by McCoy, RS
I was trapped in a prison of defeat and frustration, and even if it started to snow in the middle of fall it wouldn’t have made a difference. I couldn’t hit him. I was just stuck.
One cool, foggy morning I met Avis by the lake on the eastern side of the school grounds. “Did you eat?” he asked patiently.
“Yes, of course I ate.” Even as I voiced my annoyance at his constant insistence to take me to the dining hall for meals, I knew it was doing the trick. Muscle started to fill out my body, and I’d grown even taller. As if I’d ever tell him that.
“Ready to get beat again?”
It was a simple question, but it was also that little bit extra that pushed me over the edge. I’d been destroyed on a daily basis by him for three months, if not longer. I couldn’t beat Khea, I couldn’t beat him, I couldn’t do anything right. My mind filled with rage, and I flew at him. By the time my thoughts cleared, I was on his chest, and continued to beat on his face. Is he laughing?
“Alright, alright! You win! I yield!”
I slumped over onto the grass beside Avis and breathed the cool air deep into my lungs. What happened, did I just do that? I was shocked to see blood smeared across my knuckles and even more shocked to see Avis’s face. Blood streamed down his cheek and dripped onto his grey shirt. His lip didn’t look too good either, but he just laughed. “I guess you’re ready for Round Three,” he finally said.
“What’s so funny?”
“I was starting to think you’d never do it.”
“Why’s that funny?”
He seemed to immediately sober up at the prospect of having to explain himself. “Never mind.”
“So what now?”
“Now we wait for the frost.”
The snow stuck by the end of the week, and Avis showed up in his mysterious fashion to leave my second stripe across the corner of my dresser. More than a year, I couldn’t help but notice. At this rate, I’ll have twenty summers before I get my pendant.
~~~~~~~~~~
The next day, I woke to a knock at my door; when I got up to open it, I grumbled to myself about Avis’s never ending demands that I go to breakfast. It was Micha, dressed in his coverings with a plain, brown bag slung over his shoulder.
“You made it just in time,” he said though I didn’t understand what he meant. “Get your things, we’re leaving soon.”
In the early quiet of the hall, Micha’s thoughts told me we were going out tracking with a group led by a man named Jhurian. I pulled on a shirt and a heavy jacket before I put the rest of my coverings in the bag Micha brought for me. He had already gone out once with Jhurian and a group for more than six weeks at the end of the summer, but it hadn’t been easy for him. I didn’t dread the thought of living in the wilderness at this time of year as much as Micha, but I knew it would be challenging as I slipped my bow and quiver over my arm.
The realization that Micha had been away from Myxini for nearly two months lightened the sting from not seeing him around. It wasn’t his fault that he moved on and I didn’t, but that fact hadn’t made it any better that I was alone with Avis during that time.
It was a short walk through the torch-lit corridor to the dim sky over the southwestern grounds where Jhurian was waiting. He had a long, grey beard, weathered hands, and hid his face under a thick scarf and fur hat. There were two other Trackers with him, according to their coverings.
Rhada was a soft girl. With eleven summers, and hair as black as night, and the nerves of an old, blind horse. She was terrified of Jhurian, and even more so of the wilderness. Iseut was older, taller and–despite her lack of experience–met our excursion with excitement rather than fear. It seemed impossible that those two girls could have had any abilities associated with tracking.
“We’ll start in the Creekmont for about a month or so. After that, the Calloway, then we move along the coast to the Oakwick and back to Hubli. We won’t be visiting the Highlands or the Frost Pass at this time of year, nor the Andover. Those are best left for the summer.” I liked Jhurian immediately; he was no-nonsense and quick to the point, which saved me from my frustration that I couldn’t read him. If he had a problem, he’d tell us–and that was really all I could ask of an adult at that point.
When Jhurian prepared to leave, I wondered if I should be going along. I couldn’t wrap my head around what had happened with Avis at the lake, and I hadn’t seen him since. Would he approve of this trip? In the end, I decided it didn’t matter. He’d battered me effortlessly for the summer season, and I would have been quite happy to never see him again.
