped fidgeting long enough to notice me. Our eyes finally locked and I proceeded to give him my ‘look’. He stopped kicking immediately. I turned back around, feeling quite satisfied with my non-verbal communication, and noticed the guy next to me was getting his drink from the steward.
‘Ooh, I’ll have a rum and coke, please,’ I said when she looked my way.
Nothing like a little alcohol to help lighten the mood, right? I pulled down the tray table in front of me before reaching over to take the miniature bottle of rum and sad cup of ice that my mysteriously beautiful neighbour was passing over to me. I glanced over half-heartedly to meet his gaze as he introduced himself.
‘Hey, I’m Teo.’
‘Oh hi, I’m Zoe.’
Holy crap! This was my reaction as I looked into his crystal blue eyes. They were absolutely mesmerizing. I swear to God I felt as though he was staring straight into my soul, which made me feel extremely vulnerable. So vulnerable that, of course, I turned away quickly and concentrated on pouring the rum into the plastic cup. After taking a few sips, I carefully placed the cup back down on my tray, studiously committed to not looking back towards Teo.
I gazed out the window, in awe of the vast darkness of the sky. It made me think about the movie Interstellar, and I recalled how blown away I was at the infinite possibilities of the Universe, then at how narrow-minded we are about the concepts of time and space. We can’t even begin to understand what’s really happening ‘out there’, I thought.
Wait! I was having a dream before that kid woke me up! A memory was triggered by the thought of the movie. I remembered that the dream I’d been having was about feeling confined, trapped in a glass box on a busy street. I was banging on its walls, trying to get the attention of the people happily milling about around me. They were laughing and talking to one another, and everyone was floating or flying around me. But they couldn’t see or hear me. It was horrible!
‘The feeling of entrapment isn’t pleasant, is it?’ Teo said nonchalantly, clearly oblivious to the fact that he was trying to strike up a conversation with someone who didn’t want to chat. Or maybe he did realize but didn’t care. Regardless, I continued to gaze out the window even though he had caught my attention. I didn’t want to be enticed, but something about him was drawing me in, so I tried discreetly to get a better look at him out of the corner of my eye. I noticed his long, lean legs, which took up most of the space in front of him, and I assumed this was the ‘entrapment’ he meant. His black hair was short but shaggy, and I wondered if...
Damn, so much for discreet! Our eyes met. (I tried not to look, I swear!) He seemed thoroughly amused by my avoidance technique as he waited patiently for a response.
‘I don’t know,’ I replied, giving in. ‘I guess so.’
I still wanted to be irritated, but he chuckled at me in such a sweet way that it would’ve taken too much effort to maintain the façade.
‘Well, your thoughts are painting a much clearer picture than I guess so.’
I frowned in confusion. What? He was reading my thoughts?
‘Yes, I am, and you were dreaming about being stuck in a box. But don’t worry about that for now. Let’s just stay focused on the task at hand.’
Huh? Something strange was happening here. Something real strange. And my instincts, my tough girl instincts, wanted to put up a wall and block him out immediately. But once again, things went in the opposite direction and I felt compelled to participate. I didn’t know how or why or what – it’s just what happened.
‘What’s the task at hand then?’ I asked curiously, giving him my full attention now.
‘The task is to look at how you feel, based on the decisions you’ve made, and to realize that you don’t like what you’ve become.’
And bam! Just like that, he punched me in the gut… metaphorically speaking. But he didn’t stop there:
‘Let’s take it a step further and think of that box as a symbol of your self-imposed limitations.’
‘My what?’ He had me royally confused yet completely enthralled.
‘Your thoughts are the cause of your disappointment and upset. Nobody else is to blame for the reality of your situation.’
‘I’m not sure I’m blaming...’
But before I could finish my sentence he silenced me with a stare that was far more effective than the one I’d given to the kid behind me. I didn’t feel any contempt in it, and maybe that was the difference.
‘There’s a part of your mind that wants to play the victim in the experiences you’re having. But this is not the real you. This is the part of your mind we can call your ego. You are aware of this term, yes?’
‘Er, yeah, of course.’
He continued, ‘Anytime you have a negative or fearful thought, it’s coming from your ego. And because you don’t want to take responsibility for how this thought makes you feel, you blame others for it instead. For example, you blame Derek for making you feel hurt and betrayed and angry because of what he did to you.’
