Never mind. I will wait. I will wait until the time is right. I was in too much of a hurry. I see that now. And I should have kept a closer eye on those fools. I should never have left them and those puppies alone in Hell Hall. But I couldn’t wait. I had to tell Mama what I had in mind. I had to tell her I would finally make her grandest wish come true. I made mistakes. I should never have left those fools alone in Hell Hall and I should never have gone to my mother empty-handed. I shouldn’t have told her my plan before it was complete. I see that now. I’ve learned my lesson.
I mean, darlings, you’ve already read about it in all papers, haven’t you? It would be boring for me to tell you about it. But let’s say you don’t read the trash rags, or have somehow never picked up a newspaper in your life or seen my face splashed all over the news. Let’s say you haven’t seen those tearful interviews with Anita and her fool Roger recounting how I came swooping into their lives and stole their puppies. I know you have, but for argument’s sake, I’ll tell you anyway.
I called Anita shortly after our coffee date and I told her everything I had originally planned to tell her that day. How she was right. How I detested my mama. How she’d taken everything from me. Not that I meant a word of it, mind you. But I had to make her believe. I told her to make her sweet, simple soul sorry for me. I wanted those puppies. And who better to give them to than a brokenhearted, abandoned widow? As I predicted, Anita agreed that I could have them. She always was a simple fool.
But I made a tragic mistake.
I went by the house to say hello and check on Perdita’s progress. I should never have tried to pretend Anita and I were still friends. What I could hide easily on the phone was impossible to conceal in person. My contempt for her, Roger, and their stupid dogs was written on my face from the minute I first looked at their dull faces. I couldn’t stand to be in their hovel of a house—and Roger knew it.
At the time I thought I’d played my role remarkably well. I was the sad, lonely wretch I needed to be so she would feel sorry for me and give me those puppies. I played the roll magnificently. I stood on the doorstep, ready to make my grand entrance, when I heard voices from inside.
That fool Roger was singing! Oh, it was too much, too much I tell you. Then I heard the words to the song. He was singing about me!
Evil Thing? Evil Thing, can you believe it?
Rage seethed through me. Well, I would show them. I would give the grandest performance of my life!
And then it happened. I rang the bell, and who opened the door but Mrs. Baddeley! I was only momentarily thrown off by seeing the dumpy woman standing in Anita’s doorway. Was this the servant she had told me about in her letters? The one they called Nanny? They didn’t have children! Anita must still look to her as some sort of mother figure. Oh, who knows. Who cares? Not me. I pretended not to recognize the fool, pushing her aside and focusing my gaze on Anita. It was the best, most spectacular entrance I had ever made.
I swooped right into Anita and Roger’s. I walked into that house and I was ravishing. Black dress, jade jewelry, my white fur coat lined in red, and red shoes!
“Anita, darling!” I said, my arms outstretched. I really was too much. Too much fabulousness for that little hovel.
“How are you?” asked the little woman in her little house, her voice as soft and timid as a mouse. Ha! I rhymed! And better than that Roger does in his silly jingles. Of course I’d heard Roger’s insipid song about me while I was standing on their doorstep, and I’d heard their conversation. So Anita told Roger how I’d watched after her in school. How I’d defended her. He called me her dearly devoted schoolmate, and so I was. Now I was going to call in on that friendship. It was time she repaid me for all the trouble I’d gotten into standing up for her. Time I was repaid for all those nights she lived at my house, ate my food, and grew close to my servants. Time I was repaid for them loving her more than they loved me.
And then I remembered. I was supposed to be striking a tragic figure, not an impossibly magnificent one. I thought I’d better tone it down. I had to remember I was the grieving, abandoned widow, after all. I was lonely and sad and needed puppies to bring cheer to my dreary, empty life.
“Miserable, darling, as usual. Perfectly wretched,” I said. I had to keep up appearances, didn’t I? Perdita was nowhere to be seen, and that goofy-faced Pongo was under my feet as I searched their little flat, trying to find the wretched beast.
“Where are they? Where are they? For heavens’ sakes, where are they?” Where was Perdita? I couldn’t find her, and I didn’t see a solitary puppy anywhere. I was promised puppies! How was I going to distinguish myself without those damn puppies? Oh this was a mess.
