“I want to be yours,” Joel repeated, bringing Gabriel’s thoughts back to the present. Joel walked his fingers across the table, gently grazing a fingertip across Gabriel's tense hand, and added, “I’ve always been yours.”
Gabriel pulled back. “You deserve someone who can love you better than me.”
“No!” Joel's voice was louder now, laced with fear as he pushed back from the table. “You love me better than anyone ever could, I see it! And you love me, Gabriel. You have a pretty fucked-up way of showing it, but you love me. You saw me, and that’s all I’ve ever wanted. Someone to see me, in here.” Joel was on his knees now, after forcing his way between Gabriel's legs. Joel pounded a fist against his own chest as tears slipped from his eyes.
More than anything, Gabriel wanted to take Joel’s declaration at face value, but he couldn’t lose Joel a second time. It would kill him.
“You’re trying to tell me that after two weeks, you suddenly don’t care about any of the things we talked about last time we were here at this table?” Gabriel wrapped his fingers around Joel's hand, pulling it away from his chest. Joel shook free and pushed himself farther in between Gabriel's legs, grabbing tight onto his thighs.
“I don’t, Gabriel. I swear. I thought I did, but I don’t.” Joel's eyes were huge now, imploring Gabriel to see the truth behind them. Gabriel brought his hands up, pushing the length of Joel's hair behind his ears, then softly dragging his thumbs across Joel's damp cheeks. “When Davis showed up and tried to get me to go out to dinner with him again, I realized I didn’t want to go to dinner with anyone but you.”
“Davis showed up?” Gabriel’s jaw ticked. Had he not been clear enough when he sent his last text? He tried to push the protective rage to the back of his mind so he could focus on the quivering boy between his knees.
“He came to the store, and tried to get me to go out with him again, and I thought about it, Gabriel, but I couldn’t see it in my head. I mean, I saw it, but he wasn’t who I wanted. I want you. It always comes back to you. Gabriel, I don’t want to go back to how I felt before you.” Joel reached up, grabbing Gabriel's hands in his own. “Can you please give me another chance?”
“A chance for what, Little Red?” Gabriel blinked slowly, his voice raspy with unshed tears.
“A chance to love you, the way you deserve.” Joel brought Gabriel's hands to his mouth, kissing every knuckle, every fingertip, over and over. “Let me love you back, Gabriel.”
“Why?” Gabriel shook his head no, voice barely above a whisper.
“Because I love you,” Joel insisted, gripping Gabriel's hands with a near-crippling intensity.
“But, why?” Gabriel emphasized his question, breaking his hands free to grab Joel's face between his hands.
“How can you see me so clearly, but you can't see yourself, Gabriel? What's not to love? You are so fucking intelligent and so passionate. You are thoughtful, and kind, and generous.” Joel dragged one of Gabriel's hands down to wrap around the leather watch on Joel's wrist, squeezing his fingers. “Because you see me, Gabriel. And no ever has before. No one cared enough to take the time to look long enough to fucking see me.”
“Athena,” Gabriel said, flexing his fingers around the bones of Joel's wrist.
“Athena doesn’t fucking count. She's different and you know it. You want me to tell you, then shut up and let me tell you. You always listen, Gabriel. You listen to the things I’m saying when I'm not even talking, so listen for real right now, okay?”
Gabriel leaned back in his chair, barely relaxing his hold on Joel's face and wrist. He would listen. It was the least he could do, and Joel was right. If there was anything in the world he excelled at, it was listening to Joel.
“I don’t need to hide with you. My whole life has been constructed around hiding from everyone else. Hiding so I don’t disappoint anyone. Hiding so I don’t get hurt. Just… hiding. And then I left, and I didn’t even realize that I wasn’t hiding when I was with you, and now I don’t want to start hiding again. Fuck, Gabriel, I feel so fucking alone without you. I feel naked, like everyone can see who I am, and my old tricks don’t feel like they can keep me safe anymore. But you can keep me safe, you want to keep me safe.” Joel reached his hands up, pressing Gabriel's against his face with a pressure and urgency he couldn’t fight. “So I came back here, and you weren’t here, and fuck, Gabriel, it was so late and I was scared I’d lost my chance, and I wanted a chance to stop hiding forever and love you back.” He searched Gabriel's face with his eyes, looking for any clues about how his truth was being received. “That’s what I was doing when you found me, with the dish soap. It strips hair color, and it was my last defense. I wanted it gone. I hoped that when you came home, if you came home, you’d see who I really am, and you would still want to love me.”
