by Sienna Parks
“Sure thing. I’ll just grab my keys.” Something is troubling him. I can hear it in his voice.
“You okay?” He gives me a tight smile and nods, extricating himself from my embrace.
I’m not going to push him. He obviously doesn’t want to talk to me about whatever is bothering him. I get the feeling it has something to do with the phone call earlier, but there’s no point in pressing it. I’m just going to enjoy the time I have left with him and push reality, and the fact that I know next to nothing about this man, far from my mind. I knew coming into this weekend that this can’t go any further, so I need to make sure I don’t let myself get too attached to him - I’m already screwed. We jump in the car and head out to the East Hampton Marina.
The weather is perfect, as we stroll hand in hand looking in local shops, watching the boats in the marina and generally just soaking up the atmosphere. Xander stops in front of a particularly nice looking seafood place.
“What do you think? Do you want to eat here?” This is the first he’s really spoken since we left the house.
“Sure. Looks lovely, you want to sit inside or out?”
“Outside is perfect. Pick a table and I’ll be back in a minute.” He ducks into the restaurant while I sit down at a beautiful little table with a perfect panoramic view of the marina.
I feel his breath on my neck before he speaks. “I’ve been remiss, Miss Tate. I neglected to tell you how spectacular you look today.” Slipping his hand under the fabric of my top, he cups my breast with his warm strong hand. “Mmm, I love this top, sweets, and your legs go on forever in these little shorts.” A blush creeps over my cheeks at his words.
He pulls a seat round next to mine and slings his arm around my shoulder. “I’ve ordered the seafood platter and a nice bottle of wine. I hope that’s okay.” I nod; happy to acquiesce to his choices.
We have a lovely meal, chatting and laughing as his good mood returns, circling his fingers on my thigh as we eat. When we’re done, he won’t let me pay, and I don’t feel like an argument, so I let him settle the bill and spend the rest of the afternoon enjoying his company.
As I pack my overnight bag, a sadness creeps in, settling in my stomach. This weekend has been perfect, and being around Xander just feels so… right. I’m going to miss him when we go our separate ways.
He takes the bags out to the car, and we’re ready to leave. I take a moment to memorize this beautiful place where Xander awakened a sexuality in me that I didn’t know was there.
It’s pretty quiet on the way home, and I notice he isn’t driving as fast as he did yesterday. Maybe he isn’t so keen to get back to reality either.
I decide to break the silence. “Thank you for this weekend. I had such a wonderful time, and the house was just beautiful.”
“You’re welcome, Miss Tate. I had a great time, too, but if you had such a nice time, why do you look so sad?” He says, resting his hand on my thigh.
“I guess… it’s just a shame to leave our little bubble and return to reality. You’ll go back to your life, and I’ll go back to mine.”
He squeezes my thigh. “You don’t think you’re getting rid of me that easily, do you? I want you to be a part of my life, Lily.” As much as I want to believe him, I can’t shake the feeling that he’s keeping something from me,
“You don’t have to pretend. I don’t expect anything when we get home. You run your own company. You’re super successful. I Googled you. I’m just a college student with no prospects.” My heart sinks as the words leave my mouth, the realization hitting me that it bothers me much more than I want it to. This was only our first date for crying out loud. “Besides, I don’t think I could deal with the fall out when you’re done with me if I let this go on any longer.” I turn my head to stare out the window, trying to hide the tears forming in my eyes. I do not want his lasting memory of me to be a pathetic crying mess in his car.
“Look at me.”
“I can’t.”
“Goddammit, Lily. Look at me. Now.”
I turn to face him. His hands gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles are white. When I finally make eye contact, I’m frozen. I couldn’t look away even if I tried. His eyes are no longer icy-blue - they’re dark and menacing.
“Firstly, why the hell would you Google me? Secondly, why didn’t you mention any of this before putting my cock in your mouth? And thirdly, is that really what you think of me? That I would use you like that?”
A flash of pain mars his flawless features before anger returns.
