What was the future? Should he see Catherine again, and at least set things straight between them… and then, for her sake, walk away? Perhaps. It was possible that by seeing her again, just once more, he could draw a line under the whole thing. Wish her well for the future and then get on with his life, however hard that might be. The danger was that he might find it impossible to walk away. It was certain, though, that he couldn’t go on doing nothing. He had to make some sort of decision.
He was still wrestling with the problem as he neared South Kensington that Friday evening. He parked outside the flat and sat in the car for several moments, trying to prepare himself. He had come this far and he must go through with it. As long as he didn’t touch her, he might keep control.
As he reached for the door bell he noticed the slight tremor in his hand.
*
Catherine had wondered how she would occupy herself this weekend with Sarah away. She decided physical activity was a good start and began by giving the flat a good clean and changing the bed linen on both beds. She then treated herself to a long soak in the bath. As it was already late in the evening she slipped into a comfortable shirt and trousers and, tying her damp hair back with a ribbon, made herself a coffee. Even after all that effort she still couldn’t face anything to eat.
She sat down on the settee with her course books and tried to concentrate, but as usual when she was alone, her mind kept wandering to things she would rather forget. She reminded herself yet again how she’d been strong enough to make the break away from Richmond to try to start a new life. However, the truth was that although no longer living with her uncle he still had some control over her until she was twenty-five. If she went against his wishes he might still cause problems for her… but there was no point even thinking about doing so, was there?
Alex had made it plain that night that he didn’t want her and she had to try to accept the fact. She must keep her thoughts focused on the future, however hard it seemed at times, and stop feeling sorry for herself. The ache started to grow inside her again as she acknowledged just how much she still missed him. Then the door bell rang.
*
The door opened and Catherine stood there. Alex was overwhelmed at the sight of her. For a moment he thought she was going to faint, but she held herself together. With the immediate shock of his unexpected presence leaving her, he saw that she was marshalling all her defences to deal with the situation.
‘Sarah isn’t here, I’m afraid.’ Her voice sounded unnatural and forced.
‘I know, Catherine. I’ve spoken with her. May I come in, please?’
After a moment’s hesitation she opened the door wider and he slipped inside before she could change her mind.
He moved through into the lounge and turned to face her. He sensed the strain in her, and saw that Sarah was right: she had lost weight. She was even slimmer than he remembered.
‘Sarah is worried about you.’
He thought it better to start with the truth. She would never believe that this was a casual visit.
With apparent calm she regarded him for a moment.
‘You don’t have to worry about me, if that’s the reason you came.’
‘I’m glad to hear it.’ He could hear the edge in his voice. That calm stare was beginning to affect him. He decided to press on. ‘I thought it might be a help if I explained about… that night.’
She turned away from him, then. ‘I’m sure I don’t know what you think there is to explain.’ Her voice sounded almost bored, and he wondered if he’d imagined the further tenseness in her body.
He was beginning to feel rising anger in him now. This wasn’t the response he’d expected. What had he expected, though? That she would throw herself into his arms? Yes, he knew that’s what he had hoped for.
‘Catherine, I left that night because otherwise I would have ended up in your bed!’
She turned to face him again and he could see the sheen of tears in the green eyes.
He forced himself to go on. ‘I told you that you looked beautiful, and any man would have been tempted. I think you felt that now you trusted me you had a chance to widen your experience, and the scenario that night was ideal, but you deserved better than a few stolen moments. Catherine, believe me, I would find it no hardship at all to be the first to instruct you in the art of love… but one day, when you have enough confidence to move on… I’m not sure if I want to handle that.’
He put up his hand to silence her as she made to speak. ‘It’s no use pretending that it wouldn’t happen. I’m older than you, I’ve had more experience in these matters. You have a chance of freedom now, to do what you want in life. The last thing you need is to be tied down again. I want you to be happy. You are a very beautiful, accomplished young lady and you’ll find someone who is meant for you.’
He started to move across the lounge towards the hall. He knew he had to leave. Now. ‘Please take care of yourself.’
‘Alex!’ Her cry halted him. Against his better judgement he turned back.
She was standing there with her arms wrapped round herself, as if she was in pain. Tears were running down her face.
‘Please don’t go, Alex. Can’t you understand? I don’t want anyone else. I want you! You’re all I’ve ever hoped for.’
‘Catherine’, he sighed, ‘how can you know that? Haven’t you heard what I’ve just been saying?’
‘I heard it, and I don’t believe it …and I don’t think you believe it, either!’
All his good intentions went out of the window then, as he crossed to her and took her shoulders.
‘Catherine, don’t make it any harder than it is already. Believe me, its best this way, for any number of reasons.’ He couldn’t tell her of one particular reason.
She started to undo her shirt buttons and pressed her body close to his. ‘Alex, please love me. I need you.’
He pushed her away from him. He felt his anger spiralling out of control, but he knew the anger was against himself and his reaction to her.
‘Don’t you dare offer your body to me, or any man! There’s no way on earth you have to resort to that. You’re a lady, act like one!’
