Swords-and-skulls spoke before she did, cold and menacing.
“I am Captain Wezekana of the Alien Interrogation Police. Let me see your identification papers.”
I dug them out. They had more different kinds of police on this planet than I had ever seen before. He shuffled through my ID, held one page up to the light and squinted at it.
“If you tell me what you want perhaps I can help…”
“No.”
About the kind of brilliant conversation one could expect from someone who wore his kind of uniform. The silence lengthened as he studied my papers in ever greater detail. If he was trying to frighten me he was succeeding.
“Did you get the porcuswine swill?” Angelina asked.
“Sorry, the shop was all out of it.”
“I will try myself later. We mustn’t let the dear piglet starve.”
“No indeed. Perhaps I could get her a sandwich.”
“An excellent idea-but no pork.”
Our feeble attempt at conversation petered out in the shadow of this grim copper.
“I’ll keep these papers,” he said, stuffing them into his pocket.
“You can’t do that!”
“Of course I can.”
“What do you want them for?”
“You are under suspicion of having alien criminal identification.”
“No way! And why am I under suspicion?”
“Because you are from offplanet. You have arrived recently. You are male and of a certain age. That is enough to make you a suspect.”
“That’s pretty broad grounds to make me a suspect.”
“It is a beginning. We have six hundred and twelve suspects like you. We are narrowing that number down. Where were you when the bank robbery occurred today?”
“Sitting right where you are sitting. I was being interviewed for a television program. In fact that’s how I know about the robbery. The news flash broke into my interview.”
“Your alibi will be checked. Meanwhile I don’t want you to leave this city.”
“Of course I am not going to leave the city. I am performing in the circus here with a performance every night. Thousands of people watch me and applaud wildly.”
“I will look into that alibi as well,” he said coldly.
“It’s not an alibi, it’s the truth.” I dug into my pocket. “Here. A free ticket to tonight’s performance. You will personally see me there.”
“I will personally see you in prison.” He took the ticket and tore it in half and dropped the pieces onto the floor. “I will charge you with attempting to bribe a police officer.”
He brushed his hands together as if he was disposing of something nasty. Stood and started towards the door. Any relief I felt ended when he turned back to me.
“What do you know about the Stainless Steel Rat?” he said.
Instead of screaming out loud and rushing to escape I stared at him with the same cold glare he was using on me. “What in the world are you talking about?”
“It is the alias of a criminal with a record of serious crimes on a number of planets.”
“I am not interested in criminals. I am an honest theurgist who earns a modest living as a theatrical magician.”
I was starting to tap my fingers against my leg. Keep cool! No signs of stress. Put my hands into my pockets. Pulled them out again. Something metallic tinkled to the floor. We all glanced down.
It was the lockpick I had so recently used on Puissanto’s door.
“That is a lockpick! “ the captain said with cold triumph, his eyes locked with mine.
“Of course it is,” Angelina said walking between us, bending to pick it up. The spell was broken.
“I go nowhere without it,” I said calmly. “Look here.”
I strolled across the room and took up the book of imaginary clippings about my totally fake career. Riffled through it, held it out to him.
“The Underwater Magical Escape. See the manacles on my hands. The locks and chains on my legs. The steel cage about me. The fact that I am about to be lowered into the water. Without that lockpick I would very quickly drown. Thank you my dear.”
I took the pick and put it back into my pocket. I could feel that basilisk gaze burning holes into the back of my skull as I turned away. Crossed to the chair and sat down.
The stare continued until he made up his mind.
“It is illegal to possess a lockpick on Fetorr. I am going to have to confiscate the one that you have.” He put his hand out. I shied back.
“You can’t do that! I will drown if I can’t pick the locks in the underwater cage.”
“That is no concern of mine.” He was all heart. When I didn’t oblige him he took out a large gun from his holster and pointed it at me. “I will not ask you a second time.”
Muttering complaints I dug the lockpick out and handed it to him. It vanished as did, happily, the gun.
“I will be back.” He turned and left.
Angelina went to the door, waited a moment then opened it. The hall was empty. I took out my detector and swept the room. The captain had been busy. Two coins, bugs, in the chair where he had been seated. More under the carpeting and in the wastebasket. They sparked and crunched when I stepped on them until the green light on the detector blinked.
“I don’t like it,” I said. “I am beginning to feel trapped, as though the powers of darkness are closing in on me.”
“A little overdramatic—but very close to the truth. Let me pour you a drink.”
“My angel. A large one. Thank you.” It helped. I think.
“We had better cancel this tour and leave this planet,” Angelina said. “Weren’t you the one who always said that he who fights and shifts his freight, lives to fight another date?”
“I did-and I meant it. But that was some years ago when I was much faster on my feet. Always on the lookout for a fresh challenge. Right now this old rat is feeling a bit rusty and put-upon. And stubborn. For a lot of reasons, including some I am not sure of, I do not want to back out of this one.”
“The four million credits a day. That’s all you can think about-right?” I nodded reluctant agreement. “Why don’t we forget about it? There is no point in being the richest prisoner in some foul Fetorr jail.”