“Am I missing something here? Did we not have the same fucking weekend? What am I saying? Of course we didn’t.” I hate seeing him like this; annoyed with himself, because of me.
“I was dumb enough to think it meant something. I’m such a fucking idiot. You would think I’d learn from experience. I love how my past can still fuck with my life, even now.”
Oh my God. I’m pretty sure he didn’t mean to tell me all of that, but I need to take the opportunity. “Your past?”
“I don’t like talking about this stuff.” I can’t speak; a crushing dread pressing down on my chest. “Do you think it’s easy for me to date? It’s not. Sure, I can get girls who want a quick fuck and some nice gifts, but they don’t want me for me. I thought you were different, but the goddamn Google search says otherwise. Lily, this weekend meant something to me, and I hoped it did to you, too.”
“Oh God. It did… It… ”
“Don’t. Just… don’t.”
The drive is endless, the silence deafening. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t find the words to make it better. I’m not ready to leave him and return to my apartment - alone. I already miss him and I’m still in the car. It’s around eight o’clock when we pull up outside my apartment. He jumps out of the car to grab my bag and places it down next to me.
Without a word, his hands travel up my body to clasp the back of my head, lifting my face to his. He closes the gap between us, lowering his lips to mine, kissing me with a soul-melting intensity. I part my lips to allow his tongue to tangle with mine, stroking, flicking, exploring. It’s the best kiss of my life. When he breaks the connection, he leans his forehead against mine, calming his breath, allowing me to do the same.
“God, I’m going to miss you.”
I run my hands up and down his back. “Me too. Xander, I’m sorry…”
“Goodbye, Miss Tate.”
With those final words, he jumps in the car, and I watch as he runs his hands continuously through his hair. I take one last chance to soak him in before heading up to my apartment. How could I have fucked up so badly?
XANDER
I can’t believe I thought this girl was different. I watch as she disappears into the building, taking my misplaced hopes with her.
From the moment I met Lily, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about her. I’m not usually this aggressive in pursuing women, and if I’d known she was the type to Google me, I would never have done the things I did with her this weekend. I knew from the moment I first looked in her big green eyes, she had the power to hurt me. But, I thought it was worth the risk.
As I throw the car into gear and peel away from the curb, my heart is pounding. I’m breaking every traffic law there is, but I’m so fucking angry with myself. The radio is blaring in my ears when I hear the faint ringing of my phone, and I hate that I want it to be her – telling me she’s different, that this weekend meant something to her. It’s Carter. Against my better judgment I answer.
“Hey, Rhodes. You still at my fuck-pad in the Hamptons?”
“Shut the fuck up, Carter. I’m back in the city.”
“Your dick broken already? That must have been some epic fucking. Lily must have some skills.”
“Say another word about her and I’ll choke the life out of you. Where are you anyway?”
“At the club. What’s up? You don’t sound too good.”
“I’m coming over. Have a good bottle of Scotch
ready in ten – not that shit you serve your customers.” I end the call, drop a gear, and speed through the streets of Manhattan. I want to hunt down the C.E.O of Google and kick his ass. It’s the nail in the coffin of my dating prospects. Women see me in the society pages, or my name on a new project and suddenly they know everything about me. Alexander Rhodes – free ticket to a life of luxury. Doesn’t matter if they don’t like me, they’d happily fuck me to reap the rewards. I know a lot of guys in my situation love no strings attached, but I‘ve never been that guy. I’ve always been in love with the women I sleep with – or at least I thought I was in love with them at the time. Maybe that makes me a fool. Maybe it’s time to take a leaf out of Carter’s book and bang every hot girl that offers herself to me on a silver platter.
I pull up in front of Cube – Carter’s nightclub. I hate clubs at the best of times, but his office in the back is a great place to get really drunk and talk shit. I throw my keys at the valet, and give the doorman a nod as I walk inside.