She was sobbing now. ‘How else can I make you understand?’
‘I understand that we’re making each other unhappy, and it has to stop. I’m going now, Catherine. Goodbye.’
He found his way outside into his car and was pulling away down the road before he realised just why his eyesight seemed to be blurred. He ran a shaking hand over his wet eyes. Christ, what a mess!
A few streets away, Alex found somewhere to pull in and rested his head on the steering wheel. He could feel himself trembling.
It had been worse than he thought, and he knew that it would continue. He would see those green eyes for the rest of his life. Had he been wrong? Could it work, or was he just deluding himself? Was it worth taking the chance that she was speaking the truth, that she wanted him? Perhaps he could keep her with him after all. He imagined with longing the life that they might have together. He could feel that slim body pressed against him, and he groaned and put his head back down on the wheel.
His dilemma still remained. He knew that he wanted to be with her, but the fear returned to him of what might happen if she had to be told about his investigation of her uncle’s affairs. His uncertainty of her reaction washed over him again. Would any relationship between them be strong enough to overcome a revelation like that? Could he believe that, when the time came, there would be a way to convince her that his work was in no way related to their personal feelings? She might, of course, never have to know.
After a moment or two he knew his decision was made. He squared his shoulders, started the engine and drove away.
*
Catherine stood in the darkening room, listening to the sound of the Porsche recede into the distance. How had
she not heard him arrive? Her ears had always been listening out for his car, just hoping!
Now it was over. Just like that. Had she done something wrong again? Could she have made him stay if she hadn’t made that stupid gesture? It was too late now, anyway.
She became aware of a pounding ache behind her eyes, and tears threatened again. Fetching a bottle of painkillers and a glass of water, she sat on the settee. If she took something, she might sleep. As she sat alone in the empty room she felt the tears splashing onto her hands. There was so much unhappiness inside her that it felt as if they would go on for ever. Her worries regarding her uncle no longer mattered. She knew Alex was the man she loved, and now he was gone. Her life seemed to stretch before her like an eternity. How could she cope without him?
She lay down on the settee, buried her face in one of the cushions and wept until, worn out, she fell asleep.
*
Alex stood on the pavement for a moment, still irresolute. The flat was in darkness. Had she gone to bed? Well, there was only one way to find out.
He reached the door and was about to ring the bell when he noticed the door stood ajar. He couldn’t have closed it when he had left before, and Catherine hadn’t checked it. He went into the hall. Everywhere was dark and quiet. As his eyes adjusted to the pale light coming in through the windows, he made out the figure lying on the settee, one arm hanging down by her side. Then he noticed the bottle and glass on the table, and a cold fear possessed him. Oh God, no! No, she couldn’t!
He went down on his knees beside her. With a trembling hand he reached for her wrist to feel for a pulse. Yes, there it was! Steady and strong. He placed his hand against her neck and the pulse there told the same story. With a sigh of relief he laid his forehead on the settee for a moment and said a silent prayer. He was now certain that he never wanted to be parted from her, and no matter what might come in the future, there would have to be a way of dealing with it.
With a gentle hand he stroked her face. He could feel her skin was wet. She had cried herself to sleep, but he had to be sure.
‘Catherine.’
She made a whimpering sound, like a small hurt animal, and he gathered her up into his arms. As she came awake, he stroked her face again. Heavy eyelids lifted and he could just make out pain-filled green eyes swamped with tears.
‘Don’t cry any more, my love. I’m here, and I’m not leaving you.’
She lifted one small hand and touched his cheek, as if to make sure that he was real. He turned his face into her hand and kissed the soft palm.
‘Alex?’
‘Don’t worry any more, Catherine. But I must know… did you take any of these?’ He held up the bottle of tablets. She removed her gaze from his face and looked with slight confusion at the bottle.
‘What?’
‘Did you take any Catherine?’
‘No. I had a headache, but I didn’t…’
He stood up, and she cried out in distress. He took off his jacket and flung it down on a chair, then came and sat beside her on the settee, folding her into his arms.
‘I told you I wasn’t going anywhere!’
‘Alex? Why did you come back? How did you get in?’
‘So many questions for such a little person!’ He was feeling quite light-headed with relief after his shock. ‘The door was open. I couldn’t have shut it when I left.’
‘You still haven’t told me why you came back.’ She touched his face. ‘I thought I would never see you again. Alex, I couldn’t bear it.’
He could feel her agitation and held her face against his chest, stroking her hair with a gentle hand.
‘I couldn’t bear it either. I found I didn’t have the strength to walk away from you. I love you, Catherine, and I want to be with you.’
He heard her give a sigh of pleasure, and her body relaxed. After a few moments he realised that she had gone to sleep again. He held her close and let her sleep. Everything else could wait for now.
The room was quite dark when she eventually stirred in his arms, and he saw the glitter of her eyes as she looked up at him.
‘Feeling better now?’
‘Much.’ She struggled upright. Running a hand over her tangled hair, she seemed awkward and shy. ‘I’m going to wash my face.’