“Who, Cruella? I don’t—” Anita began.
Who? Who? Who in hell do you think I mean? I thought. My goodness, what an idiot Anita had turned into. And it was no wonder with all the racket coming down from the attic. That damnable horn-blowing fool was up there making a menace of himself. I have no idea how Anita lived with such a horrible man!
“The puppies, the puppies!” I said. “No time for games. Where are the little brutes?” I almost let the puppy out of the bag with that one. Cruella, watch yourself. Anita needs to think you want to love and protect the beasts.
“Oh! It’ll be at least three weeks. No rushing these things, you know,” she said, not even blinking an eye. Maybe she hadn’t heard me call them brutes. Roger was playing his music so loudly I could barely hear myself think.
“Anita, you’re such a wit,” I said, deciding I needed to butter her and that wretched Pongo up. “Here, dog, here. Here, dog.” But the beast only growled at me.
“Cruella, isn’t that a new fur coat?” asked Anita. I guess it was new to her. It was the coat Mama had gotten me for my twenty-fifth birthday. But I wasn’t going to tell her that. As far as Anita knew I now hated my mama.
“My only true love, darling. I live for furs. I worship furs. After all, is there a woman in all this wretched world who doesn’t?” And it was true. My plan was coming together even more as I heard my own words. There wasn’t a woman alive who didn’t love furs, and my mother was clearly no exception. She loved them even more than I did. Good grief, I thought. Does that horrible man have to play his horn so loudly? It really was getting on my nerves.
“Oh, I’d like a nice fur, but there are so many other things—” Anita started to say, but I cut her off.
“Sweet, simple Anita. I know, I know! This horrid little house is your dream castle,” I said. “And poor Roger is your bold and fearless Sir Galahad!” I said, laughing.
“Oh, Cruella,” Anita said quietly. I knew that tone. It was the one she used when I had gone too far. She used it all throughout our childhood, the condescending little twit. But I had forgotten myself. Don’t be a fool, Cruella. Don’t mess this up. Pick another topic. Say something sweet.
“And then of course you have your little spotted friends,” I said, transfixed by a photo of Pongo and Perdita. “Oh yes. Yes, I must say, such perfectly beautiful coats.” I had to get out of there before Anita realized what I was up to. It was clear Pongo didn’t trust me, and I have to admit, I found it difficult playing my role. It was like the day when I had yelled at Jackson and my mama, after Jack died. I’d seen myself acting out, saying things I hadn’t intended, but I couldn’t help myself. The same thing was happening with Anita. I’d have it in my head to say something sweet to her, say something kind about that fool Roger, but when I opened my mouth only the truth came out. I had no idea what was happening to me. It was maddening.
“Won’t you have some tea, Cruella?” Anita asked. But I had to go. If I stayed one more moment she was going to catch on.
“No, I’ve got to run, darling. Now let me know when the puppies arrive. You will, won’t you, dear?”
“Yes, Cruella,” Anita said, like the good girl she was. She never could say no to me.
“Now, don’t forget it’s a promise,” I said, and I left as quickly as I could. “See
you in three weeks. Cheerio. Cheerio, darling!”
The plan started out well enough, wouldn’t you say? Even with my little blunders I had that stupid Anita eating out of the palm of my hand. I’d seen where she lived. It was worse than I had imagined. There was no way she could afford two dogs and their puppies, and she would never go back on a promise. She wasn’t the sort. Besides, Perdita was mine. The least she could do was give me her puppies. Everything was going exactly as I had planned.
Anita called me at Hell Hall early one evening about three weeks later to let me know the puppies were arriving. She seemed like she regretted saying I could have them. Like she was trying to figure out how to wriggle her way out of her promise. Well, I wasn’t going to let her. I drove over there straightaway. Even if I couldn’t have the puppies that evening, and I had to wait until they were old enough to leave their mother, I still wanted to see them. They were mine! Mine, I say.
Mrs. Baddeley let me into the house and showed me to the living room before she ran off to the kitchen to rejoin Roger and Anita. I do believe she was afraid to be alone in the room with me! I paced in the living room, waiting for my puppies to be born while everyone else fretted and cooed over Perdita and Pongo. And then I heard the news. I heard Mrs. Baddeley’s bellowing from the living room. “The puppies! The puppies are here!” she yelled. And then came Roger’s voice.