My return to the Creekmont was better than I ever expected. Despite the agony of the cold that crepti,nto my boots and the bite of the wind, the untouched deer trails were a joy to travel. Each day Jhurian would select a site and make camp, so we were free to go out and track.
Our instructions were to find, learn about, and report the behaviors of the nineteen types of animals unique to the Creekmont. We didn’t know if we were to look for bears or bugs, but we set out each day to find them and returned to Jhurian’s kill warmed over the fire at night. We were forbidden to do any actual hunts; we were instructed to observe only. Still, the freedom of the Creekmont was a much preferred pursuit after my yearlong captivity at school.
It occurred to me now and then that I was only a few days away from the dismal, rocky shores of Lagodon. I could have slipped away to see my parents–or just left entirely. Rhorken said enrollment was voluntary, so it seemed to me that I could choose to go home whenever I wanted.
I wanted to see my parents. I wanted to see how they did with the money Rhorken paid for me. It seemed so long ago that I’d hunted with Father or heard one of Mother’s stores. We’d been hopelessly poor and desperate for food, but those were some of the happiest moments of my life.
As much as it sounded good to go back to my happy, uncomplicated life, I had to continue my course. There was too much I could learn about my Spark at Myxini, let alone to mention the real purpose I would have in the world after. Besides, I had made new memories, too, I reminded myself. I learned to read and, though I was driven from the library by the other students’ thoughts, it was an accomplishment that I couldn’t deny. I’d also met Micha, and he was the only true friend I’d ever had.
Jhoma helped me pass Round One before he quickly advanced through the rounds. The last I’d seen him, he had six stripes on his sleeve. Khea seemed as far from my friend as anyone could be. She refused to talk to me or even see me–unless it was to humiliate me in combat. No; there was only Micha, the talented Tracker with a big heart for lost animals and gifted boys with secrets.
No one stopped to pay attention, but Rhada and Iseut instinctively paired together, just as Micha and I did. We’d tracked down eighteen of the required animals within a week while the girls found only five. I noticed that one night, as we sat around a fire in an attempt to thaw our extremities and shared a pair of squirrels between us. Micha wondered where to find the last animal, the girls sulked about their lack of success, and Jhurian–of course–had no thoughts that I could detect.
“I’d like to go with Rhada and Iseut tomorrow,” I announced to the group.
“You still have one left.” Jhurian said, as if I didn’t know.
“There’s still time to find it. Besides–it’s too easy with Micha.” His Spark allowed him to sense the animals, even at long distances, and as long as I was near enough to Micha, I could sense him as he sensed them. Not to mention I had my own mild ability to detect animals. It hardly seemed fair that the girls had to flounder together while Micha and I made it look easy.
“Alright then, but you can only go with one of them at a time. I don’t need anyone going out alone and getting lost in the snow. Switch off between them for all I care.” It was hard to tell if he was worried about his position in the school, or if he really cared about our well-being.
I started with Iseut the next day, following behind her only to point out
the signs she missed: a broken stem, a trampled leaf. She was eager to learn, and once she knew to look for something, she didn’t need anything more to find them on her own. By the end of the day, she’d found six new animals–one of which was the tiny wood vole–using the skills I had shown her. I felt how Jhoma had when he helped me learn to read: satisfied that I could help someone who was virtually helpless. She might have never learned to track properly, even If she fumbled around in the woods for years.
Rhada took longer to get the hang of it, if only because she was more timid. She was nervous to be around me, which was a surprise to me. From her perspective, I was much older and taller–a concept that I knew all too well, just not when applied to me. My infrequent participation in conversation made her feel that I couldn’t be trusted, and the bow on my back didn’t help much either. She watched me out of the corner of her eyes, rather than focusing on the trails, even after I explained that my bow was only for protection.