‘I could do with something to drink. Can I make myself a coffee?’
He sensed she needed time to collect her thoughts.
‘Of course. I’ll have one too. What’s the time?’
He looked at his wristwatch. ‘About midnight.’
‘It can’t be!’
‘What’s the problem? Are you going to turn into a pumpkin or something?’
She smiled at him then, and he watched as she went through to her bedroom. He busied himself in the kitchen, hunting until he found everything he needed.
By the time she came back he had made the coffee and brought it through to the lounge. He switched on one of the table lamps near the settee and turned on the radio. Soft music filled the room.
She came and sat by his side, looking at him as if she still couldn’t believe he was there. He noticed with pleasure that she had left her hair loose, and her face had regained some of its colour.
Taking her hand in his he rubbed her soft palm with his thumb. Neither of them said a word, just looked at each other. After a while the sound of the music and the soft lighting relaxed her and she laid her head on his shoulder, their coffee still untouched.
Realising she was becoming sleepy again, Alex whispered into her hair, ‘It’s time for you to be in bed, young lady. I’ll come and see you tomorrow and we can talk some more.’
She sat up and stared at him in consternation.
‘You… you said you wouldn’t leave me!’ The fear was back in her voice.
‘Catherine,’ he sighed, ‘you know I mustn’t stay.’
He watched as she made to say something and then changed her mind, and he saw the green eyes fill with desperation. This time she was frightened of making any sort of move. Alex was then certain that he couldn’t leave her, not tonight. He would be too worried about her here on her own. He gave a sigh of resignation and saw the change in her eyes as she recognised his decision. It wasn’t triumph, just a look of deep relief and contentment.
He stood up, and brought her with him. Taking her hand, he walked through to her bedroom.
‘Catherine, you must go to bed like a good girl, and get some more sleep. I’ll make myself comfortable on the settee and I’ll see you in the morning.’
‘Alex…?’
He slid his arms round her slender waist and looked into her eyes, soft as green velvet. It would be so easy… but no, not yet! He shook his head, kissed her soft lips, and left the room, closing the door behind him.
CHAPTER 19
Lionel Franklin looked out over the garden, bathed in bright sunlight. It was a beautiful Saturday morning, all the more so because of the phone call he had just received. Perhaps with the news from Kensington, things were working out his way after all. Excellent!
*
Catherine awoke, and the events of the night before returned to her. She listened, but everything was quiet. For one terrible moment she thought Alex had gone, but then she heard sounds from the kitchen. She relaxed back on to the pillows and thought about what had happened to her over these last hours. How could life change from total despair one moment to total bliss the next?
She slid out of bed, brushed out her hair, dressed in her best long pink robe and went into the kitchen. Alex was busy laying out plates, and when he glanced up at her she saw the appreciative look in his eyes.
‘I’ve made use of your bathroom facilities, if that’s OK. Breakfast’s ready. I was about to call you.’
He had dressed in his trousers but was bare-chested. She wanted to touch his smooth skin, to feel the well-toned bod
y beneath her fingers. She became alarmed at her thoughts. In an effort to distract herself she moved over to him to see what he was doing, and then, realising that he had shaved, on impulse ran her fingers down his cheek.
He smiled at her. ‘I always keep an overnight bag in the car, as I never know if I might need it.’ Her face registered her thoughts, and seeing her expression Alex amended with a laugh, ‘For business purposes. Well, sometimes!’
She was about to make an appropriate remark, but her eyes were diverted by the apparent mountain of toast he was placing on the table.
‘How ever much toast have you made, Alex?’ she laughed at him.
‘I’m hungry,’ he replied, his gaze steady.
It sounded a simple statement, but looking into those grey eyes she felt warm from head to toe, and remembered how he had been very deliberate in leaving her alone last night. She sat down in a hurry and then found a plate of fluffy scrambled eggs being placed in front of her, together with a quick kiss on her neck.
‘Eat up. You need to put on some weight.’
Ignoring the remark, she found that, in fact, she was ravenous and soon the eggs and mound of toast were devoured between them.
‘You see, I told you! Perfect planning on my part,’ Alex grinned at her.
‘I must say, those eggs were very good. I don’t think I could have done any better.’
‘High praise from a cordon bleu cook! Don’t forget, I’ve spent a lot of time looking after myself.’
Catherine looked at him and placed her hand on his arm. ‘I’d like to look after you now, Alex.’
He didn’t reply, but just kissed her hand.
Taking the empty dishes over to the sink, he turned back to her. ‘It’s a nice day. I could do with some fresh air. How do you feel about having a walk in the park?’
Catherine had the odd impression there was an ulterior motive here somewhere, but was quite happy to go along with his suggestion. At his insistence she left him to deal with the dishes, and went for a shower. She dressed with care in a green pleated skirt which swung around her knees, and a cream jumper, with her favourite gold chain. She hunted out a pair of knee-high tan boots and a matching bag. As she came out of the bedroom into the lounge she shrugged into a soft green suede jacket, tossing her plaited hair back from the collar.
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