Gabriel didn’t realize he was crying until Joel sucked in a breath, climbed onto his lap, and pressed kisses against Gabriel's wet cheeks and clumped eyelashes. “Please don’t cry, Gabriel. I’ll never leave you again, I promise. I don’t ever want to be anywhere but where you are.”
Gabriel opened his mouth and the resulting cry was muffled as Joel smashed their lips together, taking Gabriel’s pain into himself. Gabriel let Joel explore his mouth. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, bringing his hands up to frame Joel's face, and pulled back slightly.
Joel's eyes opened with the separation and Gabriel looked for any shred of doubt, any hint of confusion, but all that reflected back at him was love. It wasn’t shiny and it wasn’t perfect, it was messy and it hurt, but Gabriel wouldn't have it any other way. Gabriel closed the distance between them, reaching down to knead Joel's ass with eager hands. Gabriel picked Joel up and sat him roughly on top of the dining table. He reached up with one hand, thumb under Joel's chin, and pushed his face back and stretched out his throat for Gabriel’s mouth. Gabriel nipped forcefully at the column of Joel's throat and around to the side of his neck, relishing the feel of Joel's furiously pounding pulse under his tongue. With his other hand, Gabriel tore Joel's pants down, then stuck his fingers in Joel’s mouth, pressing down his tongue. “Get them wet, Little Red.”
Joel sucked furiously around the intrusion, coating Gabriel's fingers with spit, even as he choked when Gabriel reached farther down his throat. Gabriel wrenched his hand free, reached down and shoved two wet fingers inside Joel's eager hole. Joel choked out a moan of pleasure and fucked himself against Gabriel's hand, “Gabriel, please. Now, please, fuck.” Joel writhed across the table, neck still restrained by Gabriel's other hand. He flailed an arm out to grasp the edge of the table, knocking a full mug of coffee to the floor with a loud thud.
Joel cried out when Gabriel pulled his fingers free, using the same hand to pull his own pants down, low enough to expose his cock. Gabriel pushed Joel backward, climbing up on the table so his weight sat on Joel's chest. Gabriel could feel Joel's heartbeat vibrating his entire body, and Gabriel tilted his cock down, teasing at Joel's mouth.
“Get it wet, Little Red. I’m not going to use a condom when I fuck you this time.” Gabriel grunted as he shoved his cock into Joel's mouth, stifling the resulting moan echoing out of Joel's throat. As Joel dutifully sucked and licked, he never closed his eyes, holding Gabriel's stare as he swallowed Gabriel's cock, inch by inch. Gabriel watched a smile light up Joel's eyes, even as tears leaked free, but Gabriel could see these weren’t the same kind of tears from earlier.
The sheer thought of Joel crying around his cock made his balls tighten and pushed him perilously toward an orgasm, so he ripped himself free of Joel's mouth, moving down to tuck in between Joel's thighs. Gabriel's cock glistened with spit and pre-cum, like Joel's mouth, and Gabriel didn’t hesitate as he pushed himself inside of Joel.
Gabriel exhaled a deep breath and leaned down to take Joel's mouth in a kiss. He forced his way inside the tight channel, savoring the way Joel stretched to accommodate him.
“Gabriel, it hurts,” Joel whimpered. He didn’t make it sound like
it was a bad thing, but Gabriel wrapped his arms around Joel, pulling both of their bodies off the table, but not pulling his cock free. He stepped through the puddle of cold coffee on the floor and dropped Joel's body onto a counter in the kitchen, the movement seating himself farther inside of Joel, and both of them gasped at the sensation. Gabriel pulled open a cabinet door, feeling around blindly until he found a bottle of olive oil. He unscrewed the cap, poured it haphazardly over his cock, and started to fuck in and out of Joel.