“How many?”
Eight? Did I hear her say there were eight puppies? My goodness. What I could do with eight puppies. It was going even better than I planned. Eight puppies. And then the woman bellowed again.
“Ten!” Ten puppies. I couldn’t believe it. I continued to pace in the living room, but I could hear everything going on in the kitchen.
“Eleven!” yelled Mrs. Baddeley, and the number of puppies kept rising. Now this was even better than I’d hoped for. It was a miracle! I waited for what felt like an eternity for everyone to come out of the kitchen. They were whispering in there about something. They were talking in hushed tones; I could hardly hear them. And then I heard it. Fifteen puppies. I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to see them.
“Fifteen puppies! Fifteen puppies! How marvelous, how marvelous, how perfectly … Ugh.” Wait. Something wasn’t right. They didn’t have their spots! Anyone could make a white fur coat. Even I had one of those, for heaven’s sake. I wanted spotted fur! It had to be spotted; it had to be special! I was robbed! I was lied to! What had that Perdita been up to? White puppies, indeed. “Oh, the devil take it, they’re mongrels, no spots! No spots at all. What a horrid little white rat!” I said, looking at the ugly creature in Mrs. Baddeley’s arms.
“They’re not mongrels!” yelled Mrs. Baddeley. “They’ll get their spots. Just you wait and see!”
“That’s right, Cruella. They’ll have their spots in a few weeks,” said Anita, coming out of the washroom.
“Oh, well in that case, I’ll take them all. The whole litter. Just name your price, dear,” I said. I knew she was only expecting me to want a few of them. She had promised me the litter before she knew how many puppies Perdita was carrying. Well, I intended to take them all.
Anita looked pained. “I’m afraid we can’t give them up. Poor Perdita, she’d be heartbroken.”
She’d changed her mind. She went back on her promise! I was livid, but I tried to play it cool.
“Anita, don’t be ridiculous. You can’t possibly afford to keep them. You can scarcely afford to feed yourselves,” I said. But Anita wasn’t budging.
“I’m sure we’ll get along,” she said, her mind made up.
“Yes, I know. I know. Roger’s … Roger’s songs!” I couldn’t stop laughing. “Oh, now really, enough of this nonsense. I’ll pay you twice what they’re worth. Come now, I’m being more than generous.” I took out my checkbook, even though I barely had two quid to rub together. “Blast this pen! Blast this wretched, wretched pen, ah!” It was really quite funny, when I think of it now. The ink sprayed all over Roger. “When can the puppies leave their mother? Two weeks? Three weeks?” I asked. I could hardly wait.
“Never.” It was Roger. He’d found his voice. That stammering fool said he wasn’t going to give me a single puppy! I had to ask Anita if he was serious. I mean, really, how can you take such a man seriously? He was a joke. A laughingstock. Imagine, a man like him trying to stand up to me. And Anita? Well, if she wanted to be a fool’s dishrag then that was her misfortune. I was through with her. Through with all of them.
“I’ll get even. Just wait. You’ll be sorry, you fools! You idiots!”
My henchmen, Horace and Jasper, told me all about it. How they locked that idiot Mrs. Baddeley up in the attic and took the puppies. She always was an old fool, and now she was an even older fool than before. They tricked the old woman, not that it took much trickery on their part. They waited until Anita and Roger took Perdita and Pongo for a walk, then simply rang the doorbell and made up a lie, pretending they were there to fix the electric or gas or something. Simple. And oh, what a stir it made. You’d think someone had kidnapped the Queen the way everyone was acting. It was in all the papers! And it really was very amusing, seeing Anita and Roger’s photos. Reading that frumpy old woman’s account of the story. I laughed when I read all the headlines. I couldn’t help myself. I mean really. Such a fuss over a bunch of puppies. I was staying in a hotel in London, Mama’s treat. She was in town staying at the same hotel, and we were meeting for dinner. I just had to tell her about my plans. I couldn’t wait to see the look on her face when I told her what I was up to. What I had in mind. My master plan. Oh, it was too divine. She would be so proud of me.
