“You hide, Joel. You have shit parents, and no real friends, and you hide. Behind your music, behind your books, behind this hair. But Gabriel saw you, and I could see it at dinner. I could hear it in your voice when you talked about him. All you want isn't family, Baby J, you want someone who sees you and loves you.” Athena tugged a handful of his hair, causing Joel to look up at her with one eye.
“Can I use your shower, Athena? I have to work today,” Joel said, changing the subject, and Athena raised an eyebrow at him.
“You know you can, but don’t try to pretend you didn’t hear what I said to you. I love you, as much as, or sometimes more than, I love Donny, but more than that, Gabriel loves you, too. He loves you more than I ever could.” Athena's voice was soft and reflective, and it made Joel's insides clench. He shoved the chair back, standing and stepping back from the table.
“Thanks for breakfast, Theenie. I love you too.”
***
In the bathroom, Joel discarded his shirt with more force than was necessary and shucked his pants off before climbing under the hot spray of the shower. It was hotter than he normally liked, but this time he relished the burn and watched the way his skin turned shades of red as the water cascaded off him. He dropped his head against the shower wall, pounding it a few times for good measure before searching out Athena’s two-in-one shampoo and conditioner. He squirted some into his palm, lathering it up on top of his head, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes to organize his thoughts.
Athena had made some good points, ones Joel was embarrassed to acknowledge. One thing hadn’t changed, and that was that Joel still believed that Gabriel loved him. He’d lied about a lot of things, but the truth of his feelings for Joel were clear as day in his eyes. Gabriel showed it in weird ways, but once it was out in the open, Athena was right… Gabriel saw Joel. And he loved Joel differently than anyone else ever had, and most likely ever would.
Joel opened his eyes so he could rinse the shampoo and conditioner off his hands, and blinked the water out of his eyes, realizing the lather in his hands was tinted red. The coloring in his hair had long been neglected. He couldn’t remember the last time his hair had been its natural color. Maybe when he was in high school, there had been a few months when he had been fooling around with Carter that he didn’t color it. But he had thought things were different with Carter. Casual, sure, but he didn’t expect the brush-off in the end. Once Carter disappeared, Joel had resumed coloring his hair. It hurt, when he’d left, and Joel subconsciously made the decision to not open himself to the world like that anymore. Now, at nineteen, Joel wasn’t sure how dying his hair made any bit of difference, because his heart was shattered on the floor of Gabriel's condo, and his hair was still red.
He closed his eyes again, sucking in a deep breath, thinking about how strong he’d felt under Gabriel's gaze. The way Gabriel's fingertips drew lines on Joel's flesh and dug into his hips. To his dismay, his cock started to remember more than Gabriel's hands and plumped up accordingly. Was he going to jerk off in the shower thinking about Gabriel right now?
Let me give you what you need, Little Red.
Yes, he was definitely going to jerk off thinking about Gabriel. He hated himself a little for it, but not enough to stop.
He wrapped his fingers around his shaft, stroking with a firm grip, slick and slippery from the leftover conditioner in his palm. Immediately, his toes curled against the porcelain of the tub and his balls pulled up high and tight. Joel squeezed his eyes shut, feeling pressure welling up as he continued the twist and jerk motions on his dick.
He thought about Gabriel.
He thought about the way Gabriel's tongue had explored inside his ass, and he thought about how strong and beautiful he’d felt when Gabriel had been inside of him. He thought about his tongue dueling with Gabriel's for purchase as they’d kissed through their orgasms. Joel sucked in a breath, resting his head against his other arm on the shower wall, perilously close to coming all over the wall, and then he heard Gabriel's voice in his head, clear as day.
I need you, I fucking need you.
Joel let loose an anguished cry as he came, splattering his release against the shower wall. Simultaneously, a tear slipped down his cheek, then another. He stood straight, releasing his cock to catch his breath.
This was even more fucked up now than two days ago. Joel laughed to himself as he entertained the idea that he was actually going to return to Gabriel. If nothing else, he needed more answers. Joel rinsed his hair, noticing the red-tinged water swirling around his feet.