The music is so loud it resonates in my chest - the bass thudding in time with my heart. There are half-naked women everywhere I look, but I don’t even want to waste my time on some meaningless slut. I push my way through the crowds to Carter’s office, and sure enough, he has a glass waiting for me – Scotch on the rocks.
“Hey, man. Thanks for letting me use the Hamptons house this weekend. Here’s your key.” I throw it down on the desk with absolute distain in my voice.
“What the fuck happened to you? Did this girl’s pussy bite?”
I stare him down, furious at the mention of Lily. “Fuck off. I don’t want to talk about it. I came here to get drunk.”
“You’re not the ‘get drunk’ type, so spill. I thought you liked this girl.”
“I did… I do.” I down my drink and swipe the bottle from Carter’s desk, pouring myself a generous glass this time.
“Give me that.” He pulls the bottle from my reluctant grasp and sits back in his chair, eyeing me warily as he fills his glass. “Talk to me. You came here to get something off your chest. What is it? Was the sex bad or something?”
“Is everything about sex with you?”
A sly smirk creeps across his lips. “Fucking right it is! Take a lesson from my playbook – I’m the happiest motherfucker you know.”
“I call bullshit on that one. You’re just as miserable as me. The only difference is you’ve fucked your way through most of Manhattan.”
“Enough praise. Spill your shit. I’ve got a club to run.”
This is why I came to Carter. He’s an asshole, who will convince me to forget about this girl. “I didn’t sleep with her.”
I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone’s eyes as wide as Carter’s right now. The mouthful of Scotch he was nursing has now been sprayed all over the papers on his desk. “What the fuck! You took her to the Hamptons and she didn’t put out?”
“I swear to God – if you talk about her like that again, I’m not kidding – I will murder you.”
His smug chuckle irks me. “You like this girl! She’s playing you. It’s classic – if she makes you work for it, by the time she finally rides your dick, you’re going to think it’s the best sex of your life. Tell me you’re not that gullible.”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“That’s what we all tell ourselves.”
“She’s a fucking virgin, okay!” My mouth is quicker than my brain. How could I betray her trust like that? “Shit. Don’t you dare repeat that to another living soul.” I drop my head in my hands, nervously running my fingers through my hair.
Carter and I have been friends since we were born. He knows I’m not messing around. He’s serious now. “Okay. No one wants to be that kind of asshole – you’re taking things slow to respect her. It doesn’t explain why you’re here getting drunk right now. Something else happened.”
His words hang in the air, awaiting my reply. “She Googled me. She fucking Googled me! Yet again, I’m tantamount to a walking bag of cash. I’m sick of being Alexander Rhodes. I wanted to make something of myself – I didn’t want to be the punch line for gold diggers.” I steal the bottle of Scotch from the desk and swig it straight from the bottle. “What’s the point of having all this success, and all this money, if I never have someone to share it with?”
“Stop being such a pussy. So she Googled you – big fucking deal. What deep dark secrets is she going to find out about you, pretty boy?”
“How about everything there is to know about me and Natalie.”
“Fuck her! You don’t want to end up like me, do you? Then put on your big girl panties and man the fuck up. You’re Xander-fucking-Rhodes. Of course she knew who you were. Of course she Googled you. You’re an intimidating bastard! You want her? Then prove to her that you’re more than a pretty face and a fistful of cash.”
“You don’t get it.”
“Fuck you, man. I may not be as successful as the mighty Xander Rhodes, but I’m doing pretty damn well for myself. You don’t think girls fuck me for what they can get? Sure they do. I’m just better at the game than they are. You don’t want to play the game, then stop whining about it and win this girl over. Now go home and sleep it off. I’ll have someone drop your car off in the morning.”
I hate that he’s right.
****
This week felt like the longest of my life. I can’t get Lily out of my head. Her laugh, her smile, the way her body felt when I kissed every trembling inch of her skin. I’m haunted by the sweet sound of her moans, as every muscle tightened with orgasm. I don’t usually go down on a woman until I know she’s serious about me. It’s an intimate act – but I couldn’t control my desire to taste her, and she tasted so fucking good. I could lick her pussy for hours, just listening to her come, over and over again.