‘How did you know?’
‘Focus, Zoe, focus.’
Okay, so what is he saying? I wondered. Am I living in a self-inflicted box? And if so, how do I escape?
Turbulence hit and I woke with a jolt. My eyes shot open and I looked immediately to my right. The middle seat
was empty, just as it had been when the flight had taken off. Right at that moment, the steward leaned over her cart and asked if I would like something to drink.
‘Um, yeah, I’d love a rum and coke, thanks.’
CHAPTER
8
I spent the remaining hours of the flight in deep contemplation. Or was it confusion? Was there even a difference? I still wasn’t sure if I’d been dreaming or something else. What the heck had happened? I mean, obviously it must’ve been a dream, but how did it feel so freakin’ real?
I decided that whatever it was or wasn’t didn’t matter. What did matter was that I needed to deal with this damn box full of self-imposed limitations that I was apparently stuck in. That much rang true at least. I mean, I knew I was in a funk, but I was the one responsible for getting there. I made a decision right then and there to free myself from my ego – from the fear and doubt that had me placing blame and playing victim to my circumstance. Yep, any and all self-imposed limitations had to go. It felt good to make this decision in my mind. But now what?
I realized it was going to require a little bit more effort beyond the decision itself. But what kind of effort? I pondered away at this for a little while and acknowledged my enjoyment of alone time. And since being alone would require me to steer clear of distractions, I thought it would be a good way to start this new process of ‘figuring things out’. Yep, solitude was my friend.
Plus, without Derek in the picture, even though I already missed him, it eliminated much of the distraction. Whether I had been selfish in our relationship or not (the jury was still out on that one, if you ask me), there was no doubt in my mind that I’d poured tons of energy into it, which now made me see how out of touch with myself I had become. Wow! I have so much me-time to catch up on! Where have I been?
It was so weird. Just taking this brief moment to turn the attention back on me, gave me instant clarity. No wonder I haven’t been performing well! Geez! Why did I concede so many of my non-negotiables in my relationship with D? I vacillated between sadness and excitement as I came to grips with this new perspective. Yes, Derek’s role had come to include being my coach, and yes coaches are hired because the athlete believes the coach knows better, but in the process of listening to him, I had stopped trusting my own instincts. And this new pattern had decidedly rolled into our romantic relationship as well.
Why the heck did I become insecure in so many aspects of my life? It was a profound question, if I do say so myself, and the anticipation I felt in finding the answer helped me feel better, like I was on a journey rather than a detour. I took note that relationships could be either super helpful or super distracting. I decided that mine had started out helpful, only to become a distraction, and immediately began to feel a cloud of negativity hover over me. Ugh! I can’t believe I let him do this to me! How could I be so stupid?
But before I could venture any further down the well of self-pity, the stupid brat behind me began kicking the back of my seat again. I swiftly turned around to yell at him (c’mon, I was in no mood for this), but instead my elbow knocked over my drink, spilling the melted ice and remnants of the drink onto my tray.
‘Argh!’ I wanted to scream out loud but was able to keep my frustration to myself as I used the little napkins to wipe up the mess. The lady sitting in the aisle seat kindly handed me a cleansing wipe that she pulled out of her purse for me.
‘Oh, uh, thank you so much,’ I said politely.
‘No problem, sweetie. I have two little grandkids and these wipes are a lifesaver!’
I could tell she was proud. Okay Zoe, c’mon, bring it back. Focus. What did that guy... Ted? No. Teo? Yes, that was it. Is that what he meant about the ego and playing the role of victim? I felt a flash of inspiration despite the lingering negativity, and decided that the only way to crawl out of this state of confusion was via a personal declaration – a declaration that would help me to regain confidence. But how?
Well, what if I only said ‘yes’ to the things I wanted to say yes to? I also wanted to give myself permission to change my mind whenever I desired. I figured this would be a good way to get back in touch with who I was and what I wanted. But then I wondered if this would even be possible given the obligations I had with my sponsors and fans, especially when I already knew that some of those obligations weren’t appealing to me, like, at all. Safe to say I didn’t know how this was all going to work out. A miracle, perhaps? All I did know was that, for now, I had to pay attention to how I felt about any work I was being asked to do, either by others or of my own accord. From this point on, I officially resign from saying ‘yes’ when I really mean ‘no’, and that’s all there is to it.