What started as a whimper of pain from Joel's mouth turned into a full-formed cry of arousal as Gabriel fucked him furiously hard.
“Never leave me again, Joel. Promise me you’ll never leave me again.” Gabriel dropped his head onto Joel's shoulder, thrusting faster.
“I promise.”
“Promise me you’ll take my love. Promise me you’ll learn to be happy with the way I love you.” Gabriel thrust deep, tagging Joel's prostate with his cock. Joel choked on a gasp.
“Fuck, Gabriel, it’s too good.” Joel reached between their oil-slicked bodies to stroke his own cock in time with Gabriel's movements.
“Promise me.” Gabriel was barreling toward his orgasm, and it threatened to set his entire body on fire.
“I promise, fuck, Gabriel. Love me, please fucking love me.” Joel sputtered on the last words as spurts of cum tore free from his dick, falling and covering them both.
“Fuck, Little Red.” Gabriel slowed his thrusts, pulling back slightly to look at the mess Joel had made of their bodies. “I’ll love you forever, I promise you that.” Joel scooped his cum from Gabriel's muscled stomach and pushed his fingers into Gabriel's mouth. He accepted the intrusion, biting down on Joel's fingers as he sucked them clean, thrusting deep inside of Joel as he came.
Gabriel's orgasm tore through him, forcing his body into violent shudders and uneven thrusts. Gabriel dug his fingers into Joel's thighs, undoubtedly leaving bruises as he seated himself fully inside of him. Gabriel reached up to pull Joel's fingers from his mouth and pressed their foreheads together as he tried to catch his breath.
Once his legs were steady, Gabriel reached down and pinched himself on the thigh because he couldn’t believe it wasn’t a dream. He let his softening cock slide free of Joel, picked him up, and carried him to the bathroom. Gabriel deposited Joel inside the shower, turning the water to warm, and climbed in behind him. Joel tilted his head back to rest on Gabriel's chest, and Gabriel squirted soap directly into his hand, rubbing the lather over Joel's stomach and thighs to clean away the oil and cum.
They were silent as Gabriel cleaned Joel, reverently stroking his fingertips across Joel's skin. When Joel was clean, Gabriel cleaned himself quickly, then rinsed them both before reaching out for a towel. He wrapped it around Joel's body, drying his shoulders, then his chest and arms. Joel stepped out of the shower and Gabriel dried his legs, his feet. He kissed Joel’s arches reverently. Gabriel stood and led them both back into the bedroom and pulled out clean clothes. He slid a shirt over Joel's head and smoothed the sleeves down as he searched Joel's face for any hint of regret.
The silence was starting to make him worry. Had he overstepped with the way he forced himself on Joel in the dining room? He counted the delicate purple bruises around Joel's waist. He should have taken more care.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get enough of the way you love me,” Joel said, breaking the silence, and Gabriel's head shot up in surprise. Joel reached for the open drawer of the dresser, pulling out a shirt and reaching up to slide it over Gabriel's head, much the same way Gabriel had done to him. “I’ll never doubt that you love me. It’s in every action, every look, every motion. The way you watch me, the way you make love to me.” Joel trailed his fingers over the bruises Gabriel was staring at.
“It wasn’t...I mean, it’s not...too much?” Gabriel pulled his shoulders in slightly, stilling Joel's hands.
“Oh, it’s far too much,” Joel breathed out with a chuckle, reaching up to kiss Gabriel's swollen mouth. “But I deserve it, don't I?”
Gabriel licked Joel's mouth open with his tongue and wrapped his arms tight around the man he loved beyond reason or sanity.
EPILOGUE
Joel has a Question
One year later
Athena bumped Joel's shoulder as they leaned over the glass case. She tapped her fingernail against the glass repeatedly and started to jump up and down. “This one, Baby J! This is the one!” With her free hand, she motioned for the sales girl to come over and help them. “This is the one! Can we see this one?”
Joel reached his hand over, stilling Athena’s tapping fingernail. “Throttle down, Theenie. Let’s take a look first, okay?” He held out his hand and the sales girl dropped the ring into his palm. He held the weight of it, and for the first time thought he might be jumping the gun. He picked up the ring in his fingers, looking at it in the light, furrowing his brows.