I haven’t heard from her, not that I expected to, so I’ve thrown myself into work. Nothing helps – I can’t forget. Maybe Carter’s right. If I want her, I need to make it happen.
I’m Xander-fucking-Rhodes.
LILY
I toss and turn, unable to get comfortable, but I need to sleep. Finals are this week and I’ve worked too damn hard to get distracted by a guy now, no matter how gorgeous and sexy and smart and wonderful he is. Damn it! I can’t last ten seconds without thinking about him. I haven’t slept since I left him on the sidewalk last week. I wanted to explain, but I couldn’t find the right words. It’s better this way – safer.
When I finally fall asleep, it’s fitful at best and the nightmares are back, but this time it isn’t my dad dying in my arms. This time the victim is tall, dark, and beautiful, with a stunning stare. I wake up screaming as the sparkle fades from his icy-blue eyes and the life drains from his body…
“No! No! No!”
I come to with Addi shaking me. “Come on, Lil, wake up… It’s just a dream, honey… I’m here.” She scoops me into her arms as I sob uncontrollably. “Is it the same nightmare about your dad?” I can’t breathe, strangled by fear.
“No. Well, yes… but, it wasn’t my dad… it was… it was Xander.” I break down, crying uncontrollably in the arms of my friend, unable to speak for what feels like hours.
“I can’t do this, Addi. I need to stay away from him. I couldn’t go through that kind of pain again. My dad was everything to me; losing him broke me, and Xander deserves better. He deserves someone that isn’t paralyzed by the fear of losing him.”
She pulls me close, stroking my hair. “Lil, you need to let someone in one day, otherwise you’ll never be able to truly love with all your heart. It’s part of life. The reward of loving someone with every fiber of your being comes with the risk of losing them. If you could go back, you wouldn’t want to love your dad any less, would you? He was worthy of your love, honey, and maybe Xander could be, too? Maybe you should call him – explain what happened last week?”
“Can we not talk about this? I appreciate what you’re trying to say but I just can’t deal with it right now. I
have finals this week, and I haven’t been a hermit for the past four years to throw it away at the final hurdle. I just need to focus on this and stop obsessing over a guy I barely know. I’m fine… really. Don’t worry about me.”
The look on her face tells me she doesn’t believe a word of it, but I don’t need her to agree with my decision, I just need her to accept it and let me do what I need to do.
I immerse myself in study, but unfortunately, most classic literature is based on love, whether it’s love found or love lost, so it isn’t the best distraction in the world. I only have three days until finals and this is my last chance to excel at Columbia. I’ve decided to stay away from the library and just lock myself in the apartment. I’m happy with my progress come lunchtime and decide to give myself a break to grab a snack and listen to some music. As I dance around the kitchen to Katy Perry’s Firework making myself a veggie sub, I’m stopped in my tracks by the buzzer.
A package has arrived, so I tell the doorman to bring it on up. I set the rectangular box on the table. It’s black with a white ribbon and a familiar little envelope tucked under the bow. It’s from Xander. I carefully untie the ribbon and open the card - my heart hammering in my chest.
I lift the lid and unwrap the tissue paper. Inside is a Monet reproduction; one of his Water Lily oil paintings. It’s exquisite. I can’t believe he bought this for me. My heart soars at his thoughtfulness, but my head is fighting to focus on my decision to stay away from him. I pick up my phone and sit for the longest time, deciding what say.
Me: Thank you for the Monet reproduction. It’s stunning, but you shouldn’t have. It’s too much. Lily
Mr. P: I’m glad you like it. It’s not too much. I miss you.
Me: I don’t want you spending money on me.
Mr. P: I’ll bear that in mind in future.
Me: There is no future. I messed up.
Mr. P: So, let’s talk.
Me: I can’t do this. It’s safer for you this way.
Mr. P: What do you mean? What’s wrong?