I had it all planned out. I had those fool henchmen staying in Hell Hall with the puppies while I was tucked safely away in my hotel room. There was no way I was going to be connected to those puppies or those idiots Horace and Jasper if Scotland Yard came poking around. Thank goodness Mama was in town.
But the papers. Oh, the papers. They were a gas! I read them in bed, taking delight in everyone’s misery while I was waiting for my hair to set. I had a marvelous evening planned with my mama and I wanted to look my best.
“Dognapping! Tsk, tsk. Can you imagine such a thing? Fifteen puppies stolen. But they are darling little things.” I was suffering from fits of laughter. “Anita and her bashful Beethoven. Pipe and all! Oh, Roger, you are a fool!” I honestly couldn’t remember when I’d felt better. It was all too delicious. It was the most delightful evening I’d had in ages, since Jack was alive. It was all too wonderful. I had the puppies hidden away at Hell Hall, and I thought I had gotten away with it! My revenge on Anita and her fool of a husband. Saying no to me! Making up wretched songs about me. Me! Cruella De Vil! I’d taught them a lesson they would never forget. Maybe I would send Anita a little coat, as a thank-you gift. She’d said she would like one, after all. But of course that jumped-up musician of hers couldn’t afford to buy her one. Why not send her a little gift? Oh, she’d lost her chance at a wonderful life, traveling the world with me!
But I mustn’t dwell in the past. I thought everything was going brilliantly, and I couldn’t wait to tell Mama what I was up to. She would be so proud of me! Her daughter, the first ever to make fur coats out of spotted puppies. And she would adore it! She’d wanted a muffler all those years ago, and this would be so much more magnificent. Everything was going brilliantly.
Of course I didn’t much care for having Scotland Yard investigate me, calling me in for questioning. Me! I know it was Roger who sent them sniffing around me. They had posters plastered all over the city, and the newspapers were splashed with those puppies and those fools’ faces. Between that and Scotland Yard taking an interest in the case, those imbeciles Jasper and Horace were nervous.
They called me at the hotel even though I had forbade them. I thought it was Mama calling me to confirm our dinner later, but it was Jasper.
“Hello? Jasper, Jasper you idiot! How dare you call here?” I couldn’t believe he was calling me at the hotel. Simplem
inded ghoul that he was, he couldn’t follow even the simplest of instructions.
“But we don’t want no more of this, we want our boodle!” This was too much. Just too much. Did I really have to hold their hands while I was trying to get ready for an evening out with my mama? Why on earth was I paying these idiots from what little I had left?
“Not one shilling until the job’s done. Do you understand?” I said. There was no way I was going to pay them for a job half done! But they wouldn’t relent.
“It’s here in the blinking papers, pictures and all!”
“Hang the papers! It’ll be forgotten tomorrow,” I said. And it was true. Who cared about a bunch of puppies anyway? Tomorrow the world would find something else to get upset over.
“Ah, shut up, you idiot!” he said. I couldn’t believe it!
“What?”
“Oh no! Not you, miss. I mean Horace here.”
“Why, you imbecile!” And I hung up the phone. This was all too much. Too much. I decided I’d better call Anita and see if there was anything to Jasper’s anxiety.
These idiotic henchmen were playing havoc with my nerves. This was the last thing I needed before I met Mama. The last thing. Someone finally answered the phone. It was that ridiculous stammering Roger.
“Hello, hello, Inspector?” he stammered. Ah, so they had been speaking to the inspector!
“Is Anita there?” I asked.
“Who?” he asked. My stars, what a fool!
“Anita!”
“Oh, it’s for you,” he said coldly, passing the phone to Anita. Her sweet voice was a nice change from Roger’s accusatory tone.
“Hello?”
“Anita, darling!”
“Oh, Cruella.” She did not sound happy to hear from me.
“Oh, Anita, what a dreadful thing. I just saw the papers. I couldn’t believe it.”
“Yes, Cruella, it was quite a shock. Roger, please!” That fool must have been chattering in her ear during our entire conversation. I didn’t hear what he was saying, but I’m guessing it wasn’t anything nice. “Yes, yes, we’re doing everything possible,” she said.
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