“There is a certain wisdom in what you say. But let us not quit just yet. What I started to say, before I saw your unwelcome guest, is that I have discovered something interesting about the apparently moronic Puissanto. He has the vocabulary of a college professor, when he does not know he is being overheard. Therefore when he is on stage tonight, and I can’t be disturbed, I am going to take a look into his computer.” I grabbed up the phone.
“I am going to dial up the local database-search and get the specs and documentation on the Eprom-80. As long as they are not a state secret.”
They weren’t-but that did not mean it was easy. Paranoia seemed to rule on Fetorr. I got the phone number of Eprom Ltd. And called them. And spent the usual endless period working my way through recorded voices and punching in the numbers that they gave me. At long last I talked to a human being. And instantly wished I was still talking to the robots.
“An Eprom-80? What’s the serial number?”
“How do I know. The machine is not here and the number on the documentation is lost with the documentation.”
“I don’t know… “
“You don’t-but I do. Can’t you just give me the price and send me the specs? They aren’t secret are they?”
“No-but they are copyrighted. ”
“Of course they are! And so what? They come with every machine you sell. Give price. I’ll send money.”
The repeated use of the word money finally penetrated. In the long run he took the order. By this time my ear was sore. I went and opened a bottle of Old Ear Cure and poured a long one.
It really had been that kind of a day.
Chapter 11
I had to work very hard during the evening performance to put
all the disquieting events of the day out of my head. I succeeded—but it was not easy. Still the audience liked it, so I had not done too badly. We cleaned off the makeup, changed, and caught a cab back to our hotel. The message light in the room was blinking so I touched the button for the voice mail recording.
“Hi folks James here. I hope that all is fine with you. I’ve got my tickets and I’m on my way. I couldn’t get a direct flight to Fetorr so I’m not sure when I will get there. But my spacer leaves in a few minutes, bound for Helior. And I’m bringing a new and much improved computer with me. I’ll let you know my ETA as soon as I get it. “
“The reinforcements are on their way,” I said as I reached for the booze bottle. And stopped. Things were getting very complicated and I did not need to complicate them even more with a thick head. I had a small dry sherry and a cigar instead. Gloriana rattled her quills enticingly, so I reached down and scratched her behind the ears. I felt a sense of impending doom and I did not like it. Angelina must have seen my expression because she sat on the couch next to me and took my hand.
“You are looking pretty grim, dear husband. Want to tell me about it?”
I gave her a hand an appreciative squeeze and polished off the sherry.
“If I look grim it is because I feel grim. I am possessed by the feeling that events are out of my control. When, as you know, I am used to being in charge of things, being in control of my own destiny at all times. That is not happening now. Just look at the disasters and near-misses that have occurred since we arrived on this depressing planet. First Kaia’s bank is robbed and Bolivar is charged with the crime. Admittedly we did spring him from the hoosegow-but now he has to hide out in the freak show until James gets here. Then the second bank heist, on a bank we know that Chaise secretly owns-with a planted stainless steel rat left at the scene of the crime. Next the police are investigating me and have pinched every bit of my almost-legal identification. All in all the back of my neck feels quite warm and I am sure that it is from hot breath. So I ask myself. Is all this aggro worth a measly four million credits a day?”
“And what does myself tell you?”
“It tells me to cut and run.”
“Will you?”
“You betcha. There are a lot of other ways to earn money-both legal and illegal. I would feel a lot better if we pursued some of the other possibilities rather than having ourselves in hock to Chaise.”
“Shall I pack the bags?”
I shook my head no.
“Not until after tomorrow’s matinee. In the midst of all this rushing about I have come up with one solid fact. Puissanto, the suspect we have come here to investigate, is not as simple as he pretends to be. I want to find out who or what he is. When he is onstage tomorrow I’ll be tapping into his computer.
As soon as I know that, we get offplanet—and take Bolivar with us.”
“Two things that bother me about this. The police have your papers-and Bolivar has none at all, as well as being a . refugee from the local disgusting form of justice.”
“You are speaking to the master forger himself. Not a problem. I’ll get new papers done in the morning for both of us. And the second thing?”
“Do we leave James here to carry the can after we are gone?”
“No way!” I poured another sherry, downed it in a gulp. “With our new and accelerated schedule we may be gone before he arrives. If we forget the complicated plan of him theoretically taking his brother’s place in the bank-why then there is no reason for him to come here at all. We stop him before he gets here. I am afraid that the fourmillion-credit-a day job is turning into a nightmare. What did he say his first stop was?”
“Helior.”
I grabbed up the phone. “I’m going to get a message to him to stay there until we arrive. There are enough people in the soup now without adding another one.”
“I couldn’t agree more.” A bubbly porcine snore sounded from the direction of Gloriana’s basket. “Let us emulate that dear creature and get a good night’s sleep. I think we are going to need it.”
We did. And after breakfast next morning Angelina went off with a purse filled with cash to find a crooked travel agent. Or is that an oxymoron? I used some of the portable radio’s hidden talents to fake up our identification documents. I had prepared the ones that we had used to reach this planet; it was easy enough to alter the standard forms to effect a safe exit. I was finishing this task when Angelina returned and waved a thick envelope in the air.