After he pulled some passably clean clothes from his bag, he walked into the living room. Athena was still at the dining table, now toying with the twine ribbon around a butcher paper wrapped package, which was sitting beside a rumpled manila envelope.
“These came for you…” Her voice trailed off, and she pushed them across the table toward him. Joel approached the table as though the packages were bombs. He had a suspicion of what he would find under the paper on one, but not the other.
He picked up the envelope, pulling out the contents, confusion passing across his face as he read. He let loose an uncharacteristically loud laugh before handing the papers to Athena.
“Did you know my dad was rich? He left me a million-dollar trust, not accessible until I'm twenty. That's why my mom was here.” He started to shake with laughter that was bordering on hysterical. Athena flipped through the packet, placing it on the table as Joel's laughter started to simmer down into a defeated-sounding whimper.
“Are you going to keep the money?” Athena was quiet as she watched Joel from across the table.
“Of course I’m going to keep the fucking money. I deserve something after all this,” Joel grumbled. He reached for the other package and pulled the edge of the twine, unfurling the bow, before he picked at the tape-sealed edge with a damp finger. The wrapping popped open and Joel was faced with the green bound volumes of Les Misérables underneath his brand-new cell phone.
Joel closed his eyes, digging the heels of his hands into his eyes.
“There’s a card.” Athena’s voice broke the silence, and Joel saw a small, white note card tucked between the book and his phone. Athena pulled it free and held it out to Joel. He took it from her, seeing handwriting he suspected belonged to Gabriel.
Scrawled across the card, two short lines of text.
You deserve so much more than my kind of love.
I'm sorry, Joel.
Joel wrapped his hand around the card, shoving it in his pocket. “I gotta go to work, Athena.” He glanced at his phone on the table and decided to leave it.
“Sure, Baby J. I’ll see you when you get back.” Athena reached out, squeezing his arm and then letting him go.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Gabriel Tells the Truth
The sun was much too bright for Gabriel's liking, and he found in the late light of day, he still hated himself for what had happened last night. Especially in the light of day. He had become too confident, he recognized that now. While he’d always known that his dedication to stalking Joel was on the institutional side of the crazy line, he hadn’t ever imagined that his whole life would implode as a result of it. He had only meant to follow Joel, make sure that no one took advantage of him, and keep him safe. Then maybe, a few years down the road, there would be a natural way for them to cross paths, and Joel would be none the wiser of his “guardian” angel.
Wrong.
Gabriel would never have been able to live with the guilt on his conscience if he had continued to deceive Joel, whether it was in this reality, or only a scenario in his head. In hindsight, it was better this way. After such a short time, Joel would be able to get over it, move past it, and find someone to love him better than Gabriel ever could, in a way that was healthy and not obsessive. If this had come out years down the road, the damage to Joel might have been far harder to repair. Gabriel, though, he would manage like he always had. Alone, and separated from the world.<
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Rolling over, Gabriel recognized he had fallen asleep on the floor, and his eyes focused on the empty bottle of whiskey next to his head. Pulling himself up to a sitting position, he reached up to the couch, searching for his phone.
No missed calls.
No texts.
It was almost five in the evening. Gabriel had slept away most of the day, although sleep was not the most accurate description of what he assumed happened after he drank his weight in whiskey. He scrolled through his contacts, trying to find the number for the Chinese food restaurant down the block. He needed something greasy that would fill him up just enough so he could get started on the additional bottles of liquor in his wet bar.
With an order placed for enough food to last him three days, he thought about taking a shower, but decided against it. He had no one to clean up for anymore. The weight of this shit show started to become unbearable. His shoulders sagged with the enormity of how he had fucked up his life and future. By now, Joel would have received the parcel at Athena’s, and while Gabriel didn’t expect a reply, part of him hoped…
There was no point in wallowing. It wouldn’t bring Joel back. Nothing would bring Joel back. Gabriel forced himself to stand and retreated to his office, digging the stack of cards from Madeline out of his desk. He gathered them all, found his way to the kitchen, and turned on the front burner of the stove, watching the flame start to dance and nip at the air. He took the first card, held it over the burner, and watched the paper curl and crisp as it burned. When the fire got close to his hand, he didn’t let go, instead enjoying the physical lick of pain from the flame before tossing the smoldering edge of paper into his sink. Gabriel repeated the process, erasing every fucking word Madeline had ever written to him.