To calm her, and earn her trust, I led her along trails for most of the morning. I described some of the signs I saw, and we stopped some ways ahead when I noticed the markings of a deer that had come by rather recently. When we glimpsed the broad antlers and careful gaze of the buck in the clearing ahead of us, her fears all but diminished completely; she looked at it with awe, the same way Micha would have.
After that, Rhada wanted to try it herself, so I gave her the lead. She was nervous and unsure, but she stayed put at any given marking she found until I confirmed them for her. When we returned to camp, frozen and tired, she had three new animals to proudly report.
I went out to track with Rhada every day after that and her confidence grew by the day. When it came time to move on, each one of us had found all but the most elusive creature on the list, but it was clear that Rhada was no Tracker. Her skills seemed related to the animals themselves more than the ability to find them; some kind of empathy, perhaps, similar to Micha.
Aside from her difficulty with tracking, she hated sleeping outside. Watching Jhurian kill, clean, and cook animals each night right before she had to eat it was even worse. It was her own personal version of hell.
The night before we moved on to the Calloway, I brought it up to Jhurian. “Rhada’s no Tracker. She should go back to Hubli.”
“What makes you think you have a say in it?”
“Nothing, but she’s no better than average. She wasn’t made to be out here like us. You know that.”
Jhurian considered my words, but his face hid all his thoughts on the subject until he said, “Even so, we’re moving on. She’ll just have to wait it out.” I anticipated that exact response and already formulated a plan.
“Let me take her back. It can’t be more than a day or two from here. I’ll pick up your trail from camp and find you in the Calloway next week.”
“You know I can’t let you go back on your own.”
“I’m the best Tracker here and she needs to go back. Who else could take her?” Jhurian made a face that said the topic had been long since exhausted and walked away. It wasn’t until the next morning that he finally agreed.
“Micha and Iseut will head to the Calloway with me. Lark and Rhada will go back to Hubli,” Jhurian announced. I could hear Micha’s thoughts turn to confusion and worry, but I nodded to him to let him know it would be alright. Rhada, on the other hand, seemed ready to burst with relief.
“I’ll catch up to you within the week,” I told Jhurian confidently.
“No, you’ll stay in Hubli. There’s nothing more for you to learn out here.” Was he serious? Well, he wasn’t exactly wrong. I hadn’t learned anything new about tracking in the last few weeks, and I was already aware of the animals of the Creekmont–save for one. But I didn’t want to go back to Hubli permanently. The freedom of tracking made the constraint of Myxini that much more palpable.
There was nothing to be done for it. It was my suggestion to take her back, and I knew I didn’t have it in me to make her suffer out there for another two months. Why do I keep offering to help people when it only gets me into trouble?
The unfairness I felt as I trudged back to Hubli only brought up my resentment towards Avis; and Khea–I imagined pounding my boots into her ribs instead of the crunching snow. She was the last person I’d helped and it cost me a full season of letting Avis rip me to shreds.
It took three days to hike back, and when we arrived, Rhada was so thankful for the stones beneath her feet she nearly bent down and kissed them. I was more grateful that we’d made it in before the evening chill could settle in earnest. Rhada made her way to the baths, and I continued down the corridor towards my room.
“Welcome back,” a small, blonde girl said to me as I walked past. She sat on a snow-covered bench, buried in her thick coat that looked to be made for someone twice her size.
“Thanks,” was all I could muster for a disheartened reply. I didn’t want to be back at Myxini–and I certainly didn’t want to see Khea. She participated in my captivity over last summer. It was unfair of me, but I just didn’t want to see her.
“Lark, I–”
“Just go away,” I muttered, and continued on to hall of doors. At least I’ll get to sleep in a nice feather bed again.
I was ready to throw myself in my room and sleep off my anger for a few days, but opening the door revealed Avis waiting for me. “What are you doing here?” I asked, my words laced with venom.
“Don’t you think I should be asking you that?” he replied with a smirk.
“What do you want?”