I reached down and fumbled around in my backpack looking for my pen and ‘everything book’, where I would journal, doodle, write my to-do lists, all sorts. I opened the notebook to a new page and stared at it blankly, waiting to be magically inspired. Feeling ridiculous and even embarrassed by my own lack of creativity, I thought back to life B.D. (before Derek) and reflected on my optimistic I-can-do-anything attitude and my excitement for all of the awesome that I knew was ahead. My, how things had changed...
I closed my eyes and took a long, deep breath in. I held my breath for as long as I could, trying to maximize the amount of air I could hold in my lungs. And then, as I slowly exhaled, I wrote down the words that came to me:
I WILLINGLY RECEIVE ABUNDANCE IN ALL ASPECTS OF MY LIFE, THROUGH THE UNIVERSAL GATEWAY OF MIRACLES AND MAGIC.
I read it a few times, clueless as to where it had come from and not even understanding exactly what it meant. But hey, maybe I didn’t need to? It came to me and I liked it, so wasn’t that a good enough start? Besides, the idea of experiencing more magic was like music to my ears, especially because everything had just gotten too darn regimented, even in my supposedly free-spirited line of work.
So there it was, a declaration that had come out of nowhere. Or had it?
I closed the book, leaned back, and shut my eyes.
FIND A NEW FLOW
CHAPTER
9
The long flight helped me to shed a layer of my old ‘self’, the way a snake sheds its skin. And even if it was just a teeny tiny thin little layer, it was enough for me to own the fact that a new chapter of my life had just begun.
You may be thinking, ‘Duh, you broke up with your boyfriend and then got on a plane headed to Australia! Of course, it’s a new chapter, Zoe.’ But I’m talking about change on an internal level. It’s like when my mom left and I couldn’t move on until I fully admitted to myself that she wasn’t coming home.
Well, the page had definitely turned. Derek and I had broken up for real, and there was no turning back.
After waiting 15 minutes for my oversized luggage and spending another 15 getting through customs, I finally entered the arrivals area of the already bustling Brisbane International airport and headed straight outside with all of my stuff. Ah! The subtropical onshore breeze was heaps better than that freezing cold air-conditioned airport...
I’d already texted Sophie when the plane landed, so I proceeded to the pick-up zone, sure she was already driving around here somewhere. She was also up to speed that Derek wouldn’t be with me, because of the brief email I’d sent her before the flight to let her know that we’d broken up. I stood by the kerb to make sure she could spot me, and also because I didn’t want to sit down again. My back was sore and I needed to stretch it out while I had the chance before sitting in her car for the next two hours.
She pulled up in a fancy, shiny, dark blue Land Rover Discovery, yelling ‘Zozo!!!’ out the window. This was her fave nickname for me, among many.
‘Fancy car, chica!’ I said with a grin as she got out and walked around back to give me a hug.
Sophie was around 5’9”, so she had a good 4 inches on me, along with a strong, well-built frame. She stooped, wrapped her long ar
ms around me, and gave me a real good squeeze.
‘Awww babe, it’s so good to see you!’ she said, hugging me even tighter.
‘You too, S, thanks for picking me up.’
We chucked all of my bags into the spacious SUV, hopped in and began the drive down the coast.
I spent most of the ride ‘home’ listening to Sophie. I think she could tell I wasn’t in the mood for an extensive conversation just yet. I was tired, and still emotional from the last 48 hours. I mean c’mon, a break-up, a long flight, and a strange encounter with a beautiful soul was all too much to verbalize at that point, at least in a way that wouldn’t come across as crazy. Plus, the motion of the car was rocking me into a doze. Luckily, S’s acute observation skills and emotional intelligence spared me the frustration of having to chat, as she filled me in on life since we last spoke properly about a month ago. She caught me up on her family, like how her little brother was an avid skateboarder and surfer now, which meant he was always getting texts from random girls crushing on him, and like how her mum was killing it in her online jewellery biz, and her dad was still happy doing his real estate thing and playing golf.
‘S, your family is always amazing!’ I meant it too.
‘I know, I’m pretty lucky, hey?’ she said with a big grin.
That’s one thing I loved about S. She didn’t hide the fact that she came from an extremely generous and supportive family. It’s rare to see this kind of dynamic nowadays, I think, not to mention the fact that her folks are still happily married. I liked that she was proud to own it.
Surfer Girls Kick Ass Page 4