For good measure, and because he knew he couldn't kick his Joel habit if he was tempted even in the slightest, he returned to his office to retrieve his back-up flash drive. His laptop sat across the room in a shambles, a sharp reminder of how he had fucked up, so there was no hesitation as he headed back to the kitchen with the flash drive. His hand hovered over the flame, but he was interrupted by a knock on his door. Hope flared in his chest before he remembered it was probably his food. He crossed through his home the long way, going past the wet bar to crack open a new bottle of whiskey before he tucked the drive in his pocket and pulled open the front door… and was stopped dead in his tracks.
It was Joel.
He looked worse for wear, with red-rimmed eyes and lashes clumped together with recently shed tears, but it was still Joel. Right there in front of him again. Gabriel sucked in a surprised breath that wavered more than he would have liked, and stepped back a pace. They stood, appraising each other silently, Gabriel's love for Joel radiating outward like a fucking fish hook eager to bait its catch.
“Joel.” Gabriel's voice was hoarse, barely louder than a whisper, and he so desperately wished he had decided to take that shower.
“I think…” Joel's voice was scratchy and gruff. “I think you owe me some answers.”
Gabriel acquiesced with a slight nod before stepping back farther to let Joel inside. Gabriel watched as Joel quietly pushed the door closed behind him and stood close to it as if he was trying to disappear into it. Joel tugged his bottom lip between his teeth, biting down, and refused to move any farther into the condo. It had never been like this between them, not even when Gabriel had been a stranger to him, and he couldn’t help but shoulder the responsibility of Joel’s unease, putting it on top of the pile of all his other transgressions.
Realizing he himself must look the worse for wear, in sloppy pajamas with a fresh bottle of whiskey, Gabriel promptly set the bottle down on the breakfast bar and shoved his hands into the pockets of his lounge pants. Gabriel opened his mouth, then closed it, unsure of what to say or where to start. His finger grazed against the flash drive in his pocket, and instinctively he recognized what needed to happen. He pulled it out, gripped tightly in his fist, and extended his arm to Joel. Joel eyed him tentatively, and with a slight shake in his shoulders, extended his hand, open and palm up. Gabriel released the drive, and with the movement, a huge burden was released from around his neck.
“That’s everything. Well, except for the things from your mother, but those are smoldering in my sink.” Gabriel made a small gesture toward the kitchen.
A knock on the door jarred both of them, causing Joel to jump and Gabriel to wince. “Dinner,” he explained feebly and closed the distance between them. When Gabriel approached, Joel quickly stepped to the side and into the condo, effectively trading places with Gabriel. Gabriel opened the door and took the food, quickly shutting them both back inside, and with a sad smile, he walked into the kitchen to put the bags of food down.
“Are you expecting someone?” Joel asked, pressing his lips together and hesitantly stepping in behind Gabriel.
Gabriel shook his head. “No, I didn't plan on leaving the condo until I ran out of liquor.” His reply was truthful and delivered with as steady a voice as he could manage. The silence continued to grow between them, and Gabriel wanted to crawl out of his fucking skin.
“The first time Madeline reached out to me, you were twelve.” Gabriel turned to look at Joel before he sat down at the dining table. He hoped sitting at the table was less threatening than the couch, and he didn’t want to risk feeling the warmth of Joel's skin if he dared sit beside him. “She only wanted money from me, said even though Thomas didn’t want to talk to me that we were still family.” Gabriel picked at his thumb, unable to meet Joel's eyes. “Then every year afterward, I received another Christmas card from her, and every year her message to me was infused with more hatred. For both you and me. When you were fifteen, she asked me for money to send you to a conversion camp.”