“Well since you don’t have to put on the who’s-the-best-tracker show anymore, we can get down to the real work.” I was sure my mouth fell open. It was the first time he mentioned that my Tracker rate was a façade.
“You didn’t really think I didn’t know, did you?” I wasn’t sure what I thought, but Avis had been my mentor for well over a year, and that was the first I’d even thought about it.
“Why do you think Lheda assigned you to me? There aren’t many Readers, and even fewer who are fit to mentor the younger students.”
It hit me like a blow to the guts. Avis was a Reader? He had been privy to my every thought and whim since the first day I met him? Every silent jab and heated insult, every bit of humiliation when I lost to him in a fight. He had known and felt it all in the moment it happened. My paranoia subsided when I realized that I didn’t really spend much time with him. He was prone to long disappearances and sudden re-emergences, so maybe it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. “So what do you want me to do?”
“Eat.” I rolled my eyes, already frustrated that Avis had shown up again. Why couldn’t he leave me alone? I remembered to check my thoughts around him, and sure enough his face held a hint of a smirk. Great.
He must have planned it intentionally; the dining hall was completely stuffed with students chilled from the recent snow. We were served a thick venison stew with potatoes and carrots made specifically to thaw a person to their bones, and it did the trick.
I ate mechanically, vaguely aware that Avis spoke to me, but I didn’t hear a word of it; the mental volume was far too high. There were too many students packed in one room, and it would be a lie if I said I hadn’t been spoiled from the near perfect quiet of the Creekmont.
“Lark, will you listen?” Avis shouted at me.
“Huh? What?”
“Try to concentrate. Block them out.” Oh really Avis? Why didn’t I think of that? Just make all the voices stop. Just get the thoughts of nearly a hundred students to just go quiet. Sure, why not?
“It’s not impossible, you just have to try.” Thankfully, I was almost out of stew anyway and made a quick decision to sacrifice the last few bites in exchange for the sanctuary of my room. Avis followed behind me. “Well that was pathetic.”
“Just leave me alone.”
“Are you going to cry like a child? Go on, then, cry,” he chided, clearly intent on angering me. Well, it worked.
/> I lunged at him and, just like the hundreds of times before, Avis caught my wrist well before I could reach him and spun me onto the ground. Dammit!
“Don’t you get it?” he said as he left and closed the door behind him. Get what? That I can’t beat you?
I lay in bed that night but didn’t sleep. I was angry for a lot of reasons, but I could feel it boiling closer to the surface. I was angry that I couldn’t be out tracking with the one person who might actually be a real friend, that I was trapped in this school yet again, that I couldn’t beat Avis no matter how hard I tried, and that he had been listening to my thoughts all that time.
On some level I knew it was unfair to despise him for it; he only did to me what I had done to everyone else for years. And why was I so angry with Khea? At one point, I had felt an insanely strong need to protect her. Maybe that was still inside me somewhere, just buried in a tomb of frustration. She didn’t ask me to attack Shaz, and she didn’t even know the real reason; she never knew what he planned for her.
My recognition of the illogical nature of my anger did little to soothe it. Once again, I was isolated with Avis and there was nothing I could do to protect my innermost secrets. In fact, he probably already knows each and every one of them.
~~~~~~~~~~
In the morning, I knew I would have to address the situation with Rhada. I couldn’t let her be punished because of my suggestion that she leave the Tracking group early, and it was an excuse to avoid Avis. When I reached the Headmistress’s chambers, I shouldn’t have been surprised to see Avis there. He leaned against the stone wall looking bored. I knew he was aware of what I wanted, but old habits required me to voice my concerns. “I need to speak with Lheda about Rhada.”
“Of course,” he replied with an infuriating smirk. Not in the mood to play his games, I reached out for a handle before he said, “She’s away.”
I sighed and dropped the arm that seemed to suddenly weigh a hundred pounds. I just couldn’t seem to get anything right lately. “Where is she?”