“Done. The most time-consuming part of it was fighting off all the types who found me attractive. Six of them are sleeping peacefully but one, I’m afraid, is in the hospital.”
“I am sure that he deserves to be there.”
“You don’t know how right you are. A bent taxi driver took me to a bar where he assured me the local mafia hung out. He was right. The one in the hospital is the ex-bodyguard of the local capo. He was so impressed that he offered me the bodyguard’s job. It is nice to be appreciated. When I assured him that I was not a police spy, and that my fondest ambition was to shake the soot of this planet off my shoes, he contacted associates who specialize in the transport business.”
“Transporting what?”
“I hesitate to think. But in the end a deal was done. There are three tickets here on the midnight hovertrain to Mtumwaport. An industrial city known for its pollution and high death rate.”
“Wonderful! And why are we visiting this holiday city?”
“Because it is right beside the industrial spaceport for that area. And we are listed as crewmembers on a steel freighter that leaves the following day.”
“Sounds a winner. Our jobs?”
“I’m an assistant cook. You and Bolivar are engine-room artificers.”
“Will we have to work our way to the stars?”
“Not after I have given the captain the second half of his bribe.”
We packed a single bag each; everything else would be left behind. Gloriana watched all this with close attention, then made an interrogatory grunt. Angelina frowned.
“Do we take her with us?” she asked.
“When they discover that we are missing-why a couple traveling with a porcuswine would be, how should I phrase it, pretty memorable.”
“You are right, of course. But if leave her here, why her fate is pretty certain.”
It certainly was. I looked down at this endearing creature and saw in my mind’s eye a vision of a side of bacon.
We will put the decision off until later,” Angelina said.
“No-we cannot! Call a pet supply, get a dog carrier. We’ll put her in that, take her with us. We cannot leave her behind.”
We reached the Colosseo early. I was dressed for my performance and waiting in the wings when Puissanto started his act. I had timed him at exactly thirty-one minutes. Now I started my stopwatch and walked quickly to his dressing room. Once I had locked myself inside I took the documentation from my pocket and turned on his computer. It was a cheap production model with a security code that was very easy to bypass. Within ten minutes I was in. I put the stopwatch where I could see it and went surfing through the files. Mostly spreadsheets and financial returns. There were some mighty large sums being processed here-but no clue how our strongman had anything to do with all this.
Ten minutes to go. I sweated as I scrolled through another directory, it was time to get out of here. I felt the cool air on my neck.
Cool air!
I spun about and there was Puissanto standing in the open doorway. Terrifying little red eyes gleaming. Closing the door behind him.
This was a nightmare come true. Locked in a room with this monster.
“Kill,” he said simply and reached out for me.
Covered with chunky muscle, he wasn’t very fast on his feet. But then again the dressing room wasn’t that big. There was a single window-but it was covered by thick bars. I jumped back, sprang onto the trunk-then did a diving roll over his head when his clasping f
ingers reached out for me. Hit the door with my picklock ready. Had it open-
When a hand as big as a ham slammed it shut. Cruel fingers closed on my neck. Lifted me into the air, shook me like a used rag. I choked and couldn’t speak since my larynx was being slowly crushed. Then he dropped me. Put a heavy foot on my chest as I gasped in air. Bite steel rods in two, I remembered. Head through a brick wall.
“I can explain…” I finally choked.
“Tell.”
“I am not what I seem …”
“Police spy!” The foot pressed down and I waited for the snapping crack of broken ribs.
“Never! I’m a … special investigator!”
“Who pay you?”
This was no time for lies or evasions.
“A banker! A very rich banker by the name of Imperetrix Von Kaiser-Czarski …”
“You lie!”
The pressure increased and darkness descended. At a great distance I heard a cracked voice saying “no” over and over again. Was that me?
Then the pressure ceased. A mighty hand lifted me and dropped me into the armchair. Vision slowly returned to reveal the monster sitting quietly before me. It spoke.
“The time has now arrived for you to be more truthful in your revelations, oh not so mighty Marvell. I have an undetectable detector concealed in this room. So I knew someone had been in here during my absence. Therefore I abbreviated my act today in order to see if the same mysterious invader might return.”
“You suddenly talk a lot better.”
“I do. And if you give me the wrong answers no one will ever hear about it from you.”
The temperature in the room went down ten degrees. He smiled.
“Now that we understand each other, feel free to tell me all about your presence here.”
I told him. Everything. Except of course any details of my career before being employed by Chaise. An interstellar private eye, that’s who I was. He nodded and listened, steepling his fingers before him as he took it all in. When I had finished he appeared to stop and consider what I had told him-then nodded again.
“That is a preposterous story, Jim. Thousands might not believe it-but I do. Because in my investigative capacity on this planet I have also come across traces and trails of your employer. There are a lot of crooked business practices going on this planet. As far as I can determine, with really only a superficial examination, your associate Chaise is one of the most reprehensible. I have uncovered these facts in the course of my investigations. You see I am really a git.”
The Stainless Steel Rat Joins the Circus ssr-11 Page 11