“Do you not like it?” the sales girl spoke up, her cheerful voice now reflecting that tone which only ever came with a potentially lost commission.
“No, I do like it.” He set the ring down on the gray felt pad the sales girl had slid onto the glass case in front of them. “Is this too much, Theenie?” He picked up the ring again, holding it between his thumb and finger.
Athena tilted her head at him. “Why would it be too much? Don’t you think you’ve waited long enough for handsome boyfriend to pop the question on his own?” She plucked the ring from his grasp, turning it in her palm and smiling at Joel.
“But, it’s Gabriel. Everything with him is always so...planned and orchestrated. Shouldn't I wait? He obviously doesn’t want to marry me or he would have by now. I’ve been living with him for a year and he hasn’t even fucking hinted at it.” Joel began to hyperventilate as his anxiety over Gabriel's seeming lack of commitment overtook him. He snatched the ring from Athena and put it back down on the felt pad.
Athena picked up the ring once more and held it in front of Joel's face. His eyes zeroed in on the sturdy black tungsten circle and two rubies inlaid in the band. He held his hand out and Athena dropped the ring into it.
“Baby J. Gabriel is going to be yours for the rest of your life, ring or otherwise, you know that. You two have a special bond.” Athena chuckled, and Joel barked out a nervous-sounding laugh, continuing his assessment of the ring. “Gabriel would bend heaven and earth if it was what you wanted, and if this is what you want, then he’ll give it to you gladly.”
“I know he will, but I want him to want it, too.” Joel slid the ring down onto his finger and found it far too large for his delicate hands.
“He wants what you want. He loves what you love. You know this, Baby J. If you want to wait around for him to do it, then wait for him. If not, buy the fucking ring.” Athena shouldered her purse, effectively telling Joel to make a decision. She tilted her eyes down to the ring on his finger and smiled, looking back up at his face. Joel was staring at the ring himself, smiling, and then he gave a slow nod as he reached with his right hand into his pocket for his wallet.
“Alright, yeah. Let’s get it.”
The sales girl perked up, gladly taking Joel's credit card and running off to charge him for the purchase. He started to shake and slid the ring off, dropping it with a clatter onto the glass case.
“Holy shit, Athena.” His voice shook like his hands.
“Holy shit, Joel.” Her eyes widened and she smiled at him.
The sales girl returned with his card and receipt, reaching for the ring. “I’ll box this up for you.” But Joel reached out and stopped her, slamming his hand with a little more force than necessary over the ring.
“No, that’s fine. I’ll take it.” He picked up the ring and slipped it into his front pocket before returning his card to his wallet. “Thank you,” he muttered, chewing at his lip before following Athena out of the store.
“This is the best decision you’ve made all year, Baby J.” Athena pushed into him with her hip as they walked back to t
he parking lot.
Climbing into his car, he offered her a worried smile. The look she gave him in return was wide and bright. “Stop it. You got this. Call me when it’s over. I can’t wait to start planning. Mr. and Mr. Handsome Boyfriend! It’s going to be epic, Baby J!” Athena was still chattering on as Joel closed his door and backed out of the parking spot, heading home.
After Joel had returned to him, Gabriel had refused to let him leave. Joel had moved in the same day, his belongings from his apartment magically showing up in boxes the following morning. They hadn’t stayed in the condo for long, though. Gabriel had decided to sell it and buy them a beautifully renovated craftsman bungalow in Silverlake. Joel loved it there, with its small back yard where Gabriel had planted him a patch of zinnia and jonquils, because I’ll always desire your affections, he told him.
Joel pulled into the driveway, parking and giving the ring in his pocket one last reassuring squeeze before unlocking the door and going inside. As soon as he closed the front door, he was immediately lifted and slammed into the wall by Gabriel's body.
“I didn’t know you were home,” Joel sputtered. He had planned to find somewhere to hide the damn ring before Gabriel got home from work, but now wouldn't have the chance.
His Kind of Love Page 20