Joel's sharp intake of breath stopped Gabriel, and he turned his eyes to meet Joel's, as Joel slumped down into a chair on the other side of the table. Joel traced a knot in the wood, unable or unwilling to look up, but he nodded slightly for Gabriel to continue.
“I never replied to her. I didn’t want anything to do with Thomas. I always held him responsible for getting me thrown out of my house. He outed me officially, you know. And when you were seventeen, I moved and the cards stopped.” Gabriel paused, uncertain how to continue. He rubbed the back of his neck with a sweaty palm. “But I had already seen you by then. After a drunken hookup, I decided to take some advice I’d been given and I went to try to make amends with my brother. Finding where you lived was easy, so I drove out to Whittier and parked my car on your street while I tried to pluck up the courage to confront him. And while I sat there, under a jacaranda, I saw you. You stormed out of the house, Thomas hot on your heels. You had purple hair, and I couldn’t take my fucking eyes off you, Joel.” Gabriel swallowed hard, wiping at his eyes with shaking fingers. “I didn’t want the same things for you. I didn’t want him to ruin your life the way I felt he ruined mine.”
Joel slowly lifted his head to face Gabriel, fresh tear tracks lining his cheeks, and Gabriel wanted more than anything to go to him, wrap him up in his arms and shield him from… well, from this, from his truths.
“I watched you, at first. When Thomas and Madeline left for Maryland, I didn’t want to interfere, but I needed to know you were safe. You know the rest, but Joel, you have to believe I never meant… I never meant for it to end up like this.” Gabriel's voice was pleading, vibrating with desperation, and he shoved his chair back, halfway unaware of the motion before he dropped to his knees, reaching for Joel's legs. “I don’t expect you to ever forgive me, but I need you to understand how fucking sorry I am, Joel. I love you and I’m so sorry.” Gabriel's body shook with a sob and he dropped his forehead onto Joel's knee, letting sorrow overtake him.
Gabriel cried. He cried for himself, separated from his family and set adrift for so many years. He cried for Joel. For the perfect man in front of him whose face was etched with the scars of Gabriel's deceit. He loved Joel, more than he’d thought it was pos
sible to love another person, and this unnatural, overwhelming love inside of him was what had driven them both here. Joel, sitting at the table, with shaking knees like a terrified child, and Gabriel, offering nothing more than his submission after seeing the damage done by his love.
Something ruffled his hair, and he reached up to realize it was Joel who had delicately placed his hand atop Gabriel's quivering head. Joel's hand was shaking, or maybe it was Gabriel, but he wrapped his fingers tightly around Joel's hand and squeezed, lacing their fingers and hoping to convey with touch all the words he couldn’t manage to speak. Joel allowed it for a short time, then tugged his hand free, and Gabriel sat back on his heels, chin dropped to his chest, too terrified to make eye contact.
Joel pushed his chair back and stood. Gabriel glanced up to see Joel's knuckles white with tension as he gripped the edge of the table. Gabriel watched Joel step backward, once, then twice.
“Before...” Gabriel's voice was a gravelly whisper, and he cleared his throat before continuing. “Before you go, there’s one more thing.” Joel halted his retreat.
Gabriel raised his eyes, locking them onto Joel's watery and confused blue stare. “The time I had with you, that I physically had with you, Joel. They were the best days of my life, and I didn't say it before, but I do love you, Little Red. I love you with a ferocity I’ve never been able to understand, and that won’t ever change. I understand what I did… I know it was wrong. But I can’t ever allow myself to regret it. If a week beside you and two nights inside of you is all I’ll ever have, I’ll take them gladly and hold onto them for the rest of my days.”
Joel's mouth fell open and he reached up a hand to cover it as a cry escaped his parted lips. Tears freely fell at a rate Gabriel had never seen, and Gabriel reached out for Joel, but Joel stepped back, then turned and fled the apartment. Gabriel listened to the door open and close, and he lay down on the cold tile floor of his dining room and closed his eyes.
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